Shooting the messenger

[lacrosse_lady72]

I know sometimes we all need to stay out of other people's business but if someone is going to cheat on one of my best friends, I'm going to tell her.

But now she's mad at me for telling her and I'm just at a loss for words. I'm so annoyed, mad, regretful, sorry, and not sorry all at the same time.

I told no one else that I knew, just her. If the roles were switched, I'd hate her for not telling me.

I know I should give her at least the night to cool off but she's already sub tweeting about me.

Any advice?

 

[Cupcakey78]

I wouldn't do anything. Just wait for her to get over the shock.

 

[jdb in AZ]

I'm guessing the cheating DH is telling his wife that you're a liar and she wants to believe him. Give it time.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

I wouldn't do anything. Just wait for her to get over the shock.

I am. It's just tough. I'm going to try not to say anything until Thursday at least. Unless she says something first.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

I'm guessing the cheating DH is telling his wife that you're a liar and she wants to believe him. Give it time.

He can say whatever he wants but it's hardcore, undeniable evidence that I sent her.

It's just stressing me out.

 

[Disney Doll]

If you think you did the right thing, then you did the right thing.
You can't control someone else's reaction.
A risk one takes with being the messenger is exactly this.
But if the message needs to be given, then it needs to be given.
Don't get into an online back & forth with her.
Your best response is " I have provided the information. It's up to you what you do with it".
Trying to justify or defend your decision any further will only serve to distract her from the matter at hand.

 

[Hannathy]

If you think you did the right thing, then you did the right thing.
You can't control someone else's reaction.
A risk one takes with being the messenger is exactly this.
But if the message needs to be given, then it needs to be given.
Don't get into an online back & forth with her.
Your best response is " I have provided the information. It's up to you what you do with it".
Trying to justify or defend your decision any further will only serve to distract her from the matter at hand.

I like this!

I would want my friends to tell me, and be very mad and unforgiving if I found out they didn't tell me. BUT it is only human to look for someone or thing to blame at first. Give her time. But you may loose her as a friend but I would rather loose her as a friend than live with my self for not telling her something she should know.

Sorry like we tell our kids, doing the right thing isn't always the easy thing but it is the right thing.

 

[Imzadi]

I know sometimes we all need to stay out of other people's business but if someone is going to cheat on one of my best friends, I'm going to tell her.

But now she's mad at me for telling her and I'm just at a loss for words. I'm so annoyed, mad, regretful, sorry, and not sorry all at the same time.

I told no one else that I knew, just her. If the roles were switched, I'd hate her for not telling me.

I know I should give her at least the night to cool off but she's already sub tweeting about me.

Any advice?

The Rule.

If the roles were switched, I'd hate her for not telling me.

I like this!

I would want my friends to tell me, and be very mad and unforgiving if I found out they didn't tell me.

The problem with what the two of you have said is:This is what you both would want. The truth. (Me too, BTW.)

But, to paraphrase Jack Nicholson: Some people can't handle the truth.

I have often found and heard that when a woman wants to know the truth, she will just KNOW when her husband is cheating. When she doesn't, she can be given every clue in the world, including them just tumbling out of her bed, and she won't see any of the signs or clues.

Your friend just may not have been ready to deal with the truth and the DECISION that comes with the truth.

What you have inadvertently done is force the truth upon her, and possibly a decision: should she believe you and confront him and change her whole life as it is, or be mad at you and preserve what she has.

Sounds like she'd rather be in denial and not change her life.

IF or when she is ready to face her husband is a cad and the changes acknowledging that may entail, then she will be friends with you again. If not, then she will be mad at you and toss YOU out of her life.

As Disney Doll said, "If you think you did the right thing, then you did the right thing."

You an stand by that for yourself. That is your ethics and integrity. But again, realize that what you want for yourself is nor necessarily what someone else wants for themselves.

Perhaps a better way to have started the conversation would have been, "Theoretically, If someone ever found out your husband is cheating, would you want to know? Would you want someone to tell you? REALLY? I mean REALLY. Even if it changed your whole life and your relationship?"

There are a lot of women who would truthfully say no. And if your friend said yes, then she has to take responsibility for her answer and you then telling her.

If she said yes, she'd want to know, but was lying to herself, and then was mad at you telling her, her problems are at her core, not personal about you.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

If you think you did the right thing, then you did the right thing. You can't control someone else's reaction. A risk one takes with being the messenger is exactly this. But if the message needs to be given, then it needs to be given. Don't get into an online back & forth with her. Your best response is " I have provided the information. It's up to you what you do with it". Trying to justify or defend your decision any further will only serve to distract her from the matter at hand.

I won't. Especially because I tend to get myself into trouble a lot. If she doesn't say anything in a few days, I'm just going to say this.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

I like this! I would want my friends to tell me, and be very mad and unforgiving if I found out they didn't tell me. BUT it is only human to look for someone or thing to blame at first. Give her time. But you may loose her as a friend but I would rather loose her as a friend than live with my self for not telling her something she should know. Sorry like we tell our kids, doing the right thing isn't always the easy thing but it is the right thing.

And I believe I did the right thing. I will give her time, and I'll be upset losing her as a friend but I'd rather lose her with her knowing than keep her and lie to her everyday.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

The Rule. The problem with what the two of you have said is:This is what you both would want. The truth. (Me too, BTW.) But, to paraphrase Jack Nicholson: Some people can't handle the truth. I have often found and heard that when a woman wants to know the truth, she will just KNOW when her husband is cheating. When she doesn't, she can be given every clue in the world, including them just tumbling out of her bed, and she won't see any of the signs or clues. Your friend just may not have been ready to deal with the truth and the DECISION that comes with the truth. What you have inadvertently done is force the truth upon her, and possibly a decision: should she believe you and confront him and change her whole life as it is, or be mad at you and preserve what she has. Sounds like she'd rather be in denial and not change her life. IF or when she is ready to face her husband is a cad and the changes acknowledging that may entail, then she will be friends with you again. If not, then she will be mad at you and toss YOU out of her life. As Disney Doll said, "If you think you did the right thing, then you did the right thing." You an stand by that for yourself. That is your ethics and integrity. But again, realize that what you want for yourself is nor necessarily what someone else wants for themselves. Perhaps a better way to have started the conversation would have been, "Theoretically, If someone ever found out your husband is cheating, would you want to know? Would you want someone to tell you? REALLY? I mean REALLY. Even if it changed your whole life and your relationship?" There are a lot of women who would truthfully say no. And if your friend said yes, then she has to take responsibility for her answer and you then telling her. If she said yes, she'd want to know, but was lying to herself, and then was mad at you telling her, her problems are at her core, not personal about you.

Thank you, this helps me put into perspective into why she's mad at me. I did say, "If I found out something bad about Austin, would you want me to tell you?" She said yes but I guess I should have been more clear.

It just kind of sucks because we are about 5 hours apart and we don't really have any other mutual friends so I can't tell where she's at mentally unless she tells me.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

But... she did just delete the sub tweet. So maybe that's progress?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

One of the first stages of a grieving process, which one would go through in this sort of situation, is denial. It's a process. She needs to work it through. And it may take a lot of time and there may be a lot of back and forth. I can't say if it was the right thing to do.

It does sound, though, like you did it for you and not necessarily with her best interests in mind? Or at the very least, maybe you could have shown more sensitivity in your approach, as Imzadi suggested. How did you tell her anyway? It might just be a live and learn situation.

 

[Jennasis]

What the heck is a sub tweet?

 

[cabanafrau]

What the heck is a sub tweet?

Thank you!

OP, how are you five hours apart, with no mutual friends, yet sent her absolute proof?

What do you mean you get in trouble a lot? Are you addicted to the drama?

Maybe your friend needs some time to process. You may have spilled the beans, but this isn't about you.

 

[NewRVLady]

He can say whatever he wants but it's hardcore, undeniable evidence that I sent her.

It's just stressing me out.

Do you have a pic of them in bed?

Really-what could absolutely prove this?


My girlfriend saw the Credit Card bill in Jan for expensive jewelry she didnt get at Christmas-her DH probably WANTED her to find out that way-we were TOTALLY shocked-they were the 'perfecct" couple

 

[kellyg403]

Thank you!

OP, how are you five hours apart, with no mutual friends, yet sent her absolute proof?

What do you mean you get in trouble a lot? Are you addicted to the drama?

Maybe your friend needs some time to process. You may have spilled the beans, but this isn't about you.

Yes, I was wondering also.

OP, I would give her time to process things. Initially you had to know when you spilled the beans what the consequences might be. You went to the trouble of having absolute proof when you gave her the news so you knew this was something she would have difficulty absorbing IMHO.

And I know you didn't ask, but honestly, I don't think you should have done it. I typically think that the best way to handle these situations is to go to the cheater and say hey I know I have proof, you tell or I do. The cheater usually will give up the ghost without help.

Kelly

 

[DawnM]

I am a little confused about the absolute proof too, unless you are the one he is having an affair with, in that case I fully understand why she would never speak to you again. I am going to assume you are not the person, and in that case, I am still confused.

I have no idea what a sub-tweet is. I barely understand what a tweet is!

 

[aaarcher86]

This feels off... I'd also like to know what the proof is. Only thing I can think of is OP created a fake profile (or just stayed herself) and got husband to agree to meet for a bed sheet dance.

 

[msjprincess]

I had to look up subtweet. It's a subliminal tweet, you talk about someone without actually mentioning their name.