Shooting the messenger

[kellyg403]

I had to look up subtweet. It's a subliminal tweet, you talk about someone without actually mentioning their name.

Sooo, its like being paranoid via twitter?

Kelly

 

[aaarcher86]

Sooo, its like being paranoid via twitter? Kelly

Maybe more like a vaguebook?

 

[kellyg403]

Maybe more like a vaguebook?

I will have to take your word for it...I have no idea what that is either.

My age is certainly showing...or maybe my lack of techy skills..

 

[halleous]

This feels off... I'd also like to know what the proof is. Only thing I can think of is OP created a fake profile (or just stayed herself) and got husband to agree to meet for a bed sheet dance.

bed sheet dance first time i have heard this probably wrong as this is a serious post but this made me laugh thanks aaarcher86 for bringing a smile to my face while im stuck at the office! xx

 

[ronandannette]

If you think you did the right thing, then you did the right thing.
You can't control someone else's reaction.
A risk one takes with being the messenger is exactly this.
But if the message needs to be given, then it needs to be given.
Don't get into an online back & forth with her.
Your best response is " I have provided the information. It's up to you what you do with it".
Trying to justify or defend your decision any further will only serve to distract her from the matter at hand.

This, but I would add "because I care too much for you to sit by knowing you're being betrayed".

Thank you!

OP, how are you five hours apart, with no mutual friends, yet sent her absolute proof?

What do you mean you get in trouble a lot? Are you addicted to the drama?

Maybe your friend needs some time to process. You may have spilled the beans, but this isn't about you.

Nice catch. You may have hit on something here. The OP has not responded...

Yes, I was wondering also.

OP, I would give her time to process things. Initially you had to know when you spilled the beans what the consequences might be. You went to the trouble of having absolute proof when you gave her the news so you knew this was something she would have difficulty absorbing IMHO.

And I know you didn't ask, but honestly, I don't think you should have done it. I typically think that the best way to handle these situations is to go to the cheater and say hey I know I have proof, you tell or I do. The cheater usually will give up the ghost without help.

Kelly

I totally agree with this, but what's done is done.

 

[DawnM]

I think those of us who are *ahem* older, don't feel the need to post every little thing about our lives to the world like many do these days.

I really don't care what you had for dinner or what someone at the supermarket counter said to you that you decided to get all worked up about and post to get people to comment.

To me it seems like:

Dawn

I will have to take your word for it...I have no idea what that is either.

My age is certainly showing...or maybe my lack of techy skills..

 

[Metsfan520]

Was this some kind of April Fool's joke?

 

[aaarcher86]

bed sheet dance first time i have heard this probably wrong as this is a serious post but this made me laugh thanks aaarcher86 for bringing a smile to my face while im stuck at the office! xx

Lol I had to go through my list of postable phrases!

 

[aaarcher86]

I will have to take your word for it...I have no idea what that is either. My age is certainly showing...or maybe my lack of techy skills..

Something like 'Sometimes you find out who your real friends are! Karma is a B!' ... Something clearly directed at someone else without actually naming them.

It's ridiculous. I'd rather not know myself lmao

 

[DawnM]

Ah, that is quite plausible.

Was this some kind of April Fool's joke?

 

[bellebud]

I agree w/ others that there are a lot of spouses that would rather not "know". She may have already known, but if no one else knew, she could continue to pretend she didn't know. Now that you've told her, it's public (even if it's only you).

At this point, after you wait a few days or so for her to process the info, I'd probably write her a private message, saying something like you're sorry you told her, and even if she's mad at you, you're still there for her, with whatever she chooses to do with the information.

I don't think I'd tell a friend if the spouse was cheating. There are almost always signs, and if the spouse isn't seeing them, it's because they don't want to. Getting in the middle of someone's marriage is a huge deal, and I wouldn't do it.

 

[mjkacmom]

I've heard (television, magazines) that in these situations, it's very rare for the friendship to survive. Everyone says they would want to know, but the whistle blower has to accept the fact that the friendship will never be the same. It's rare that the victim feels gratitude towards the person who told her - it's actually the opposite.

 

[JanaDee]

I won't. Especially because I tend to get myself into trouble a lot. If she doesn't say anything in a few days, I'm just going to say this.

This post says a lot.

 

[anniemae]

What's done is done and the ball is in her court. All you can do is wait and see what she does. She may be mad at you, she may forgive you and be grateful. Right now though, she is probably in such a state of shock, betrayal, anger etc. that she can't think straight.

How did you get the proof? Was it by accident or did you go out seeking the proof? Maybe she is mad that you "went after" the proof? I don't know, just a guess.

 

[tina.tina]

Dear OP, I would've wanted to know and I would've thanked you for being my friend and loving me enough to do something so difficult. Asking for advice on the DIS is a touchy thing. You never know what you're going to get.


Of course, I would've wanted as much notice as I could get because revenge takes time to plan.....

I think what the OP meant about getting herself in trouble is directly related to a PP's comment about not getting herself in an online back & forth with the friend. The OP probably hasn't come back and posted because she doesn't want to get in an online back and forth here either.

 

[cassandrap83]

He can say whatever he wants but it's hardcore, undeniable evidence that I sent her.

It's just stressing me out.

It's stressing you out? I'm 100% sure the stress she is going through right now is way worse. You just rocked her world. She is probably just as mad at the situation, not you. Give her some time to sort it out, then reaffirm your support to her.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I've also wondered about what proof you would have, being five hours away, and I also wondered about the delivery method

Did you happen to be out in YOUR town and see him making out with someone else and take photos and then texted those photos to her

I sincerely hope that if you were choosing to give this message you would do so in person and in the most supportive way possible.


That said, even if you really are correct that there is absolute proof and he is having an affair, and even if she leaves him and ends up glad she found out, I can imagine that for some people, after such a life altering and BAD thing, they could never just relax with the person that they associate that pieces of news coming from again--so yes, the friendship may be done.

FWIW--I don't know, and I hope I never have to know (and believe I never will), but I THINK that I would not want to be told (unless he told me himself). I am pretty sure I would figure it out in my own time and need to figure it out slowly, and with my own eyes to even believe it and absorb it, and I would not want it "public" as I was dealing with it.

 

[momto2girls]

I agree w/ others that there are a lot of spouses that would rather not "know". She may have already known, but if no one else knew, she could continue to pretend she didn't know. Now that you've told her, it's public (even if it's only you).

At this point, after you wait a few days or so for her to process the info, I'd probably write her a private message, saying something like you're sorry you told her, and even if she's mad at you, you're still there for her, with whatever she chooses to do with the information.

I don't think I'd tell a friend if the spouse was cheating. There are almost always signs, and if the spouse isn't seeing them, it's because they don't want to. Getting in the middle of someone's marriage is a huge deal, and I wouldn't do it.

I agree with all of this. I will never say never, but I would think long and hard about telling a friend that their spouse was cheating. Like you said, there are almost always signs and often the person is ignoring them because they really don't want to deal with it. I would have to be really, really sure that the friends would want to know something like this before I'd say anything and even then I'd have to do it knowing that our friendship might be ruined over it.

 

[momto2girls]

FWIW--I don't know, and I hope I never have to know (and believe I never will), but I THINK that I would not want to be told (unless he told me himself). I am pretty sure I would figure it out in my own time and need to figure it out slowly, and with my own eyes to even believe it and absorb it, and I would not want it "public" as I was dealing with it.

I agree with this completely. If I were in this situation, I would not want a friend to tell me (even if she knew). I would prefer to figure it out myself and deal with it in whatever manner that I chose without having friends watching to see what I am going to do. I very well might choose to continue my marriage (either with or without acknowledgement of the affair in private), so having the knowledge that a friend(s) knows would certainly
make the whole situation more awkward and would likely doom the friendship(s).

 

[cabanafrau]

Dear OP, I would've wanted to know and I would've thanked you for being my friend and loving me enough to do something so difficult. Asking for advice on the DIS is a touchy thing. You never know what you're going to get.


Of course, I would've wanted as much notice as I could get because revenge takes time to plan.....

I think what the OP meant about getting herself in trouble is directly related to a PP's comment about not getting herself in an online back & forth with the friend. The OP probably hasn't come back and posted because she doesn't want to get in an online back and forth here either.

My questions are based on the OP's own words and comments. Your speculation is based on your speculation.