Shooting the messenger

[msjprincess]

Dear OP, I would've wanted to know and I would've thanked you for being my friend and loving me enough to do something so difficult. Asking for advice on the DIS is a touchy thing. You never know what you're going to get.


Of course, I would've wanted as much notice as I could get because revenge takes time to plan.....

I think what the OP meant about getting herself in trouble is directly related to a PP's comment about not getting herself in an online back & forth with the friend. The OP probably hasn't come back and posted because she doesn't want to get in an online back and forth here either.

I'm guessing she hasn't come back yet since it's only 7am.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I agree with this completely. If I were in this situation, I would not want a friend to tell me (even if she knew). I would prefer to figure it out myself and deal with it in whatever manner that I chose without having friends watching to see what I am going to do. I very well might choose to continue my marriage (either with or without acknowledgement of the affair in private), so having the knowledge that a friend(s) knows would certainly
make the whole situation more awkward and would likely doom the friendship(s).

Yes, I could see that as a potential problem--especially if the tone or delivery method of the messenger indicated that they thought I ought to end it--I would think that would add so much more pressure and stress to something already horribly stressful.

 

[Andtototoo]

I had a very close friend whose husband cheated on her with another friend (and coworker) while she was pregnant. She found out on her own. He moved out. He and the friend/coworker had a public relationship and he basically ignored his pregnant wife for months. I very very carefully never said one negative word about the husband (or the other friend). I was just there for her, supporting her, listening to her issues and drying her tears literally every single day.

After the baby was born, her husband dumped the other woman and she took him back. And then she dumped me. Because I 'reminded her of a bad time in her life.' I did the right thing and get punished for it. The friends who ignored her during her time of trouble? She's still friends with them.

I was devastated and very hurt. Some time later, I was talking to an acquaintance who is a family and marriage therapist and asked her how often that happens. She said that if the wife decides to stay with the husband, she excises any reminders of the infidelity from her life, including friends who told her the truth and/or provided support. She basically said that most often, when the husband screws another woman but the wife keeps him, the wife's "real' friends (the ones who tell the truth and provide support) end up getting screwed too.

 

[cdndisneymum]

My heart goes out to you; this has happened to me as well. You did the right thing. He is a DB (does not stand for "dear brother") and you will be made to look like the party at fault. Where there is smoke...there is fire. She will find out the truth. You are a good friend.

Have a magical day

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

Okay, I think I can answer everyone's questions. If I miss something, let me know.

First, it's 8 in the morning, I surprised I'm even up right now because I was up so late. That's why I haven't responded until now. Not everyone lives on the east coast.

Let's be clear, this isn't a married couple. It's a 21 year old and a 25 year old who are just in the very beginning stages of a relationship. I'm not 100% sure that they're even officially boyfriend and girlfriend. From what she had told me, they were in the grey area right before the labels of boyfriend and girlfriend are used. But, he's also been saying that he's single, hasn't done anything with anyone in a while, etc, during the first months that they've been talking because they've been doing this flirting, hanging out a lot, doing stuff type of thing since October. But the cheating is from as late as Spring Break, which was last week.

This is not an April Fools joke. I realized after that I had picked a bad day to do this.

Yes, a subtweet is a subliminal tweet. For example, she tweeted: "if this is an April Fools joke, I'm going to drive 5 hours to Hillsboro and punch you in the face." Sometimes there's paranoia in subtweeting but this isn't the case.

I would have subtweeted back, or just tweeted back at her, that what's I mean by always getting into trouble. Sometimes I don't know how to shut up and I don't want a twitter war.

The information came from a mutual friend I have through him who showed me that they have had sexual relations up until and through SB and were also flirting with the idea of a relationship. She didn't know my friend and had no idea about her, btw. I wasn't fishing for the information, I just asked her about him because they're from the same smallish town growing up and thought she could help me like him better. Or hate him less. I guess he likes softball players, they both play or played college softball. But he's a baseball player and they always all know each other.

How the message was delivered: We're 5 hours apart (she's at school, she's from here), she hates talking on the phone, and texting everything isn't a big deal for someone who's 21 (which I hate sometimes as someone who is 26 and used to not always having a texting phone, but that's just how it is now). I texted her the information and I know that method of delivery will be fine. Of course, I'd rather had done it in person, or call, but that's not the standard anymore.

In the text I sent her, I told her that I was just giving you the information, and that I'm not going to care what she chooses to do with it. I told her if she decides to stay with him, I really don't care and that either way, I'm here. She knows I don't say things unless I mean them.

I'm allowed to be stressed out, too! I know it's nothing compared to how she's feeling but she isn't on here, I am. Just because she's not having a great time it doesn't mean I have to be just fine.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

And... I need to take a shower and get to work by 10 so if I don't respond after 10, that's why.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Okay, I think I can answer everyone's questions. If I miss something, let me know.

First, it's 8 in the morning, I surprised I'm even up right now because I was up so late. That's why I haven't responded until now. Not everyone lives on the east coast.

Let's be clear, this isn't a married couple. It's a 21 year old and a 25 year old who are just in the very beginning stages of a relationship. I'm not 100% sure that they're even officially boyfriend and girlfriend. From what she had told me, they were in the grey area right before the labels of boyfriend and girlfriend are used. But, he's also been saying that he's single, hasn't done anything with anyone in a while, etc, during the first months that they've been talking because they've been doing this flirting, hanging out a lot, doing stuff type of thing since October. But the cheating is from as late as Spring Break, which was last week.

This is not an April Fools joke. I realized after that I had picked a bad day to do this.

Yes, a subtweet is a subliminal tweet. For example, she tweeted: "if this is an April Fools joke, I'm going to drive 5 hours to Hillsboro and punch you in the face." Sometimes there's paranoia in subtweeting but this isn't the case.

I would have subtweeted back, or just tweeted back at her, that what's I mean by always getting into trouble. Sometimes I don't know how to shut up and I don't want a twitter war.

The information came from a mutual friend I have through him who showed me that they have had sexual relations up until and through SB and were also flirting with the idea of a relationship. She didn't know my friend and had no idea about her, btw. I wasn't fishing for the information, I just asked her about him because they're from the same smallish town growing up and thought she could help me like him better. Or hate him less. I guess he likes softball players, they both play or played college softball. But he's a baseball player and they always all know each other.

How the message was delivered: We're 5 hours apart (she's at school, she's from here), she hates talking on the phone, and texting everything isn't a big deal for someone who's 21 (which I hate sometimes as someone who is 26 and used to not always having a texting phone, but that's just how it is now). I texted her the information and I know that method of delivery will be fine. Of course, I'd rather had done it in person, or call, but that's not the standard anymore.

In the text I sent her, I told her that I was just giving you the information, and that I'm not going to care what she chooses to do with it. I told her if she decides to stay with him, I really don't care and that either way, I'm here. She knows I don't say things unless I mean them.

I'm allowed to be stressed out, too! I know it's nothing compared to how she's feeling but she isn't on here, I am. Just because she's not having a great time it doesn't mean I have to be just fine.

Thanks for all of the additional information It is a totally different story than I was imagining.

Personally, there is no way whatsoever that I would involve myself in this situation. The couple were not even considering themselves boyfriend and girlfriend yet? To me, that is not cheating; that is not being in a serious relationship (therefore no one to cheat on).

And I do not think her tweet was passive aggressive or anything else either--I can imagine that getting that information, via text, randomly from someone 5 hours away on April 1st would feel like it could be a mean spirited April Fool's joke.

Personally, sorry to tell you OP, but I think you put your messenger nose into places it did not belong. I hope the drama dies down soon and you do not lose a friend over this. However, in your friend's shoes, I would distance myself from someone who creates drama like this.

 

[JanaDee]

Okay, I think I can answer everyone's questions. If I miss something, let me know.

First, it's 8 in the morning, I surprised I'm even up right now because I was up so late. That's why I haven't responded until now. Not everyone lives on the east coast.

Let's be clear, this isn't a married couple. It's a 21 year old and a 25 year old who are just in the very beginning stages of a relationship. I'm not 100% sure that they're even officially boyfriend and girlfriend. From what she had told me, they were in the grey area right before the labels of boyfriend and girlfriend are used. But, he's also been saying that he's single, hasn't done anything with anyone in a while, etc, during the first months that they've been talking because they've been doing this flirting, hanging out a lot, doing stuff type of thing since October. But the cheating is from as late as Spring Break, which was last week.

This is not an April Fools joke. I realized after that I had picked a bad day to do this.

Yes, a subtweet is a subliminal tweet. For example, she tweeted: "if this is an April Fools joke, I'm going to drive 5 hours to Hillsboro and punch you in the face." Sometimes there's paranoia in subtweeting but this isn't the case.

I would have subtweeted back, or just tweeted back at her, that what's I mean by always getting into trouble. Sometimes I don't know how to shut up and I don't want a twitter war.

The information came from a mutual friend I have through him who showed me that they have had sexual relations up until and through SB and were also flirting with the idea of a relationship. She didn't know my friend and had no idea about her, btw. I wasn't fishing for the information, I just asked her about him because they're from the same smallish town growing up and thought she could help me like him better. Or hate him less. I guess he likes softball players, they both play or played college softball. But he's a baseball player and they always all know each other.

How the message was delivered: We're 5 hours apart (she's at school, she's from here), she hates talking on the phone, and texting everything isn't a big deal for someone who's 21 (which I hate sometimes as someone who is 26 and used to not always having a texting phone, but that's just how it is now). I texted her the information and I know that method of delivery will be fine. Of course, I'd rather had done it in person, or call, but that's not the standard anymore.

In the text I sent her, I told her that I was just giving you the information, and that I'm not going to care what she chooses to do with it. I told her if she decides to stay with him, I really don't care and that either way, I'm here. She knows I don't say things unless I mean them.

I'm allowed to be stressed out, too! I know it's nothing compared to how she's feeling but she isn't on here, I am. Just because she's not having a great time it doesn't mean I have to be just fine.

With the extra provided details, it was none of your business and you should have kept your nose out of it. Now I see why you said you tend to get yourself in a lot of trouble.

No, you aren't allowed to be stressed out. This has nothing to do with you personally and everything to do with you wanting to start drama over nothing.

 

[cabanafrau]

With the extra provided details, it was none of your business and you should have kept your nose out of it. Now I see why you said you tend to get yourself in a lot of trouble.

No, you aren't allowed to be stressed out. This has nothing to do with you personally and everything to do with you wanting to start drama over nothing.

Agree. And generational differences aside, doing this via text message was not okay. You didn't like the guy anyway. You're not exactly sure where things stood between them & you went ahead and blitzkrieged the relationship anyway & at the end of the day you're worried about your relationship with your friend? You were far less considerate of her feelings, no matter how right you felt the relationship wasn't or what the status was. That's why a conversation could have been helpful.

Good friends are hard to come by.

 

[msjprincess]

Now that I've heard the additional details. I have to say that you really should have stayed out of it and minded your own business.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

Thanks for all of the additional information It is a totally different story than I was imagining.

Personally, there is no way whatsoever that I would involve myself in this situation. The couple were not even considering themselves boyfriend and girlfriend yet? To me, that is not cheating; that is not being in a serious relationship (therefore no one to cheat on).

And I do not think her tweet was passive aggressive or anything else either--I can imagine that getting that information, via text, randomly from someone 5 hours away on April 1st would feel like it could be a mean spirited April Fool's joke.

Personally, sorry to tell you OP, but I think you put your messenger nose into places it did not belong. I hope the drama dies down soon and you do not lose a friend over this. However, in your friend's shoes, I would distance myself from someone who creates drama like this.

It wasn't a random text, as we text every day. And I had tweeting on March 31st, unrelated to this whatsoever, that I hate April Fools and I can't wait for April 2.

I know it put it where I shouldn't have, I didn't intend for this to happen AT ALL.

 

[NHdisneylover]

It wasn't a random text, as we text every day. And I had tweeting on March 31st, unrelated to this whatsoever, that I hate April Fools and I can't wait for April 2.

I know it put it where I shouldn't have, I didn't intend for this to happen AT ALL.

What DID you intend to happen when you texted her about the guy she might consider her boyfriend in the nearish future "cheating" on her? I honestly cannot imagine that there would ever be a good outcome to that.

BTW--even if you text with each other all the time, I think throwing in "by the way, so and so is cheating on you" is "random" as in it comes from basically out of nowhere and is not something one TEXTS (yes, I am old, but it is late afternoon here and my two teens agree--I checked).

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

Agree. And generational differences aside, doing this via text message was not okay. You didn't like the guy anyway. You're not exactly sure where things stood between them & you went ahead and blitzkrieged the relationship anyway & at the end of the day you're worried about your relationship with your friend? You were far less considerate of her feelings, no matter how right you felt the relationship wasn't or what the status was. That's why a conversation could have been helpful.

Good friends are hard to come by.

Hm... I guess next time since she hates talking on the phone, I'll just drive 5 hours each way?

 

[aaarcher86]

Okay, I think I can answer everyone's questions. If I miss something, let me know.

First, it's 8 in the morning, I surprised I'm even up right now because I was up so late. That's why I haven't responded until now. Not everyone lives on the east coast.

Let's be clear, this isn't a married couple. It's a 21 year old and a 25 year old who are just in the very beginning stages of a relationship. I'm not 100% sure that they're even officially boyfriend and girlfriend. From what she had told me, they were in the grey area right before the labels of boyfriend and girlfriend are used. But, he's also been saying that he's single, hasn't done anything with anyone in a while, etc, during the first months that they've been talking because they've been doing this flirting, hanging out a lot, doing stuff type of thing since October. But the cheating is from as late as Spring Break, which was last week.

This is not an April Fools joke. I realized after that I had picked a bad day to do this.

Yes, a subtweet is a subliminal tweet. For example, she tweeted: "if this is an April Fools joke, I'm going to drive 5 hours to Hillsboro and punch you in the face." Sometimes there's paranoia in subtweeting but this isn't the case.

I would have subtweeted back, or just tweeted back at her, that what's I mean by always getting into trouble. Sometimes I don't know how to shut up and I don't want a twitter war.

The information came from a mutual friend I have through him who showed me that they have had sexual relations up until and through SB and were also flirting with the idea of a relationship. She didn't know my friend and had no idea about her, btw. I wasn't fishing for the information, I just asked her about him because they're from the same smallish town growing up and thought she could help me like him better. Or hate him less. I guess he likes softball players, they both play or played college softball. But he's a baseball player and they always all know each other.

How the message was delivered: We're 5 hours apart (she's at school, she's from here), she hates talking on the phone, and texting everything isn't a big deal for someone who's 21 (which I hate sometimes as someone who is 26 and used to not always having a texting phone, but that's just how it is now). I texted her the information and I know that method of delivery will be fine. Of course, I'd rather had done it in person, or call, but that's not the standard anymore.

In the text I sent her, I told her that I was just giving you the information, and that I'm not going to care what she chooses to do with it. I told her if she decides to stay with him, I really don't care and that either way, I'm here. She knows I don't say things unless I mean them.

I'm allowed to be stressed out, too! I know it's nothing compared to how she's feeling but she isn't on here, I am. Just because she's not having a great time it doesn't mean I have to be just fine.

With all of this, I can't even understand why this is a big deal to anyone. If they aren't officially dating then he can sleep around with and date anyone he wants. I wouldn't call this cheating at all since it doesn't sound like they were official.

I wouldn't have said a thing, but since you did the ball is in her court. Just drop it. Maybe send her a text next week, 'hey haven't heard from you in awhile. Just saying hi' and see how it goes.

If she's just miffed you got involved in something that's none of your business, well, I'd be a little annoyed too. Next time mind your business and you won't have this problem. You being stressed... ridiculous. If you're stressed because she's mad at you, you've got no one to blame but yourself. I can't even imagine talking to someone else about my friend's maybe/kinda/sorta boyfriend.

 

[anniemae]

I agree you should have stayed out of it given the additional details. They are young and they may not have even been a couple? Yeah just don't get involved.

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

What DID you intend to happen when you texted her about the guy she might consider her boyfriend in the nearish future "cheating" on her? I honestly cannot imagine that there would ever be a good outcome to that.

BTW--even if you text with each other all the time, I think throwing in "by the way, so and so is cheating on you" is "random" as in it comes from basically out of nowhere and is not something one TEXTS (yes, I am old, but it is late afternoon here and my two teens agree--I checked).

I meant that I didn't intend to find this out. I sat on it for a couple of days because I wasn't sure I should have said anything.

Can we just agree to disagree about the texting? You know your people, I know mine. There are plenty of people I would have never texted this to but trust me when I say this was okay to text to her. Everyone is different on how they feel about finding out their being lied to apparently, people are also different about how they feel about texting.

 

[JanaDee]

I know it put it where I shouldn't have, I didn't intend for this to happen AT ALL.

Sure you did. Otherwise, you would have stayed out of it and kept your mouth shut on something that was none of your business.

 

[usnuzuloose]

I am not trying to be mean, just letting you know. If you say you tend to get yourself in trouble then why not let things be. Weather they are married or not this thing is a delicate matter. And they the way you tell her weather she stays with him or not really makes it sound like you could care less about her, meaning you just wanted to be the one to deliver the message and be the one that told.

All this has done is made the situation worse. I guarantee you that it would have come out at some point even without anyone saying anything. It does hurt to see our friends get hurt no doubt. But there are times when it is best to not say anything until we know for sure how to tell someone.

Being in the middle of the drama does you no favors, only hurting yourself and her.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Hm... I guess next time since she hates talking on the phone, I'll just drive 5 hours each way?

Personally, I feel that if it is a big enough deal to be considered "cheating" (I do not htink this was) and you feel you MUST tell them, then yes, it is a big enough deal to drive five hours and tell the friend in person.

Both the way you handled it and the fact that you involved yourself at all, sound like looking for drama and thriving on said drama, IMO.

Like I said, I would likely distance myself from the friendship (effectively ending it in time) if I were your friend. NOT because you brought me terrible news and I could not separate the messenger from the news--but because you inserted yourself where you did not have any business being, and in a tactless way, for what? To add drama to my life, and yours? I don't need friends like that.

I think your initial observation that you tend to get yourself into trouble was more spot on than you knew. Sorry. I hope you can learn from this and not jump to involving yourself in other's personal lives in the future.

 

[aaarcher86]

Personally, I feel that if it is a big enough deal to be considered "cheating" (I do not htink this was) and you feel you MUST tell them, then yes, it is a big enough deal to drive five hours and tell the friend in person.

Both the way you handled it and the fact that you involved yourself at all, sound like looking for drama and thriving on said drama, IMO.

Like I said, I would likely distance myself from the friendship (effectively ending it in time) if I were your friend. NOT because you brought me terrible news and I could not separate the messenger from the news--but because you inserted yourself where you did not have any business being, and in a tactless way, for what? To add drama to my life, and yours? I don't need friends like that.

I think your initial observation that you tend to get yourself into trouble was more spot on than you knew. Sorry. I hope you can learn from this and not jump to involving yourself in other's personal lives in the future.

Sounds like my ex-aunt. Always thinks drama follows her, but doesn't realize she's actually causing it herself!