Really torn on adopt a family

[golfgal]

I guess I was different as a child, or maybe it's because my parents had no money, but pulling out chapstick vs lipsmackers was something I never even thought about My keds vs their nikes and reeboks and pumas never bothered me either.
Or it could be the upbringing. I was taught to be thankful for everything....and that when I received something it was the thought that counted.

I remember REALLY, REALLY wanting the Bonnie Bell in the big tube with the string that went around your neck. I never got any though. I think it does bother some kids, a lot of kids, especially in the middle school years, not to have SOME of the "popular" thing and yes, it is nice to have SOME of those things, but when you NEED socks, Burt Bees seems a little frivolous.

 

[C.Ann]

The problem is, the kids ask for all of these expensive gifts, most people CAN'T afford to pay for 9 Xbox games and whatever else for this family. Then what do you get them? You have no ideas after that and that is where the problem lies. Clothing, sure you can get some deals on Hollister and AE or whatever, not really that big of an issue since you can find something on clearance for under $20 usually--which is how we shop for our own kids too. When one family is essentially asking for over $1000 worth of gifts, it is greed that is driving that.

Key word: asking.. Not necessarily expecting it - but if people don't ask (and that applies to any kind of situation) they don't "get".. If whoever has chosen that family can't afford the requests, they can choose a different family.. The next person to end up with the list that was unaffordable for the first person may very well have plenty of money to purchase exactly what was requested.. I'm pretty sure it's not only "average-income families" that are involved in this type of charity - and especially at Christmas time.. There are even families who choose not to exchange gifts within their own immediate families and do something like this instead - to teach their children how to be charitable.. (I think I've even read posts of that nature on the BB during the many years I've been a member of the DIS..) So maybe the OP should return that list and get another.. The next person may very well have no problem with that particular "Wish List"..

The point with the hoodie (and again, this is only me) is that before I would do $50 my child vs. $2.99 child in need, (if my funds were limited) I would do $25 on each..

 

[luvmy3]

But maybe the socks and underwear are the one gift that the parent can afford to give..

My point is that I would not go into something like this giving cheap items that I would not even buy for my own children.. Kids want to fit in - and in order to avoid being labeled and picked on endlessly in school, it would be nice if they could at least have something that most other kids have.. If I were to give my own child a name brand $50 hoodie (or whatever), I would not turn around and buy a no-name hoodie at Ocean State job Lot for $2.99 for a child in need.. But - that's just me..

Or you can look at this way, instead of getting that kid a $50 A&F hoodie, you (general you) could take $25 and get them a generic hoodie, a T-shirt, pj bottoms, socks, gloves, and a winter hat.
Or, buying that $2.99 hoodie allows people to give to other charities whether during the Holidays or other times of the year.

For me, when I choose to give goods to a charity, I don't do it so the kids will fit in, I do it because they have a need for things. I would rather them have 5 items they may need than 1 item that has some store logo on it.
Having said that, I don't have a problem with kids asking for things like clothes from A&F, or video games, or even a video game system because they are kids and they do want what other kids have, and it is a Christmas wish list. I would just hope they aren't expecting it.

 

[C.Ann]

Yes, absolutely. When I was a teenager, being able to pull a Lip Smacker out of your pocket instead of generic brand made you feel like you fit in with everyone else. It doesn't mean other kids are going to mock your no name lip gloss, but it does mean that you can have one small thing that everyone else has.

And really - how expensive is a brand name lip gloss, if it makes the difference in a child feeling like they fit in as opposed to not..

 

[JaneBanks]

I don't even think the kids *technically* asked for these certain gifts. They were asked what they do for fun and video games were among the options.

Besides, this isn't a family donating, it is a business. I wonder if businesses are given larger families because they would be able to afford to give more than an average family can.

 

[tlbwriter]

I guess I was different as a child, or maybe it's because my parents had no money, but pulling out chapstick vs lipsmackers was something I never even thought about My keds vs their nikes and reeboks and pumas never bothered me either.
Or it could be the upbringing. I was taught to be thankful for everything....and that when I received something it was the thought that counted.

Well, if you actually had Keds, you couldn't have been all that deprived. We had generic Keds-style sneakers from Walmart!

Anyway, I don't like to be all holier-than-thou and "this was good enough for me so it's good enough for you" when it comes to Christmas. I think Christmas is a perfect time to make little dreams come true. If Chapstick is good enough, then "Oh wow, is that the new mango Lipsmacker, do you like it, where did you get it?" is, for a kid, such a nice little thing. Financially deprived kids get 364 days a year of "no, you can't have that." I think they deserve ONE day of "yes, you can have that, even though it's a tiny bit of a luxury."

 

[Coconut36]

Well, if you actually had Keds, you couldn't have been all that deprived. We had generic Keds-style sneakers from Walmart!

Anyway, I don't like to be all holier-than-thou and "this was good enough for me so it's good enough for you" when it comes to Christmas. I think Christmas is a perfect time to make little dreams come true. If Chapstick is good enough, then "Oh wow, is that the new mango Lipsmacker, do you like it, where did you get it?" is, for a kid, such a nice little thing. Financially deprived kids get 364 days a year of "no, you can't have that." I think they deserve ONE day of "yes, you can have that, even though it's a tiny bit of a luxury."

Totally agree!

 

[C.Ann]

Or you can look at this way, instead of getting that kid a $50 A&F hoodie, you (general you) could take $25 and get them a generic hoodie, a T-shirt, pj bottoms, socks, gloves, and a winter hat.
Or, buying that $2.99 hoodie allows people to give to other charities whether during the Holidays or other times of the year.

That's more like what I would do for my own child - with maybe one name brand item thrown in - so I could afford to give to another child who may not have a chance in the world (other than this Wish List) of having anything that would make them feel a little special - or feel as though they "fit in" at school..

I know the whole "fitting in" thing is crazy - but it's very, very real - and it's very, very hurtful for the kids who don't.. Other kids can be extremely cruel.. I wish we could change that, but society has pretty much created this monster of everything needing to be "brand name" - right down to lip gloss or chap sticks.. I mean how pathetic is that? Even adults buy into it - with the items they want for themselves.. They have choices though: jobs; running up CC debt; etc; to obtain whatever they want, no matter the cost.. Children don't have those choices..

But again - these are just my thoughts and opinions - and I do understand that others may feel differently.. The OP isn't comfortable with the family she was given, so I think it's best if she return that list and get a different one..

 

[C.Ann]

Well, if you actually had Keds, you couldn't have been all that deprived. We had generic Keds-style sneakers from Walmart!

Anyway, I don't like to be all holier-than-thou and "this was good enough for me so it's good enough for you" when it comes to Christmas. I think Christmas is a perfect time to make little dreams come true. If Chapstick is good enough, then "Oh wow, is that the new mango Lipsmacker, do you like it, where did you get it?" is, for a kid, such a nice little thing. Financially deprived kids get 364 days a year of "no, you can't have that." I think they deserve ONE day of "yes, you can have that, even though it's a tiny bit of a luxury."

 

[gracie1]

Well, if you actually had Keds, you couldn't have been all that deprived. We had generic Keds-style sneakers from Walmart!

Anyway, I don't like to be all holier-than-thou and "this was good enough for me so it's good enough for you" when it comes to Christmas. I think Christmas is a perfect time to make little dreams come true. If Chapstick is good enough, then "Oh wow, is that the new mango Lipsmacker, do you like it, where did you get it?" is, for a kid, such a nice little thing. Financially deprived kids get 364 days a year of "no, you can't have that." I think they deserve ONE day of "yes, you can have that, even though it's a tiny bit of a luxury."

I had both keds and generic keds. Keds in my area were under $20 a pair, and could actually be bought at dollar general, where my clothes and all came from. And keds were definately not the 'in' thing

 

[luvmy3]

That's more like what I would do for my own child - with maybe one name brand item thrown in - so I could afford to give to another child who may not have a chance in the world (other than this Wish List) of having anything that would make them feel a little special - or feel as though they "fit in" at school..

I know the whole "fitting in" thing is crazy - but it's very, very real - and it's very, very hurtful for the kids who don't.. Other kids can be extremely cruel.. I wish we could change that, but society has pretty much created this monster of everything needing to be "brand name" - right down to lip gloss or chap sticks.. I mean how pathetic is that? Even adults buy into it - with the items they want for themselves.. They have choices though: jobs; running up CC debt; etc; to obtain whatever they want, no matter the cost.. Children don't have those choices..

But again - these are just my thoughts and opinions - and I do understand that others may feel differently.. The OP isn't comfortable with the family she was given, so I think it's best if she return that list and get a different one..

I agree, I think the important thing is that there are people out there who are willing to give, whether its a name brand hoodie or not. If anyone isn't comfortable giving certain types of gifts, there will always be someone else asking for more practical items, to help. In fact, I have seen a recent trend in senior trees, where seniors ask for needed items. I think everyone's heart is in the same place even if their wallets aren't.

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Frankly, as to the question the OP asked, I'd ask for another family. Mom should spend less time with her butt staying at home and more time finding something else to do besides popping out babies. It irritates me that adults weasel their way into something that's supposed to be about making Christmas for the kids to begin with, the stupid blurb just sends me over the top.

 

[golfgal]

Key word: asking.. Not necessarily expecting it - but if people don't ask (and that applies to any kind of situation) they don't "get".. If whoever has chosen that family can't afford the requests, they can choose a different family.. The next person to end up with the list that was unaffordable for the first person may very well have plenty of money to purchase exactly what was requested.. I'm pretty sure it's not only "average-income families" that are involved in this type of charity - and especially at Christmas time.. There are even families who choose not to exchange gifts within their own immediate families and do something like this instead - to teach their children how to be charitable.. (I think I've even read posts of that nature on the BB during the many years I've been a member of the DIS..) So maybe the OP should return that list and get another.. The next person may very well have no problem with that particular "Wish List"..

The point with the hoodie (and again, this is only me) is that before I would do $50 my child vs. $2.99 child in need, (if my funds were limited) I would do $25 on each..

Sure, but think about it, that list will get passed down and passed down and passed down and the kids end up with nothing because this family is asking for more expensive gifts then most people give their own children.

 

[Coconut36]

I agree, I think the important thing is that there are people out there who are willing to give, whether its a name brand hoodie or not. If anyone isn't comfortable giving certain types of gifts, there will always be someone else asking for more practical items, to help. In fact, I have seen a recent trend in senior trees, where seniors ask for needed items. I think everyone's heart is in the same place even if their wallets aren't.

If someone isn't comfortable buying the name brand hoodie they can also simply purchase a hoodie that fits their budget. I think it is great to be able to bring them a little magic and a little something that is unattainable to them normally but I would hate to see them passed over and receiving nothing at all because people can't see past a brand name that they asked for.

 

[NotUrsula]

I guess in my case a "gaming" red flag would be if I saw a family asking for games for 3 different market-current game systems: that to me simply screams intent to re-sell them. If the systems specified are really old ones, then the flag isn't there for me: they almost surely got them as hand-me-downs or from someplace like the Goodwill because it is no longer possible to buy new games for them. Video games are often the major source of entertainment for younger kids who live in dangerous neighborhoods; their parents tend not to allow them to play outside because of the possibility of getting in the middle of gang violence.

$200-300 per child isn't a realistic figure to me; are you sure that it wasn't a typo, and that was the amount for the family? I don't spend that much on my own children, so no, I wouldn't be able to spend it for a charity donation. Maybe someone who routinely spent $400/child on their own kids might be able to afford that amount, but I don't know too many people who could, and DH & I are both degreed professionals.

As for free daycare for a large family, that's rare. More often it is subsidized. My DD used to go to a Kindercare that had a lot of subsidized kids; we paid $250/week, they usually paid ~$100, with the state reimbursing the balance. Honestly, there is almost no situation that would make paying care for that many kids in one family workable; the odds are that just about every week someone would end up sick, and Mom would lose her job if she didn't come in. Subsidy programs tend to be more useful for folks who have no more than 4 kids.

Generally when it comes to programs like this I try not to judge, and I like to try to give charity kids things that I think they are likely to realistically be able to get some use out of. Generally that lets out major "in" brands, because they get stolen. Having the cool stuff may be nice for fitting in, but having someone put a gun in your face because they want your shoes kind of ruins the joy. (I live in an urban area, and that kind of crime is rampant in neighborhoods here.) Now the "right" brand of lip gloss? Sure, that's a cheap luxury that it easy for someone like me to give, but the North Face jacket probably isn't the best idea.

I think that what most of us like to think is that parents who oversee these lists would put basics on them in the hopes that the little money that they might have to spend on gifts could be used for that one "splash" present; not that they would expect strangers to buy the splash. I grew up poor, too, and I know that had such programs existed then my own parents would never have abdicated the privilege of giving the "good" gift. My Dad did work for a lot of wealthy people, and many of them remembered us at Christmas; in my world the kinds of gifts you get from people who want to do something nice for you but who are not family are knick-knack type things -- good candy, cosmetics, a cool scarf; but not the-best-present-ever. Most parents who are poor want a present like that to come only from them. (FTR, my parents gave each of us 2 gifts each Christmas, one practical thing like a coat or new shoes, and one fun thing, like a bike or a toy. Any other fun things that we got came from extended family.)

 

[arminnie]

This thread makes me so sad especially since the gospel reading for today is the corporal works of mercy (feed the hungry, clothe the naked, etc).

With video games and designer clothing?

I agree with the poster said to give what you can with a kind and charitable heart. But if for ANY reason this is not happening then don't give. I personally give a lot - but I despise being asked for things. The surest way for a friend, family member or stranger to turn me off is to ask for stuff. If I know of a need and am not stepping up to help - then that is my choice. Don't try to manipulate me into doing something that I am not volunteering to do.

My sister is very poor. She's had terrible health problems too. But a few years ago she really wanted to help a family and made some real sacrifices to make this happen. She has such a good heart. I helped her deliver the stuff in the middle of a horrible ice storm. The family's life style was way above my sister's. I was pretty disgusted at how much she had given when she had so much less than they did. She and I never discussed this as I was not going to criticize her generosity - but she hasn't done it since.

 

[BellePrincessBelle]

Yes, absolutely. When I was a teenager, being able to pull a Lip Smacker out of your pocket instead of generic brand made you feel like you fit in with everyone else. It doesn't mean other kids are going to mock your no name lip gloss, but it does mean that you can have one small thing that everyone else has.

Well my kid must feel like a loser pulling out her Target lip balm!Sorry but people do not need brand names & if I won't buy it for my own kid I'm not buying it for anyone else's. FTR I donate to Toys for Tots every year. One year I did so well at a clearance sale that the fireman at the drop off site couldn't believe it. I had a car loaded with dolls(corolle) and match box & hot wheels sets. I spent less than $200 total.

 

[counteroffer]

Sorry - I have been taking time to think about all of this and reading the responses.

We got the actual gift requests in today and as I was reading through them, I decided I am going to get in contact with my sons school and see if they have a family in need.

The things they are asking for are, Nike Shoes, Xbox 360 games, PS3 games, Holister hoddies, victorias secret flannel pj's, leapfrog learning toys kids sized table and chairs.....Mom wanted earings and a necklace as well as a pizza maker (apparently cooking in your oven like everyone else is not good enough), bath and body wash, a DVD player and movies.

To me it just really seemed like a gift grab, and an expensive one at that.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I'd get in contact with the charity running this to figure out what the heck is going on.

 

[counteroffer]

I'd get in contact with the charity running this to figure out what the heck is going on.

I am not running it for my office, so I will just look elsewhere. But I know that many in the office are not to keen on it.