Really torn on adopt a family

[pixiefairy]

OP, it would have raised a red flag for me too. I give every year to something. I change it up and try out different charities. Last year it was through my kid's school, so I donated to that. I'm always wary, because I've seen people first hand take advantage and not truly NEED the help.

At an old office job, our receptionist flat out told me she registered at one of the charities to give to kids with low income families. She had a full time job, had a house, got child support and was pretty well off. She told me I should apply too..that her kids got tons of things and very expensive items to boot. It disgusted me. And made me extremely jaded when it came to charities. Last year, at the store I worked at, we had stuffed bears. We gave customers the option to purchase them for $5 with a certain dollar amount purchase and gave them the option to donate them to a few local charities. We attached a gift receipt and with "donation" written across the top. A few days after Christmas, a man came in with one of the bears, trying to return it for cash. I told him we don't return donations, first off and secondly, it wouldn't have been for cash, anyway. He left and I'm sure tried to take it to another location. Another lady did the same thing. Both came from a service a friend works for and she was absolutely appalled. The determination was made that if the store did the donations this year, that all recognizable tags be removed prior so that no one could try to scam the system. These bears were given to kids who wouldn't otherwise get presents and it was really disheartening. So yes, people do scam the systems, and it stinks because lots of us WANT to donate, to make Christmas a good one for a kid or family who has nothing, and to me, that is just sad. If your gut says something is wrong, find somewhere else to give if you still want to.

 

[Jeafl]

Sorry - I have been taking time to think about all of this and reading the responses.

We got the actual gift requests in today and as I was reading through them, I decided I am going to get in contact with my sons school and see if they have a family in need.The things they are asking for are, Nike Shoes, Xbox 360 games, PS3 games, Holister hoddies, victorias secret flannel pj's, leapfrog learning toys kids sized table and chairs.....Mom wanted earings and a necklace as well as a pizza maker (apparently cooking in your oven like everyone else is not good enough), bath and body wash, a DVD player and movies.

To me it just really seemed like a gift grab, and an expensive one at that.

Please do! We are not a low-income area, but at the school where I teach there are some families who are living in shelters, or have fallen on very hard times due to job loss. It is extremely gratifying to see the students come to school in their new clothes and being able to talk about their new toys with their classmates.

 

[tlbwriter]

Well my kid must feel like a loser pulling out her Target lip balm!Sorry but people do not need brand names

True. To me, Christmas is about wants, not needs. My daughter doesn't need anything she gets for Christmas. If your wants are seldom if ever met, it's awfully nice to have at least some of them met at Christmas.

 

[DWGal210]

I agree - I'm very wary as well. I honestly don't do these types of things anymore; I spend time researching a charity & then give money throughout the year. It might not be perfect but I know my dollars are going to those that truly need them & I have piece of mind.

OP, it would have raised a red flag for me too. I give every year to something. I change it up and try out different charities. Last year it was through my kid's school, so I donated to that. I'm always wary, because I've seen people first hand take advantage and not truly NEED the help.

At an old office job, our receptionist flat out told me she registered at one of the charities to give to kids with low income families. She had a full time job, had a house, got child support and was pretty well off. She told me I should apply too..that her kids got tons of things and very expensive items to boot. It disgusted me. And made me extremely jaded when it came to charities. Last year, at the store I worked at, we had stuffed bears. We gave customers the option to purchase them for $5 with a certain dollar amount purchase and gave them the option to donate them to a few local charities. We attached a gift receipt and with "donation" written across the top. A few days after Christmas, a man came in with one of the bears, trying to return it for cash. I told him we don't return donations, first off and secondly, it wouldn't have been for cash, anyway. He left and I'm sure tried to take it to another location. Another lady did the same thing. Both came from a service a friend works for and she was absolutely appalled. The determination was made that if the store did the donations this year, that all recognizable tags be removed prior so that no one could try to scam the system. These bears were given to kids who wouldn't otherwise get presents and it was really disheartening. So yes, people do scam the systems, and it stinks because lots of us WANT to donate, to make Christmas a good one for a kid or family who has nothing, and to me, that is just sad. If your gut says something is wrong, find somewhere else to give if you still want to.

 

[ccgirl]

OP...unfortunately the scammers (like it sounds like this family are) give charity a bad name.

I do dress a live doll with the salvation army. They ask for things like winter coat, mittens, hats. Brand names are not specified that I have seen, only sizes. I usually throw in some bigger size clothing so they can grow into them along with toys that were not asked for. Another place to look is your local food pantry. Often, they have families in need that they can give toys to as well. Schools really are great. We usually do that as well.

I think you did the right thing.

 

[leebee]

You know, the OP said the kids were asked what they like to do for fun. What kid DOESN'T like to play xbox, wii, whatever? Who says they own them? We don't, but DD has played these things at friend's homes and would have loved one at our house. She always asked for clothes from Abercrombie, Hollister, etc., so she'd fit in, but knew we couldn't afford them... didn't keep them off the Christmas list, though. What kid in their right mind, when faced with a "wish list" for Christmas presents, puts down "underpants from Walmart"? Is there anyplace on the list that says you have to give exactly what is asked for? Lord knows, I never can give my own child "exactly" what's asked for! She gets as close as I can come to the item asked for; sometimes it's from the clearance section, sometimes it's a different brand. For gosh sakes, stop judging this family. They placed their WISHES on a WISH tree. If you can't afford the wish, fine. Get them something else. My guess is that the foods the kids listed aren't the high quality, nutritionally sound kinds of foods but instead are favorite cookies, candies, and cereals. SO WHAT? Didn't YOU ever have poppycock for breakfast on Christmas (it's a tradition in my family!)? It's a child's Christmas wish list. Fulfill it, substitute, or do nothing at all, but jeez, folks, stop speculating and judging.

 

[NotUrsula]

I think that if kids themselves are filling out the lists, then yeah, there are going to be pie-in-the-sky requests on it, but IME the parents fill out the lists based on what the kids have said that they want.

I think that the issue for a lot of people is the spectre of the gifts being taken from the child to be sold for cash. When that happens the "fit in" argument is moot. I've volunteered with charities on pickup day, and when you overhear comments like, "I can't get **** for this stuff." then it can be pretty disheartening.

 

[ccgirl]

You know, the OP said the kids were asked what they like to do for fun. What kid DOESN'T like to play xbox, wii, whatever? Who says they own them? We don't, but DD has played these things at friend's homes and would have loved one at our house. She always asked for clothes from Abercrombie, Hollister, etc., so she'd fit in, but knew we couldn't afford them... didn't keep them off the Christmas list, though. What kid in their right mind, when faced with a "wish list" for Christmas presents, puts down "underpants from Walmart"? Is there anyplace on the list that says you have to give exactly what is asked for? Lord knows, I never can give my own child "exactly" what's asked for! She gets as close as I can come to the item asked for; sometimes it's from the clearance section, sometimes it's a different brand. For gosh sakes, stop judging this family. They placed their WISHES on a WISH tree. If you can't afford the wish, fine. Get them something else. My guess is that the foods the kids listed aren't the high quality, nutritionally sound kinds of foods but instead are favorite cookies, candies, and cereals. SO WHAT? Didn't YOU ever have poppycock for breakfast on Christmas (it's a tradition in my family!)? It's a child's Christmas wish list. Fulfill it, substitute, or do nothing at all, but jeez, folks, stop speculating and judging.

Considering they are asking for the games for XBox and PS I would tend to think they had the systems. A lot of people are saying to give what you can but others are saying if you can't afford to give what they want don't bother to give at all. I don't remember reading anything about food. Maybe I just missed that part? As for brands, my DD has never asked for a certain brand of anything. Just not important in our family. I think some people think, me included, maybe one should ask for simpler things as well instead of all high dollar amounts. I have worked with this charities before and have delivered the gifts. We don't ask for any proof that someone qualifies financially. Unfortunately, I just saw too many scammers and just got disheartened and stopped.

 

[golfgal]

I think that if kids themselves are filling out the lists, then yeah, there are going to be pie-in-the-sky requests on it, but IME the parents fill out the lists based on what the kids have said that they want.

I think that the issue for a lot of people is the spectre of the gifts being taken from the child to be sold for cash. When that happens the "fit in" argument is moot. I've volunteered with charities on pickup day, and when you overhear comments like, "I can't get **** for this stuff." then it can be pretty disheartening.

Unfortunately this is very true....

 

[tlbwriter]

I think that the issue for a lot of people is the spectre of the gifts being taken from the child to be sold for cash. When that happens the "fit in" argument is moot. I've volunteered with charities on pickup day, and when you overhear comments like, "I can't get **** for this stuff." then it can be pretty disheartening.

Yes, that would probably turn me off from giving.

 

[Grumpy's Gal]

I decided I am going to get in contact with my sons school and see if they have a family in need.

That sounds great! A young lady we know recently started her first teaching job in a very poor area. I talked to her a few weeks ago and she said one of her little guys showed up the first really cold day without shoes! All he has was flip flops. So I am sure schools would be thrilled to hear from you -- who knows what basics kids may need (like shoes or hats or mittens etc.)

I think contacting a school is fabulous!!

 

[C.Ann]

You know, the OP said the kids were asked what they like to do for fun. What kid DOESN'T like to play xbox, wii, whatever? Who says they own them? We don't, but DD has played these things at friend's homes and would have loved one at our house. She always asked for clothes from Abercrombie, Hollister, etc., so she'd fit in, but knew we couldn't afford them... didn't keep them off the Christmas list, though. What kid in their right mind, when faced with a "wish list" for Christmas presents, puts down "underpants from Walmart"? Is there anyplace on the list that says you have to give exactly what is asked for? Lord knows, I never can give my own child "exactly" what's asked for! She gets as close as I can come to the item asked for; sometimes it's from the clearance section, sometimes it's a different brand. For gosh sakes, stop judging this family. They placed their WISHES on a WISH tree. If you can't afford the wish, fine. Get them something else. My guess is that the foods the kids listed aren't the high quality, nutritionally sound kinds of foods but instead are favorite cookies, candies, and cereals. SO WHAT? Didn't YOU ever have poppycock for breakfast on Christmas (it's a tradition in my family!)? It's a child's Christmas wish list. Fulfill it, substitute, or do nothing at all, but jeez, folks, stop speculating and judging.

Below is from the OP's initial post:

The charity sends the family members names, as well as a little blub about each one so we can get to know them a little. This year here is a bit about the family we got

All the write ups on the kids list all the foods they love to eat as well as what they like to do for fun. Most of them list computer, Xbox, Wii and PS2 games. Clealy they have one or all of these items in their home.

The assumption that the kids have these systems was made by the OP.. The actual list was the foods the kids like to eat as well as what they like to do for fun. As a previous poster said, they may have played with them elsewhere - at a friend or relatives home - as they are fairly common items for people to have these days..

I don't remember reading anything about food. Maybe I just missed that part?

The food was listed in the OP's initial post.. It's clearly stated in her entire initial post on page one.. "all the foods they love to eat as well as what they like to do for fun"..

 

[counteroffer]

Below is from the OP's initial post:



The assumption that the kids have these systems was made by the OP.. The actual list was the foods the kids like to eat as well as what they like to do for fun. As a previous poster said, they may have played with them elsewhere - at a friend or relatives home - as they are fairly common items for people to have these days..



The food was listed in the OP's initial post.. It's clearly stated in her entire initial post on page one.. "all the foods they love to eat as well as what they like to do for fun"..

Did you read the post where I listed some of the things they asked for? The are specifically asking for Xbox 360 and PS3 games. Why would they ask for games for a system they don't have?

 

[C.Ann]

Did you read the post where I listed some of the things they asked for? The are specifically asking for Xbox 360 and PS3 games. Why would they ask for games for a system they don't have?

Yes - I did.. But neither one of us know if maybe a relative is buying them something to play the games on - if they already had one from when times were better - if someone gave them one when they upgraded to something else - or someone has said, "When we get our new________, we'll give you the old one" - or whatever..

But the bottom line is if you don't feel comfortable giving to that family, you have the option of choosing another - right? I realize that you (and plenty of other folks) might not be able to fill those requests - times are tough - but I'm guessing that people who have more than you (or I) do might very well be able to handle that list and not feel the financial pinch that we might.. So just turn it back in and help another family.. Then it's all good.. You still get to help a family out and that's what your goal is - right?

 

[Polyluvr]

You know, the OP said the kids were asked what they like to do for fun. What kid DOESN'T like to play xbox, wii, whatever? Who says they own them? We don't, but DD has played these things at friend's homes and would have loved one at our house. She always asked for clothes from Abercrombie, Hollister, etc., so she'd fit in, but knew we couldn't afford them... didn't keep them off the Christmas list, though. What kid in their right mind, when faced with a "wish list" for Christmas presents, puts down "underpants from Walmart"? Is there anyplace on the list that says you have to give exactly what is asked for? Lord knows, I never can give my own child "exactly" what's asked for! She gets as close as I can come to the item asked for; sometimes it's from the clearance section, sometimes it's a different brand. For gosh sakes, stop judging this family. They placed their WISHES on a WISH tree. If you can't afford the wish, fine. Get them something else. My guess is that the foods the kids listed aren't the high quality, nutritionally sound kinds of foods but instead are favorite cookies, candies, and cereals. SO WHAT? Didn't YOU ever have poppycock for breakfast on Christmas (it's a tradition in my family!)? It's a child's Christmas wish list. Fulfill it, substitute, or do nothing at all, but jeez, folks, stop speculating and judging.

I hope noone on these boards ever finds themselves in the stuation of having to ask strangers for gifts~ if you can afford some things on their wishlist~Great!
If it bothers you than don't donate.

I am saddened and blatantly shocked by some of the comments I have read; seriously saddened and sickened

 

[Polyluvr]

Did you read the post where I listed some of the things they asked for? The are specifically asking for Xbox 360 and PS3 games. Why would they ask for games for a system they don't have?

Maybe to take to a friends house to play it~ the point is we don't know.

 

[badblackpug]

Did you read the post where I listed some of the things they asked for? The are specifically asking for Xbox 360 and PS3 games. Why would they ask for games for a system they don't have?

You don't know under what circumstances they got these systems. This puts me in mind of my sister. She was married and had 2 kids. One day her husband decides to up and leave, clearing out the bank account and taking the car, to go live with his girlfriend, who was pregnant. My sister was working as a nurses aide (not great money) and going to school full time. Her (now ex) husband has never paid one dime in child support. For a while she was just barely scraping up enough money a month to keep my nephew in daycare, pay the rent and utilities, and keep the kids fed. There wasn't extra money for clothes, new shoes, or toys. ...but guess what? The kids had a game systems. They were bought in better times, and she, certainly, wasn't going to sell the kids toys because other people thought that such things were too fancy for her. She applied for public aid. They granted her $35 a month in food stamps. Her kids were still kids, they still wanted the things other kids had, or things they saw on the TV that were "cool." My sister was fortunate, she had family to help her. She didn't have to have her life scrutinized by a bunch of strangers because her children had the nerve to act like regular kids.

 

[cornflake]

I'd be put off by the original and the follow-up list. A pizza maker? Seriously?

I'd also just return them to the pile and request another family - and I don't understand why doing that means to some people that you're uncharitable.

I choose which specific charities and causes I want to donate to - I don't just give to any. Same applies here.

I used to do Santa letters, when you could go to the post office and sit around and read through the letters people sent to Santa, and pick any you liked. There were piles and piles I - and everyone else - rejected based on our own criteria. Someone else might want to give to them, someone else might not. Asking doesn't mean you get.

I remember one year seeing a letter from a kid asking for beds, because he and his sibling slept on the floor because there were no beds, I think the grandma got the couch and the mother was on the floor too. I couldn't financially handle that, much as I'd have liked to. While I was there, however, someone took it and was discussing with us (it was very sharey and congenial in the Santa letter room) whether we thought bunk beds or a bigger bed or what sizes or what.

I met a foreign student there once who had very little money but had read about Santa letters and really wanted to participate and give to someone, so was looking for a modest request (a bunch of us were on the lookout for a letter for her) and finally found a kid who just asked Santa for some candy. She was very excited because she could afford candy and was happy to get to make his request come true. Doesn't mean she didn't have charity in her heart because she put back all the letters asking for more expensive items.

Everyone who gives chooses - someone gives to the Red Cross, I like Mercy Corps. It's your money, it's your criteria - they don't meet your criteria, don't feel bad, find someone who does and enjoy giving. Put them back in the pile and maybe they'll meet someone else's.

 

[Coconut36]

I'd also just return them to the pile and request another family - and I don't understand why doing that means to some people that you're uncharitable.

.

To me it is because when you are charitable it is without judgment and speculation on their life and making assumptions regarding what they should or should not be doing or what they are "allowed" to ask for. You do it because you are willing to help not only when they ask for what you personally deem as practical enough or economical enough to be "OK". I don't say "I will donate food but only generic store brands because you should be grateful to get it". That is what this seems like to me.."how dare you ask for something nice..be grateful to get low end/basic items".

As for the big deal over a pizza maker..just checking out Amazon and found them for $22-40. Is that such a huge gift? Maybe Mom was thinking the kids would enjoy having pizza as ordering it often is likely a luxury and she would be able to make it for them. Obviously there are some that run higher than that but there are plenty of different ones under $40.

 

[cornflake]

To me it is because when you are charitable it is without judgment and speculation on their life and making assumptions regarding what they should or should not be doing or what they are "allowed" to ask for. You do it because you are willing to help not only when they ask for what you personally deem as practical enough or economical enough to be "OK". I don't say "I will donate food but only generic store brands because you should be grateful to get it". That is what this seems like to me.."how dare you ask for something nice..be grateful to get low end/basic items".

As for the big deal over a pizza maker..just checking out Amazon and found them for $22-40. Is that such a huge gift? Maybe Mom was thinking the kids would enjoy having pizza as ordering it often is likely a luxury and she would be able to make it for them. Obviously there are some that run higher than that but there are plenty of different ones under $40.

I think we just see it differently, I suppose - sortof.

I am charitable, with judgement. I won't give to a charitable organization I don't think will use the money the way I want it used, or that will support something I don't want to support.

It's also not 'how dare you ask for something nice..be grateful to get low end...' at least from my perspective, at all. I don't think someone without means should just be grateful for any crap. The stuff about the lip chap upthread - that kind of thing, I'd be happy to spend on the Burt's Bees, because it's not much money and I can see a kid wanting the little high-end, "designer" item.

Same as in the other thread about suggestions for gifts for teens for a charity for Christmas, I think stuff like Starbucks or itunes gift cards are a good idea, because though I think Starbucks is wasteful, and don't buy it myself, I get that it's a little luxury and everyone needs those in their lives, maybe especially people without larger luxuries. However, that, like the Burt's Bees, is around $3 or $4 a shot for that little luxury.

When it gets to - what do you do with $100+ - call me judgemental but that's where I get sortof picky if someone is asking for entirely frivolous things, especially an adult and especially, especially when the list seems to contain nothing BUT more frivolous items.

If a kid asks for needed items, some little luxuries, and a big wish or two (and I saw plenty of letters like that), that, to me, is understandable and fine and I don't think the OP would have had a problem with a request of clothes, snacks, maybe some basic stuff - some pretty earrings to wear to work, a nice set of coloured pencils/art stuff - and a pizza maker or a wii or whatever. That reads like I need stuff, I hope maybe, and never know... but, as the OP said, the list just reads like a gift grab and it's offputting. I don't like to give to people I know who do that (dear somewhat related person, if you have been living with your soon-to-be spouse for more than a decade, and moved in together as adults, with jobs, etc., and suddenly decide to get married and register for a passel of brand new, high-end stuff for your house, it looks like a gift grab - buy your own new towels.), I'm not doing it for strangers.

I didn't only give to the kids who asked for nothing for themselves, but for Santa to please bring grandma warm socks because her feet get cold and she has arthritis and her socks are old and too thin (real letter, I answered that one), but if I don't have thousands to spend on giving to strangers, but want to help, sorry, I want to help people who aren't *only* asking for stuff I can't afford for myself, don't own, wouldn't ask for, etc.

You're right about the pizza maker, I've never really looked for one, the only ones I've seen are the high-end ones, it seems. I saw one for like $200 in a chef supply place and that's what I thought of. By themselves, a lot of the things on the list could have perfectly innocuous explanations - all together, reads like a gift grab for people who seem to have no real needs. And yes, I believe Christmas is about wants too, but ... to me, there's a limit and those lists were way over it. Hence, stick them back in the pile, maybe someone with a lot of money will come along and buy it all.