Really torn on adopt a family

[tlbwriter]

OP, I'd feel uncomfortable too.

My office adopts a family every year but instead of going through a social organization, we go through a local vocational school's displaced homemaker program. These are people who are obviously working hard to improve their own lives and their childrens' lives, and it makes a difference to us. The moms (we'd be happy to give to a dad, but they don't tend to be involved in this program) are encouraged to ask for things they need, and it tends to be things like basic cookware, a blanket, or even a bed. We don't mind giving name brand items because we know what a huge thing it is for a preteen or teenager to have, for example, a brand-name hoodie. But we don't go overboard. And yes, the families often own a computer or gaming system - either because they owned it before they hit hard times, or because it was a gift, or just because they managed to get one. That's fine. But, like I said, these are families with a parent who is getting training for a good job, not sitting around "enjoying being a SAHM."

 

[dakcp2001]

If you want to help with a kind and charitable heart, you should do so. If you want to feel all self-righteous and judgmental about helping, you should decline and do something else.

That was uncalled for. I think your post seems a bit self righteous and judgmental.

 

[ctinct]

They did a special about this on our local news several years back in the Boston area. The organizations do not require proof of need or proof that you even have the children you are claiming need gifts. Lots of scamming going on. People claiming they have 4 boys, when they have 1 so they can get 4x the gifts. They showed people with blurred faces saying they return the items to get store credit. They showed people blurred out picking up gifts driving Mercedes and Escalades.

I know not all people are like the bad apples that were shown on this program, but it left a bad taste in my mouth.

With this many red flags, I'd say go with your gut on this one. You have a right to be more than suspicious.

My local Marine Toys for Tots had info on their site that kind of gave me pause. It gave all the particulars about how agencies and single families could apply for toys. How disconcerting that some agency workers have apparently been rude towards volunteers, and that so much documentation is required of parents---I'm guessing they, too, have dealt with a number of scammers in the past.

Also, our local paper had an article about how much food banks are hurting this year, partly because many people, myself included, lost all the contents of their refrigerators twice between tropical storm Irene and the October snow, so people have not been able to give as freely. Anyhow, there are multiple agencies that take names of families who need a Thanksgiving dinner. Families are only supposed to register with one agency. For the first time this year, the lists were computerized, and they found 150 families with more than one application in. Sad.


From the New Haven Toys for Tots site:

December 18, 8:00 am to 5:00 pm – Last day for local organizations to pick up toys. If your organization doesn’t pick up the toys by this date your toys will be distributed to the single families. Ensure that you have proper transportation to carry your toys, any rudness towards the Toys for Tots Volunteers will NOT be tolerated.

December 20, 9:00 am to 2:00 pm – This day is the only day that single families can pick up toys that been already approved for the toys and must bring in proof of paternity, I.e.- Valid Driver's License, SSN card. Parent/Guardian must be have on hand their children's birth certificate, SSN card as well as a document showing proof of residency for the address stated on the application.

 

[kidzmom3]

Another excellent post..

As for requesting specific items, it's no different than a lot of "Wish Lists" children of posters on this board wish for.. Doesn't mean they get them, it's just a "wish"..

I asked for a pony - every year - until I was 13.. I never got it.. It was just a WISH..

I agree. Kids want to fit in. I picked two girls from our adopt a family 13 and 15, the same ages as my own daughters and they wanted the same things my girls wanted. I wanted to try to get that from them So, you can get a lot of things on clearance. I bought 2 Hollister sweaters, 2 tank tops and 2 pants in the clearance section for $70. 2 complete outfits for two girls who just wanted to fit in.

 

[marybet]

My husband's company has done this before. One year there was a 12 year old boy and all he asked for was a football, all the kids asked for very modest toys. I got the boy his football and a remote control car, because I wanted to get him a nice toy. I got things for the other kids too.

I would feel uncomfortable with this family.

I used to work in a doctors office, we had several welfare families. One of the kids had a $50 talking Mickey Mouse, this was 1987. This same woman told us she had sold 300 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies, but she could not get a job? She also would put her kids names on every charity Christmas list, they got more toys then kids with two working parents. So there are a lot of people scamming the system.

I like to help but I don't want to be taken advantage of by people who could help themselves.

 

[honeydiane1953]

My work does an adopt a family every year for Christmas. I always participate and have never had conflicted feelings, until now.

The charity sends the family members names, as well as a little blub about each one so we can get to know them a little. This year here is a bit about the family we got.

1 mom - 9 kids. Yes, 9. One of those kids is 18 and she has a child who is 6. Which means she had him when she was 12. All the write ups on the kids list all the foods they love to eat as well as what they like to do for fun. Most of them list computer, Xbox, Wii and PS2 games. Clealy they have one or all of these items in their home. Then for the mom, it says "name enjoys being a stay ay home mom for her 9 kids and grandson". REALLY? No job AT ALL? There are kids who are old enough to take care of the others so she could go out and get a job.

So I am really conflicted on what to do here. I REALLY do not believe in helping people who do not even attempt to help themselves, which is how I feel about this.

What would you do? Any feelings on it?

This sounds like a hand out family IMO. I would not "help" this family as it seems they do not try to help themselves.

 

[golfgal]

My local Marine Toys for Tots had info on their site that kind of gave me pause. It gave all the particulars about how agencies and single families could apply for toys. How disconcerting that some agency workers have apparently been rude towards volunteers, and that so much documentation is required of parents---I'm guessing they, too, have dealt with a number of scammers in the past.

Also, our local paper had an article about how much food banks are hurting this year, partly because many people, myself included, lost all the contents of their refrigerators twice between tropical storm Irene and the October snow, so people have not been able to give as freely. Anyhow, there are multiple agencies that take names of families who need a Thanksgiving dinner. Families are only supposed to register with one agency. For the first time this year, the lists were computerized, and they found 150 families with more than one application in. Sad.


From the New Haven Toys for Tots site:

December 18, 8:00 am to 5:00 pm – Last day for local organizations to pick up toys. If your organization doesn’t pick up the toys by this date your toys will be distributed to the single families. Ensure that you have proper transportation to carry your toys, any rudness towards the Toys for Tots Volunteers will NOT be tolerated.

December 20, 9:00 am to 2:00 pm – This day is the only day that single families can pick up toys that been already approved for the toys and must bring in proof of paternity, I.e.- Valid Driver's License, SSN card. Parent/Guardian must be have on hand their children's birth certificate, SSN card as well as a document showing proof of residency for the address stated on the application.

I chaired a Toys for Tots type program for many years. We did not require any "proof" that they were in need but they did have to apply for help. We distributed a Christmas meal (turkey and/or ham and all the fixings) as well as toys for kids 18 and under. We had a woman's group that made blankets every year and families got those as well. We did require that they bring in their registration confirmation that was mailed back to them and we had people from social services checking everyone in to verify family size. We as board members would also help with that. Most people were appreciative of our program but you did have a fair number that were not or would try to cheat the system. I had one couple come up, Dad checks in with their children on his form, mom checks in right behind him with the kids as well --sorry, one per household.

We had many volunteers that helped get things into the cars for people and it would just break their hearts when they saw the kids open the gifts right then and there and declare they were "junk" or "stupid" or whatever. The goal of our organization was to provide "extra" gifts, not so much "the" gifts they were getting so they were packaged to hit about $30-35.

I can see why they would institute those rules quite easily.

 

[richmond282]

I say go with your gut. You don't have to justify your opinion to anyone. I always check with the local school principal and/or guidance counselor. They can tell me which kids TRULY have needs and aren't just fishing for a handout.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

I agree the whole situation does not sound kosher and you should not feel bad if you choose not to donate.

 

[luvmy3]

I don't understand why that's a bad thing? A Church, which I'm assuming is Christian, is just practicing what it is supposed to be teaching. Love thy neighbors. I don't think Jesus would object to helping inmates.

Then maybe they should ask Jesus for their Christmas gifts.
Inmates are not in need of anything, they get what they need provided to them by the State of Federal Pen.
I think it is a shame that anyone would allow inmates to request Christmas presents from strangers looking for an opportunity to help those in need.

 

[tasha99]

Then maybe they should ask Jesus for their Christmas gifts.
Inmates are not in need of anything, they get what they need provided to them by the State of Federal Pen.
I think it is a shame that anyone would allow inmates to request Christmas presents from strangers looking for an opportunity to help those in need.

Actually, I think they may be in need of knowing that other people still have the capacity to care for them. I would have no problem with a letter and a small gift like a book or money for the prison commissary.

It's Christmas. I'm not a Christian, but I think spreading a little holiday love, even (maybe especially) to those who have screwed up, could be a good thing.

 

[Planogirl]

We always have an angel tree at work and we got an odd email about it the other day. It basically said that most of the families have several kids and that the organization would be working to ensure that all of the kids receive roughly equal amounts. Nothing wrong with that but then it said to expect to spend $200-$300 per child. I find that to be a bit jaw dropping but kudos to those who can afford it.

 

[JaneBanks]

Actually, I think they may be in need of knowing that other people still have the capacity to care for them. I would have no problem with a letter and a small gift like a book or money for the prison commissary.

It's Christmas. I'm not a Christian, but I think spreading a little holiday love, even (maybe especially) to those who have screwed up, could be a good thing.

Thank you. You've explained it perfectly.

 

[luvmy3]

Actually, I think they may be in need of knowing that other people still have the capacity to care for them. I would have no problem with a letter and a small gift like a book or money for the prison commissary.

It's Christmas. I'm not a Christian, but I think spreading a little holiday love, even (maybe especially) to those who have screwed up, could be a good thing.

Well I for one would rather help a family with kids who actually needs the help, and show them that there is someone who cares from them, then sending a gift to a convict. Of course I don't believe people in prison just screwed up, they decided to do something illegal. I don't feel any compassion for someone who makes a decision to turn to crime, even at Christmas.
If I saw a tree with those types of requests, it would be the last time I looked at that organization's tree. There are plenty other's out there that I think are more deserving. Obviously YMMV.

 

[CurlyGirl]

I think the point is this family has 3 game systems where many working families can't afford ONE system, let alone the games that go with them.

A. You don't know how they got these systems. Why judge them because they own them.
B. Maybe these kids have been happy to make due with one game for each system? Maybe that's all they have. And maybe they're old games.
C. Maybe this is the only "toy" they have.

Again, people can ask for whatever they want but it doesn't mean they'll get it. Shoot for the moon and be happy if you only land among the stars, eh?

 

[badblackpug]

I'm not Christian, but I will say that I thought that the helping others was supposed to be part of Christian charity. As many have said, you have no idea what landed this family in this situation. Maybe this family was doing okay and the father died, or ran off. Maybe mom has never been anything but a stay at home and has no skills, or work experience. It is very likely the 18 year old is still in school, and not available to babysit. ...and you never know what the situation was behind the daughter having a child at age 12, but I can bet you that it wasn't a good one.

Even though I am not Christian I give to these organizations every year. I don't judge others situations by what is listed on a wish list. As others have said, kids just want to fit in. Doesn't anyone remember what it was like to be a kid and want to fit in with the other kids? I consider myself fortunate that we can afford to give our kids most of the things they want, so if I can make someone else's day a little brighter then I will. I try not to read into things or stand in judgement of others.

I say give and give with a happy heart. If you can't do that or if this family doesn't meet your your requirements for kindness, bow out of the charity altogether. Requesting another family seems just terrible to me.

"What actions are most excellent? To gladden the heart of human beings, to feed the hungry, to help the afflicted, to lighten the sorrow of the sorrowful, and to remove the sufferings of the injured."

 

[golfgal]

We always have an angel tree at work and we got an odd email about it the other day. It basically said that most of the families have several kids and that the organization would be working to ensure that all of the kids receive roughly equal amounts. Nothing wrong with that but then it said to expect to spend $200-$300 per child. I find that to be a bit jaw dropping but kudos to those who can afford it.

I don't spend that much on my OWN kids

A. You don't know how they got these systems. Why judge them because they own them.
B. Maybe these kids have been happy to make due with one game for each system? Maybe that's all they have. And maybe they're old games.
C. Maybe this is the only "toy" they have.

Again, people can ask for whatever they want but it doesn't mean they'll get it. Shoot for the moon and be happy if you only land among the stars, eh?

Sure, they can ask for what ever they want but to ask that from complete strangers is WAY over the top. In my experience, those that are down on their luck having been able to provide for themselves either DON'T sign up for these programs or if they do they ask for simple things, not $100's of dollars worth of video games. We already know it isn't the "only" toy they have since they have 3 game systems and a computer. It has also been my experience that families like this are getting gifts from this program and 12 others. No where in the Bible does it state that you have to support people that steal from other's generosity.

 

[CurlyGirl]

Sure, they can ask for what ever they want but to ask that from complete strangers is WAY over the top. In my experience, those that are down on their luck having been able to provide for themselves either DON'T sign up for these programs or if they do they ask for simple things, not $100's of dollars worth of video games. We already know it isn't the "only" toy they have since they have 3 game systems and a computer. It has also been my experience that families like this are getting gifts from this program and 12 others. No where in the Bible does it state that you have to support people that steal from other's generosity.

If businesses are taking on these big families and giving them one big gift (a gaming system) for the entire family ... as opposed to smaller gifts for each person in the family ... then they choose to do that. And, if the family keeps getting these big gifts, they're going to continue to ask for them.

The organizations should nip the asking for video games/gaming systems/computer games in the bud. They should tell these folks they can ask for clothing items and small, age-appropriate toys or books. That asking for anything "big ticket" (like game systems or video games) are not allowed. Then, should a company decide to buy a game system or video games for a family will be entirely up to them.

Again, give what you want to give. Just because someone asks for it doesn't mean that you have to give it!!

As for "nowhere in the Bible does it say you have to support people that steal from others generosity" -- that's right. And there's an answer to that ... choose to opt out of the program and don't support them. Don't donate. Or, if you choose to purchase something for the family, buy what YOU want to give them. Easy peasy.

 

[2binak]

I was the poster who mentioned that a family my office "adopted" asked for a game system. This was the "family" gift. Each person in the family (6 kids, 2 parents) asked for many other gifts and they were very specific about the high-end brands that they wanted for each piece of clothing & shoes.

I grew up in low-income housing and there were many times when we were living paycheck to paycheck so I don't begrudge people asking for a little help during the holidays; in fact, I'm one of the first to step up & help because I've been there. I do feel that asking for $300 game systems and high-end brand clothing rather than basic necessities & a few nice basic games for kids is crossing a line from being in-need to being greedy.

 

[Coconut36]

This thread makes me so sad especially since the gospel reading for today is the corporal works of mercy (feed the hungry, clothe the naked, etc). I am amazed at how very judgmental some posters appear. Oh, another corporal work of mercy is to visit those in prison---I bet that sets off a few posters!

OP--if you don't trust the organization screening the family find another. But truly, do any of us know how/why people find themselves in the position of needing help? Not everyone has the mental and physical abilities to get ahead. What is obvious to you may not be to someone with a substandard education and no positive role models.

Same here..our gospel was the same. Really appropriate considering this discussion.

I think people are missing a few key points here. First off..many many times the kids are encouraged to put down whatever their WISHES are. They don't often say "make sure it is under X amount" or that it is only for practical items or learning items. No they tell them to put their wishes out there..it does NOT mean you must buy what is put on the list by any means. Also these are children..do you think they are saying "well gee...socks and underwear are the practical things I need..I will ask for those". No they think "I really wish I had the same Wii game my friend at school has" so they ask for that.

When I donate food or toys or do an Angel Tree child I don't decide what they should or should not be asking for or speculate or assume that other things should be done based on little information. I look at their choices, if they exceed my budget I find something reasonable for their age group within my budget and buy it with a gift receipt. If they have it, they can return it. A wish list is just that..a wish...not a requirement or demand.

I'm Catholic..my faith teaches me to go and do for others..to help them if they need clothing or food or shelter. It doesn't teach me that they have to justify themselves, their needs or their situation before I consider helping them.

Of course people work the system..it happens but should a family in need be discounted based on assumptions and speculation that they shouldn't have things or Mom should be doing something else (and these assumptions being made based on nothing more than the blurb that came with the family information) or should they just get help?