Question for blended families.

[nathalee81]

I guess I should consider myself very lucky. I am part of a blended family, and I think that, while far from perfect, people tried to make me feel like part of the family.
My mom remarried when I was a almost 18, so it was a little different because I was pretty much an adult.
As far as presents and such, it was always pretty fair. At "official" Christmases, we were all given pretty much the same things. Also, when my husband and I got married my step-grandmother gave us a VERY generous gift. I was very thankful for that, as it was not necessary. I don't know if I was very close to my step-grandmother, but I think she DID try and I have to give her a lot of credit for that.
I just wasn't (and to this day) ever entirely comfortable around the family because they are/were very different than my bio family (think big, loud, crazy, touchy feely family, then coming into a very quiet reserved family-it was a culture shock). However, they really did try to make me feel like part of the family.
Now, I have a stepsister who has two kids. I do not consider my stepsisters kids to be my "step" anything. I am their aunt. I adore them. I am not close to my stepsister, but I love those darn kids (and consider it my duty as their aunt to spoil them whenever possible). My mother (her stepmother) feels the same way.

 

[Freyja]

My sister´s SO had 3 children from a previous relationship when they met. They now have one daughter and another child on the way. I always treat his children equal to my sister´s daughter.

 

[luvsJack]

Before they married, both of my sons dated girls with children. If any of those relationships had worked out, I would be a step-grandmother. If my son loves someone, she and any child that is a part of her becomes my family.

My mil feels the same way. My bf's mil felt the same way about her son. In fact, I don't know anyone that has this "step children being treated differently" problem. Maybe I just know people that are different but we just accept loved ones as a part of the family.

My brother has been married 4 times. He has 2 bio-children, 1 adopted son, 2 ex-step-children from one marriage and one ex-step-child from another. We have considered them all family from day one of that marriage. His ex-step children, now grown, stop by for visits all the time. When db was married to a wife with children, their children received a Christmas gift worth a comparable amount to what any of the other children received. Mother opened her heart to each of them. Did she have the same relationship with them as she did his bio-children or my children? No. And during the year she may do things for her bio-grandchildren that she didn't do for them, but nothing as apparent as giving one child a gift that costs $100 more than another when they are all together or at birthdays where it would be so obvious.

For the life of me, I cannot imagine not accepting the children my son loves as a part of my family.


I will agree that CheerMom1's idea of giving the gifts at different times would be a better solution than just continuing the practice that is going on.

 

[cm8]

I have to agree with the majority here that you are not wrong. Of course I am sort of in the same situation. My Boyfriends mother informed him and I over the summer the me and my family do not matter. That includes my DS. Boyfriend and I have a DD together. Now boyfriend doesn't think of DS and DD as different. He also told his mother to treat them the same or we would not be around. Easy to do since we live in Florida and she is in New York. Now his dad and step mom love DS and DD equally. There is no difference in that side of his family. I don't understand MIL since her kids, all three of them, are step children to her husband and she would not have tolerated them being treated differently. But is ok to treat my son differently. Even worse is that DS has Asperger's so he really, really doesn't understand.

I think your problem is not only with your MIL but apparently your husband feels the same way. I would not handle my boyfriend telling me that the kids are different. They aren't. Either you love them or you don't.

That's what It all seems to boil down too

 

[cheermom1]

Before they married, both of my sons dated girls with children. If any of those relationships had worked out, I would be a step-grandmother. If my son loves someone, she and any child that is a part of her becomes my family.

My mil feels the same way. My bf's mil felt the same way about her son. In fact, I don't know anyone that has this "step children being treated differently" problem. Maybe I just know people that are different but we just accept loved ones as a part of the family.

My brother has been married 4 times. He has 2 bio-children, 1 adopted son, 2 ex-step-children from one marriage and one ex-step-child from another. We have considered them all family from day one of that marriage. His ex-step children, now grown, stop by for visits all the time. When db was married to a wife with children, their children received a Christmas gift worth a comparable amount to what any of the other children received. Mother opened her heart to each of them. Did she have the same relationship with them as she did his bio-children or my children? No. And during the year she may do things for her bio-grandchildren that she didn't do for them, but nothing as apparent as giving one child a gift that costs $100 more than another when they are all together or at birthdays where it would be so obvious.

For the life of me, I cannot imagine not accepting the children my son loves as a part of my family.


I will agree that CheerMom1's idea of giving the gifts at different times would be a better solution than just continuing the practice that is going on.

The key here is that it works for YOUR family. Not all families are like that. Sometimes we have to accept some as they are. Sounds like to me that the op's MIL is not going to change and nothing she says or does it going to change that.

See even with my family my step sons can't all me step mom let alone mommy cheermom like some I know. But they call me by my name. WHY? B/c their mom made it very clear to them that they will not like me let alone anything else. She has caused this wedge between me and her kids. I don't mind being called by my name as long as it makes them comfortable and they are not comfortable calling me mommy cheermom or even step mom.

Sometimes we have to take what we get. See in all my years as a step mom I have learned a lot about how some mothers can be to their kids and make their kids think that their dad is nothing and even below them. Yes below their own children. There is this thing called PAS (parental alienation syndrome) it can make life for the SM very very bad. I know someone that her step kids just set her on fire b/c their mom said she was the reason that daddy is no longer living with them. In reality their mom left him for another man! Poor thing is all banged up in the ER. I also know another one that was given a christmas card by her step kids that said "don't be an a@@hole this year" She did nothing but take care of those kids even made sure they had more than her own kids.

Sorry to go off on a rant I just think that step moms are named evil way too soon sometimes and no one ever thinks of them. Being a step mom is harder than being a step kid! Yes I know for a fact it is. At least the kids get gifts. And a disney guilty dads. And everyone says but they are from a divorced home. Really? Didn't know that! But that is what people say to excuse these kids behavior instead of putting the blame where it belongs on the parents for not being parents!

Now I'm not saying that ALL step kids are like this b/c they are not. My step kids aren't, they are really good kids and have to give credit to them for not believing their mom when she told them that dh doesn't love them b/c he doesn;t pay support. He does and he tries but their mom has pulled everything in the book to keep him away from them.

Sorry I went on a rant that had nothing top do with this thread.

 

[momto2girls]

I grew up in a blended family. My step sister's family lavished gifts on her at birthdays and Christmas. I was always given a token gift at Christmas but nothing for birthday. No big deal I was not their grandchild or niece. In a perfect world I guess everyone would be treated equally but we don't live in a perfect world.

My DH and I talked about it the other night and I think I would do the same thing if my children married women with children. They have grandparents, I would only be a step grandparent. So personally I guess I would be biased.

I feel the same way. I also grew up with step-siblings. Their grandparents gave my sister and me token presents while my step-siblings got loads of presents for Christmas and birthdays. I never resented it or expected anything different. They weren't my grandparents. Why would I expect them to treat me like their grandchild?

If I was ever a step-grandparent, I suspect that I would feel the same way. However, I wouldn't want to make anyone feel badly, so I would likely give my grandchildren the bulk of their gifts at a private or discreet time.

 

[snowywhite89]

So you think its ok to make one child sit and watch another child open a big gift while the first child only gets some small token or no gift at all? Really?

Can you read? I never said that.

I would never take any person to another person's home expect them to give a gift that was the same value as the others of the same age. If they want to that is nice but it is not a requirement that they do that. If that child is snubbed at your parents then I would not take them with me to be hurt.

If the step-grandparents did not want to spend the money I would try to offer them a gift to give.

Nobody should ever feel pressured into giving a gift to anybody. That is not a gift.

I see nothing wrong with giving the bio-grandkids a $100 GC and the step-grandkids a $25 CG. Both got a gift and get to use it like they want. If that is not acceptable to you then don't accept any gifts for any of the kids.

I am a member of my in-laws family 100% of the time, as are my sons. Any inheriatance will be left to dh by his family or to me by my family. Why would my in-laws leave anything to me?

Many grandparents leave their grandkids an inheritance in the will. I know many that have. When they do I have never seen a step get anything. So they are not really 100% a part of the family. The steps get from other grandparents.

And "only" a member of the family? Where does the "only" come from? I am a member of dh's family just as all of his sisters-in-law are and dh is a part of my family just as my bil is. I do not expect to be treated completly equal with dh's sister by their mom that but I do expect to be treated like a part of the family and dh expects it also.

You are having a problem with reading again. This in not what I said.

Children who come into a family by marriage should be treated like a part of the family. Somebody loved these children and thier parent enough to make them his/her family and they should be treated as such by the rest of that person's family. Period. Its just the right thing to do.

This is only true for a new step-parent. It is the best way but cannot be forced on anybody else.

Inheritance is a completly different thing. And is usually left to the children anyway.

See above.


----


Tinker - I do not think your parents were evil. I can see why they did it. I see nothing wrong with what they did.

Paula - Good post

Goofy! - I agree with you. She buys her girls more and that is OK but when her girls get less that is wrong.

 

[luvsJack]

Can you read? I never said that.

I would never take any person to another person's home expect them to give a gift that was the same value as the others of the same age. If they want to that is nice but it is not a requirement that they do that. If that child is snubbed at your parents then I would not take them with me to be hurt.

If the step-grandparents did not want to spend the money I would try to offer them a gift to give.

Nobody should ever feel pressured into giving a gift to anybody. That is not a gift.

I see nothing wrong with giving the bio-grandkids a $100 GC and the step-grandkids a $25 CG. Both got a gift and get to use it like they want. If that is not acceptable to you then don't accept any gifts for any of the kids.




Many grandparents leave their grandkids an inheritance in the will. I know many that have. When they do I have never seen a step get anything. So they are not really 100% a part of the family. The steps get from other grandparents.



You are having a problem with reading again. This in not what I said.




This is only true for a new step-parent. It is the best way but cannot be forced on anybody else.



See above.


----


Tinker - I do not think your parents were evil. I can see why they did it. I see nothing wrong with what they did.

Paula - Good post

Goofy! - I agree with you. She buys her girls more and that is OK but when her girls get less that is wrong.

Excuse me? What exactly is your problem? I read very well, thank you. Maybe its your writing that is the problem?

In our families, step-children and step-grandchildren are in fact 100% a part of any family. Period. If you are incapable of accepting children into your family, that is most definitly YOUR problem.

None of this is about inheritance. You seem to have an issue with that. Maybe you need to stop worrying about what you will or will not inheriate someday My hope is that my mom spends her last days cruising the world and doesn't leave one thin dime to anyone. Same for my inlaws.

Loving a child is only true for a new step parent? Sorry, if a mom or dad marries someone that does not love their children; someone has more problems than Christmas gifts.

And the RIGHT thing for the person's family to do is to welcome the children into the family just as they do the spouse of their child. No everyone doesn't do what is right and no it cannot be forced but it is still the RIGHT THING. Or does your family not welcome spouses either?

BTW, it should not be acceptable to hand two children from the same family two gifts of such a difference in value. Like CheerMom1 suggested, if it has to be that way it should be done seperately.

 

[snowywhite89]

Excuse me? What exactly is your problem? I read very well, thank you. Maybe its your writing that is the problem?

In our families, step-children and step-grandchildren are in fact 100% a part of any family. Period. If you are incapable of accepting children into your family, that is most definitly YOUR problem.

None of this is about inheritance. You seem to have an issue with that. Maybe you need to stop worrying about what you will or will not inheriate someday My hope is that my mom spends her last days cruising the world and doesn't leave one thin dime to anyone. Same for my inlaws.

Loving a child is only true for a new step parent? Sorry, if a mom or dad marries someone that does not love their children; someone has more problems than Christmas gifts.

And the RIGHT thing for the person's family to do is to welcome the children into the family just as they do the spouse of their child. No everyone doesn't do what is right and no it cannot be forced but it is still the RIGHT THING. Or does your family not welcome spouses either?

BTW, it should not be acceptable to hand two children from the same family two gifts of such a difference in value. Like CheerMom1 suggested, if it has to be that way it should be done seperately.

Spell check is your friend.

It would be the RIGHT THING to never have to have a blended family with the exception of a death of a spouse.

Divorce is not doing the RIGHT THING. Picking a jerk for a DH or father of your kid(s) is not doing the RIGHT THING. Having kids with any man is not doing the RIGHT THING.

I already said I am cordial to the blended extended family. I do not give the kids gifts, since they are cousin's kids and we don't exchange with them.

 

[Freyja]

Spell check is your friend.

It would be the RIGHT THING to never have to have a blended family with the exception of a death of a spouse.

Divorce is not doing the RIGHT THING. Picking a jerk for a DH or father of your kid(s) is not doing the RIGHT THING. Having kids with any man is not doing the RIGHT THING.

I already said I am cordial to the blended extended family. I do not give the kids gifts, since they are cousin's kids and we don't exchange with them.

 

[luvsJack]

Spell check is your friend.

It would be the RIGHT THING to never have to have a blended family with the exception of a death of a spouse.

Divorce is not doing the RIGHT THING. Picking a jerk for a DH or father of your kid(s) is not doing the RIGHT THING. Having kids with any man is not doing the RIGHT THING.

I already said I am cordial to the blended extended family. I do not give the kids gifts, since they are cousin's kids and we don't exchange with them.

What on God's green earth are you talking about?

I really do not need a morality lesson from some stranger on the internet; thank you very much.

Divorce CAN be very much the right thing to do in some situations. I don't really think anyone ever set out thinking "let's see if I can pick a JERK to marry"; I am pretty sure that most women think they are picking a good guy. And all ex-husband's aren't jerks.

"Having kids with any man is not doing the RIGHT THING" So who should one have them with? I am going out on a limb here and assume that you mean "having kids with just any man" as in getting pregnant by just whoever comes along. Well, I didn't do that and I don't have any reason the OP did that.

And besides NONE of those things would be the fault of a child.

 

[rie'smom]

I think when children are young, treating them differently is unacceptable. Children do not ask to be a part of divorce/remarriage. They are simply children.

Kudos to those who treat everyone equally.

Can you read? I never said that.

I would never take any person to another person's home expect them to give a gift that was the same value as the others of the same age. If they want to that is nice but it is not a requirement that they do that. If that child is snubbed at your parents then I would not take them with me to be hurt.

If the step-grandparents did not want to spend the money I would try to offer them a gift to give.

Nobody should ever feel pressured into giving a gift to anybody. That is not a gift.

I see nothing wrong with giving the bio-grandkids a $100 GC and the step-grandkids a $25 CG. Both got a gift and get to use it like they want. If that is not acceptable to you then don't accept any gifts for any of the kids.




Many grandparents leave their grandkids an inheritance in the will. I know many that have. When they do I have never seen a step get anything. So they are not really 100% a part of the family. The steps get from other grandparents.

h what they did.

Paula - Good post

Goofy! - I agree with you. She buys her girls more and that is OK but when her girls get less that is wrong.

All I can say is thank goodness my in laws didn't have this attitude towards my son. They treated him beautifully. My husband and I have also adopted a daughter and she's been treated well too. Both have been left equal shares to their cousins in my FIL's will. They were looked on as his grandchildren not as his step or adopted grandchildren. It makes me more grateful than ever to have been blessed with them. If I am ever in my in law's position and my children end up with partners who have kids, I will follow their example.
We love all of our children equally and do not have a "yours, mine and ours mindset."

 

[snowywhite89]

I really do not need a morality lesson from some stranger on the internet; thank you very much.

Then stop posting your morality lessons to others.

All I can say is thank goodness my in laws didn't have this attitude towards my son. They treated him beautifully. My husband and I have also adopted a daughter and she's been treated well too. Both have been left equal shares to their cousins in my FIL's will. They were looked on as his grandchildren not as his step or adopted grandchildren. It makes me more grateful than ever to have been blessed with them. If I am ever in my in law's position and my children end up with partners who have kids, I will follow their example.
We love all of our children equally and do not have a "yours, mine and ours mindset."

Finally somebody who understands that being a 100% member of a family extends to inheritance too.

I agree with you. None of the ones I know included the step. I even know one family that excluded an adopted child. It really hurt him when the grandfather died and he was not included. He was adopted at birth.

 

[quentina]

My husband and I have been married for a year and half. My question is when you marry into a family does your new in-laws shop and and give gifts the same as they do for the biological grandchildren? My issue is my mother in-law makes huge difference between my girls and my husbands boys. I assumed when we married that we (my girls and I were family as well). I don't care that she does not spend much on me but its hard watching her give very minor gifts to my girls and no birthday gifts when she gives gifts and large sums of money to my step children. Please be honest. My husband said he would be all right if my family did that but I don't think he would. Is my husband right am I over reacting?

I would not deal with this at all.....2 of my kids are adopted from foster care in addition, they are mixed race. I am telling you this because my MIL is borderline racist. I told her that all 3 kids will be treated the same or she will not be welcome here, period.

Now, it has not always been good.....too be honest, I really am not a fan of hers however; I feel like she tries to be fair. My oldest (bio) get anything he wants, my middle (girl) gets special treatment because she is a girl.....its my little guy that gets shafted. I just remind her (nicely of course of the expectations and she comes back around. The good news is, after 4 years....I think she is getting past the race issue.

 

[Disney Doll]

I guess I still don't understand why someone would choose to hurt or single out a child based on the errors or decisions of their parent(s). I agree that children need to learn that life is not fair, but I guess I don't understand why Christmas or their birthday, which should be happy & joyful for them, are the times to teach them that rather difficult life lesson. Seems to me that there would be enough opportunities at other times for a child to learn that.

My husband's 50 year old cousin just died of a terrible neurological disease after 8 months of a continuous decline. He was a devoted and loving father and husband...a true family man. His pain at the realization that his 14 year old twin daughters would grow up without their father was the worst thing I have ever witnessed. I hope that if down the road, their mother is fortunate enough to meet another good man who could make her happy and love her children, that this new man's family would not choose to teach these children the "life is not fair" lesson..believe me when I tell you, losing their own father at the age of 14 has driven that lesson home already, to them and to all of us who loved him.

I guess I am glad that when my brother met his wife 23 years ago that my parents and I treated her son as our own, since he has turned out to be a wonderful 31 year old man who knows he is well-loved. He was also a delighful child. I feel that him knowing he was/is well-loved has contributed to his success...he is kind, generous and loving.

And you know what? I know everyone does not think like me on this issue, but I wish they did.

 

[luvsJack]

Then stop posting your morality lessons to others.

I was only speaking to the treatment of a child not to who someone should be having children with or pick as their spouse.


Finally somebody who understands that being a 100% member of a family extends to inheritance too.

I agree with you. None of the ones I know included the step. I even know one family that excluded an adopted child. It really hurt him when the grandfather died and he was not included. He was adopted at birth.

So if a parent spends all their money and leaves nothing to their children, their children are not really family? Ok, I will tell my mom that since she is expected to enjoy her money and only leave her house to my brother that we are no longer family.

Inheritance doesn't have to have anything to do with how you feel about anyone. What about families that are poor and have nothing to leave to their children? I feel very fortunate that I don't have to base my mother's love off of what she leaves me when she dies.

Treating a child correctly is the right thing to do. Simple as that. If one makes a child in their life feel like less than another child in that person's life, that is wrong. Period. No matter what the circumstances the child did not ask to be in that situation.

I realize that not everyone will treat children the same and some will refuse to treat step children the same as bio-children. Personally, I would have no use for such a family. But, if you sleep well at night-go for it. BTW, your situation with your cousins whom you do not exchange gifts with is very different than a grandparent/granchild type of situation.

 

[rie'smom]

Then stop posting your morality lessons to others.




Finally somebody who understands that being a 100% member of a family extends to inheritance too.

I agree with you. None of the ones I know included the step. I even know one family that excluded an adopted child. It really hurt him when the grandfather died and he was not included. He was adopted at birth.

My son is a step but was treated the same as the other grandkids.

 

[MissElizabeth]

[snipping discussion about the inheritance straw man]
Treating a child correctly is the right thing to do. Simple as that. If one makes a child in their life feel like less than another child in that person's life, that is wrong. Period. No matter what the circumstances the child did not ask to be in that situation.

I realize that not everyone will treat children the same and some will refuse to treat step children the same as bio-children. Personally, I would have no use for such a family. But, if you sleep well at night-go for it. BTW, your situation with your cousins whom you do not exchange gifts with is very different than a grandparent/granchild type of situation.

I think the thing is that there is no "correct" way to negotiate family relationships. Let me give you an example: My girlfriend's step daughter will not speak to her. She hates my friend because her dad left his (drunken, abusive) first wife and she resents that he moved on and found happiness with his second wife. The step daughter did show up for Christmas at my friend's parent's house. Does my friend's family somehow owe the spoiled 20 year old brat a gift of the same value as the gifts given to the other grand children? Personally, I don't think so, the grandparents didn't even know the step daughter was going to show up until she showed up on the door step half drunk and looking for Christmas presents. She treats their daughter like dirt.

It sounds like you've had a very positive and wonderful relationship with blended families in your life- and that's beautiful.

Your language, however, is very absolute. In reality blended families come in such a large variety of circumstances and with such complications, its not always a given that each child can be treated with 100% equality. And, I would say I think a family can welcome and love a stepchild without the gifts being 100% equal.

I can't imagine myself not treating step grandchildren like grandchildren, but I'm also aware that sometimes things just don't work out that well. As I said in an earlier post, I have a good friend who would resent the ever living heck out of her kids step mom's mother wanting to be a 'grandma' to them- in her mind SHE is thier mother and the step mom is nothing more than thier dad's wife. My whole point here is that its easy to throw down gauntlets about what the RIGHT thing to do is in any situation, but realities are far more complex.

OP- just ask your DH's mom if she can give the larger gift to her bio grandchildren privately next time. She'll probably get the hint.

Oh- and one more thing- step children and adopted children are an apples to oranges comparison. An adopted child has only one set of parents- the adopted ones. A step child effectively has two families with varying degrees of involvement in the child's life.

 

[luvsJack]

I think the thing is that there is no "correct" way to negotiate family relationships. Let me give you an example: My girlfriend's step daughter will not speak to her. She hates my friend because her dad left his (drunken, abusive) first wife and she resents that he moved on and found happiness with his second wife. The step daughter did show up for Christmas at my friend's parent's house. Does my friend's family somehow owe the spoiled 20 year old brat a gift of the same value as the gifts given to the other grand children? Personally, I don't think so, the grandparents didn't even know the step daughter was going to show up until she showed up on the door step half drunk and looking for Christmas presents. She treats their daughter like dirt.

It sounds like you've had a very positive and wonderful relationship with blended families in your life- and that's beautiful.

Your language, however, is very absolute. In reality blended families come in such a large variety of circumstances and with such complications, its not always a given that each child can be treated with 100% equality. And, I would say I think a family can welcome and love a stepchild without the gifts being 100% equal.

I can't imagine myself not treating step grandchildren like grandchildren, but I'm also aware that sometimes things just don't work out that well. As I said in an earlier post, I have a good friend who would resent the ever living heck out of her kids step mom's mother wanting to be a 'grandma' to them- in her mind SHE is thier mother and the step mom is nothing more than thier dad's wife. My whole point here is that its easy to throw down gauntlets about what the RIGHT thing to do is in any situation, but realities are far more complex.

OP- just ask your DH's mom if she can give the larger gift to her bio grandchildren privately next time. She'll probably get the hint.

Oh- and one more thing- step children and adopted children are an apples to oranges comparison. An adopted child has only one set of parents- the adopted ones. A step child effectively has two families with varying degrees of involvement in the child's life.

Of course all families are different and relationships are complex. And the same things are not going to be productive in every family.

The 20 year old you speak of is an adult and probably should have been asked to leave the home of the grandparents. She sounds like a very sad person. I am not talking about adults, I am talking about children. And will continue to stand by my statement that children should be treated the same.

Nothing has to be 100% but $100 difference in value is too much. Can you really picture two young children waiting anxiously for their Christmas gifts. Each are handed a box. One opens that beautiful $100 doll that she wanted so bad, the other opens a $10 pair of pajamas. You really believe this is ok? No its not, ok. The difference in the gifts would be enough to make the child feel bad about themselves. I just cannot see how making a child feel bad could ever be right.

I have previously said that giving the children their gifts seperatly may be the only solution as they cannot control the mil. That doesn't mean the mil is not wrong, but it may be the easiest thing to do.

And you know, if one parent resents the step-parent's mother for trying to be a "grandmother", then you don't have to be a grandmother; be a friend or a loving neighbor or whatever but be a meaningful adult in the child's life. Children can never have too much love and acceptance in their lives, no matter what the source is. If one of my children married someone with children, I cannot say what problems there may be with the ex-wife/husband but I can promise that at no time will that child ever walk into my home and not feel like as much a part of my family as my precious little granddaughter is right now. And no gift will ever be given that will make one child not feel just as special and loved as another.

Not sure why you mentioned adopted children, but my brother has an adopted son and his son does have more than one set of parents. His father was not in his life for the first 5 years of life. My brother met and married his mother and adopted him when he was 7. His father came back into his life a couple of years later and after that he visited his bio-father fairly regularly. Now his mother and my brothe are divorced and his mother has remarried. He has a relationship with my brother/his father and my family, his bio-dad and his mom and step-dad. So, in his case it would be more apples to apples comparision. But then his is an unusual case.

 

[dogluva]

My FIL treats his bio grandchildren different from his girlfriend's step-children. He treats them 100% better! They are two boys and their bio father is involved. But for some reason, they are the apple of FIL and girlfriend's eyes while my kids don't even get aknowledged. So for us, it is the opposite, bio kids don't exist and step grandchildren from his girlfriend are treated like royalty. Neither are related to these boys by blood and only she is by marriage. Weird but I really don't care that much (sometimes it bothers me but for the most part I just think of it as their loss).

Honestly, my step father, who I have never thought of as a real father because of my own issues, treats my kids so well. He would die if anyone referred to them as being step-grandchildren. He also has two bio grandchildren from his daughter and they are treated exactly the same as mine. He is a good man. My FIL, not so much.