Question for blended families.

[Carly_Roach]

I have no blended family members so I can't give an educated response to the OP's question. However, in observing all the posts about this question it seems to me the the problem (which is often the base of all our problems in life) is in expectations of other people. OP expected her DH's mother and father to treat her children like they treat their own grandchildren. When they didn't, OP is hurt, anxious and is now impacting her own marriage by expecting her DH to change the situation.

Newsflash: OP's DH has absolutely no control over his parent's behaviors. Never did, never will. Sure, you might get them to compromise and even out the gift costs, but they'll resent it. Eventually they may decide to stop giving gifts at all, which will create anger and resentment on behalf of the blood children toward the step-children.

To give some free advice (which I understand is worth what it costs), I would suggest to the OP and any other blended family to temper their expectations of other people - even grandparents. We have no control over how other people act and it is best to use these situations where it appears that other children are being favored as a teaching moment.

My parents had two sayings for when unfair things happened to us as children:

1). Life isn't fair

and/or

2). That's just the way they are.

IMO, to try to get someone to behave in a way that you think they should behave just because you think they should behave that way is a recipe for disaster and could put unnecessary strain on your marriage. Focus solely on your immediate family and allow that grandparent or other in-law to either come around or not come around.

Teach your children that their well-being isn't predicated on other people treating them "fairly" and you'll be giving them a gift of far greater value than any monetary or physical possession they'd ever get from that relative.

 

[Toot Sweet]

I have a stepdaughter and my family treats her exactly the same as my other daughters.

I don't think you are overreacting. Your husband should have a gentle chat with his mother and let her know how your children feel. If your MIL then continues to treat them differently, I would then drop the subject, unless your children bring it up, in which case I would have a "life is not fair" talk with them.

 

[tinah159]

Speaking from my own experience, I never expected my in-laws to bond with my sons in the same way they bonded with their bio-grandchildren who they had known from birth. I also never expected the same bond between me and my mil that there is between her and her daughter. But, we are all considered part of the family and that is how I believe it should be.

My family is blended and this is exactly how I feel as well.

 

[mjlewis23]

My brother married a woman who had 2 kids from a previous marriage. Those 2 kids live with their father, but my SIL and my brother have a huge part in their lives. They also have one daughter together. My husband and I give gifts of equal value to all of the kids. I never give a second thought because the minute they were married, those kids became my brother's kids too. When people ask me how many kids my brother has, it just is natural for me to say 3. I can't even imagine treating them differently. Unfortunately, some of my not so immediate family does not feel the same and the older two don't get quite so much, which I think is INCREDIBLY sad. OP, I'm sorry your daughters have to go through this, and I really wish your husband could see the difference.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Their fathers family does give them gifts as they can afford, my step-sons get gifts from their moms side. My main issue is that we are talking over a $100.00 diffrance in the gifts. My youngest girl lives with me full time and sees her dad every few months or so. My husband in my opinion is her dad he has been there more in the last 3+ years than her dad. My step-sons see their grand mother about twice a year (they choose to not go with us for most visits where as my dd always goes.) No I don't expect her to love my girls the same way, but children can get their feelings hurt none the less.

So you expect their biological grandparent and their step grandparents to provide presents. Do you do anything for the child of this relationship to counter the fact that you expect the children of the previous relationship to get double presents. If they are getting presents from their grandparents what is the problem?

 

[shortbun]

I think this is a tough issue. Should grandma all of a sudden treat new DIL's kids like the grandchildren she has always had and loved because they now live with her son part time? I'd definitely say yes if the kids were in sole custody or had no contact with the other side of their family. The new children should be welcomed with open arms, perhaps prepped for the difference in real grandchildren's gifts and the non-adopted children of their step father. They have a father and two sets of grandparents already-right? I know I sound cold but grandma and grandpa should not have to change things with their grandchildren because someone else's grandchildren are the step children of their son, especially if those grandparents spend loads of money on their grandchildren. Token gifts might be a bit awful and there is no reason a couple of really nice gifts couldn't be given but to expect lavish gift giving to step-grandchildren who have real grandparents might be expecting too much. Does your husband plan to adopt your children?

I just reread your post that your children don't see their dad or his family very much. I'd missed that one. I agree that a $100 difference is a bit much but I stand by my opinion that grandparents don't need to treat step-children of their children equally to their bio grandchildren unless there is adoption or a long relationship. I think you need to find a way to protect your children from this. Perhaps discuss it with your in-laws, tell them you are not comfortable with your children having this experience and asking them to hold back until private gift giving can occur. I don't think there is any other way you can control this. I also don't think you should expect your husband to alienate his parents about this. Stay calm and work slowly toward a solution.

 

[wvjules]

So you expect their biological grandparent and their step grandparents to provide presents. Do you do anything for the child of this relationship to counter the fact that you expect the children of the previous relationship to get double presents. If they are getting presents from their grandparents what is the problem?

So the kid doesn't feel like an outsider that doesn't belong?

 

[Tinker'n'Fun]

I married my husband when my Step-son was 5. My parent bought him a gift for Christmas and his birthday. Nothing huge or over the top, but definitely in the "nice" category. When my husband and I had children, my parents did buy more for our children. They did not forget my step-son but they had this reasoning:

My step-son had two visits from Santa Claus. He had one set of grandparents on our side (just my parents, DH's parents were both deceased) and 3 sets of grandparents on his mother's side. He was rolling in presents on birthdays and Christmas and he was NOT shy to tell my kids all the stuff he was getting. By the time my kids were old enough to "get" it, my Step-son was around 11-12. My parents decided to just get him a card with money in it. We explained to him that with all the visits/presents duplicates were always a problem and with the money he could buy what he wanted. My step-son got it, and at least to my parent's faces seemed appreciative. My parents never gave their decision a second thought and I and DH appreciated that they acknowledged my step-son, but I am thinking from reading this board you would all think my parents were evil.

 

[PaulaSB12]

So the kid doesn't feel like an outsider that doesn't belong?

So the child who doesn't have biological grandparents and step grandparents should be stiffed on gifts? After that is what is going to happen. Just explain the the children of the first relationship is that you get presents from your grandparents you sibling gets presents from theirs.

 

[luvsJack]

So the child who doesn't have biological grandparents and step grandparents should be stiffed on gifts? After that is what is going to happen. Just explain the the children of the first relationship is that you get presents from your grandparents you sibling gets presents from theirs.

Both sets of kids in the OP have step grandparents and bio-grandparents. Her daughters step-grandparents are giving gifts with $100 difference in prices. That is a bit much.

Family should be considered family no matter what and all this "step" business should be set aside. (I always loved the line in the Brady Bunch where Mom Brady tells Bobby, "the only 'steps' in this house are those leading to your bedroom" and that is how it should be).

What is so wrong in treating your daughter-in-law or son-in-law's children as part of your family? Do some of your family's not consider your children or sibling's spouses a part of your family? These children are a part of them.

 

[cheermom1]

Lovesjack as you know I've been a stop mom for over 7 years now and this is how we do things. My in laws all treat all the kids the same and never have thought other wise about it. Mainly b/c my mil IS my dh's step mom but she adopted him and his sis. However my parents can't afford to give my step sons gifts like that and they feel very bad for it. My mom told me so. Anyway dh understands so what they do is wait till the boys are NOT around and give my kids their gifts. My step sons have never said anything about it. however when my parents do have extra money they have been known to give my step sons gifts. No not dollar store items either. I know for a fact they got some nice knives sets that was at least $50 buck before.

perhaps you can talk to your in laws and ask that they give your skids their gifts when your kids are not around. I know it sucks but you can't demand someone give a gift if they don't want to. good luck.

 

[Over the Rainbow]

So you expect their biological grandparent and their step grandparents to provide presents. Do you do anything for the child of this relationship to counter the fact that you expect the children of the previous relationship to get double presents. If they are getting presents from their grandparents what is the problem?

My step sons also get presents form their mothers parents as well.Im not asking for same treatment just not such in your face unequal gifting.

 

[cheermom1]

At the age of 6 I knew and understood who my grandparents were and very much understood that although one of my parents remarried and I had a bunch of new relatives, they were not exactly the same. I just didn't have the same expectations for them as my biological relatives that I already new and always saw gifts from my step family as an extra special bonus or treat. Now 30 years later it is still the same, I was genuinely very happy to get socks for Christmas from them. I am happy that they think of me, I don't compare that to what my step-brother or sister received from them.

It's much stickier if one side of the family is better off financially than the other (or just spends more). It helps if it all evens out in the end, there's no upset feelings.

This is the way it SHOULD be! I know for my step sons they have grand parents that give to them that don't give to my kids and why should they? So why should I expect someone that is not my step sons grand parents give to them? I'm so glad you see it that way. You were very mature.

 

[cheermom1]

Both sets of kids in the OP have step grandparents and bio-grandparents. Her daughters step-grandparents are giving gifts with $100 difference in prices. That is a bit much.

Family should be considered family no matter what and all this "step" business should be set aside. (I always loved the line in the Brady Bunch where Mom Brady tells Bobby, "the only 'steps' in this house are those leading to your bedroom" and that is how it should be).

What is so wrong in treating your daughter-in-law or son-in-law's children as part of your family? Do some of your family's not consider your children or sibling's spouses a part of your family? These children are a part of them.

In a perfect world you are right. However you can't MAKE someone do something they don't want to do! I still think she should just ask them to give the gifts when her kids aren't there. Just like in my family my step sons do not receive gifts if my kids aren't when my kids are there. I mean for christmas and such not bdays.

See step kids have their own grand parents that will give them gifts and will not give your kids gifts just as well as your kids grand parents give them gifts and not the step kids. that is just life ad the sooner the kids gets it the better. Even a family that is not blended it is that way too. I know that I have bought my dd things and my son didn't get anything. I know that at a later date I bought my son things and my dd didn't get anything. that is just life! We really are doing our kids a disservice when we try to make the whole world as equal as we can. Sometimes we as parents just need to explain to our kids that life is not fair sometimes and that this is life.

See I have done that with my kids as my step sons have come over with Iphones and always the latest of everything and brag about how much it costs and that their mom loves them more and blah blah blah. So I have sat my kids down and talked to them that sometimes that is just the way life is.

 

[cheermom1]

So the child who doesn't have biological grandparents and step grandparents should be stiffed on gifts? After that is what is going to happen. Just explain the the children of the first relationship is that you get presents from your grandparents you sibling gets presents from theirs.

Exactly!! Why are we so afraid to just explain life to our kids????

 

[cheermom1]

I think this is a tough issue. Should grandma all of a sudden treat new DIL's kids like the grandchildren she has always had and loved because they now live with her son part time? I'd definitely say yes if the kids were in sole custody or had no contact with the other side of their family. The new children should be welcomed with open arms, perhaps prepped for the difference in real grandchildren's gifts and the non-adopted children of their step father. They have a father and two sets of grandparents already-right? I know I sound cold but grandma and grandpa should not have to change things with their grandchildren because someone else's grandchildren are the step children of their son, especially if those grandparents spend loads of money on their grandchildren. Token gifts might be a bit awful and there is no reason a couple of really nice gifts couldn't be given but to expect lavish gift giving to step-grandchildren who have real grandparents might be expecting too much. Does your husband plan to adopt your children?

I just reread your post that your children don't see their dad or his family very much. I'd missed that one. I agree that a $100 difference is a bit much but I stand by my opinion that grandparents don't need to treat step-children of their children equally to their bio grandchildren unless there is adoption or a long relationship. I think you need to find a way to protect your children from this. Perhaps discuss it with your in-laws, tell them you are not comfortable with your children having this experience and asking them to hold back until private gift giving can occur. I don't think there is any other way you can control this. I also don't think you should expect your husband to alienate his parents about this. Stay calm and work slowly toward a solution.

I agree with you. My kids don't see or have any kind of contact with their dad and his family. I feel the same way that you do. I don't think anyone has the right to tell someone who to give a gift too. I think that she should talk to her in laws and ask that they give her step kids their gifts when her kids are not present.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I have been very lucky. When I got married, my in-laws instantly treated my DS's (10 & 11) as their grandchildren. When I was pregnant with DD adn at a NYE party at the bil house, friends said congrats to my in-laws on them becoming grandparents for the first time. My in-laws said oh this isn't our first...grabbed my DS's and introduced them .

I do have issues with my in-laws, but not in this matter, they treat all four of our kids (dh calls the oldest 2, his DS's from my first marriage).

I think you have a bigger issue with your DH not being upset by it. Does he treat your kids equally? Personally, if my children were being treated so differently, I would not spend time with those doing it. But that is just me.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I agree with you. My kids don't see or have any kind of contact with their dad and his family. I feel the same way that you do. I don't think anyone has the right to tell someone who to give a gift too. I think that she should talk to her in laws and ask that they give her step kids their gifts when her kids are not present.

It's really not about the gifts...that is how it appears. I comes down to the fact that the in-laws have not accepted the steps as family. That is really the bottom line. But again, that is my opinion.

 

[cheermom1]

It's really not about the gifts...that is how it appears. I comes down to the fact that the in-laws have not accepted the steps as family. That is really the bottom line. But again, that is my opinion.

Again you can't make someone accept someone as family if they don't want too.

 

[cheermom1]

Op after reading the rest of the thread I'll tell you how we do things. I know I'll get flamed b/c I have before but I want to say one thing to that first. BITE ME!

This is how we handle christmas and such holidays--- I buy more for my kids then for my step sons as this is the only christmas that my kids get and always have. I give my kids their gifts from me while my step sons get their gifts from their mom. I don't see anything wrong with that as all kids are getting gifts from THEIR mothers!! I get my kids a main gift that is more then my steps kids and then after that it is all fair. Soooo while step sons are getting their gifts from their mom my kids are opening the gift from me. So while the step kids are here they get the same as my kids. Does that make since? I have never let it be in their face that I spend more on my kids b/c they are not here while I give my kids their gifts. Now it would be different if my kids seen their dad or had any contact with that side of their family but they don't. Their dad and his family is MIA and always has been I don't even get Child Support!