Question for blended families.

[AndreaDM]

I married my husband almost ten years ago and brought 2 daughters to the marriage, and a year later we had another daughter. My in laws can annoy the heck out of me, but I have to give them credit for treating all 3 of them the same. They always say they have 3 grandchildren and the word step is never used in our family. My kids are all sisters, there is no half. However, DH is an only child, things might be different if he had siblings with children. Also, my ex and his family are pretty much non-existent so my in laws have filled that role, along with DH's aunts, uncles, cousins. I feel very blessed.

 

[castleview]

My "step-niece" - we never call her that - has been around since before my kids were born and there's no reason for us to treat her differently.

I don't know how old your MIL is, but I have a dear aunt who is a very kind women, but has byzantine theories on how things are "supposed to be" and family classification. It's annoying to watch, and very time consuming and mentally exhausting for her. I just feel sorry for her and move along while not putting my kids in the position for them to feel her unintentional slighting. It doesn't sound like you can do that though. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but eventually you can explain this to them. Maybe it will change, maybe not. Believe me though, one day you'll laugh over this.

 

[arielsleepingbeauty]

A serious question, not trying to cause major problems. Can you expect a grandparent to feel the same way to their childrens step children as they do for their biological grandchildren? How long would you need to know the step children and how much time would you need to spend with them to achieve this bond?

I don't necessarily agree with not giving presents or making a child feel unwanted. The child cannot help their parents divorce and remarriage. Just, are we expecting too much from relatives? They haven't had your experience of dating and getting to know the new family members. They did not choose to fall in love with a new family?

I agree. I am now in a blended family. It would be great if everything was equal, but I think it's expecting too much. It would be different if you gave more to your children than to his children, you are family now, but to expect grandparents to give the same, i think that is asking a little too much.
Just remember, you may be a family now, but maybe his family doesn't feel that way.

 

[ameraumi]

I would feel the same way. While I am not married into a blended family, I have been in a blended relationship for a year now. We try hard to keep things "fair" between the 4 kids (my 2 and his 2). My mom has a very hard time with this, she is getting better about it, but you can still see the difference on how she treats my 2 over his. His family treats me and my kids as if we have always been in the picture.

And to throw a wrench in things, my former IL's (late DH's parents) have even gone as far to give a little something to SO's children when they do something for their grandchildren. If they send my kids a holiday card, they make sure to send one to SO's kids. They even got his 2 a gift for Christmas!

 

[luvsJack]

My parents are on fixed income so no gifts form them, and the girls do not get any gifts form their father (i don't know if it is his new wife or he really can't afford it). My husbands ex goes all out things like XBox 360 PlayStation and so on. My husband an I spend the same on all children down to a couple dollars apiece. I'm thinking about skipping Christmas next year at in-laws just so my girls don't have to see how big the difference is.

In that case, I would have to insist that dh say something to make things more equal.

Do your step-sons live with you or their mother?

 

[snowywhite89]

I agree. I am now in a blended family. It would be great if everything was equal, but I think it's expecting too much. It would be different if you gave more to your children than to his children, you are family now, but to expect grandparents to give the same, i think that is asking a little too much.
Just remember, you may be a family now, but maybe his family doesn't feel that way.

I am not in a blended family but have some in our extended family.

They don't get gifts from me but I am cordial but not really close to the step-kids because a divorce could happen and then we would never see each other again. When the person is related to me the chances are there but small that we would never see each other again.

For those who say everything should be equal does that include inheritance. Should your parents leave money to their step-grandkids?

 

[luvsJack]

A serious question, not trying to cause major problems. Can you expect a grandparent to feel the same way to their childrens step children as they do for their biological grandchildren? How long would you need to know the step children and how much time would you need to spend with them to achieve this bond?

I don't necessarily agree with not giving presents or making a child feel unwanted. The child cannot help their parents divorce and remarriage. Just, are we expecting too much from relatives? They haven't had your experience of dating and getting to know the new family members. They did not choose to fall in love with a new family?

Speaking from my own experience, I never expected my in-laws to bond with my sons in the same way they bonded with their bio-grandchildren who they had known from birth. I also never expected the same bond between me and my mil that there is between her and her daughter. But, we are all considered part of the family and that is how I believe it should be.

 

[Riviera510]

For those who say everything should be equal does that include inheritance. Should your parents leave money to their step-grandkids?

I think it depends. My inlaws (FIL and stepMIL) got married in 2001. I was already married to DH. We had our kids in 2003 and 2005. StepMIL has been in the picture since they were born and my kids call her grandma and dont know that she isn't biologically related to her.

StepMIL also has biological grandkids... one is 2 months younger than my oldest and the other is 6 months younger than my twins.

She mostly treats the kids the same. Honestly I think she is more bonded to my kids as she sees them more so they do in fact probably get a little more in gifts from them.

We do not celebrate any holidays with the other grandkids though.

So in this case I would be hurt if my stepMIL had an inheritance and excluded my kids from it since my kids love her to pieces and think she is the greatest thing since sliced bread. lol

 

[MerMom60_94]

I am not in a blended family but have some in our extended family.

They don't get gifts from me but I am cordial but not really close to the step-kids because a divorce could happen and then we would never see each other again. When the person is related to me the chances are there but small that we would never see each other again.

For those who say everything should be equal does that include inheritance. Should your parents leave money to their step-grandkids?

Thank you for saying this. I was contemplating whether I wanted to come on and say this or not, because I am not in the mood to get blasted over it. A few of my siblings have step children or have had step children. There are a lot of factors here: does the step child live with the parent who has joined the family? Did the step child join the family as a toddler or as an almost grown child? Does the step child still have their other parents family in his/her life to spoil them and treat them special (as they should)?

One of my brothers had a step daughter who joined our family when she was five. She was treated like a niece / grandchild but when her parents got divorced her mother took her away like she was a piece of property. This girl didn't know her bio-father so there was no bio-paternal family; we were it for her. Yet, she doesn't dare have a relationship with any of us because she doesn't want to anger her mother who has made it clear she brought this daughter into the marriage and she took her away when she left.

OP, I am wondering why you are upset at your in-laws for not buying nicer presents and treating your child like any other child in the family, but you don't seem to question why her father and his family aren't treating her as she should be. Rightfully, if they were treating her as she should be treated your child would probably end up with just as much as her siblings, just from a different source. That seems more questionable to me than what her step-family is doing.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think when children are young, treating them differently is unacceptable. Children do not ask to be a part of divorce/remarriage. They are simply children.

Kudos to those who treat everyone equally.

 

[MIGrandma]

DH and I have had step-children in our families on two separate occasions. The first time DS just lived with his girlfriend, they were together 3 years and never married but we treated her DS equally with our biological grandchildren, giving him the same $$ amount gift for his birthday and Christmas, and a stocking, as well. That relationship ended and a year or so later he re-married and she had a DD and DS that we treated the same as previous relationship. It never occurred to me to treat the step-grandchildren any differently with gifts than we did with our biological grandchildren. I'm sorry your MIL is that way.

 

[Hannathy]

How old are your kids? and how old were they when they joined into the family? I think this has a lot to do with it also. My BIL married a woman with a 16 yr old son, who being a 16 yr old had very little to do with anything family and we saw very little. At Christmas we all got him gifts but I'm sorry but I'm not spending the same amount on a teen who I have met twice briefly as I am on my little nieces. And I don't mean he got a token but if I spent 50 on the girls he got something for 20ish. Now if he had been 2 and grown up with the family things would have been different.

I think it has a lot to do with the age the families are blended.

 

[luvsJack]

I think when children are young, treating them differently is unacceptable. Children do not ask to be a part of divorce/remarriage. They are simply children.

Kudos to those who treat everyone equally.

Exactly! There is no reason why an adult should think its ok to buy a $50 gift for one kid and a $5 gift for another (just as an example)! Its Christmas.

I would actually extend that to any kid, any age that gets "married into" a family. They didn't ask to be there. And just like a mil should accept her dil/sil into her family, any children should be considered a part of the family also.

As for inheritance, wtheck does that have to do with Christmas presents? I don't even expect equal inheritance from my mom for me and each sibling! (nor do I really care, its her's not mine)

 

[goofy4tink]

I am a child of a blended family..albeit late in life. I was 23 when my father left my mother and about 25 when he remarried. BUT....my step-mother treated my kids incredibly well...just as good as her own kids. And she always treated me very well...still does to this day. So....when I divorced and then remarried (was with my current dh about 9 years when we finally got married), my kids were 13 and 16 when we got married, but they basically grew up with him around..but their dad had them on weekends. So.....my inlaws wouldn't know these two kids if they ran over them in the street. They have never bought them a birthday gift or a Christmas gift..not even a card. The only gifts they have received from dh's family are graduation gifts. And that was simply because they were invited to the graduation parties.
My kids were treated very well on their dad's side though.....their step-grandparents always remembered them at the holidays and special birthdays.

Now that I'm a step-grandparent, I try to send something to my son's step-children on their birthdays and holidays. I don't think it needs to be anythiing huge, just a remembrance so they know they are being thought of. But..they are also both over 21 now. It's not as if they are young kids.

When kids are young, under 17 or so, I really think that they all should be treated the same. If dad's parents are getting gifts for their blood grandchildren, then the step-grandchildren should get something as well. That's part of being a family..and a blended one to boot.

 

[worm761]

I have to agree with the majority here that you are not wrong. Of course I am sort of in the same situation. My Boyfriends mother informed him and I over the summer the me and my family do not matter. That includes my DS. Boyfriend and I have a DD together. Now boyfriend doesn't think of DS and DD as different. He also told his mother to treat them the same or we would not be around. Easy to do since we live in Florida and she is in New York. Now his dad and step mom love DS and DD equally. There is no difference in that side of his family. I don't understand MIL since her kids, all three of them, are step children to her husband and she would not have tolerated them being treated differently. But is ok to treat my son differently. Even worse is that DS has Asperger's so he really, really doesn't understand.

I think your problem is not only with your MIL but apparently your husband feels the same way. I would not handle my boyfriend telling me that the kids are different. They aren't. Either you love them or you don't.

 

[wvjules]

DBF and I aren't married but his family treats DD15 (and I) as if she were one of their own. We get the same amount of gifts as the other family members. Not once have I felt like I am not a member of their family. DD gets the same amount of gifts as their 2 biological grandchildren who are 7 and 3 (his sister's kids.) She probably gets less for her birthday than they do but it is not done in a group setting and they are only 7 and 3. She was quite shocked when she got a birthday present from the first time. It was totally unexpected and greatly appreciated. We are a part of their family even though we aren't a part of their family...yet. I can't wait until the day I get to call them my family.

 

[snowywhite89]

Exactly! There is no reason why an adult should think its ok to buy a $50 gift for one kid and a $5 gift for another (just as an example)! Its Christmas.

I would actually extend that to any kid, any age that gets "married into" a family. They didn't ask to be there. And just like a mil should accept her dil/sil into her family, any children should be considered a part of the family also.

As for inheritance, wtheck does that have to do with Christmas presents? I don't even expect equal inheritance from my mom for me and each sibling! (nor do I really care, its her's not mine)

Why does the bolded only count for inheritance not but gifts?

Why are you only a member of the family for Christmas but not for inheritance. WTH does one count but not the other?

The ones who should make it completely equal are the ones who married. For all others it is their money to spend as they want. That includes Christmas.

 

[luvsJack]

Why does the bolded only count for inheritance not but gifts?

Why are you only a member of the family for Christmas but not for inheritance. WTH does one count but not the other?

The ones who should make it completely equal are the ones who married. For all others it is their money to spend as they want. That includes Christmas.

So you think its ok to make one child sit and watch another child open a big gift while the first child only gets some small token or no gift at all? Really?

I am a member of my in-laws family 100% of the time, as are my sons. Any inheriatance will be left to dh by his family or to me by my family. Why would my in-laws leave anything to me?

And "only" a member of the family? Where does the "only" come from? I am a member of dh's family just as all of his sisters-in-law are and dh is a part of my family just as my bil is. I do not expect to be treated completly equal with dh's sister by their mom that but I do expect to be treated like a part of the family and dh expects it also.

Children who come into a family by marriage should be treated like a part of the family. Somebody loved these children and thier parent enough to make them his/her family and they should be treated as such by the rest of that person's family. Period. Its just the right thing to do.

Inheritance is a completly different thing. And is usually left to the children anyway.

 

[Over the Rainbow]

Their fathers family does give them gifts as they can afford, my step-sons get gifts from their moms side. My main issue is that we are talking over a $100.00 diffrance in the gifts. My youngest girl lives with me full time and sees her dad every few months or so. My husband in my opinion is her dad he has been there more in the last 3+ years than her dad. My step-sons see their grand mother about twice a year (they choose to not go with us for most visits where as my dd always goes.) No I don't expect her to love my girls the same way, but children can get their feelings hurt none the less.

 

[lyncecelia]

My parents openly accepts DBF's kids and sent each of them a Christmas gift. They haven't sent birthday gifts yet, but they have no other "grandchildren" either, so there is no competition. My DMom says she'll do more for them after we get married, but since we are just dating now she's afraid of getting attached. I 100% understand this.

However, when DBF started getting serious, I did have a talk with my mom. When/if we ever get married, she KNOWS I would not tolerate DBF's kids being treated differently than any bio grandkids. I love them as if they are my own, and I will not sit there and watch them get hurt.

My grandmothers I am not 100% expecting equal treatment for them. My Nana (who is 98) already doesn't treat my step-cousin equally. My Grandmother might treat them equal, but that's not TOO hard considering since our "gifts" through the year are cards with $1 in them . But I'm not the least bit hurt, she is on a REALLY fixed income.

It would definitely not fly with my parents though. However, I don't forsee it being an issue anyway.

I'm sorry your kids are treated differently that stinks...