Question for blended families.

[ozarkmom]

Op after reading the rest of the thread I'll tell you how we do things. I know I'll get flamed b/c I have before but I want to say one thing to that first. BITE ME!

This is how we handle christmas and such holidays--- I buy more for my kids then for my step sons as this is the only christmas that my kids get and always have. I give my kids their gifts from me while my step sons get their gifts from their mom. I don't see anything wrong with that as all kids are getting gifts from THEIR mothers!! I get my kids a main gift that is more then my steps kids and then after that it is all fair. Soooo while step sons are getting their gifts from their mom my kids are opening the gift from me. So while the step kids are here they get the same as my kids. Does that make since? I have never let it be in their face that I spend more on my kids b/c they are not here while I give my kids their gifts. Now it would be different if my kids seen their dad or had any contact with that side of their family but they don't. Their dad and his family is MIA and always has been I don't even get Child Support!

This makes perfect sense to me and is how we handle it.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Again you can't make someone accept someone as family if they don't want too.

That's very true. We had that with my DH's GM and our DS's. Today, our eldest is her favorite!!

If in-laws didn't accept me as family or my kids, then they wouldn't see us. It is really quite simple. And if the spouse woudln't agree, then spouse would be ex-spouse.

 

[cheermom1]

This makes perfect sense to me and is how we handle it.

Thank you. I have been flamed hard core on here for things like this. I was even flamed really baad when I was upset that dh's ex wanted him to buy his kids a car when her aunt had already bought them one! OH and only the oldest is ready to drive and he only has his permit. My kids are both driving and I SAVED the money from MY job and bought them a car for their 16th bdays. But really why should dh buy them a second car???? Really??? I don't get that one at all. I never said that dh wouldn't get them something for their 16th bdays but i still don't understand why some here thought my step kids should have 2 cars just b/c I bought my kids one?

I hope the op gets to a point where she is happy in how they handle things in her family.

 

[Over the Rainbow]

Through out the year I do spend a little more on my girls than on my step sons because my husband pays child support to their mother, whereas my ex pays nothing and has very very little to do with my girls.

 

[mjlewis23]

This is how we handle christmas and such holidays--- I buy more for my kids then for my step sons as this is the only christmas that my kids get and always have. I give my kids their gifts from me while my step sons get their gifts from their mom. I don't see anything wrong with that as all kids are getting gifts from THEIR mothers!!

In your situation, that is ok, as you said, your kids get nothing from their bio-dad. In the OP situation, the girls don't get gifts from their father, *and* get shafted by the grandparents, but they don't get anything extra from mom (OP) and stepdad to make up for it. The boys get gifts from the dad and stepmom (OP) and extravagant gifts from their bio-mom, as well as the grandparents. In your situation, you are making up for the unfairness, in the OP's situation, her kids are just getting more unfairness on top of it.

 

[cheermom1]

In your situation, that is ok, as you said, your kids get nothing from their bio-dad. In the OP situation, the girls don't get gifts from their father, *and* get shafted by the grandparents, but they don't get anything extra from mom (OP) and stepdad to make up for it. The boys get gifts from the dad and stepmom (OP) and extravagant gifts from their bio-mom, as well as the grandparents. In your situation, you are making up for the unfairness, in the OP's situation, her kids are just getting more unfairness on top of it.

I agree however she still can't make someone do something they don't want to do which is why i posted how we handle things to give her an out. I also suggested that she kindly tell her in laws to give her step kids their gifts when her kids are not around.

 

[goofy!]

Through out the year I do spend a little more on my girls than on my step sons because my husband pays child support to their mother, whereas my ex pays nothing and has very very little to do with my girls.
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Dorothy dh Russ dd Heather dd Ashely dss Alex dss Ethan dss Aaron

I supported you until you wrote this.

It seems you have a double standard.

It is ok for you to spend more on your girls than your stepsons because you don't think they get enough from their dad.

Yet it is not ok for the other side of the family to spend more on their relatives because they have a bit more money.

By this statement, it seems that the only time it should be equal is when it benefits your girls.

If you are going to insist on equality, it has to be equality across the board. You don't get to pick and choose the situations where the spending has to be equal. If the parents themselves, the ones who put together the blended family, doesn't treat the kids equally themselves, then it would be hard to expect the extended family to be different and treat the kids equally. Even if one family is not as financially flush as the other side, it should still be equal within the family unit.

It isn't about gifts. Even if your parents are on a fixed income and can't give as much, I would just encourage you to enforce the bond between them and their biological grandparents so that they feel loved by grandparents also.

I also have to ask, have you embraced your step-sons completely as your own sons? Between what you just posted about spending more on "my" daughters and that your signature lists the boys as "steps", perhaps the grandparents are just following your lead? If, as you say, you are treating your daughters differently than your stepsons, you can't expect the step-grandparents to treat all the kids equally.

That said, I could never do it. My kids are getting to the age where serious relationships could be in the very near future. If there were ever steps involved, they would be embraced fully and treated equally.

 

[cheermom1]

I supported you until you wrote this.

It seems you have a double standard.

It is ok for you to spend more on your girls than your stepsons because you don't think they get enough from their dad.

Yet it is not ok for the other side of the family to spend more on their relatives because they have a bit more money.

By this statement, it seems that the only time it should be equal is when it benefits your girls.

If you are going to insist on equality, it has to be equality across the board. You don't get to pick and choose the situations where the spending has to be equal.

It isn't about gifts. Even if your parents are on a fixed income and can't give as much, I would just encourage you to enforce the bond between them and their biological grandparents so that they feel loved by grandparents also.

I also have to ask, have you embraced your step-sons completely as your own sons? Between what you just posted about spending more on "my" daughters and that your signature lists the boys as "steps", perhaps the grandparents are just following your lead? If, as you say, you are treating your daughters differently than your stepsons, you can't expect the step-grandparents to treat all the kids equally.

That said, I could never do it. My kids are getting to the age where serious relationships could be in the very near future. If there were ever steps involved, they would be embraced fully and treated equally.

I think you have her sig confused with mine. And my step kids are my step kids. My step kids would have a fit if they knew I was calling myself their mom. there is way more to this than anyone can imagine. But I have a great relationship with my step kids. they have just never been comfortable enough to view me as mom as their mom has made it very clear to them that if they did they would get in trouble. I respect my step kids to make them as comfortable as I can. They respect me as their step mom too. But that is what we are step mom and step kids that is just the way it will always be b/c of circumstances beyond mine and their control.

 

[Ember]

We have a lot of blending in our family. My relatives seems to enjoy collecting spouses... Do I treat my new cousins, aunts, uncles, and other assorted family differently? Yes. My grandparents treat them differently, too.

Sadly, each remarriage is more likely to end in divorce. The new cousins come and go, but my grandparents will always be my grandparents. I can't blame them for not being attached or as giving to the step-grandchildren.

When I was six, my father remarried and my step-mother's family hardly even acknowledged me. When I had to spend Christmas with my father and step-mom they tried to make things equal, but my step-brother made sure I knew full well that he got more presents when I left. It didn't bother me, even as a kid. I knew that I was well loved and that I, too, would get more presents from my mom and her parents and all that side of the family.

After my father and step mother divorced when I was 12, I never saw step-mother's family again. So, really, who can blame them for not thinking of me as their grandchild, exactly the same as my step-brother.

 

[goofy!]

I think you have her sig confused with mine. And my step kids are my step kids. My step kids would have a fit if they knew I was calling myself their mom. there is way more to this than anyone can imagine. But I have a great relationship with my step kids. they have just never been comfortable enough to view me as mom as their mom has made it very clear to them that if they did they would get in trouble. I respect my step kids to make them as comfortable as I can. They respect me as their step mom too. But that is what we are step mom and step kids that is just the way it will always be b/c of circumstances beyond mine and their control.

no, don't have sigs confused at all.

You have a system that works for you. You both agree to provide for your own kids and then do some together. But you are also not complaining that the other side didn't buy your kids cars too.

The OP spends more on her daughters than she does her step kids, but then complains when the step-kid's relatives spend more on the step-kids than they do on her daughters. From what little the OP has shared, it does come across as a double standard for her daughters.

However, each situation is so unique and has so many different dynamics, one would be hard pressed to make a logical judgment on the OP's situation without knowing so much more, ie ages, custody, etc.

 

[Over the Rainbow]

I supported you until you wrote this.

It seems you have a double standard.

It is ok for you to spend more on your girls than your stepsons because you don't think they get enough from their dad.

Yet it is not ok for the other side of the family to spend more on their relatives because they have a bit more money.

By this statement, it seems that the only time it should be equal is when it benefits your girls.
.

So the fact that we pay 30% of my husbands income every month with out fail accounts for nothing when I want to buy my girls new jeans an such for school. Trust me we do not get any credit form the boys for the cool things their mother buys with child support money. My girls have not been supported for years by their father so if I do not by the random book or new top than they get nothing.

 

[cheermom1]

no, don't have sigs confused at all.

You have a system that works for you. You both agree to provide for your own kids and then do some together. But you are also not complaining that the other side didn't buy your kids cars too.

The OP spends more on her daughters than she does her step kids, but then complains when the step-kid's relatives spend more on the step-kids than they do on her daughters. From what little the OP has shared, it does come across as a double standard for her daughters.

However, each situation is so unique and has so many different dynamics, one would be hard pressed to make a logical judgment on the OP's situation without knowing so much more, ie ages, custody, etc.

No I don't expect anyone to give my kids a gift. However in my situation my dh's ex seems to think that I OWE her kids more than my own as she told me that I HAVE to make sure that the step kids have their own rooms and she doesn't care weather mine have one or not. That told me everything I needed to know. I decided right then and there that I had to make sure my kids were provided for first. I mean my dh pays support and half of medical and everything he is supposed to do. His kids ARE taken care of I just had to make a decision that my kids came before I bought or did anything for my step kids. But see in my situation my step kids have everything you can imagine and then some. They are well taken care of trust me they get WAY more than I could even think about to give my kids. I figured it up one year and they got 700 a piece that year just from their mom and her side not including what we got them or what dh's family got them. My kids with everything got maybe 300. And that INCLUDED everything from grand parents and my side of the family.


Op i just hope that you can find a place that you and everyone is comfortable with.

 

[cheermom1]

So the fact that we pay 30% of my husbands income every month with out fail accounts for nothing when I want to buy my girls new jeans an such for school. Trust me we do not get any credit form the boys for the cool things their mother buys with child support money. My girls have not been supported for years by their father so if I do not by the random book or new top than they get nothing.

I think that Goofy just didn't understand everything. Of course Child support should account for something. I see nothing wrong in what you are doing you have make your kids your priority. Your dh is making his his priority by paying CS and the other things he does.

Goofy I hope you understand that along with everyone else. I know that My dh's ex refuses to work and thinks my dh OWES her for the rest of her life so everything that the step kids get is from CS! Of course the kids seem to think it is just from mom?

 

[goofy!]

I think that Goofy just didn't understand everything.

Apparently not Thus, I will quietly bow out of the conversation.

However, I will stand by my reasoning that if the nuclear family maintains a "yours and mine" standard, then it would be very hard to expect the extended family to adhere to an "everybody is equal" standard.

 

[cheermom1]

Apparently not Thus, I will quietly bow out of the conversation.

However, I will stand by my reasoning that if the nuclear family maintains a "yours and mine" standard, then it would be very hard to expect the extended family to adhere to an "everybody is equal" standard.

I understand where you are coming from which is why I said that you can't make someone do something they don't want to do.

 

[MissElizabeth]

Family should be considered family no matter what and all this "step" business should be set aside. (I always loved the line in the Brady Bunch where Mom Brady tells Bobby, "the only 'steps' in this house are those leading to your bedroom" and that is how it should be).

What is so wrong in treating your daughter-in-law or son-in-law's children as part of your family? Do some of your family's not consider your children or sibling's spouses a part of your family? These children are a part of them.

I think this is a nice idea- but its a fantasy in many cases, IMO. I was reading this thread aloud to my husband, who has had three step mothers and a step dad over the years. On his step dad's side he's treated as a full on grandchild- he called his step dad's mom 'grandma first name' and his siblings aunt and uncle. However, my husband lived with his mom and step dad from the time he was five and there are no other children other than my husband and his sister in the family.

On his dad's side- two of his step moms disappeared from his life completely. The first, we recently found out, died several years after the divorce. The second cheated on his dad and left him for another man. His current step mom, who has been with his dad since DH was 12, is wonderful to our kids, but believe me, her family does not treat my husband or our children the same way they treat the other children and grandchildren- and I see no reason why the should. My husband and kids have grand parents and great grandparents of their own.

I have several friends who are divorced and have blended family situations. Their attitudes range from "The best thing a step mother can do is be a good host; she cannot ever be a mother" from one friend who resents the hell out of her kids step mother encroaching on her territory as a mother to "what's mine in ours" and expecting the new family to give as much as love and attention to the step children as the bio children.

I don't think there's any one right way to handle these situations- it depends largely on circumstance, the child's feelings, who the child lives with, how involved the child is with the step grandparents, etc. These situations are tough enough for those who CHOOSE to be in them to negotiate, let alone those who did NOT choose to be in a blended family, but find themselves in one - including grandparents and children.

I think we expect too little form our children- life isn't always fair and its not always equal. They are certainly capable of understanding that Grandma Sally is my step sister's grandma, and Grandma Edie is my grandma, and that while they both care about me, the relationships are different, and different is ok.

 

[ChrizJen]

A serious question, not trying to cause major problems. Can you expect a grandparent to feel the same way to their childrens step children as they do for their biological grandchildren? How long would you need to know the step children and how much time would you need to spend with them to achieve this bond?

I don't necessarily agree with not giving presents or making a child feel unwanted. The child cannot help their parents divorce and remarriage. Just, are we expecting too much from relatives? They haven't had your experience of dating and getting to know the new family members. They did not choose to fall in love with a new family?

I guess my response to this question would be to consider if a relative adopted a child. Would there still be that "getting to know" period of time? Or is the new child just welcomed in like any other child in the family? I wouldn't consider a combined family any different from adopting a child. A new child in the family is a new child, regardless of how he/she came into the family.
I have a foster daughter who's been in my home for 2 years, and my family treats her exactly the same as they treat any other child in the family. I would expect no less from them.

 

[eeyoremum]

I grew up in a blended family. My step sister's family lavished gifts on her at birthdays and Christmas. I was always given a token gift at Christmas but nothing for birthday. No big deal I was not their grandchild or niece. In a perfect world I guess everyone would be treated equally but we don't live in a perfect world.

My DH and I talked about it the other night and I think I would do the same thing if my children married women with children. They have grandparents, I would only be a step grandparent. So personally I guess I would be biased.

 

[cheermom1]

I think this is a nice idea- but its a fantasy in many cases, IMO. I was reading this thread aloud to my husband, who has had three step mothers and a step dad over the years. On his step dad's side he's treated as a full on grandchild- he called his step dad's mom 'grandma first name' and his siblings aunt and uncle. However, my husband lived with his mom and step dad from the time he was five and there are no other children other than my husband and his sister in the family.

On his dad's side- two of his step moms disappeared from his life completely. The first, we recently found out, died several years after the divorce. The second cheated on his dad and left him for another man. His current step mom, who has been with his dad since DH was 12, is wonderful to our kids, but believe me, her family does not treat my husband or our children the same way they treat the other children and grandchildren- and I see no reason why the should. My husband and kids have grand parents and great grandparents of their own.

I have several friends who are divorced and have blended family situations. Their attitudes range from "The best thing a step mother can do is be a good host; she cannot ever be a mother" from one friend who resents the hell out of her kids step mother encroaching on her territory as a mother to "what's mine in ours" and expecting the new family to give as much as love and attention to the step children as the bio children.

I don't think there's any one right way to handle these situations- it depends largely on circumstance, the child's feelings, who the child lives with, how involved the child is with the step grandparents, etc. These situations are tough enough for those who CHOOSE to be in them to negotiate, let alone those who did NOT choose to be in a blended family, but find themselves in one - including grandparents and children.

I think we expect too little form our children- life isn't always fair and its not always equal. They are certainly capable of understanding that Grandma Sally is my step sister's grandma, and Grandma Edie is my grandma, and that while they both care about me, the relationships are different, and different is ok.

Right you are. It definitely depends on the situation you are in. Weather your family will accept your steps as part of the family. no matter what you say or do if they don't want to they won't.

You are also right in that we cuddle our children way too much there is nothing wrong with explaining things to our kids. Life is not fair and never will be. We expect way too little of our children now a days. I have often said that if I treated my step sons like my kids they would hate me and so would my dh. I am very hard on my kids and expect a lot out of them. When I married dh I set up rules for all kids and a chore chart. I was the evil step mom for a long time b/c how dare I make them clean their OWN messes. I was making them my slaves. That was just a little bit of what I expected my kids to do. So I know that when I told to treat my step kids like my own kids they were full of it!!! That is one of the many reasons we are considered steps here. I know it is not the best but it is what we got.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

My husband and I have been married for a year and half. My question is when you marry into a family does your new in-laws shop and and give gifts the same as they do for the biological grandchildren? My issue is my mother in-law makes huge difference between my girls and my husbands boys. I assumed when we married that we (my girls and I were family as well). I don't care that she does not spend much on me but its hard watching her give very minor gifts to my girls and no birthday gifts when she gives gifts and large sums of money to my step children. Please be honest. My husband said he would be all right if my family did that but I don't think he would. Is my husband right am I over reacting?

Your husband's children are their blood. Yours aren't. Sounds harsh, but that's the facts. Why would you force them or feel that your kids should be treated the same by them?

You could divorce your husband next month and those people will never see or interact with your children again. His kids will always be their grandchildren and in their lives.

If I were in that situation I would buy all of them nice gifts for holidays, birthdays, etc. but put aside extra money for my bio grandchildren in an account to be used in the future by them. If someone doesn't like that, that's too bad for them.

Don't your kids have their own set of grandparents (yours and their father's)? Or is that the problem? No one is around for them and you want your husband's parents to take on that responsibility?