Question for blended families.

[Bren's Mom]

While my family isn't perfect, they do know what family truly means. When I married my dh, who brought a son with him, they become family to my parents/sister/aunts/uncles/etc. We subsequently had a child together, so now we have two boys. Dss does have a mom, does have his mom's family, and my dh's family...but now he has mine as well. My parents opened a college account for him when we married, and for younger ds when he was born. Yes, dss's won't have as much in his as it wasn't started until he was 10...but it was started as soon as he became a part of our family. My parents/sister/extended family all treat dss and ds the equally as far as gifts are concerned. Different, yes, because dss is a teen and ds is a little boy...but equal in 'value' and, more importantly, in LOVE. I've never had to lay down the lay for my family because they feel as I do about this, but if anyone WAS unequal I simply wouldn't stand for it. I would never require you to buy gifts for either child, but if you choose to buy gifts it must be for both.

My parents refer to themselves and consider themselves dss's grandparents. They love him like grandparents. They treat him like a grandchild and include him in their grandchild 'count'. They don't require him to CALL them gma and gpa if he chooses not to, though, out of respect for his bio grandparents. But he certainly can if he chooses to.

In our house, it's all about the kids, what's best for them, what makes them happy and secure and loved...if they have all that then we're doing a great job I think.

 

[luvsJack]

While my family isn't perfect, they do know what family truly means. When I married my dh, who brought a son with him, they become family to my parents/sister/aunts/uncles/etc. We subsequently had a child together, so now we have two boys. Dss does have a mom, does have his mom's family, and my dh's family...but now he has mine as well. My parents opened a college account for him when we married, and for younger ds when he was born. Yes, dss's won't have as much in his as it wasn't started until he was 10...but it was started as soon as he became a part of our family. My parents/sister/extended family all treat dss and ds the equally as far as gifts are concerned. Different, yes, because dss is a teen and ds is a little boy...but equal in 'value' and, more importantly, in LOVE. I've never had to lay down the lay for my family because they feel as I do about this, but if anyone WAS unequal I simply wouldn't stand for it. I would never require you to buy gifts for either child, but if you choose to buy gifts it must be for both.

My parents refer to themselves and consider themselves dss's grandparents. They love him like grandparents. They treat him like a grandchild and include him in their grandchild 'count'. They don't require him to CALL them gma and gpa if he chooses not to, though, out of respect for his bio grandparents. But he certainly can if he chooses to.

In our house, it's all about the kids, what's best for them, what makes them happy and secure and loved...if they have all that then we're doing a great job I think.

Just as it should be!!

 

[cheermom1]

Just as it should be!!

Not saying it shouldn't just saying that sometimes things are beyond your control and nothing can be done about it. Such as in this case her MIL giving her skids more than her own but at the same time her kids are not their grand kids. Op can't force her mil into giving her kids the same all she can do is see if mil will not do it in front of her kids. We have to deal with what life gives us.

 

[castleview]

The more I think about it as both a "step-aunt" and a a step-daughter, grand-daughter and cousin, the secret is to not be a victim. My step-family was very welcoming, but they probably got more material gifts that I never bothered to notice.

If someone is blatantly slighting your children, then limit your time with them. Otherwise, try not to make it a big deal.

I'm not saying the OP does this, but if mom feels like a victim so will her kids.

 

[cheermom1]

The more I think about it as both a "step-aunt" and a a step-daughter, grand-daughter and cousin, the secret is to not be a victim. My step-family was very welcoming, but they probably got more material gifts that I never bothered to notice.

If someone is blatantly slighting your children, then limit your time with them. Otherwise, try not to make it a big deal.

I'm not saying the OP does this, but if mom feels like a victim so will her kids.

Very true, very true! I was just wanting the point to be made that while people should do this or that it doesn't always happen and we have to deal with what life gives us. It is all in the way you handle these situations. I know in some families while they are all blood that some kids get more and is favored so it is not just a step thing. You ca not force anyone into doing what you think they should right or wrong you just have to deal with it and make the most of it.

 

[Bren's Mom]

Not saying it shouldn't just saying that sometimes things are beyond your control and nothing can be done about it. Such as in this case her MIL giving her skids more than her own but at the same time her kids are not their grand kids. Op can't force her mil into giving her kids the same all she can do is see if mil will not do it in front of her kids. We have to deal with what life gives us.

It is my opinion that if two people choose to marry, and either (or both) brings children to the marriage that it is their responsibility to ensure that ALL of their children are loved and protected. This includes not allowing them to feel like 2nd class citizens at family gift-giving events...or ever. (At least in their own home.)

A 'grandparent' can be given a choice, just as I posted earlier. If my mom ever even considered doing this I would simply let her know that she does NOT have to buy gifts for my stepson...but if she chooses not to then gifts for my son won't be accepted either. Don't come to my home with gifts for one and not the other, or with obviously unequitable gifts. If we're going to her house and she were going to do this (or did it) we would simply not attend those events. My children (bio and step) are MY responsibility to protect. I can't speak for all blended families, but that is in MY vows and I will meant them and honor them. The parents have the control here, not the grandparents.

 

[castleview]

Very true, very true! I was just wanting the point to be made that while people should do this or that it doesn't always happen and we have to deal with what life gives us. It is all in the way you handle these situations. I know in some families while they are all blood that some kids get more and is favored so it is not just a step thing. You ca not force anyone into doing what you think they should right or wrong you just have to deal with it and make the most of it.

Exactly! Wanted to also thank you for pointing out parental alienation syndrome. Nothing drives me crazier than to see one parent poison their children against their other parent. It just reeks of narcissism and dysfunction.

 

[cheermom1]

It is my opinion that if two people choose to marry, and either (or both) brings children to the marriage that it is their responsibility to ensure that ALL of their children are loved and protected. This includes not allowing them to feel like 2nd class citizens at family gift-giving events...or ever. (At least in their own home.)

A 'grandparent' can be given a choice, just as I posted earlier. If my mom ever even considered doing this I would simply let her know that she does NOT have to buy gifts for my stepson...but if she chooses not to then gifts for my son won't be accepted either. Don't come to my home with gifts for one and not the other, or with obviously unequitable gifts. If we're going to her house and she were going to do this (or did it) we would simply not attend those events. My children (bio and step) are MY responsibility to protect. I can't speak for all blended families, but that is in MY vows and I will meant them and honor them. The parents have the control here, not the grandparents.

AND that is how you CHOOSE to handle this situation. I CHOOSE to handle it differently not say either is wrong but that it is our choice how we CHOOSE to handle it. Which goes back to what I said you can't force someone to do what you want. You can giver them a choice but remember if they do what you want it is forced and not from the heart. So are you REALLY protecting the kid? No b/c it doesn't matter that kid will know how they truly feel.

I think it is best to just do something like that when they are not around. Of course this is the way I handle it and my opinion and my dh's well. We have talked about this a lot. Went through every angle we could before we choose this way to handle it.

 

[cheermom1]

Exactly! Wanted to also thank you for pointing out parental alienation syndrome. Nothing drives me crazier than to see one parent poison their children against their other parent. It just reeks of narcissism and dysfunction.

No problem it gets under my skin too. My dh's ex tried this in the beginning (she still does to an extent) but when I pointed out that the kids understand more than they think and they can handle the truth according to their age. Such as when bm tells the boys that daddy doesn't pay CS he should just show them proof and that is all. No bad mouthing just simply show the paper work where he has been paying. When dh started doing that it really but a halt to bm PASing them. They are 15, 13, and 11 now and they understand more than anyone seems to think they do. How do I know? My step sons talk to me, they tell me what they think of what is going with their mom and how she treats them and their dad. I really felt for my oldest when he got grounded for defending me.

There is so much more but I have been through a lot and I have had to look up laws and all kinds of things so i know a lot. Not enough but I know a lot.

 

[luvsJack]

Of course you cannot control other people and/or make anyone do anything. BUT, sometimes you have to draw a line. And for me, the line should be drawn at treating the children differently.

CheerMom1, sure the gifts can be given seperately. That is one solution. For as long as it works. But, in all truthfullness, I think the OP's husband should have a discussion with his mother about it first. And THEN if no other solution can be reached, suggest that the bigger gifts be given at a different time (if that is even possilbe).

 

[AristocatFan]

Skimming through this thread has made me so thankful not to have to go through this. There are no step/half anything in my entire family(and I come from a large family) we're just fortunate that there have not been any divorces. I don't know how I would handle it. But I do know that I wouldn't expect the same treatment all the way around. Life doesn't treat everyone the same.

 

[ClarabelleCowFan]

Exactly! Wanted to also thank you for pointing out parental alienation syndrome. Nothing drives me crazier than to see one parent poison their children against their other parent. It just reeks of narcissism and dysfunction.

Amen. DH has battled his ex in family court for years over PAS. We could write a book at this point. The children are the ones who suffer. They just want to be loved and accepted by everyone in their life without having to choose sides. They don't deserve to be used as pawns in head games by the parents.

OP - as far as blended families go, my in-laws treat my older children from a previous marriage just the same as they do their biological grandchildren. They consider all of the children their "grands" and buy for them equally for birthdays and Christmas. As the kids get older, my MIL is a bit out of touch with what is "in style" but she always does go out of her way to shower all of the children with plenty of gifts and attention.

 

[castleview]

Amen. DH has battled his ex in family court for years over PAS. We could write a book at this point. .

I think Alec Baldwin is writing a book.

 

[cheermom1]

I think Alec Baldwin is writing a book.

 

[PrincessBelle09]

OP - If you and DH have a child, will she treat the baby as her grandchild? Does she expect you to treat her biological grandchildren (DH's boys) as your own? MIL should totally treat ALL of her grandchildren, biological or not, the same.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, hon.

 

[rie'smom]

It is my opinion that if two people choose to marry, and either (or both) brings children to the marriage that it is their responsibility to ensure that ALL of their children are loved and protected. This includes not allowing them to feel like 2nd class citizens at family gift-giving events...or ever. (At least in their own home.)

A 'grandparent' can be given a choice, just as I posted earlier. If my mom ever even considered doing this I would simply let her know that she does NOT have to buy gifts for my stepson...but if she chooses not to then gifts for my son won't be accepted either. Don't come to my home with gifts for one and not the other, or with obviously unequitable gifts. If we're going to her house and she were going to do this (or did it) we would simply not attend those events. My children (bio and step) are MY responsibility to protect. I can't speak for all blended families, but that is in MY vows and I will meant them and honor them. The parents have the control here, not the grandparents.

Yes I agree, I told my husband when I got pregnant with our son that if I everfelt that he was slighting my son from a previous marriage that I was walking.

Absolutely 100% correct If my MIL had been hateful enough to give DH and I's son more than my son, I would have returned all of the gifts. Luckily, we are blessed. She is a sweetie with a kind and loving heart.

When my son's father died, the following Father's Day he asked my husband to adopt him. DH had told him right after his dad died that he would never try to replace his dad but that he loved him and if and when he was ready, he'd love to adopt him. If my son had not felt that my husband treated him as well and loved him as much as his little brother, he probably would never have asked.

 

[rigs32]

My SO's family handled Christmas differently this year because of this issue. Previously, adults drew names for the gift exchange and many/most people bought gifts for the children. With remarriages and such the number of kids has swelled. Now kids are also in the gift exchange and anyone who wants to buy for children gift at a different time than the big family gathering.

I would expect gift giving to kids to go way down if step-grandparents are expected to buy equally. Same budget now stretched a bunch more ways.

 

[momto2girls]

OP - If you and DH have a child, will she treat the baby as her grandchild? Does she expect you to treat her biological grandchildren (DH's boys) as your own? MIL should totally treat ALL of her grandchildren, biological or not, the same.

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this, hon.

But MIL might not consider them her grandchildren. I know that I didn't consider my step-father's parents as my grandparents, and they didn't consider my sister and me as their grandchildren. They were lovely people, but they were my step-father's family, not mine. We spent every Christmas with them when I was growing up and they always gave us token gifts, but nothing compared to what they gave their biological grandkids. I can't imagine why I would have expected them to.

 

[horseshowmom]

This is a little different than the OP's original post, but I knew someone who married a man with two children. They then had a child together. There were a lot of other grandchildren in the extended family.

The grandmother used to give all the children money for Christmas. Everybody got the same thing except the two children mentioned previously. They got exactly twice what all of the other grandchildren got (including their half-sibling). Considering everybody opened the gifts at the same time, it was very obvious to all the grandchildren. Grandmother gave those two more because their parents were divorced.

 

[castleview]

This is a little different than the OP's original post, but I knew someone who married a man with two children. They then had a child together. There were a lot of other grandchildren in the extended family.

The grandmother used to give all the children money for Christmas. Everybody got the same thing except the two children mentioned previously. They got exactly twice what all of the other grandchildren got (including their half-sibling). Considering everybody opened the gifts at the same time, it was very obvious to all the grandchildren. Grandmother gave those two more because their parents were divorced.

Yeah, I've seen people hurt so many other family members by over compensating. A friend of mine's DH has three brothers. One of the brothers is a deadbeat, so the grandparent's are raising his son who is about seven now. They re-did their will recently and originally they were leaving everything to all four boys to divide equally. Now they are dividing it up five ways to include the seven year old. Friend's DH is trying to not get too bent out of shape. But it's annoying that favoring goes on because someone else screws up.