Pregnant High School Senior Denied Attendance At Graduation Ceremony

[Wendy31]

Parents are often in a tough position, when it comes to school choice.

The public schools my children attended did not have any alcohol related traffic deaths, drug overdoses, or suicides, either. But, we live in an area with excellent public schools, and a generally high level of education and lots of professionals. Not all of their class went on to college, but most did. And, honestly, I don't believe that every child should head straight off to college after high school. I don't see that as a "win". In fact, I think educators place entirely too much emphasis on prepping kids for higher education, when many of them would be happier and more successful in the trades.

How many of your current graduating class are going to drop out? How many will end up with degrees they can't use? How many will end up saddled with crushing debt? Has your school really done this class any favours, by pushing them all down an identical path?

I agree with you that private, parochial schools can be good choices, sometimes. I attended a Catholic convent school where the nuns were terrific educators, open-minded and very kind. When I said to one of the sisters, "But, I'm not Catholic!" She replied, "That's all right. There are many roads to God. We're just travelling different ones." They taught me a version of ecumenical Christianity that I still believe in, to this day, for all that I am now Unitarian.

And, at the same time, there are both nominally "secular" schools ("community standards" can make some so-called-public schools more religiously oppressive than private ones) and private religious schools that are frankly appalling, in their approach to moral education. Schools that stage chastity rallies which compare girls who have sex to "used toothbrushes", that use shame and fear and lies to impose social controls on young people. Schools where gay children live in constant terror of being discovered. Schools that look the other way, ignoring bullying and rape and blaming the victims, because the perpetrators are "good kids" with "futures". Schools that adhere to iron clad "zero tolerance" policies without compassion or sense.

I have compassion for parents making hard choices - a scary public school, a theocratic private school... and not every family has the resources to even consider homeschooling.

I don't give much weight to the fact that this girl signed her school's "honor code". Her parents chose this school. And every single student signs the code. There's no way to opt out, and no way to make an informed decision about whether or not to sign, which means it's meaningless. Agreement under duress, is not agreement at all. So, I don't actually think the young lady acted immorally when she broke the honor code.

Also, when it comes to reading-and-signing rules of conduct (which I have no issue with, actually - all the public schools my kids attended had them, though they focussed on kindness and compassion, not sex and dress codes), I prefer to see the consequences laid out clearly. And I didn't see anywhere in the sections quoted, a part that says, "If you get pregnant, you will not walk the stage at graduation." Presumably, if she'd got knocked up a year earlier, she'd walk the stage while her baby sat in her mother's lap, in the audience.

I think the choices presented by the school to this young lady are interesting ones from a moral perspective. Want to walk the stage? Get an abortion! The lesson is clear: appearances matter more than actions.

I do not think the nuns at my old convent school would have approved of that message.

I agree w/ this, & I was actually discussing this very thing w/ someone last night. The person is a current youth pastor of a large-ish church & is also a graduate of the same school from which I graduated.

We both agreed that these schools, while mostly well-meaning, are too hung up on appearances & living by a set of rules instead of focusing on what really matters. (And I don't want to get too religious-y, so I won't say anything more.)

Anyway, in the school's place, he would have taken the girl's "confession" & then supported her & her decision - even if meant going against how the school's Code of Conduct is written & even if it meant angering other parents ("You're going to let her walk, but you didn't let my son walk 2 years ago when he vandalized the school...!"). However, as a condition of her continuing in the school & walking in graduation &, as part of the school's support, he would want the girl to receive some sort of counseling moving forward.

Not letting the girl walk at graduation is not going to ensure that future students never have sex, & it doesn't really address the issue in a positive, edifying, natural consequence kind of way.

At the end of the day, what is the school's mission? What is the focus of the school? And, does not allowing the girl to walk at graduation support their mission?

If we're truly pro-life, then we support the woman & her baby - not just the decision to keep the baby. And I agree.

Again, I feel for both the girl & the school (the jury's still out on her father), but I think the school, in trying to be consistently fair & adhere to their Code of Conduct, miss-stepped & missed a great opportunity as well.

 

[Wendy31]

But if she'd had the abortion, she'd be walking the stage at her graduation. So...

I get that.

The lesson is - if you cover it up, you won't face the consequences. So do want you to do, but make sure you don't get caught.

But can't you say that about anything really?

Anyone can cover up anything so as not to face the consequences. Is that the lesson we want to teach our kids though?

And I understand how observers can say that this is EXACTLY what the school is teaching the students.

Again, I feel the school could have handled the situation differently & better.

But I don't think the girl is being punished for not getting an abortion. (I think, if I remember correctly, in one of the official statements made by the school, they even commend her for her choice.) She is being disciplined for the premarital sex. She told them she was was pregnant & admitted to a consensual relationship. The school says, "You broke the no sex before marriage rule; therefore, you can't march at graduation." And I'm sure there are other students who have had sex but didn't get caught, & they will be marching.

I wonder (1) what the punishment/discipline would be if a teacher walked in on 2 students having sex in a supply closet but no pregnancy resulted & (2) what would have happened to the girl if this had occurred during her junior year.

 

[Magpie]

I wonder (1) what the punishment/discipline would be if a teacher walked in on 2 students having sex in a supply closet but no pregnancy resulted & (2) what would have happened to the girl if this had occurred during her junior year.

This is what I wonder, too!

I saw an interview with the principal a couple nights ago, and I wasn't impressed.

He starts off by complaining that the school is being "bullied" by this girl. And then he goes on to claim that he's just trying to protect her, and keep her from being humiliated by having her shameful condition displayed in front of the whole school. It was very clear in the interview that his concerns are entirely focussed on how this would look.

I have strong suspicions, based on what I was hearing from him, that if she had got herself knocked up a year earlier, she'd be walking the stage, no problem.

 

[sam_gordon]

If the school can without a doubt 100% say there have been no other sexual activity or drug or alcohol or anything else against the code without the students who were involved in activities that were against the code being handed down the same punishment then that's one thing.

The school may suspect there's other sexual activity going on, but unless they KNOW, they can't punish anyone.

If a senior went to the school in January and said "I had sex" (but no pregnancy resulted), and they just gave ISS suspension and allowed her to walk at graduation, then I agree it would be an unfair punishment.

 

[tzolkin]

Totally pointless to wonder about that because she WASN'T raped. She DIDN'T have an abortion. She willingly had sex, which she knew was against the honor code, and she admitted it. That's my point. She's not claiming rape or virgin birth. Punishments like expulsion are decided on an case to case basis. If she'd been raped, it's entirely possible that they would have encouraged her to leave, come back after having the baby, repeat the year and graduate with the class under her. (I don't know about her school but my school probably would have done that whether she was raped or not- there's a clause in the student code about howyou can't attend in a way that could distract other students).

Also, can I just point out that honesty is great and all, but being honest about something doesn't exempt you from the punishment. I really don't understand the people who are saying she was punished for being honest. She was punished for having sex (and possibly for not being properly repentant over it). Personal accountability is probably a large part of that student code, meaning that if she'd lied, and gotten caught in the lie, she would have then faced the consequences for that as well.

I clearly stated that rape did not factor into this specific case.

I was simply responding to the statement that has been made numerous times throughout this thread that pregnancy is "irrefutable proof" of immorality/promiscuity. To state that repeatedly as if it were a fact perpetuates a stereotype that is hurtful to many women. Having been a teenage mother, I was judged, punished, and socially ostracized based on this (false) assumption so it bothers me when everyone's immediate go-to category for every pregnant teen is "can't keep her legs closed".

And, I agree that honesty does not absolve you from the consequences of your actions. I believe strongly in personal accountability. (Similarly, that's a major annoyance I have with people constantly citing "freedom of speech". It does not mean that there will be no consequences for what you choose to say.)

 

[Cannot_Wait_4Disney]

This is what I wonder, too!

I saw an interview with the principal a couple nights ago, and I wasn't impressed.

He starts off by complaining that the school is being "bullied" by this girl. And then he goes on to claim that he's just trying to protect her, and keep her from being humiliated by having her shameful condition displayed in front of the whole school. It was very clear in the interview that his concerns are entirely focussed on how this would look.

I have strong suspicions, based on what I was hearing from him, that if she had got herself knocked up a year earlier, she'd be walking the stage, no problem.

The principal has a martyr complex. There is no bullying going on. Of course it's all how it looks.

 

[Magpie]

The principal has a martyr complex. There is no bullying going on. Of course it's all how it looks.

Yes, and I am very unhappy with any educator who would misuse the term in that fashion. It makes me wonder, is he capable of identifying real bullying? How equipped is he to defend the interests of marginalized students within his own school?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

The school may suspect there's other sexual activity going on, but unless they KNOW, they can't punish anyone.

If a senior went to the school in January and said "I had sex" (but no pregnancy resulted), and they just gave ISS suspension and allowed her to walk at graduation, then I agree it would be an unfair punishment.

Well I wasn't really talking about what you are talking about. Of course you don't know what you don't know...I was speaking about knowing sexual activity of all kind going on and was more or less pointing out that other activity besides pregnancy is just as likely to be going on. If students were engaging in that but it was being brushed underneath the rug because it wasn't as visible (well STD's can have visible symptoms) like pregnancy or it wasn't deemed as big of a no-no....that's what I was more talking about. If a guy was getting...(you know what I mean don't want to say it on the DIS) and was caught or it was found out would he get punished by not walking in the ceremony? If students were known to drink alcohol would they be prohibited from walking in the ceremony?

What's interesting is the website for the school doesn't seem to be fully visible right now at least using Chrome. All you get is the statement from the principle instead of being able to navigate to the portion to view Staff, etc.

Their Student Plege includes the following: “extends to my actions, such as protecting my body by abstaining from sexual immorality and from the use of alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs” (according to the principle's statement on the webpage).

And it sorta brings up the issue some posters have mentioned. Would these activities that students are not supposed to do applicable to all years in regards to not walking in the ceremony. According to the Student Pledge it's for 5th-12th graders....so we're not just talking about abiding by the code for 4 years of high school. So let's say it is found out you were engaging in sexual activity in 7th grade..would that mean you don't get to walk in high school graduation when the times comes? Or let's say it is found out you were engaging in drinking or smoking in 11th grade..would that mean you don't get to walk in the high school graduation? So then if the girl got pregnant in her 11th grade year would that mean she wouldn't walk in her high school graduation the next year?

 

[sam_gordon]

And it sorta brings up the issue some posters have mentioned. Would these activities that students are not supposed to do applicable to all years in regards to not walking in the ceremony. According to the Student Pledge it's for 5th-12th graders....so we're not just talking about abiding by the code for 4 years of high school. So let's say it is found out you were engaging in sexual activity in 7th grade..would that mean you don't get to walk in high school graduation when the times comes? Or let's say it is found out you were engaging in drinking or smoking in 11th grade..would that mean you don't get to walk in the high school graduation? So then if the girl got pregnant in her 11th grade year would that mean she wouldn't walk in her high school graduation the next year?

I think that's a good question (I brought it up earlier). It's the posters on here who are saying "other kids are having sex, why aren't they punished?" that, IMO, aren't seeing the bigger issue. What if the girl had sex in April, found out she was pregnant in May, and didn't say anything? I'm guessing they'd let her walk.

 

[Boardwalk Jedi]

I think that's a good question (I brought it up earlier). It's the posters on here who are saying "other kids are having sex, why aren't they punished?" that, IMO, aren't seeing the bigger issue. What if the girl had sex in April, found out she was pregnant in May, and didn't say anything? I'm guessing they'd let her walk.

Maybe the school should just admit they can't control whether a kid has sex or not, and they should get back to academics. Just a thought. They wouldn't be dealing with this headache if they did.

 

[DizBelle]

I don't know if you are intentionally trying to be offensive but if so good job. You may be referring to only a specific incident and location but you you leave reason to infer a slander against Faith based education in general.

I have never been a "religious" person, I have my beliefs, my own faith and moral code but am not a practitioner of any religion.

A decade ago my wife and I made the decision to place our daughter in private school. It has a strict religious doctrine, one which I have disagreed with many times. It has, at times, exhibited what I consider an overabundance of fervor on certain issues. However we agreed to obey the rules of the school and so I have done my very best to adhere to them and restrain my dissent to the less agreeable aspects.

Why would I do this you ask? The answer is simple. In the decade my daughter has attended not one student has died of an alcohol related traffic death, drug overdose or suicide. I don't mean not one student in her class, I mean not one student in the entire school.

100% of the current graduating class is going on to college, half of them had a 30 (that is not a typo THIRTY) or above on the ACT.

I live near the Mississippi Delta, please feel free to do a search and see how that compares to the local public schools.

I am sorry you had such a horrible experience, I can understand how that could color ones viewpoint. Again it is entirely possible you were commenting solely on personal experience at one specific location and I am being overly sensitive. I would point out however that "Christian", and "weird morality clauses, behavior codes, archaic dress code", are certainly accurate descriptions of the school referenced above.

These stats may be more due to who the school accepts as students rather than the education they provide.

 

[wilkeliza]

Well I wasn't really talking about what you are talking about. Of course you don't know what you don't know...I was speaking about knowing sexual activity of all kind going on and was more or less pointing out that other activity besides pregnancy is just as likely to be going on. If students were engaging in that but it was being brushed underneath the rug because it wasn't as visible (well STD's can have visible symptoms) like pregnancy or it wasn't deemed as big of a no-no....that's what I was more talking about. If a guy was getting...(you know what I mean don't want to say it on the DIS) and was caught or it was found out would he get punished by not walking in the ceremony? If students were known to drink alcohol would they be prohibited from walking in the ceremony?

What's interesting is the website for the school doesn't seem to be fully visible right now at least using Chrome. All you get is the statement from the principle instead of being able to navigate to the portion to view Staff, etc.

Their Student Plege includes the following: “extends to my actions, such as protecting my body by abstaining from sexual immorality and from the use of alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs” (according to the principle's statement on the webpage).

And it sorta brings up the issue some posters have mentioned. Would these activities that students are not supposed to do applicable to all years in regards to not walking in the ceremony. According to the Student Pledge it's for 5th-12th graders....so we're not just talking about abiding by the code for 4 years of high school. So let's say it is found out you were engaging in sexual activity in 7th grade..would that mean you don't get to walk in high school graduation when the times comes? Or let's say it is found out you were engaging in drinking or smoking in 11th grade..would that mean you don't get to walk in the high school graduation? So then if the girl got pregnant in her 11th grade year would that mean she wouldn't walk in her high school graduation the next year?

I've only had 2nd hand experience with similar schools due to friends in my youth group attending them. Most of the time if you had a major infraction in a lower year you may be dismissed from the school completely or put on probation. I know at least one girl who went to a school like this who was caught doing things with another girl. She was a freshman in high school and the other girl was a senior at the local private school. We all knew each other through church. So our church kicked out the senior girl and that was about all that happened. Freshman faced consequences in our church as well as at school. She was not allowed to be on the youth counsel for at least a year nor be apart of the worship team any more. At school she was not allowed to be a cheerleader nor be on their leadership group any more. Not sure what else was done. I believe after a year or two of "model behavior" she was no longer on probation and was allowed to go back to being a leader at the school. It was very similar in that the entire graduating class was 20 or less and so being on probation for even a year affected her entire experience. The school punishment was just like others had said where it was caught by the parents and then taken to the church and the school as a we caught our daughter doing something immoral and need your help correcting the behavior. It was really off putting to everything I knew to say the least. I didn't think either girl was really wrong and although I didn't like that it was a senior and freshman there wasn't anything forced or even illegal about the relationship.

 

[Hikergirl]

No reason to get catty. I avoid schools like this by not acknowledging them as legitimate places of education and making sure they don't get taxpayer dollars. I don't think just because a place is private, it could have silly rules that result in demeaning a student.

I'm not being catty, I am being serious. Its clear by your posts in this thread that you have some deep issues with this school so do something about it. I personally don't care that much about it because its a non story. A school makes up some rules, parents choose to send their kid there, kid breaks rules and gets punished.

 

[mamacatnv]

I don't know if you are intentionally trying to be offensive but if so good job. You may be referring to only a specific incident and location but you you leave reason to infer a slander against Faith based education in general.

I have never been a "religious" person, I have my beliefs, my own faith and moral code but am not a practitioner of any religion.

A decade ago my wife and I made the decision to place our daughter in private school. It has a strict religious doctrine, one which I have disagreed with many times. It has, at times, exhibited what I consider an overabundance of fervor on certain issues. However we agreed to obey the rules of the school and so I have done my very best to adhere to them and restrain my dissent to the less agreeable aspects.

Why would I do this you ask? The answer is simple. In the decade my daughter has attended not one student has died of an alcohol related traffic death, drug overdose or suicide. I don't mean not one student in her class, I mean not one student in the entire school.

100% of the current graduating class is going on to college, half of them had a 30 (that is not a typo THIRTY) or above on the ACT.

I live near the Mississippi Delta, please feel free to do a search and see how that compares to the local public schools.

I am sorry you had such a horrible experience, I can understand how that could color ones viewpoint. Again it is entirely possible you were commenting solely on personal experience at one specific location and I am being overly sensitive. I would point out however that "Christian", and "weird morality clauses, behavior codes, archaic dress code", are certainly accurate descriptions of the school referenced above.

Just offering contrast to the person that I quoted's comments regarding their Catholic School experience.

 

[sam_gordon]

Maybe the school should just admit they can't control whether a kid has sex or not, and they should get back to academics. Just a thought. They wouldn't be dealing with this headache if they did.

Maybe parents shouldn't send their kid to a school that does punish for sex.

 

[Westcoastwild]

I clearly stated that rape did not factor into this specific case.

I was simply responding to the statement that has been made numerous times throughout this thread that pregnancy is "irrefutable proof" of immorality/promiscuity. To state that repeatedly as if it were a fact perpetuates a stereotype that is hurtful to many women. Having been a teenage mother, I was judged, punished, and socially ostracized based on this (false) assumption so it bothers me when everyone's immediate go-to category for every pregnant teen is "can't keep her legs closed".

And, I agree that honesty does not absolve you from the consequences of your actions. I believe strongly in personal accountability. (Similarly, that's a major annoyance I have with people constantly citing "freedom of speech". It does not mean that there will be no consequences for what you choose to say.)

Oh, absolutely. I would never make that assumption about a random pregnant teen. I wouldn't make that assumption about any woman who is pregnant actually. Things happen. That's why I'm prochoice to begin with. And I completely disagree with the school's stance on it anyway. They probably also believe they can pray the gay away.

However, I was referring to this situation specifically. She went to them and said I'm pregnant. They presumably asked who is the father and what were the circumstances. There is no indication in that article that she was coerced in any way or that she had no idea what the consequences of premarital sex would be. She knew sex could result in pregnancy, she willingly had sex- she just objects to the fact that she's being punished for it. She and her family are not necessarily arguing that the school rules are wrong and sexist- they're arguing that she shouldn't get punished because she's a good student, because she is the exception and anyway, Susie also did a bad bad thing but you didn't expel her. (When in fact we have no idea if they even had proof Susie was sleeping around. I mean unless you catch teens doing it in the band room, or on a school trip, pregnancy or DNA test from a rape kit are the ONLY ways that don't involve he said/she said. Seriously, if this high school is anything like one I've attended or even worked at- 90% of the rule breaking is never punished. The rumor mill may be correct but you cannot discipline based on the rumor mill)

Anyway- I'm not arguing that premarital sex equals immorality. I'm arguing that consensual premarital sex is against the student code at this particular school. If she's pregnant, and isn't claiming rape or immaculate conception, the pregnancy therefore irrefutable proof she violated the student conduct code. I mean think of it terms of plagiarism- if a teacher has both your paper and the paper you copy and pasted, it's going to be much harder for you to argue that it was accidental or that it never happened to begin with.

P.s. Hugs, by the way, for your experience. It's terrible that they ostracized you in this way. And it's a hard life too- I can't imagine what you went through. I find it kind of comical that the school thinks not walking is that big of punishment- this kid is going to face so many setbacks and difficulties as a result of this. not only that, who really cares about high school leadership positions or grades or social stuff after graduation?

You get admitted to college, and high school has no revelance 10 years down the road. The pregnancy will definitely still be relevant.

 

[Westcoastwild]

This is what I wonder, too!

I saw an interview with the principal a couple nights ago, and I wasn't impressed.

He starts off by complaining that the school is being "bullied" by this girl. And then he goes on to claim that he's just trying to protect her, and keep her from being humiliated by having her shameful condition displayed in front of the whole school. It was very clear in the interview that his concerns are entirely focussed on how this would look.

I have strong suspicions, based on what I was hearing from him, that if she had got herself knocked up a year earlier, she'd be walking the stage, no problem.

Oh, see, now we've hit the good stuff. The guy is a moron. If you're going to punish a kid according to the rules, you'd best stick to those rules. And you'd better have the courage to defend the decision as well as the facts to back you up.

My guess is that this is an underlying administrative problem. Principal made an inappropriate remark or overstepped the actual bounds of the rules and father used that as leverage to get the school to revoke the expulsion. Then of course the principal tried to back up and say he had just been doing it for the well being of the child. B.S.

With a more competent principal, the kid probably still could have been expelled under the right circumstances. But then again, with a more reasonable guy involved, the father might not have challenged the girl's punishment.

There were certainly teachers I would challenge because they were morons. Dress code is a primary example of this. If a teacher equally enforced dress code with both sexes- tuck in your shirt, no hats, no piercings- fine, I'll tell my kid to suck it up. But if a teacher send my daughter home because her shorts "look" too short or because her shirt "emphasizes" her breasts too much...well. Out comes the big guns.

 

[bcla]

Maybe the school should just admit they can't control whether a kid has sex or not, and they should get back to academics. Just a thought. They wouldn't be dealing with this headache if they did.

Such schools would have little reason to exist if they just stuck to academics. Such schools are often considered on the margins because they are so controlling of what happens outside of school, but that control is part of the appeal for many parents.

I've gone to parochial schools that weren't really all that different than public schools other than school uniforms, that most teachers were nuns, and we got a prayer and religious instruction at the end of the day.

 

[mummabear]

Also, when it comes to reading-and-signing rules of conduct (which I have no issue with, actually - all the public schools my kids attended had them, though they focussed on kindness and compassion, not sex and dress codes)

It's one thing to have rules about behaviour at school, it's another to try to control kids outside of school.

Dress codes: things that are a safety issue like closed toed shoes sure but banning nose rings or long hair on boys has nothing to do with education

 

[Westcoastwild]

It's one thing to have rules about behaviour at school, it's another to try to control kids outside of school.

Dress codes: things that are a safety issue like closed toed shoes sure but banning nose rings or long hair on boys has nothing to do with education

The argument against nose rings was that they don't look professional and detract from the educational environment (but interestingly, it was never explicitly against the dress code until all of the senior girls got one, primarily to figuratively give the finger to our new principal.)

Long hair for guys is more dubious but hey, girls couldn't dye their hair "unnatural" colors so I wasn't about to protest on behalf of my male classmates.

Honestly, it bugged me in middle and high school but now I think they had a point. I've had very few jobs that allow stuff like that. Most of my jobs have actually had stricter dress codes than my high school. And school is pretty much supposed to prepare you for adult life so there is that...