Poll: Japanese First Date

[skylizard]

I don't think she is lying, but I definitely think there is more to the story that she hasn't told us.
And it's pretty easy to find her dating profile and other message board discussions. Looks like her inability to take advice doesn't only apply to this forum. Yet she is very quick to offer up Advice to others on their dating profiles

 

[ChiCat]

Just as an FYI since you are inexperienced.

Your date had a succession of progressively more intimate sexual advances. You allowed them all.

He started slowly and stroked your hand. - You didn't pull your hand away or give any signal that you didn't want so much familiarity.

He then moved on to putting his arm around your shoulders. You did not pull away or tell him to stop.

So, he moved onto stroking your neck. You did not pull away or let him know you were uncomfortable.

He moved on to kissing you goodnight. He even asked you and you did not answer.

PLEASE, for your own sake and safety. Let a guy know when you want him to stop.

If you do not want to be touched, as said over and over and over on this thread, you need to establish your boundaries from the outset. There is NOTHING wrong with having boundaries. But you do need to establish them so the guy knows what they are. Do not lead a guy on because of some romantic vision that they can read your mind.

I know you are adverse to listening to advice, even though you ask for it.

But please, if you continue to date, listen to the good people on this thread and stand up for yourself. You argued earlier in this thread that you shouldn't have to discuss boundaries so early. At 31, yes you do. For your own safety, yes you do.

This is excellent advice.

I love these threads and I'm not entirely convinced that she's real. I know no one as naive and inexperienced in dating as her, it blows my mind she's supposed to be 31. What part of the world does she live in? I'd love to read the dating profile too.

Either way if you're real and this isn't a large fabrication, please go to therapy. I don't think you're crazy but there's seriously something wrong in your line of thinking if you're cringing by a man's touch but you don't let him know, and you just sit there and take it. I'm afraid you're going to have a very hard time in the real dating world, or worse yet you'll find the WRONG guy but won't have a clue.

It's not terrible that you don't have this figured out yet, hey no one is perfect! But recognize somethings wrong and fix it!

 

[NaLisa]

PSA TO ANY NEW PEOPLE NAIVELY TRYING TO HELP OP.

The good people of the DIS have been giving good advice to this poster for years. She a always has an excuse not to take it.

Many people have told her that she needs to get some therapy. She rebuffs them saying she's fine, even keeled and needs no professional help.

She has unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is, but argues with people who have actual experience when they try to tell her how it really works.

Don't invest your energy talking to the brick wall people.

Thanks for this PSA. Sure wish I had read it sooner.

 

[Sultana]

After thinking about it a bit more: I would be really insulted by the "chastity" message.
I mean, really??

You let him stroke your hand, put his arm around your shoulder, play with your hair and neck, let him kiss you. And STILL he admires your "chastity"?
It's not as if you didn't let him come close. The "physical" things that happened aren't out of the normal for a first date. After all, you didn't let him know you felt uncomfortable, she he shouldn't know any better.
And he still wraps all that under the praise of your "chastity"?

I would seriously be insulted.
Don't think I explained it well why. But anyway.

 

[topolino]

I have a very smart brain

I find this phrasing rather odd, and frankly, like something a 7 year old would say.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

PSA TO ANY NEW PEOPLE NAIVELY TRYING TO HELP OP. The good people of the DIS have been giving good advice to this poster for years. She a always has an excuse not to take it. Many people have told her that she needs to get some therapy. She rebuffs them saying she's fine, even keeled and needs no professional help. She has unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is, but argues with people who have actual experience when they try to tell her how it really works. Don't invest your energy talking to the brick wall people.

I can think if a few other posters who need similar PSA's. Their threads always get people agitated.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I think it's weird (from her playback of the date) the guy seemed to be wanting a little something physically, then send her a message saying he admires her chastity. It doesn't sound like she explained her values to him and he didn't know because of all the "moves" he put on her so it doesn't make sense.

I agree with you. I was creeped out by what she was describing. Very odd date.

 

[Liberty Belle]

After thinking about it a bit more: I would be really insulted by the "chastity" message.
I mean, really??

You let him stroke your hand, put his arm around your shoulder, play with your hair and neck, let him kiss you. And STILL he admires your "chastity"?
It's not as if you didn't let him come close. The "physical" things that happened aren't out of the normal for a first date. After all, you didn't let him know you felt uncomfortable, she he shouldn't know any better.
And he still wraps all that under the praise of your "chastity"?

I would seriously be insulted.
Don't think I explained it well why. But anyway.

Maybe OP wore her ring on the date?

 

[NHdisneylover]

After thinking about it a bit more: I would be really insulted by the "chastity" message.
I mean, really??

You let him stroke your hand, put his arm around your shoulder, play with your hair and neck, let him kiss you. And STILL he admires your "chastity"?
It's not as if you didn't let him come close. The "physical" things that happened aren't out of the normal for a first date. After all, you didn't let him know you felt uncomfortable, she he shouldn't know any better.
And he still wraps all that under the praise of your "chastity"?

I would seriously be insulted.
Don't think I explained it well why. But anyway.

It struck me as totally incongruous but not so much offensive as not believable. What are the odds this random man would even hit on her wanting to be chaste or using words like that at all? The date does not seem like it would have told him this

Maybe OP wore her ring on the date?

Ring? Did I miss a post. What ring would she have to wear?

 

[valleygirl1992]

Hey guys!

So a guy, yes a real guy, asked me on a date. The plan is for this Thursday evening, since Friday is Valentines Day, and didn't want it to be awkward. I think it will already be awkward, but...touche.

I really like this guy, at least as a friend. I don't know if it goes beyond that, but I guess that's what dates are for.

Anyway...he messaged me this morning and asked how Japanese sounded. Honestly, I was kind of anticipating this, as there are a limited amount of "date" restaurants around, and Japanese would definitely be the most unusual.

Anyway, I am not a brave eater. I don't like Chinese; I do like Mongolian. I like Mexican. I like basic Indian, but not really authentic Indian. I don't eat seafood, raw or cooked. Suffice it to say I have never had Japanese. I am a little anxious about it. I mean...what if it doesn't agree with me and it makes me sick? What if introducing a new type of food to my body sends me into shock? I really don't think I could do the sushi, but I could probably handle hibachi chicken. I'm not sure about chopsticks.

I don't want to be a buzzkill. I don't know if it is better to be adventurous and try new things, or be honest and play it safer? Which answer would you give, and why?

Be daring. Japanese has a lot more than just sushi and sea food. Chicken Teriyaki (not sure if I spell correctly) is delicious.

 

[Sultana]

Be daring. Japanese has a lot more than just sushi and sea food. Chicken Teriyaki (not sure if I spell correctly) is delicious.

Pssst, the thread has gone way beyond what to eat at the restaurant




And I also wonder what ring?
Right hand ring? I have one, wear it, and it doesn't have anything to do with chastity

 

[denisem]

It struck me as totally incongruous but not so much offensive as not believable. What are the odds this random man would even hit on her wanting to be chaste or using words like that at all? The date does not seem like it would have told him this



Ring? Did I miss a post. What ring would she have to wear?

I don't remember if it was gym guy or church guy, but she mentioned wearing a purity ring on her left-hand ring finger. IIRC, people told her to ditch the ring.

I also find the "chastity" text pretty unbelievable. But if it DID happen, Sultana brought up a good point insofar if this guy stroked her hand, neck, hair and kissed her on a 1st date and proclaimed her "chaste", what the heck was he expecting on a 1st date in order to declare her "unchaste"?

 

[Liberty Belle]

It struck me as totally incongruous but not so much offensive as not believable. What are the odds this random man would even hit on her wanting to be chaste or using words like that at all? The date does not seem like it would have told him this



Ring? Did I miss a post. What ring would she have to wear?

Pssst, the thread has gone way beyond what to eat at the restaurant




And I also wonder what ring?
Right hand ring? I have one, wear it, and it doesn't have anything to do with chastity

I don't remember if it was gym guy or church guy, but she mentioned wearing a purity ring on her left-hand ring finger. IIRC, people told her to ditch the ring.

I also find the "chastity" text pretty unbelievable. But if it DID happen, Sultana brought up a good point insofar if this guy stroked her hand, neck, hair and kissed her on a 1st date and proclaimed her "chaste", what the heck was he expecting on a 1st date in order to declare her "unchaste"?

Yes, that ring. And that is a good point.

 

[luvsJack]

At the risk of bringing up past debates, why was the consensus that she should ditch the ring?

If he knew what the ring was, would that not have pretty much set her boundaries for her? At the very least, it would have given a chance to bring up the conversation.

And, not that ya'll mention it, his statement is kind of strange.

 

[mrzrich]

She was told to ditch a ring on her left hand ring finger, because she was asking why men never approached her.

A purity ring is a very sweet sentiment, for a 16 yo, but at 31 it sends the "I'm attached" signal.

 

[FireDancer]

At the risk of bringing up past debates, why was the consensus that she should ditch the ring?

If he knew what the ring was, would that not have pretty much set her boundaries for her? At the very least, it would have given a chance to bring up the conversation.

And, not that ya'll mention it, his statement is kind of strange.

Well, maybe not so much on this date because she was already asked out but normally single women who want to be approached and asked out don't wear a ring on their left ring finger. When I'm single that is the first place I look before approaching any women and if it is occupied with anything I move on. No matter how chaste you are it is silly to do.

As for the text message, I could believe that was real is if the guy was setting up some sort of Sebastian Valmont approach and I really can't see this guy being able to pull it off based on what was said about him at the date. I guess if the guy is as clueless as he came across perhaps he responded that way but the word choice just seems off. This whole situation read like either the real or made up encounter of a 16 year old.

 

[goofyintoronto]

I don't remember if it was gym guy or church guy, but she mentioned wearing a purity ring on her left-hand ring finger. IIRC, people told her to ditch the ring.

I also find the "chastity" text pretty unbelievable. But if it DID happen, Sultana brought up a good point insofar if this guy stroked her hand, neck, hair and kissed her on a 1st date and proclaimed her "chaste", what the heck was he expecting on a 1st date in order to declare her "unchaste"?

If i recall correctly, I believe it was at church? I agree with the pp about the purity ring being fine for a 16 yr old, but not a woman in her 30's. It would appear as thou she's married.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I don't remember if it was gym guy or church guy, but she mentioned wearing a purity ring on her left-hand ring finger. IIRC, people told her to ditch the ring.

I also find the "chastity" text pretty unbelievable. But if it DID happen, Sultana brought up a good point insofar if this guy stroked her hand, neck, hair and kissed her on a 1st date and proclaimed her "chaste", what the heck was he expecting on a 1st date in order to declare her "unchaste"?

Interesting. i don't recall that in the church thread, and the gym thread is not one I recall ever reading--I am guessing it was there.

Reading more posts, it looks like she wore it on her left ring finger!?!? How could she NOT realize that men would see that and assume she was taken?

ETA: anyone remember how far back the gym thread is? I'm curious to read it now if I can find it.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Well, maybe not so much on this date because she was already asked out but normally single women who want to be approached and asked out don't wear a ring on their left ring finger. When I'm single that is the first place I look before approaching any women and if it is occupied with anything I move on. No matter how chaste you are it is silly to do.

As for the text message, I could believe that was real is if the guy was setting up some sort of Sebastian Valmont approach and I really can't see this guy being able to pull it off based on what was said about him at the date. I guess if the guy is as clueless as he came across perhaps he responded that way but the word choice just seems off. This whole situation read like either the real or made up encounter of a 16 year old.

It didn't really work for Sebastian either. Maybe he should have sent her a text asking if she'd seen his glasses. That line worked much better for him.

 

[mrzrich]

ETA: anyone remember how far back the gym thread is? I'm curious to read it now if I can find it.

So we can all be on the same page:


From 2008: Trouble with reality...OP is in love with an NFL star and is destroyed when she finds out he has a GF
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2035566

From 2009:Confindence Issues: Gym Guy
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2323652

From 2012: Dating Life Down the Toilet
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=3030069

From 2013: Dating Advice- Older Men? Church Guy
http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=3110451

Same issues, same advice, same brick wall.