Mackey, please take some advice from somebody who is similar and has been in your shoes.
I am not a "worldly" girl. When my husband and I were dating, we took it slow and didn't even kiss until a few dates in. We both waited for marriage, as does my sister in law. We are like minded in our values. We very rarely drink (I might a couple of times a month, he pretty much never does), and yes, I do uncomfortable watching or reading sexual stuff in movies and books. I am not attractive. I am short and fat and positively suck when it comes to finding flattering clothes and make up. I did not seem to inherit the cute girl gene so many seem to have.
I say that to show you that I understand where you are coming from. I have been married for three years, it is possible to find somebody with similar values as you,., no matter how awkward you are. But it did require going out of my comfort zone.
Before meeting my husband, I dated. Some guys I met online, some at work or school. In every case the guys I dated were church guys with similar values. One of the best relationships I had prior to my husband was a guy I met online while working for Disney who was also a CP. We were very up front from the beginning when it came to our expectations of physical contact. Although somewhat embarassing for me, we were able to have conversations in which we admitted sexual attraction and talked about our values and our boundaries.
My husband on the other hand is socially awkward. Before me, he had only dated one other person. I had to break my own rule and ask him out because he is very shy and not comfortable asking girls out. It was very much outside of my comfort zone, but I am glad I did! Like the previous relationship, we were up front with our values. Is he what I had pictured my husband would be like? Not at all. He is better.
Like you, I had had the "knight in shining armor" fantasy. I am a theatre nerd and a musician. I used to fantasize about a husband that I could dance with and sing duets with. That's not my husband at all. What I got instead was a somewhat shy, incredible guy who tells me I am beautiful even though I don't think I am. We can talk about anything no matter how dorky. We love each other because of our imperfections, not in spit of them.
You are going to need to be able to advocate for yourself. Yes, those conversations are awkward,but there is pretending to be all flustered and allowing yourself to be pushed into things you do not like will only hurt you in the long run. You are older. I understand when there are certain expressions you don't get. I've been there, done that. But the whole blushing and acting clueless is not going to work for a woman your age, even with the nice guys. Even the good guys like my husband want sex and physical affection. You will not survive a long term relationship if you plug your ears and sing every time the subject comes up. You need to be willing to have conversations where you admit your feelings and state what you are comfortable with. And stick to your guns.
Stop fantasizing about the perfect guy and finding excuses. You keep going after guys who are unattainable. You need to be very honest with yourself: Do you actually want a relationship, or just the idea of a relationship? Do you want to date because you want to get married and start a family one day, or because you think you have to? Honestly, it sounds like the latter based on your threads. There is nothing wrong with staying single, but if you're serious about actually being in a relationship, it means cutting out the clueless act and being willing to go somewhat outside of your comfort zone. You need to be realistic about the kind of guy a 30 something conservative woman is going to attract and be willing to date that kind of guy. You might just be pleasantly surprised.
One word will forever give some reason to doubt you. 
