Plz help.....teenaged son's girlfriend is pregnant UPDATE ON PG 13

[luvsJack]

What kind of chance do these children have to ever become financially independent or responsible? The moms usually either don't work or work at minimum wage jobs and survive with government aid. The dads work at low income jobs also. If you really want to help your children (the parents) get a start in life either recommend adoption or let them live at home while they are going to college. But I wonder why noone advocates them getting married. Surely if they are old enough to be parents and live together, they are old enough to be married. It is a little too late to be concerned with the big wedding. It would ultimately provide a more stable home for the baby if the parents are legally commited to one another. I assume the reason most don't get married is to continue to receive government assistance.[/QUOTE]

It doesn't have to be that way. If they want to put the child up for adoption, then that is a good option; but no one should be forced to give away their child.

That last assumption seems a bit judgmental.


OP, if you are choosing to be happy about this child (or at least to accept this pregnancy) then do so, don't let anything said here make that go away. Let the decision be that of you, your husband and the couple (and her parents if that is possible). Adoption is great, if that is what everyone wants. Marriage is great, if that is what they want regardless of the baby. NO ONE should get married because of a baby. But whatever is decided must include what your son and his girlfriend want; not just that of the parents.

 

[Arielx2]

I agree that they are too young to be married but I also think they are too young to live together which is something the OP was contemplating. If the baby is her son's, he needs to consult a lawyer as soon as possible to setup up child support and visitation. If the mother is not able to raise the baby, maybe the OP's son should go for full custody and give the mom visitation. But I don't think allowing her 15 year old to live with his 17 year old girlfriend is appropriate. That is only begging for a second baby.

They managed to make the first one without living together. I don't think one is necssary for the other.

Personally I think living with his baby 24/7 could be a big reality check to the Dad. Make him get up for feedings, teething, etc.

 

[Robinrs]

Nope, as the other poster already chimed in.... wasn't me.

Look, there is a baby on the way...
The possible baby of the OP's 15 year old child.
The possible grandchild of the OP.
Nothing will change that!!!
Everyone, including me, has posted that at this point, what is done is done and the OP needs to proceed as positively as possible. (go back and re-read if you want...)

It is not that I am trying to be negative.
But, I have not heard ONE single word from the OP showing concern for her son... It is like she is almost happy (and proud) that her child is in this situation as it might provide her with an adorable baby. Not ONE word about what her son thinks. Not ONE word about how he is feeling, how her son may be being affected by all of this. Even possible criminal charges...

I feel like I am seing some huge flags that others are missing here.


Within hours of getting the news, she is talking about moving the baby and the mother into her home.

And, as more recent posts have mentioned, this boy has been with this girl since he barely passed his 14th year of age.

NOPE, as the mother of an 11 year old son who will be that age before I know it... no way will my child be given that kind of opportunity and even encouragement at that age. This is my opinion... There are those who may disagree... But, this does not make me negative or snarky.

I truly am concerned for the OP's son.

Having said that....
Let's not sidetrack this thread bickering and pointing fingers at each other... For the OP's sake... Let's post to her regarding her current situation.

Concern over my child's child IS concern for my child... is that too repetitive?

Opportunity and encouragement, how about emotional support? That comes only when you stop seeing it as a disaster and realize a child is about to be born. What happens now?

I have been through this. I saw how my parents handled it. I admired and was amazed at them. They made my sister responsible for her mistake but they made sure their grandchild was alright. Nearly 40 years later I've seen the positives of NOT being angry, vindictive judgemental and rigid. Loving the child of your own child is a blessing.

The legal and moral ramifications are a given. Being supportive through this is a gift.

OP, hang in there. And please, think twice before asking a group of anonymous people for advice. You'll get a lot of hugs... and a few bugs.

 

[kelleigh1]

Wow! This is exactly why I never post anything too personal on these boards.

Nobody knows the entire situation except the OP. Nobody knows what is going on inside the head of OP's son, except him. Nobody knows what is going on inside the head of the pregnant girl. I'd be willing to bet that they are all pretty darn confused and scared right now.

The bottom line is that there is a baby on the way and these kids all need support - all three of them - the 17yr old, the 15yr old and the unborn baby. Sounds like OP is willing to provide that support and I applaud her for that. The teens and the baby will all be better off in the long run if they have the support of the soon-to-be grandparents.

 

["Got Disney"]

Being married is yet another thing this boy is too young for. He's too young to handle being a parent, but it's too late. I doubt he's equipped to be a proper spouse. Marriage takes a pretty high level of maturity to handle as well.

Yes, I know, I know....they shouldn't have been having sex if they weren't prepared to marry. Teenagers, unfortunately, do not think this way. And you know, I don't think they ever have.

Getting married because they "have to" just seems to me like setting them up for yet another failure. Sad but true.

The ideal solution would be for her to give the baby up for adoption. But that's ultimately her decision.

ITA....except all involved need to sit down and decide this about adoption. I know if i were in this situation with my 15 y.o son, knowing Adoption would be best ...saying it and doing it are 2 different things.

It may be much easier for the kids to want to adopt out.... but the parents may feel differently, and this may become a comflict and cause a rift. She is 17 and already had the chance to abort with no one finding out... yet she didn't and kept the child.

OP I am sorry that you and both the families have this on your plate ...Something that we never want to happen to our children....what has your son said that the 2 of them talked about doing? I commend you for standing by your son. My heart goes out to them.

I think the best thing I can add is Good luck tonight....be sure to stay calm. The kids, I have no doubt, need your calmness and to know that they can rely on you as parents to help them through this. Staying calm and controlled will make them feel secure. And remember Teens have Jello for brains and their frontal lobes are not fully developed yet and that is where reasoning and commonsense come in. Their brains are in total rewire.

 

[Wishing on a star]

CI've seen the positives of NOT being angry, vindictive judgemental and rigid. Loving the child of your own child is a blessing.

REPEAT.... REPEAT..... REPEAT....

I have NEVER suggested that the OP be angry, judgmental, vindictive.. not love her 'possible' grandchild etc... I just LOVE it when people love to flame and attack and put words in others mouths.

But, ummm, if everybody wants to attack me for encouraging her to make sure that, no matter what the situation here, she is looking out for the best interests of her 15 year old child.... (which may NOT be encouraging these two kids to move too quickly, live under the same roof, etc....)... ummmm... whatever.

Other posters have posted good, and important, advice...
It is not either 'fluff a 15 year olds pillow;, or you are a cruel, judgemental, vindictive, unloving parent.

All too often parents do not 'parent' and they are, unfurtunately, living vicariously thru their kids.

So, again....this is my advice to the OP...
PUT THE BRAKES ON!!!

It is reasonable and valid advice.

 

[horseshowmom]

REPEAT.... REPEAT..... REPEAT....

I have NEVER suggested that the OP be angry, judgmental, vindictive.. etc... I just LOVE it when people love to flame and attack and put words in others mouths.

But, ummm, if everybody wants to attack me for encouraging her to make sure that, no matter what the situation here, she is looking out for the best interests of her 15 year old child.... (which may NOT be encouraging these two kids to move too quickly, live under the same roof, etc....)... ummmm... whatever.

That is my advice to the OP...
PUT THE BRAKES ON!!!

It is reasonable and valid advice.

I'm sure you mean well, but honestly, some of your posts have been putting words in the OP's mouth. I haven't read anything taht sounded like she wasn't trying to take care of her child. However, if the girl winds up in a very bad situation (such as being thrown out of her own house, heaven forbid), I think the OP is just saying that she will do what she has to do to try to look out for her future grandchild.

I'm pretty sure that I can say that the OP is NOT thrilled with the current course of events. She's just trying to find the best way to get through the situation.

Believe me, I understand your consternation at the thought of two children "moving in together", but I don't think the OP is planning on encouraging them to "play house". I think she's just trying to provide her grandchild with the care he/she needs if they decide to raise this child. Honestly, somebody has to help to try to keep the kids from becoming the stereotypes that have been described on here.

I do agree 100% that moving her in would have to be a last resort , and one I wouldn't be too happy about (but, of course, that's what the OP said as well).

 

[Inigo]

It differs between states. Some are 18, 17 and even 16. As long as the minor's parents give consent then they can't press charges.

This is completely incorrect. Parents can not give permission for their child to be raped or molested! Legally, it is child molestation, statutory rape, or sexual misconduct of a minor if he was under the age of consent. Even if he willingly took part in the sex.

 

[Robinrs]

REPEAT.... REPEAT..... REPEAT....

I have NEVER suggested that the OP be angry, judgmental, vindictive.. not love her 'possible' grandchild etc... I just LOVE it when people love to flame and attack and put words in others mouths.

But, ummm, if everybody wants to attack me for encouraging her to make sure that, no matter what the situation here, she is looking out for the best interests of her 15 year old child.... (which may NOT be encouraging these two kids to move too quickly, live under the same roof, etc....)... ummmm... whatever.

Other posters have posted good, and important, advice...
It is not either 'fluff a 15 year olds pillow;, or you are a cruel, judgemental, vindictive, unloving parent.

All too often parents do not 'parent' and they are, unfurtunately, living vicariously thru their kids.

So, again....this is my advice to the OP...
PUT THE BRAKES ON!!!

It is reasonable and valid advice.

Woooo.. who needs to put the brakes on????

 

[bunny]

The OP needs to think about the legal ramifications of her child having sex with an adult.

I agree that the OP's needs to be supportive, but I am amazed by some of these posts. Her child had sex with an adult who is now going to be prosecuted for having sex with a minor. This affair resulted in a child. The mother of the child (not the OP and not her son) gets to legally decide the child's fate whether it be abortion, adoption or keeping the baby. The mother has a bad home life. The baby will either live in this home life or live in public housing or live with the OP. If her son is too young to be a father and his brain is "jello", who is going to care for this baby if he lives with the OP? Babies cost money. Is the OP prepared to support her son, his girlfriend and this baby? Also can the girlfriend legally live with the OP without facing further criminal charges?

It is really confusing. I confused myself just typing that out. But the OP needs to realize that ultimately the baby's mother holds all the cards (at least for now). And the mother may be arrested. And then her parents will hold all the cards.

 

[RN4Babies]

OP, please remember that this baby's is your son's responsibility and not yours. He is the person who will be responsible for child support and custody arrangements. Yes, babies are wonderful and I am definitely against abortion, but your son's life (if the child is his) will be forever changed by this not only emotionally but financially. He will be responsible to give the mother at least 25% of his income for the next 18 years. If he can't do that, you will either pay it or he will go to jail. The probability that he and this girlfriend will end up together is slim to none. She (and her family) will parent this child with probably little input from your son. He may spend the next 18 years going to court with her to resolve financial and custody issues. Please make sure the baby is tested at birth to verify that he/she is really his and then go directly to a good attorney. You will probably need to start paying child support right away plus 1/2 of the daycare costs if she need daycare while she finishes school. And even if she lives with you, since they are not married, he will be on the hook for the child support. If you don't pay it, when she moves out, they will retroact it to the date of the child's birth.

I would also encourage them to give the baby up for adoption. A 15 year old is not ready to be a father. And her family doesn't sound like people you will want to deal with for the next 18 years.

Child support depends on the laws of the county where you live. In our county, 17% of the gross earnings of the parent who is ordered to pay support is deducted from their paycheck, sent to the county, who in turn sends it to the receiving parent for the child (it's 25% for two children, 33% for three, etc). Grandparents are not held liable for support, and if the ordered parent has no income he/she is not put into jail. 1/2 of daycare costs are not an additional responsibility in most cases. Again, that's my county. Yours may be different, and the OP's may be different from each of ours.

While 15/16 is very young to be a father (as 17/18 is young to be a mother), I've seen a few cases where the young parents stepped up, took care of their child, and have made it with a lot of hard work and a lot of support from family. My bff since 7th grade became pregnant at 16; her bf was 15. His family was not at all supportive, but my bff's parents allowed him to live in their home during the pregnancy and for six years afterwards. Both my friend and her bf graduated from high school with honors, received full college scholarships, and received bachelor degrees after four years of college. My friend's family (her grandma, mother and three aunts) took turns providing childcare. Fast forward 32 years; my bff has been married to her high school bf for 26 years. Their son is a pediatrician in a very busy, thriving practice. Their other two children are high achieving (20 and 22 years old) young adults.

I also work with three nurses (that I know of) who became pregnant in high school (two at age 16, one at 17). Each of them had supportive families, they lived at home while attending nursing school after high school, and each are now making a decent living and raising their children. Not all teenage parents are forever stuck in dead end jobs and receiving public assistance.

My point is that with love and support from at least one set of parents, some teenagers are responsible and mature enough to step up, grow up, and go on to lead happy, successful lives while raising their child.

OP, kudos to you for remaining calm and supportive of your ds and his gf. I don't think a teenage pregnancy is something anything would want for our children, but you are demonstrating tremendous strength and love in the face of some very trying times.

 

[bumbershoot]

I'm really sorry this has happened.

Even though babies are lovely and babies themselves shouldn't be regretted, it's a situation with complicated feelings, and to have such young, unprepared kids in this situation is, IMO, a tragedy.

I wonder if the OP would feel differently about the law, if her son were a 14-15 year old girl, faced with becoming a mother.

The laws are there to protect children who are not at least a certain age.

I agree.

I've been with my boyfriend since I was 17, and if I became pregnant and he wanted to test whether or not the baby was his, I would have been furious and the relationship would have been majorly strained. If he trusts her, it shouldn't be necessary. But that's just my opinion.

Really? DS is a honeymoon baby and there was no one else in the room (and no one at all doin' babymaking activities for almost a year before the wedding b/c I was GOING to fit into my gown), but DS and DH look so much UNalike, I've said repeatedly if there's ever ANY doubt in hubby's mind, I'd get a DNA test in a heartbeat. Wouldn't even be hurt feelings at all. Even my dad said "uh oh" when he saw pix of DS, since no one knew about the recessive genes hiding out in hubby's Korean-looking outer shell, LOL.

I've also been friends with enough men who are indeed tricked by females, then get suckered into the "the baby looks like me" nonsense only to find out after it's too late that the baby probably wasn't theirs, that I think testing should be done.

OMG...scary... When my DD is 15, I'll be 36/37. I'm so not ready for that so young! (2 yrs away).

Many women have their periods throughout the whole pregnancy.

However, I am educated and I do know that women do not have menstrual periods while pregnant.

Many women do have occasional bleeding or spotting during a pregnancy, but it is not a menstrual cycle.

There are women who have bleeding that SEEMS TO BE a period. But it's not. HOwever, when they are experiencing it, they think it is a period.

Not all women experience simple spotting. My MIL bled ALL through her pregnancy, to the point that the Gyn told her to not expect the baby to be alive. Because of that feeling, they didn't care that baby went to 44 weeks, and they didn't push her to "do something" when she went that far. The baby was born normally at 44 weeks, holding his head up from birth, climbing out of his crib *and hiding* at 9 months old...and is now my hubby.

I knew one women who had what seemed to be periods throughout...I met a woman who had what seemed like normal periods to 6 months when they stopped, and she found out she was pg...same thing happened with her SECOND baby too...absolutely wild!

So even though biologically it's correct that women don't have "periods", they can indeed have normal-seeming periodic shedding of blood, and it's OK for them to call them periods. Maybe not in a court of law, but in general discussion it's OK.

They are both 18 though but still WAY to young to be going thru this.

BTW...I'm 37 too (almost 38 when they're born but still WAY too young to be a gma!)

Now it's two people who seem to have had babies at 19 or 20, but feel that 17 and 18 is too young, and that 37 or 38 is too young to be a grandparent? Mystifying. If a person has a baby by 20, they should probably expect to be a grandparent by 40 to get their mind around it in advance, just in case... I have a friend whose whole family has babies young...while we were in school she had great GREAT grandparents...and she was pg at graduation, so assuming the great great didn't die before the baby was born, that's a whole lotta generations at once!

 

[horseshowmom]

The OP needs to think about the legal ramifications of her child having sex with an adult.

I agree that the OP's needs to be supportive, but I am amazed by some of these posts. Her child had sex with an adult who is now going to be prosecuted for having sex with a minor. This affair resulted in a child. The mother of the child (not the OP and not her son) gets to legally decide the child's fate whether it be abortion, adoption or keeping the baby. The mother has a bad home life. The baby will either live in this home life or live in public housing or live with the OP. If her son is too young to be a father and his brain is "jello", who is going to care for this baby if he lives with the OP? Babies cost money. Is the OP prepared to support her son, his girlfriend and this baby? Also can the girlfriend legally live with the OP without facing further criminal charges?

It is really confusing. I confused myself just typing that out. But the OP needs to realize that ultimately the baby's mother holds all the cards (at least for now). And the mother may be arrested. And then her parents will hold all the cards.

I understand that to a point your facts are correct, but apparently, there's actually only a year's difference between their ages (no so much the child and adult scenario). I think a prosecutor would be wasting their time on a case involving a sophomore and a junior (not to say they won't, but it's a waste of time and money).

Also, I don't know about Florida, but I know in our state, the father does have some rights (particularly when it comes to adoption).

It is a bad situation. We can agree there.

 

[disbridemimi]

I have not read all of the responses so i apologize if this is all a repeat. One important thing to keep in mind, in my state, once a guy allows his name to be put on a birth certificate he is legally responsible for child support and as the "father". If he puts his name on it, then you find out later its not his child, he is out of luck for any expenses up to that point. You can always have your name added to it later after the paternity test, I would suggest going about it in this direction. This could cause some conflict with the other family, but well you can have him added later once the tests confirm everything. Its much harder to get a name OFF than it is to get one ON.

I would keep his name off, until the paternity test is done. Im not saying it isnt his, it certainly could be baby, but unless your sure, you dont want to be legally responsble. Different states have different laws too, so you should research yours BEFORE the baby gets here and BEFORE you are in that situation. I just finished a rotation in maternity and spent a day with the birth registrar, and it was very eye opening.

 

[Aristomommy]

Just out of curiosity, how exactly would you stop it? A 15 year old is not going to be with you 24/7 and if you start telling him/her they can't see someone; that exactly when they think they cannot live without them.

I asked this very question from my friend who has raised teenagers recently. Since I have a 10yo, I don't assume I know everything. Her children were always very involved in school and after school activities (esp. at 14 or 15). Also, when their teenagers became interested in a boy or girl, the parents communicated and the expectation was that there would be a parent in the house when the kids were together. If the other parents weren't concerned about this, then the rule was that the kids would hang out at her house.

Is that a bad idea or too old fashioned? I don't know, but I am saddened that a teenager has to make a choice btw. having a baby or focusing on their own development at such young age.

 

[bunny]

Is that a bad idea or too old fashioned? I don't know, but I am saddened that a teenager has to make a choice btw. having a baby or focusing on their own development at such young age.

It is sad that her son is now facing manhood without experiencing his own youth. He will miss out on so much. You can't lock your kids up but you can tell them your rules and expectations from the start.

 

[krcit]

I asked this very question from my friend who has raised teenagers recently. Since I have a 10yo, I don't assume I know everything. Her children were always very involved in school and after school activities (esp. at 14 or 15). Also, when their teenagers became interested in a boy or girl, the parents communicated and the expectation was that there would be a parent in the house when the kids were together. If the other parents weren't concerned about this, then the rule was that the kids would hang out at her house.

Is that a bad idea or too old fashioned? I don't know, but I am saddened that a teenager has to make a choice btw. having a baby or focusing on their own development at such young age.

I think it's a great idea but it's also not going to stop kids who want to have sex from having sex. I have a 14 year old and when she starts having boyfriends, you can bet that I will not allow them to be alone in the house but unless you handcuff yourself to your child you cannot guarantee that there won't be some opportunities for some hanky-panky. talk, talk and talk some more to your kids about the consequences of sex and then just pray it gets through to them. OP, I admire your positive attitude about this whole thing and hope it all works out for the best.

 

["Got Disney"]

The OP needs to think about the legal ramifications of her child having sex with an adult.

I agree that the OP's needs to be supportive, but I am amazed by some of these posts. Her child had sex with an adult who is now going to be prosecuted for having sex with a minor. This affair resulted in a child. The mother of the child (not the OP and not her son) gets to legally decide the child's fate whether it be abortion, adoption or keeping the baby. The mother has a bad home life. The baby will either live in this home life or live in public housing or live with the OP. If her son is too young to be a father and his brain is "jello", who is going to care for this baby if he lives with the OP? Babies cost money. Is the OP prepared to support her son, his girlfriend and this baby? Also can the girlfriend legally live with the OP without facing further criminal charges?

It is really confusing. I confused myself just typing that out. But the OP needs to realize that ultimately the baby's mother holds all the cards (at least for now). And the mother may be arrested. And then her parents will hold all the cards.

The courts in cases like this will usually leave it up to the discretion of the minors parents whether to press charges against the other if the child is still under 18. If it was consensual. This happened to my niece. not the Pregnancy but the age difference.

She was 16 her Boyfriend was 19. The law said that unless she/the mom where to press charges that because it was not sex by force, or he acted as a predator and and that it was consensual with the age difference that they could do nothing.

She reported it to the police because he was a creep and she wanted her daughter away from him. My niece could also press charges but would not.

so in circumstances like this if all the young girls and boys went to jail for teen pregnancy our jails would be filled. They would rather work with the family and help them help themselves.

 

[Shmily1]

What kind of chance do these children have to ever become financially independent or responsible? The moms usually either don't work or work at minimum wage jobs and survive with government aid. The dads work at low income jobs also. If you really want to help your children (the parents) get a start in life either recommend adoption or let them live at home while they are going to college. But I wonder why noone advocates them getting married. Surely if they are old enough to be parents and live together, they are old enough to be married. It is a little too late to be concerned with the big wedding. It would ultimately provide a more stable home for the baby if the parents are legally commited to one another. I assume the reason most don't get married is to continue to receive government assistance.

What a vote of confidence!! Actually, they do stand a chance if they have a family that will be there for them and not push them aside. DD will have her baby in July and start college in August to be a CPA.

Marriage can happen when the emotions are not high with the hormones and confusion of a pregnancy. I had rather her not marry him than divorce him in a year.

BTW, DD doesn't need govt assistance. I've got her back.

 

[aprilgail2]

No offense...
I am a huge supporter of adoption!!!

But, something tells me that there is not a snowball chance in he!! that this girl is considering adoption.

And, the 15 year old father's mother is goo-goo and gaa-gaa eyed, ready to decorate a nursury and shop for baby stuff.

..sigh..

I have only read 2 pages in here. But, I wanted to suggest that instead of everyone gearing up for having a new baby that perhaps it makes more sense to encourage these children to put this baby up for adoption. Although certainly some folks with a 15 year old father do OK, I believe that the best future for this baby would be to be with grown up parents in a stable home who want to have a newborn.

Hugs to you, OP, I can imagine this must be a terribly emotional time for you. We'll be praying for your family and this little one.

I have total respect for the OP- instead of just saying "ok, lets give the baby away"- she is thinking of setting up a room for the baby and the mother!
Why oh Why would people just say "put it up for adoption" when there are flesh and blood relatives willing to raise the child!!!!