Plz help.....teenaged son's girlfriend is pregnant UPDATE ON PG 13

[sbell111]

The OP needs to think about the legal ramifications of her child having sex with an adult. ...

Your post went on, but most of it was based on this point that really should be addressed.

According to the OP, the son was 15 at conception and will be 16 at delivery. His girlfriend is currently 17 and will be 17 at delivery. She hasn't stated that the girlfriend was 17 at the time of conception. It is very likely that she was, in fact, 16 when they 'did the deed'. Last time I checked (and I admit that this issue hasn't been important to me for the last 26 years), it is not illegal for a 16 year old to have consensual sex with a 15 year old.

It should also be noted that many jurisdictions have qualifications in the law that would allow for a 17 year old (above the age of consent) to have sex with a 15 year old (below the age of consent) without being guilty of statutory rape (or whatever this crime is called in that jurisdiction). Based on the laws of the jurisdiction, these qualifications include, but are not limited to, both parties being minors, the individuals are close in age, or parentl consent is given. Yes, some states allow the parents to give consent. These states include Connecticut, Delaware, Idaho, Iowa, Massachusetts, Montana, South Carolina, Utah, Wyoming, and possibly others. Also, if the OP lived in Hawaii, this would all be moot since the age on consent there is 14.

 

[RN4Babies]

I asked this very question from my friend who has raised teenagers recently. Since I have a 10yo, I don't assume I know everything. Her children were always very involved in school and after school activities (esp. at 14 or 15). Also, when their teenagers became interested in a boy or girl, the parents communicated and the expectation was that there would be a parent in the house when the kids were together. If the other parents weren't concerned about this, then the rule was that the kids would hang out at her house.

Is that a bad idea or too old fashioned? I don't know, but I am saddened that a teenager has to make a choice btw. having a baby or focusing on their own development at such young age.

If teenagers want to have sex, they will find a way for it to happen. DS was 16 when he had a gf who was 17 (he was a virgin; she was not
) I called the gf's parents after they had been dating for about 3 weeks. We agreed that they would be allowed to see each other in our homes only if a parent was there as well. The gf's parents worked full time M-F daytime. DS was on the hs baseball team that summer; he had hours of practice every day, a part time job, etc....very busy, but he and the gf found time to have sex during the day when her parents were at work. (I found out about it by accident...whole other story!).

We were all teens at one point, and we all know if there's a will there's a way. I've taken care of babies with moms who are as young as 12 years old. Kids are out there having sex (oral, intercourse, etc) as young as middle school. As concerned parents all we can do is to be constantly reminding our kids that abstinence is best, that if you choose to have sex that you need to make sure you use protection against pregnancy and STD's, we need to teach our sons how to use a condom, that there are serious emotional issues and expectations around having sex, and that if a pregnancy insues that there can be serious legal and financial implications that last the rest of your life. I in no way condone teens having sex, but I think we're fooling ourselves if we think we "won't allow it" or "that won't be my child."

Sorry for the hijack.......

 

[cteddiesgirl]

Hi! Just a word of advice...if you are going to have paternity testing done;make sure your son doesn't sign any paternity type papers when the baby is born for the birth certificate. It will be easier to get his name added to the birth certificate later as the father than it will to get it removed later. Once he signs those papers he will be legally obligated to the baby. It will probably entail a court order to get him OFF the certificate and remove his legal obligation. Good Luck to you all.

Well, in Indiana, no matter what, the baby's father has to be named within 72 hours of the birth to be put on the birth certificate. Otherwise, there has to be a court order to put his name on. If the OP's state has similar laws, it really wouldn't matter unless they don't do a paternity test.

Nope that was me. I also gave up a child for adoption as a teen.

As a person who gave up a kid for adoption, I can tell you that most people will look you dead in the eye and say "I could never give away my child/grandchild".

So there is just not alot of support for adoption out there anymore, to answer the question of why don't teens give up their kids anymore.

That and it's now considered quite common for a teen to have a baby and keep it. It's no longer a taboo and something to be ashamed about. So adoption is really not considered much anymore.

That being said, I really do wish that more teens would consider adoption more seriously. While not all teens make poor parents, many do. Many times, the grandparents end up rasing the child.

My own niece got pregnant (on purpose) when she was 15. She eventually had to let the father's mother raise the child and the child is still with her today. Then my niece got pregnant again at 18, had twins and now those 2 are with their father's parents.

My niece did graduate high school and she's still trying to get her life together, but even at almost 24, she's still got it rough. She also has problems with the grandparents and being able to see her kids.
I've hardly seen any of them. None of them really know me.

What kind of chance do these children have to ever become financially independent or responsible? The moms usually either don't work or work at minimum wage jobs and survive with government aid. The dads work at low income jobs also. If you really want to help your children (the parents) get a start in life either recommend adoption or let them live at home while they are going to college.

My niece now has a somewhat decent job. But that's only because she's doing interpreting for the deaf at a hospital. She has had that skill since she was a baby due to both her parents being deaf. Most teen parents don't have those types of skills and many may never even graduate high school let alone go to college.

 

[KimD]

I'm really sorry this has happened.

Now it's two people who seem to have had babies at 19 or 20, but feel that 17 and 18 is too young, and that 37 or 38 is too young to be a grandparent? Mystifying. If a person has a baby by 20, they should probably expect to be a grandparent by 40 to get their mind around it in advance, just in case... I have a friend whose whole family has babies young...while we were in school she had great GREAT grandparents...and she was pg at graduation, so assuming the great great didn't die before the baby was born, that's a whole lotta generations at once!

Happy to have Mystified you!

I thought that myself having a child at 20 was too young as well...but I did it. WE did it...DH and I have been married over 18 years this past April...you can do the math . Doesn't mean that I don't think my 18 y/o son is too young too. I would've preferred it didn't happen so early but I certainly didn't EXPECT it...that's going a little far...IMO. We all want the best for our children and I hope that by providing the support they both need with the decisions that they have made we will make the best of this situation and they will be as sucessful as my DH and I have been. I honestly hope you don't think that all mom's who've had children by 20 are fully expecting to become grandparents by 40...that is simply ridiculous.

Thanks for your thought though!

 

[Principessa1284]

I will throw myself on the "been there" bandwagon. While I've never gotten pregnant, I was dating a 15 year old when I was 17. To our credit, when we met, it was over a summer and both of us had assumed the other was the same age as ourselves. Though, when we found out how old the other was, it was too late to care. Yes, we had sex. Did our parents know? Nope. Was there a chance that I'd get pregnant? Yep. We just used protection and tried to be as careful as we could, knowing that something things happen even when you use protection. I'm sure, to this day, that good ol' mom still thinks I've got that v-card intact, even though I've had several serious boyfriends and am in my mid-twenties. Us and our circle of friends frequently had co-ed sleepovers at eachother's houses - with parental supervisor, of course. What's funny is that nothing ever happened at any of those sleepovers except maybe a little kissing. We usually had sex right after school, before our parents got home from work... same thing with most of my friends who had significant others.

With that being said, we were both virgins when we met and were totally and head-over-heels in (puppy)love with eachother, and never ever slept with anyone else while we were together.

So, not all teenagers sleep around and lie to everyone about it.. but if they want to have sex, reguardless of background or upbringing, they're going to find a way to make it happen. Sometimes they get STDs, sometimes they get pregnant, so the best thing to do (from the prospective of an aunt of 9 kids and a former teenager) is to, as a PP said, talk to them about abstinence being the best option, but provide them with all the necessary information about protection and also about the risks.

So, someone still gets pregnant now and then. Whoops. Good parents, bad parents, it really doesn't matter. It's too late at this point for semantics. I've never had children, but my best advice to you, OP, is to give the kids all the information from every angle that they need to make a decision. Both adoption and keeping the baby have long-term emotional rammifications, so these kids really need to decide what they think is best and they can't do that without acurate and honest information and advice. Then once they make a decision, be supportive the best way that you can be. But also, don't be over-the-top and make them think that you'll do all the work once the little guy/girl pops out (even if you're more than happy to help).

that's my 2 cents. to you, MizTink. I know it's a hard time. But some of a best friends were "oopsie babies" from young or teenaged parents, and I honestly couldn't imagine life without them.

 

[MariDisney]

I have total respect for the OP- instead of just saying "ok, lets give the baby away"- she is thinking of setting up a room for the baby and the mother!
Why oh Why would people just say "put it up for adoption" when there are flesh and blood relatives willing to raise the child!!!!

Because I don't consider putting a baby for adoption so much as "giving it away" but more "giving it the best chance there is". As I said, in some situations children of teenage parents are just fine. But, in many (and I would bet more) the teenagers aren't ready to parent. I know I certainly wasn't at 15 or 17. As someone who is very close to families with adopted children I see just how perfect the situation can be. Those children I know are with families who are emotionally and financially prepared to support the children they adopt.

I don't think this situations would result in "flesh and blood relatives raising the child". The teenage parents would be the 1st line of parenting, most likely, and I don't feel like people that age are ready to make the right decisions. The relatives would really be the 2nd line, so to speak.

 

[pickles521]

Because I don't consider putting a baby for adoption so much as "giving it away" but more "giving it the best chance there is"...... <snipped>.

I've read this thread the whole way through. I applaud the OP for handling a unintended situation as well as she can. All involved are going to need a lot of support. I think that since the first level of "damage" - getting pregnant - is done, support is really the best a parent can offer.

If it is decided that the couple will keep the baby, and the girl's parents turn out to be unsupportive, then I applaud OPs intent to support even more. All three - mother, father and baby will need all the help and support they can get.

However - isn't there always a however! - I have to agree with MariDisney that adoption is less "giving the baby away" than "giving the baby the best chance". It's admirable that blood relatives are interested in raising the baby, but is that really the best option? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Only those blood relatives can decide that - and then the parents will have to decide that they agree. As someone who has witnessed a "willing blood relative" raising a baby, i'm not sure I'd recommend it (though, of course, all situations are different). The parents always wanted to have a say in the baby's life. The parents wanted to help, and then started the "no - you go on and go to school. I'll take care of the baby." then eventually turned into "who do you think you are? You have no right to this child. Where were you when he needed fed and changed? You think because you were in school that it's forgivable??" It caused a lot of hard feelings and a lot of damage. The baby was raised well and loved well - but the baby's parents were a different story. They thought they were getting willing help, but it turned out they were being giving the chance to provide ammuntion against themselves. And - they said they never had a true place in the family anymore. Some of that was their doing, some was the blood relatives. All in all, a sad situation. I think, in this example, adoption would have been a WAAAAAAY better option.

I also share adoption experiences with MariDisney - all the people I know who have adopted are financially and emotional ready for a baby. These people have given some mother's child everything that mother couldn't or wouldn't . These adopted children are loved beyond belief - and raised to be amazing people in their own right. The mothers that find the strength to give their children a better chance are amazing. It's a gift that is impossible to imagine having the strength to give, but the benefits reaped are unparalelled.

Anyway - best of luck to OP. I hope it turns out well for everyone.

 

[minkydog]

OP, you have my total sympathy. This has to be a bombshell for you all. I hope you and her parents can have a productive conversation and support these kids no matter what they decide. I'm waiting now to find out if my DS22's 17yo GF is pregnant. All legal in Florida

 

[raysnkaysmom]

What kind of chance do these children have to ever become financially independent or responsible? The moms usually either don't work or work at minimum wage jobs and survive with government aid. The dads work at low income jobs also. If you really want to help your children (the parents) get a start in life either recommend adoption or let them live at home while they are going to college. But I wonder why noone advocates them getting married. Surely if they are old enough to be parents and live together, they are old enough to be married. It is a little too late to be concerned with the big wedding. It would ultimately provide a more stable home for the baby if the parents are legally commited to one another. I assume the reason most don't get married is to continue to receive government assistance.

This is another ignorant mentality. Not every child is a statistic, not every parent goes the same route as others. Give someone a chance before condeming them to the future you expect them to have? When I was in HS, my friend got pregnant at 15. Luckily her parents were supportive (the babys father not so much) and she finished high school, went to nursing school and got her degree. Due to a health issue, she had to leave nursing, now she's an asst mgr at Home Depot making very good money to raise her son who is now 16.
And, marriage isn't for the kids, its for the couple. You don't HAVE to get married to be a good person or to raise good kids. (Yes, of course I believe it is ideal, but not a blanket solution)

You think it is sad and rude to want a 15 year old boy to establish paternity??

No, I meant its sad for some to *assume* that she is/was cheating. Not every young couple or unmarried couple is out sleeping around. If they both say the baby is his, why assume it's not?

 

[C.Ann]

Any baby is a blessing - a gift from God..

I hope it works out for all of you..

 

[PrincessKsMom]

While I think every available option should be discussed, I'm curious as to why some feel adoption is the end all/be all answer? Just as I think it's unfair to assume all teen parents are incapable and will only be unfit parents, I also think it's unfair to assume that every adoption ends with the new family riding into the sunset while the teens go on about their lives as if nothing has happened. Why should these kids and their parents assume that strangers will take better care of their child than they will? What about the emotional implications of putting your child up for adoption, not only for the teens, but for the child itself?

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Just out of curiosity, how exactly would you stop it? A 15 year old is not going to be with you 24/7 and if you start telling him/her they can't see someone; that exactly when they think they cannot live without them.

The PP child is 10....we'll see how they handle 15
You can try....but you don't always succeed.

There are women who have bleeding that SEEMS TO BE a period. But it's not. HOwever, when they are experiencing it, they think it is a period.

Not all women experience simple spotting. My MIL bled ALL through her pregnancy, to the point that the Gyn told her to not expect the baby to be alive. Because of that feeling, they didn't care that baby went to 44 weeks, and they didn't push her to "do something" when she went that far. The baby was born normally at 44 weeks, holding his head up from birth, climbing out of his crib *and hiding* at 9 months old...and is now my hubby.

I knew one women who had what seemed to be periods throughout...I met a woman who had what seemed like normal periods to 6 months when they stopped, and she found out she was pg...same thing happened with her SECOND baby too...absolutely wild!

So even though biologically it's correct that women don't have "periods", they can indeed have normal-seeming periodic shedding of blood, and it's OK for them to call them periods. Maybe not in a court of law, but in general discussion it's OK.

and...as far as this goes.... to a woman who has her period...bleeding monthly feels like a period. We dont' know the difference if it continues through pregnancy. Wiki Answers conflicts itself with yes and no's.. but again, without reading doctors pages, if we think we're having our period while pregnant, that's what we think. Not sure why legalsea feels the need to negate it Medical terms, bah

 

[chobie]

While I think every available option should be discussed, I'm curious as to why some feel adoption is the end all/be all answer? Just as I think it's unfair to assume all teen parents are incapable and will only be unfit parents, I also think it's unfair to assume that every adoption ends with the new family riding into the sunset while the teens go on about their lives as if nothing has happened. Why should these kids and their parents assume that strangers will take better care of their child than they will? What about the emotional implications of putting your child up for adoption, not only for the teens, but for the child itself?

Exactly. Adoptive parents neglect, abuse, and even sometimes murder their children too. I would want to keep my grandchildren in the family even if it meant I had raise them.

 

[pickles521]

While I think every available option should be discussed, I'm curious as to why some feel adoption is the end all/be all answer? <snipped>

I'll take a stab at this. I think adoption can be an amazing option, for all involved. I think having grandma/aunt/brother/other blood relative raise the baby can be an amazing option for all involved. I think keeping the baby and raising it themselves (hopefully with needed support) can be an amazing option for all involved. I don't personally think abortion should be a choice, but it's not my child and it's not my life. It's still a choice and perhaps it's the right choice for someone.

So - all of these options can be amazing with brilliant outcomes. And all of them can be horrible for some or all of the participants. They all have pitfalls and all could have results anywhere along the spectrum from amazing to horrible disaster. I think all should be considered as an option and consciously thought about/considered/discussed – whatever the appropriate word is. I just don’t think any of them should be dismissed out of hand because it’s not an expected action anymore. It seemed to me that adoption was not being considered in this public discussion because, in the past, teenagers were expected to choose adoption, so we don’t want to do what they did in the past. Well... to me, we don’t want to do what was done in the past is a lousy reason not to choose something. Adoption (or keeping the baby or choosing a blood relative…) may not be the right choice, but the reason it’s not the right choice should be thought out and considered.

We are all shaped by our experiences, and my personal experiences with adoption have all been very good. My personal experience with teen parents and family raising a baby have mostly been bad. Some very bad - though a couple turned out well. I'm bound to wonder why adoption isn't considered in this situation, just as someone who has had a bad adoption experience or experiences would likely wonder why someone would even consider adoption.

I’m not on the “adoption all the way!” bus. I’m on the “consider all available options and choose the best for your personal situation” bus. I was just a bit concerned that one option wasn’t being considered because of past stigma.

 

[Butwhyistherumgone?]

However - isn't there always a however! - I have to agree with MariDisney that adoption is less "giving the baby away" than "giving the baby the best chance". It's admirable that blood relatives are interested in raising the baby, but is that really the best option? Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Only those blood relatives can decide that - and then the parents will have to decide that they agree. As someone who has witnessed a "willing blood relative" raising a baby, i'm not sure I'd recommend it (though, of course, all situations are different). The parents always wanted to have a say in the baby's life. The parents wanted to help, and then started the "no - you go on and go to school. I'll take care of the baby." then eventually turned into "who do you think you are? You have no right to this child. Where were you when he needed fed and changed? You think because you were in school that it's forgivable??" It caused a lot of hard feelings and a lot of damage. The baby was raised well and loved well - but the baby's parents were a different story. They thought they were getting willing help, but it turned out they were being giving the chance to provide ammuntion against themselves. And - they said they never had a true place in the family anymore. Some of that was their doing, some was the blood relatives. All in all, a sad situation. I think, in this example, adoption would have been a WAAAAAAY better option.

I also share adoption experiences with MariDisney - all the people I know who have adopted are financially and emotional ready for a baby. These people have given some mother's child everything that mother couldn't or wouldn't . These adopted children are loved beyond belief - and raised to be amazing people in their own right. The mothers that find the strength to give their children a better chance are amazing. It's a gift that is impossible to imagine having the strength to give, but the benefits reaped are unparalelled.

Anyway - best of luck to OP. I hope it turns out well for everyone.

Excellent post!
I have a friend at work that would never have become a mother if there had not been a wonderful teenage couple that realized they were too young to be parents and not able give the child the life they wanted her to have. I have so much respect for the birth parents. I know it was a hard decision but they did what was best for their child.

 

[aprilgail2]

I would want to keep my grandchildren in the family even if it meant I had raise them.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Just jumping in to say, if you think the parents being home will prevent kids from doing anything sexual, you'd best hope they don't have a finished basement. A great vast majority of my high school intercourse was performed while my or the guy's parents were home with us.

 

[Disney Doll]

Ohhhh, I am sending hugs.

I agree that the best advice is to remember that your son has a CHILD involved here. (your grandchild) That has to be the overriding focus. That should help you see how you want to proceed.

The girl's parents can want to keep these two apart. But, if they are the parents of a child... that ain't gonna go far.

However, I did want to say that I am not one to scoff and become angry about the statutory rape laws.

They are in place to protect children.
Even from their 'classmates'....
17-18 year olds do not need to be having sex with 14-15 year old children. Sadly, the OP is experiencing the consequences. I wonder if the OP would feel differently about the law, if her son were a 14-15 year old girl, faced with becoming a mother.

The laws are there to protect children who are not at least a certain age. I think the age of consent in my state is 16... I believe that in my state it is 14 years of age to be considered a crime, sex with a minor child... But IMHO 15 years of age is not unreasonable.

I am going to beg to differ. I went out with a 17 year old boy when I was 15. Had I ended up pregnant, it would have been because he and I made a stupid choice...to have sex when we weren't ready for the consequences, but I would have not been able, in any way, to call him a predator. There would have been no rape involved. At 15, I knew what it took not to get pregnant.

 

[Planogirl]

I personally think that statutory rape laws are ridiculous. I can see prosecuting a 50 year old who slept with a 14 year but these are just kids only a few years apart. It cheapens the term sexual predator when that label is slapped on a teenager in cases like these IMO.

To the OP, I admire your attitude. I hope that this can be resolved to everyone's satisfaction.

 

[Aristomommy]

The PP child is 10....we'll see how they handle 15
You can try....but you don't always succeed.

I started my post by saying how old my child was. No rolleyes needed, thankyouverymuch.

I also spoke about dear friends who have BTDT and successfully raised teenagers who did not have sex or practiced safe sex. I don't think it's just a fluke which kids get pregnant and which ones don't. This is not to blame the parents, but as a mom I want to be educated on the facts when the time comes for me. Why allow two 14-15 year olds to spend time alone unsupervised and ask them to make adult decisions when hormones are raging? Will some sneak off? Sure, but it doesn't mean a parent shouldn't enforce the rules the best of their abilities. In my circle of friends the ones who ended up pregnant were either 1. unsupervised after school or 2. from very strict homes (religious many times) where sex wasn't discussed. Purely anecdotal, but I learned from this.

75% of teen moms were the product of teen pregnancies themselves. So we will continue to see 30-something grandmas more frequently I'm sure. One of my patients was a grandma at 31, I can't imagine being grandma myself