Parents of girls: Having THE talk

[mjkacmom]

My kids get a book, It's So Amazing, around their 10th birthday. By the time they're 11, we have had so many random talks (tv makes a great starting point), that we can talk about STD's, pregnancy, respect for our bodies, etc., without embarrassment. I truly believe that "a talk" would be painful, but ongoing discussion keeps a door open once they rest have shut, around 13 or so.

 

[mjkacmom]

It should be on a "need to know basis".

I'm curious what that means/ I assume that girls who are capable of becoming pregnant should have pretty much ALL the information. I know in our JH (in a very nice community), girls are giving bjs left and right. It's not sex, right? I made the mistake of not telling dd13 about getting her period until she was 10 (I can't believe the subject never came up). She was SO angry, because, of course, she had heard things, and didn't know what they were talking about!

 

[TJ's Mom]

I agree that it helps to answer as you go along. My daughter, who was in 5th grade last year, knew periods and parts and all that. She was asking a lot of questions one day - very specific questions. Using puzzle pieces helped explain a lot of those questions if you get what I mean.

 

[luvmy3]

I'm curious what that means/ I assume that girls who are capable of becoming pregnant should have pretty much ALL the information. I know in our JH (in a very nice community), girls are giving bjs left and right. It's not sex, right? I made the mistake of not telling dd13 about getting her period until she was 10 (I can't believe the subject never came up). She was SO angry, because, of course, she had heard things, and didn't know what they were talking about!

I was surprised that when I told dd about her period that none of her friends had ever mentioned anything to her about it. I called some of their mom's and told them I told dd and to expect some questions from their dd's. One even asked why I told her so young and didn't want her to dd to know right now. I told dd not to say anything to this girl but I couldn't believe it. All I could think of was Carrie


Someone told me there was an AG book like the care and keeping book that talks about sex. Does anyone know if this is true?

 

[barkley]

it's been 'talks' for years for dd as well.

i'm glad to read in this thread that this is a common practice-i can't count the number of women i encountered in social services whose dd's had become pregnant at insanely young ages (before they had the chance to have a period)-largly because the parents believed they did'nt have to address the concept until their dd's had their first period. time and time again i would have to explain that their dd's first period was indicating their dd was ALREADY fertile (it is an indication afterall that they've been cycling and have'nt become pregnant).

 

[blanq]

It was never a "talk" in our house. It was TALKS. Start young- with what they can handle. Then add as they get older.
My daughter was asking ?'s at 5 so I gave her the basics. Now at 12 she has the majority of the information. Opening the communication young makes it not as scary as a one stop talk.

ITA that there should be talks, and many of them. Kids often will start asking questions about body parts, differences between boys and girls, at a fairly young age, and then their questions and curiosity continues from there. Our DS is 16 and we have been having talks on a regular basis since he was about 6 and they continue to this day. There are the mechanics/information issues, but I feel the most important discussions center on our beliefs and values. For example, how we would like our son to treat girls, how to avoid getting into situations he might regret, the purpose of dating, respecting and honoring girls, etc. Both my DH and I talk to our son equally about these issues, and since we have always been open, and make these discussions no more or less important than any other issues we discuss, our DS is comfortable talking to etiher of us about these things. Our DS will sometimes ask us questions now, or want to talk about something specific, but sometimes me or his dad just initiate a conversation, ask how he is doing, ask if he struggling with anything, etc.

I have never really understood the belief that some have that moms need to talk to girls and dads need to talk to guys...both parents perspectives and input is needed no matter the sex of the child.

 

[My2Cinderellas]

As the mother of girls 11 and 9, I've done a lot of the same things mentioned here already. My oldest especially learns by reading - so the books come in really handy. They also provide a jumping off point for any questions.

Age 8 or 9 - The Care and Keeping of You Discusses menstruation and how the body changes. Does not mention sex.

Age 10 or 11 - It's So Amazing Uses nude cartoon drawings (no photos) to discuss both male and female body changes, sex, pregnancy. Very complete information. The Amazon listing says ages 7 and up, my DD's weren't asking these kinds of questions at age 7 so didn't feel we needed to go into this much detail at that age.

Ages 12 to 14 - It's Perfectly Normal Same authors/illustrators as It's So Amazing. Gives the same info as the previous book, but expands on it. Discusses emotions, various ways to have sex, homosexuality, birth control, abortion (subject handled very carefully and refers the reader to parents/religious leaders) rape including date rape, and incest. Amazon says for ages 10-14 but I think 10 is a bit young for the intensity of some of these topics.

 

[The Orchid]

My daughter and I talked about sex from the time she was five years old. One day she came home from school and asked what a boy looked like. I took my anatomy book off the shelf and showed her. It was quite matter-of-fact and non eventful; no different from any other question she could ask. That was the beginning of her feeling like she could ask me everything. She and I have always discussed sex, drugs, alcohol, smoking, peer pressure and many other things...and without embarrassment.

My advice is to start young and never be afraid or embarrassed to answer their questions. Remember, your daughter will be your best friend many years from now after she's all grown up! She is the person, after your partner, who you should never feel embarrassed around. Don't be rigid, too preachy, or scared. If you are comfortable and confident, your child will believe everything you say and that is very important! You don't want her doubting you and running to her friends for info. Also, try very hard to never be shocked or disgusted by any question she asks you. That is very important! One more thing, books are good supplements, but they do not replace parent/child talks.

My daughter is 18 now and has gone through her childhood and puberty very easily. No trouble at all. I really, really believe that her being well informed was a huge benefit. I also believe that her feeling like she could talk to me about anything under the sun also helped a lot. Keep the lines of communication wide open and everything will be great!

 

[MAKmom]

I'm curious what that means/ I assume that girls who are capable of becoming pregnant should have pretty much ALL the information. I know in our JH (in a very nice community), girls are giving bjs left and right. It's not sex, right? I made the mistake of not telling dd13 about getting her period until she was 10 (I can't believe the subject never came up). She was SO angry, because, of course, she had heard things, and didn't know what they were talking about!

I agree girls who are capable of becoming pregnant need all the information.

In Middle School you need to have the Oral Sex talk too. You also need to tell them about telling boys how to handle things on their own.

This is need to know. At 5 answer question in a vague manor. Do not volunteer more than is asked. If a 7 year old keeps asking keep answering without giving too much graphic info up.

I have a friend who told her girls everything when they were 5. IMO too much information for a child to have about their parents.

 

[::Snow_White::]

My mom never gave me the talk. I ended up learning it all from school and friends. We've still never brought the subject up or anything, I never asked so she never told and everything was fine. You learn a lot at school and health class.

 

[Sleestack]

OP here. I meant the sex talk. The period talk has been happening gradually over the years. I meant the nitty gritty sex talk. This looks like that. This happends to it when you this-that-the other and then it goes there. That kind of thing. I mean the actual mechanics of it. I dont think kids are ready at 9, but when the other kids start telling stuff, I guess you have no choice. Darn big mouth kids. I wasnt ready for this yet. I wondered if other parents were thinking 9 was ok and they were giving such a talk? Or how were their kids coming along this line of info.

 

[MAKmom]

OP here. I meant the sex talk. The period talk has been happening gradually over the years. I meant the nitty gritty sex talk. This looks like that. This happends to it when you this-that-the other and then it goes there. That kind of thing. I mean the actual mechanics of it. I dont think kids are ready at 9, but when the other kids start telling stuff, I guess you have no choice. Darn big mouth kids. I wasnt ready for this yet. I wondered if other parents were thinking 9 was ok and they were giving such a talk? Or how were their kids coming along this line of info.

Middle School.

 

[Sleestack]

Middle School.

Even if other kids are telling stuff and giving details?

That feels like they are getting info (some right some wrong all too much!) at 9 but I'll clear it all up at 12.

 

[MAKmom]

Well I would ask what they heard but you have to act cool about. Have a poker face. Get names,but don't freak out...until later lol. I would ask where that kid got her information.

If some freak kid is telling detailed info at 9 I would be concerned how they got the info. You will have to clear up any wrong info.

If you do tell your kids young about everything tell them not to tell everyone else. It is kind of like the Santa Clause thing. Tell your kid but tell them not to tell all the little kids.

 

[IDoDis]

Well I would ask what they heard but you have to act cool about. Have a poker face. Get names,but don't freak out...until later lol. I would ask where that kid got her information.

If some freak kid is telling detailed info at 9 I would be concerned how they got the info. You will have to clear up any wrong info.

If you do tell your kids young about everything tell them not to tell everyone else. It is kind of like the Santa Clause thing. Tell your kid but tell them not to tell all the little kids.

Ahh, ummm... Like that's going to happen. My kids have had kids in their classes at school that have been telling them there's no Santa since 1st grade. When children get juicy info they want to share it, hence the 9 year old "freak" is sharing what his parents explained to him/her.

My DS had been pretty oblivious to sex until last night. Since he wasn't asking and it wasn't even in his radar, we hadn't discussed much with him other than changes that happen to the body at puberty. Now he wants to know how a woman gets pregnant, so we are opening up the discussion. DH also took him to the library today to check out a couple of books. Just because a 9 year old knows how things happen, that doesn't make him/her a freak.

 

[laurie31]

If some freak kid is telling detailed info at 9 I would be concerned how they got the info. You will have to clear up any wrong info.

Just because a 9 year old knows how things happen, that doesn't make him/her a freak.

I think maybe what MAKmom is referring to as "freaky" is the too-detailed information that comes not from a talk with Mom, but from...shall we say...personal experience.

I've seen examples twice just recently. One - a 4th grade class was assigned to write a paper describing something they do well. It could be anything, from playing an instrument or sport, to making a sandwich. One kid described...um...doing the deed. In graphic detail.

The other example is something I can't even figure out how to say on the DIS. but I wouldn't want even my 13 year old knowing about that kind of thing, much less my 10 year old. Heck, I wish *I* didn't know!

And yes, the police and social services were called.

 

[EMom]

I had a different spin put on this yesterday. I'll change all the names.

DD9 (4th grade) came home and was telling me about her day. She mentioned a boy named "Matt." She said Matt wanted to be a girl. I asked how she knew that. Had he said....

I wish I was a girl.
You're lucky you're a girl.
I want to be a girl.

Those could mean different things. She said, "He says he wants to be a girl all the time. He ties his shirt up in back. (knotted above the waist of his pants) Sometimes, Joe says it too, but it's mainly Matt." After she illustrated the tied up shirt, the mental picture said it all. She went on to let me know her friend, Emma, had a crush on Matt, but he did not return it. With as straight a face as I could muster, I told her Emma might want to move on to having a crush on a different boy since Matt did not feel the same about her.

At least I can handle this one. We had a family friend (born male, now lives as a woman....although I have no idea if thee sex change ever happened) who was a few years older than I was, and so "a boy who wants to be a girl" was a fact of life for our family. I figure I'll leave this topic alone since Matt may just be going through a stage, but if it turns out Matt is like my family friend, at least I'm on familiar ground. With our friend, it was not a stage. My mother said from the time he was a toddler, you knew he was different. But back in the 60s, they just didn't quite know what "the difference" was.

Birds and bees, I expected. My male friend wants to be a girl sort of surprised me.

 

[SC Minnie]

OP here. I meant the sex talk. The period talk has been happening gradually over the years. I meant the nitty gritty sex talk. This looks like that. This happends to it when you this-that-the other and then it goes there. That kind of thing. I mean the actual mechanics of it. I dont think kids are ready at 9, but when the other kids start telling stuff, I guess you have no choice. Darn big mouth kids. I wasnt ready for this yet. I wondered if other parents were thinking 9 was ok and they were giving such a talk? Or how were their kids coming along this line of info.

Talk to her now. Find out what information was shared at school then correct what she was told. Most of it was probably not right. Talk matter of fact and not like its a big secret and you are super embarrassed. The more open and honest you are about correcting misinformation the better.

 

[NMAmy]

I think maybe what MAKmom is referring to as "freaky" is the too-detailed information that comes not from a talk with Mom, but from...shall we say...personal experience.

I can't decide what I find more bothersome--that someone would refer to a child who has been abused as a freak or that they would refer to a child as a freak whose parents have explained the workings of their body to that child at a young age.

If you explain things to your child when they're younger, they'll internalize that information. A child of 8, 9, or 10 is much more likely to listen to you and take your information to heart than the same child at 12 or 13 when they think their mother is the dumbest person on the planet. If you're honest with them when they're young, they'll know you're being honest with them when they're older. And if you've discussed things matter of factly with them all along, they'll know you won't be embarassed by questions when they're teens.

 

[mjkacmom]

I can't decide what I find more bothersome--that someone would refer to a child who has been abused as a freak or that they would refer to a child as a freak whose parents have explained the workings of their body to that child at a young age.

If you explain things to your child when they're younger, they'll internalize that information. A child of 8, 9, or 10 is much more likely to listen to you and take your information to heart than the same child at 12 or 13 when they think their mother is the dumbest person on the planet. If you're honest with them when they're young, they'll know you're being honest with them when they're older. And if you've discussed things matter of factly with them all along, they'll know you won't be embarassed by questions when they're teens.

This is so true! Childhood experts really do suggest talking to your children about sexuality before the age of 10. As a mom of a dd13, by the time she was 12, I was already getting eye rolls and attitude. If I had waited until 12, not only would she still be very misinformed about a lot of things, but she would definitely have NOT talked openly about these issues.

Really folks, by the age of 12, the majority of kids know about intercourse, but those who were informed by their peers instead of their parents might have some wrong information.