Parents of girls: Having THE talk

[missypie]

When my D was in 5th grade, she had some sex questions. When I told her what happens to a guy's anatomy when he gets excited, she laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed...I thought she'd never stop.

 

[MissFitt]

I laughed when I saw this thread b/c DH always kids with his dad that he is still waiting for Dad to have that talk with him...To avoid that in our immediate family, our little ones are always getting their questions answered with correct names for body parts, period related things, etc.

 

[pearlieq]

I can't decide what I find more bothersome--that someone would refer to a child who has been abused as a freak or that they would refer to a child as a freak whose parents have explained the workings of their body to that child at a young age.

I agree. I think both interpretations are quite offensive.

I absolutely don't agree with telling kids just the bare minimum to shut them up. I think they need to be told as much as they're willing to take in--"need to know" is completely wrong, in my book. They "need to know" as much as possible, in an age-appropriate way.

Kids hear things and retain things much earlier than we expect, or would like them to. I've got one friend who can't talk to her kids about sex who is horrified that her 8 year old was playing around with his goldfish crackers and told his friends they were having sex. Does she think he's been living in some kind of bubble or something? It's so backward.

Kids should start hearing the basics as soon as the start showing curiosity about it, likely around pre-school age. As they get older, the conversations can start being less mechanical/biological and more about feelings, ethics, and choices.

 

[clutter]

In Middle School you need to have the Oral Sex talk too. You also need to tell them about telling boys how to handle things on their own.

Funny, I've had talks with dd over the years. (Not that she's wanted to know sometimes! ) But I realized yesterday as I was going to pick her up at a friend's sleepover that I need to have that talk, too. I don't know if it's covered in health. Right now, my dd has zero interest in boys. I'm thinking that this talk will push that back for a bit!!!

 

[AntePrincess]

Seeing as my daughter is three, there are no talks yet, but we don't maintain an aura of mystery on the subject. There are various books on our bookshelves that cover hygiene, physiology, pregnancy, technique, health, novels with a sex scene or two in them, and ethics/philosophy. Books that are above her pay grade are also out of her reach on the shelves. Sex and related topics are a part of casual conversation in our household, and likewise at our regular get togethers with friends and family (both adults and children). Naturally, no one's talking about the details of their wild weekend or anything like that, but we've discussed public pregnancies and made pronouncements on whether we think mutual acquaintances are being ethical in some escapade or other. We've talked about monogamy and infidelity, disease, and mostly topics of sexual ethics. Honestly, how else would the children learn about our values on the subject? (Obviously, most of these conversations may be in the kids' presence, but is with other adults, it's not like a toddler has an opinion on such things yet.)

 

[mjkacmom]

Funny story on this subject - my friend, who gave her dd the same book I gave dd (they're best friends) regarding sexuality at 11, her dd9 picked up a book at school, outside the library, on the "leave a book, take a book" table, How Babies Are Made. Yep, started with the flower, onto the humping dogs, onto the "P" word adn "V" word (this board is too much), to the mom and the dad under the covers (with illustrations of the "parts.") She only has girls (my kids could draw a ***** accurately ).

Under the circumstances, she had to have the talk. She wasn't happy at first, but then admitted that it was MUCH easier in the 4th grade, than in the 6th. So, although she gave the librarian grief, she was relieved, and will probably do the same with her dd6 (she kept the book - I am totally giving it to dd8 this year!).

 

[Pigeon]

I don't believe in having "THE talk." It's an ongoing conversation, that starts in my house when the kids are quite young. I want them to have accurate information, and as soon as my kids were riding the school bus, they came home with some unbelievable nonsense they'd picked up from other kids.

We got copies of first It's So Amazing ,and a little later, It's Perfectly Normal. We read them together and they lead to many great discussions. I was a little nervous at first, but it's a great bonding opportunity. My kids attend a Unitarian Universalist meeting which has an excellent sex ed curriculum, Our Whole Lives, which they do in 5th and 9th grade. My kids knew where babies came from and how they got started by around 6 or so.

My oldest is 12, and she's very comfortable asking me anything and everything, which is how I want it to be.

 

[Forevryoung]

Funny story on this subject - my friend, who gave her dd the same book I gave dd (they're best friends) regarding sexuality at 11, her dd9 picked up a book at school, outside the library, on the "leave a book, take a book" table, How Babies Are Made. Yep, started with the flower, onto the humping dogs, onto the "P" word adn "V" word (this board is too much), to the mom and the dad under the covers (with illustrations of the "parts.") She only has girls (my kids could draw a ***** accurately ).

Under the circumstances, she had to have the talk. She wasn't happy at first, but then admitted that it was MUCH easier in the 4th grade, than in the 6th. So, although she gave the librarian grief, she was relieved, and will probably do the same with her dd6 (she kept the book - I am totally giving it to dd8 this year!).

That's funny, I'm 25 and I had the SAME book. My mom got it for me when I was 5. I still remember the "story" and the pictures (I still remember those pictures of the flower and the dogs and the chicken reproducing ).

 

[NHdisneylover]

If you do tell your kids young about everything tell them not to tell everyone else. It is kind of like the Santa Clause thing. Tell your kid but tell them not to tell all the little kids.

Now that my kids are a bot older they have certainly been informed that not every family agrees about what is appropriate information to have at what age and it is better never to bring up the topic. However, as young children it was just something they knew as general knowledge just like that dogs barked and apples were healthy. It never occred to them to bring it up as a conversational topic with other kids--why would they it's pretty boring HOWEVER, if I had told them NOT to tell about it then they would have felt it was different, special, "secret" knowledge and probably would have said something Besides, it would have gone agaisnt what I was trying to teach them (that the basic facts of life are just that basic facts)

To the best of my knowledge my kids have only once had conversations with friends about sex (it was DD12). This summer at camp DD felt the know-it-all Hermoine impulse to correct her roomates when they were talking about how "safe" oral sex is. She thought they should know you can still catch diseases that way and even though getting pregnant would be pretty terrible some diseases would be much worse. Really, I don't think she was shattering any innocence there. OP--these girls who DD says were at least claiming to speak with experience were 11-13 and from "good" families at a "nice" camp. It does occur with young girls from all over. Just something to keep in mind when deciding what to say to your DD and when. I am grateful DD is comfortable enough to have come hoem and told me about the conversation (she was appalled).


Also, I have to say lots of kids share lots of things I would rather DD and DS not have learned about so soon--but that is life. DD came home at 4 worried her daddy could be killed by a drunk driver like Jordan's daddy was. Her innocent belief that her parents will always be there for her was shattered. This does not mean I think Jordan should be not allowed to speak about his father. Then there are less tragic (totally optional for parents like it is optional for me to teach my chidlren about sexuality) things which my kids were exposed to via friends that I would have prefered to shelter them from. Things like horrors of war, "fun" with drawing and naming all kinds of fancy assualt rifles and bombs at age 4 or 5, being told by religious friends (again at age 4-5) that they will "burn in hell" because their beliefs are different, language I do not condone, etc. etc. It never occurred to me to tell the parent's of these childrens that since our values differ they need to tell their kids not to talk about any of these things with my kids. I just gave the kids my own perspective when they got home (okay--the religious thing came up again in 2nd grade and got truly out of controll with harrasment and DD getting physically injured and seriouly threatened so we then did have to do something, but without the threats I had no issue with her hearing about otehr religions and their beliefs at all).

 

[barkley]

i'm curious-for those who believe middle school is when this should be discussed with kids, just what grades are your middle schools?

where we've lived middle schools covered kids that were at the very least, in 6th grade, but more often grades 7 & 8, with up through 9th. now, when i went to school, and with dd and her friends, they were starting to get their periods in as early as 4th grade, many more in 5th, and almost everyone by early on in 6th. i can't imagine a girl who is having her period, fully capable of becoming pregnant, not having the knowledge of what causes pregnancy until a year or 2 or 3 down the line. i also can't imagine many girls whose periods have started not asking what it is, and upon being told not asking the logical next questions that would be the core issues in 'the talk'.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

My DD got a big talk just after her 9th birthday however we had been having smaller talks up to that point. We will have additional talks as time goes by. She didn't get the "oral" bit yet because I wasn't ready to give it. I know, I'm bad. She will probably get it around 10.

She goes to a very small parochial school so I thought I was okay but gave her the talk anyway. I was glad I did because she came home from GS day camp shaking her head one day and said "Boy am I glad you talked to me. There is some girl that doesn't know what her period is or how babies are made." She then went on to tell me how other girls were telling her stuff that was different than what I told her. She pulled the girl aside and told her that she really needed to speak to her mom.

 

[princesspiglet]

DD was about 5 when I explained to her about periods. She walked in on me putting a tampon in and asked what I was doing, so I explained it to her. I also went into a little detail about what happens when you get your period, the pms, the cramps etc. She is not looking forward to it now!

When she was 6 she asked me how a baby was made and DH and I explained that to her also and let her watch her birthing video. She has now decided that she wants to adopt.

Jus this last May we moved to a new house and our neighbors have an adorable little boy her age who she has become best friends with. They were wrestling one day and he tried to kiss her on the lips. I had to pull him off and have a little talk with both of them. He just thought it was normal to kiss someone you "love" because his mommy and daddy kiss each other and him all the time.

My DD is almost 7 and sometimes when she kisses me goodnight she will try to open her mouth and stick her tongue in mine. We had a discussion about this inappropriate behavior just 2 days ago.

I guess what I am saying is, if the situation arises, you need to discuss it then and there and give as much detail and information as they can handle. I think I will start the sex talk this year.

 

[shortbun]

Middle School.

If you wait til middle school, someone else(a peer) is going to have 'the talk' with your child. Guaranteed!

 

[eliza61]

It was never a "talk" in our house. It was TALKS. Start young- with what they can handle. Then add as they get older.
My daughter was asking ?'s at 5 so I gave her the basics. Now at 12 she has the majority of the information. Opening the communication young makes it not as scary as a one stop talk.

Ditto:

We started talking to our kids (2 boys, 1 girl) when they first started asking questions like "where do puppies come from". We told them the truth using age appropriate language by the time my niece (raising her) was 10, her and my sons knew about menstruations, how babies are made and our values on sex. We never believed that arming kids with information made them permiscuious or sexually active.

 

[Tower]

Like many others here--we have had no "talk" but rather on ongoing conversation.

Just happened upon this thread and here is a 'guys' input. DW had 'that time of month' a few weeks ago and left a mark on our toddler's bed not realizing that it was time. Older DS and DD noticed (8 & 6) the red mark and asked who was bleeding. DW was in the shower at the time so I gave a general description with no details. DD asks if it hurts and answered 'I believe there is some discomfort'.

Then DS asks how someone can tell when it's going to happen. I replied 'Remember a couple of days ago when mom was really, really upset? That means it right around the corner!

Sorry, had to say something as my kids are not really at that point yet, but approaching soon I'm sure

 

[rcpae]

OMG! I have three DD's...one of them a high school sophomore and it NEVER occurred to me to have a talk about oral sex....

 

[NHdisneylover]

Just happened upon this thread and here is a 'guys' input. :

It will be here so much faster than you want it to Nice to see you "out and about."

OMG! I have three DD's...one of them a high school sophomore and it NEVER occurred to me to have a talk about oral sex....

I wouldn't have thought of it either had I not taught Junior High. From talking to other teachers it seems like it is becomming even more of a problem. I freely admit those conversations were the most uncomfortable for me that I have ever had--but I tried hard not to let it show. They are good ones for in the car--when you are not looking at each other
So far, DDs (and DSs) reaction is that oral is just beyond disgusting--I hope that lasts a loooong while. She couldn't believe that girls who otherwise seemed so "normal" at camp would want to do something that gross (at least that is what she says and I do think I can believe it--boys are not her thing. . .yet).

 

[Hidden_Mickey]

Yikes, my DD is 11 and we had the period talk when she was 9. I bought her the AG book and another one I can't remember. I've told her the basics about the birds and the bees and why you wait but she is not interested in boys yet. I know we have to talk about oral and birth control but I'm dreading it. I'm waiting for an opportune moment. Don't have a heart attack but I've also heard that you should talk about, uh, the A word also... Some kids do that instead of losing their virginity..

We've also talked about getting into a car with a drunk driver, etc. These are all topics that are just as important as impressing upon them that you want them to go to college or church or whatever is important to you. It's just that the personal/private nature of the subject matter can make the conversations uncomfortable.

 

[NHdisneylover]

We've also talked about getting into a car with a drunk driver, etc. These are all topics that are just as important as impressing upon them that you want them to go to college or church or whatever is important to you. It's just that the personal/private nature of the subject matter can make the conversations uncomfortable.

With my kids it has gotten to the point that just about every time we pass a bad car wreck or hear of one on the radio the kids get to the topic before I do. "Mom, we know, we know--if we are ever drinking or our ride is or we even think they are or we jsut don't think their very good drivers or are too tired or whatever call you any time, any place you will come get us."

It does seem there is always soemthing to cover doesn't it? I made sure i covered at least the basics of inahlants/huffing with DS10 before he went off to camp this year. I was afraid if someone was doing that and asked him he would not think about a common household product as being that dangerous if I had not prewarned him (was a non issue at camp--but you just never know, you know).
I don't remember any conversations about drugs, drinking, etc with my own parents and one very brief (literally 3 sentences when I was 18) one about sex. I managed to educate myself and come out allright, but I feel like informing my kids of both facts and my values might tilt the odds a bit more in their favour.

 

[sunnyday123]

It was never a "talk" in our house. It was TALKS. Start young- with what they can handle. Then add as they get older.
My daughter was asking ?'s at 5 so I gave her the basics. Now at 12 she has the majority of the information. Opening the communication young makes it not as scary as a one stop talk.

That's what I did. My cousin's wife was pregnant when she was 4, and she wanted to know how the baby got out. I told her in terms she could understand.

She thought it was disgusting.

Now that she's 11, I'm hit with a constant barrage of questions. It's good though, she won't learn stuff via Judy Blume! If you start young, and in terms they understand, it's way easier on everyone and they'll have the info they need.