Parenting teenagers is hard and sometimes crazy

[mjkacmom]

I also would’ve expected my daughter to apologize for acting like a brat, in person or written, even a text. My kids have never been allowed to be rude and not apologize, especially with a long term teacher who deserves respect.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

probably the most ridiculous hill-to-die-on moment recently with my youngest was her refusal to come out of her room to discuss her issues, or conversely to stay in her room quietly. Yes, I realize there is more at issue deep down but if you are going to insist on staying in your room because you are in a snit then there is no need to keep opening the door to scream at people who are in other parts of the house and then slam the door closed again multiple times every time we make a sound. I refuse to walk on eggshells, you can be sad without expecting the entire world to stop. I tried to encourage her to talk about what was bothering her (ended up being an issue with a friendship) to help her process her feelings, which she refused to discuss anything that day, but she was feeling miserable and wanted everyone around her to feel miserable too. We live in a townhouse and that's just not acceptable, we share a wall with our neighbors. It ended with her sulking after I had to cut off both the house wifi and her cell phone data. But at least she was sulking quietly. After the 24 hours of no internet or data she had calmed down and ended up getting the phone turned back on. We all know setting limits is part of parenting and sometimes even the most reasonable kid needs a reminder of those limits. These teen years are the worst, I honestly have so much more anxiety about my kids than I ever felt when they were little!

 

[Lumpy1106]

Ahh young teens. I said it with my first two, I'll say it with my youngest I am sure; I would trade every day of poopy diaper years for the one year they are 14. Choose your battles wisely - they will come out the other side. Will you?

 

[brockash]

She was willfully choosing to be difficult and disrespectful to her teacher and it’s not acceptable in any form and it is a pattern of behavior she is doing more and more. If she was sitting down in first base because it was more comfortable for her playing softball her coach would not tolerate it and she would have consequences. It’s a pattern with her and it was a silly thing for her to die on that hill. It is my job as her parent to provide a punishment as all actions have consequences and children need to learn that, she much prefers reading books than her electronics so the punishment is not as much of a big deal to her as you think it is. In a couple years she will be learning to drive, she can’t do that with her legs crossed, nor would her boss who is training her for a job tolerate her disrespect because she just doesn’t want to do a specific task because she just doesn’t like to. My job is to help her become a functioning adult who can adapt to change so she can handle all the bumps along this road we call life.

All that said, my parenting is not the point of this thread, it’s the silly moments you never thought you would be saying or dealing with as a parent.

I remembered another story. I took my daughter to the pediatrician after hours because she wasn’t feeling well. While waiting in the lobby a little girl and her parents came they kept asking her if she had put a raisinette up her nose. She denied it every time, all the while she was producing chocolate snot. Our appointment took a while due to labs so I asked the pediatrician if the little girl really did have a raisinette up her nose and she said she sure did and it was wedged really far up there. She then said that she’s pulled out all kinds of bizarre things out of kids ears and noses.

And THANK YOU for being a parent that holds their child accountable. I get that every now and then there are special circumstances as to why a kid may be behaving in a disrespectful manner etc., but the vast majority of the time kids are just being kids and often times push limits and at the very least need guidance. So often parents (I mean just look at this thread) are so quick to find every and any excuse under the sun to make their child the victim when more often then not the child is just being difficult for a number of reasons, but they should still be held accountable and be respectful.

I can't tell you how many instances of these excuses and playing victim I encounter every day at school. You are doing your child no favor by letting them manipulate situations...it's such a disservice to the child. Sure...it's easier in the short run (for the parent and child) but the damage a parent is doing to the child when you're constantly finding excuses for their bad behavior is tenfold.

I'm also a parent and I get that parenting is hard and not fun during difficult times, but I owe it to my kids to hold them accountable and to set minimum behavior stadards and expectations of them etc.

 

[dreamer17555]

My issue is this doesn’t have any sort of natural consequence. A natural consequence might be she needs to pay for the lesson and do chores to earn the money. Perhaps write an apology to the teacher. Taking away her electronics Has zero direct tie in to what happened.

Also I tend to agree that maybe something was going on body wise that she was uncomfortable with. If she were to sit at first base because she was more comfortable that way a coach would have natural consequences she would be benched or she would be kicked off the team. In this case the consequences don’t match the action.

I say this as someone with a 20-year-old and a 15-year-old.

 

[Pink Partridge]

The next time this happens the daughter knows she can tough out the consequences and when the realness of the consequences was there the daughter still didn't give in and give an explanation. Like I said a 13 year old girl willing to not do social interactions both internet and in person is saying a lot.

It's sayin that child is "thick" as my grandmother used to say. Mom can still get tougher, and it seems like OP is the type that will. The daughter will eventually learn who is boss. And it's not her.

 

[Boopuff]

Here’s my “hill-to -die -on” story. When my DD was a sophomore, she decided to die the underside of her hair a neon red. She and a friend got some drugstore dye. Oh it was beautiful (eye-roll ) well the stuff didn’t wash out as planned. I wasn’t about to pay for a salon to color correct it. She lived with the fading red until the start of senior year. she had to have her senior portrait taken. Since she didn’t want my advice when she dyed her hair, I wasn’t going to pay to correct it. She had a job, and was short a bit to fix it. Since she had worked hard, I gave her what she needed. Her hair looked great (took a lot of fixing) but at least she worked for it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

It's sayin that child is "thick" as my grandmother used to say. Mom can still get tougher, and it seems like OP is the type that will. The daughter will eventually learn who is boss. And it's not her.

Ugh sorry honestly no offense meant that's just eww to see you say that. There's a reason why authoritarian parenting is considered the least overall in effective parenting. And it's even less effective with children already showing rebellious behaviors. It often leads to worsening of that. We're def. not going to see eye to eye with what you've posted so I'll leave it at that.

 

[dreamer17555]

The lesson was Mom is not going to back down. Call her bluff and she is still going to follow through. The lesson is for future situations of blatant defiance.

Because teaching your kids to blindly follow is so smart…

As someone who’s got an older kid who’s 20, I’ve seen so many of her friends just cut parents out of their lives and so I say tread carefully with the teen years. The goal is to make sure that your child will come to you in an emergency. You want their first thought when they make a mistake to be ‘oh no I need to call my mom’. Not ‘oh no my mom is going to kill me’. When they get older and the stakes get really high that can mean the difference between life and death.

Trust me you want a kid that will call you when they mess up. You want a kid that will call you drunk and upset at a party and get you to Venmo them Uber money or come pick them up vs getting in a car. You want the kids that will tell you when they made mistakes. Being heavy-handed does not get you that

 

[Smugpugmug]

Because teaching your kids to blindly follow is so smart…

As someone who’s got an older kid who’s 20, I’ve seen so many of her friends just cut parents out of their lives and so I say tread carefully with the teen years. The goal is to make sure that your child will come to you in an emergency. You want their first thought when they make a mistake to be ‘oh no I need to call my mom’. Not ‘oh no my mom is going to kill me’. When they get older and the stakes get really high that can mean the difference between life and death.

Trust me you want a kid that will call you when they mess up. You want a kid that will call you drunk and upset at a party and get you to Venmo them Uber money or come pick them up vs getting in a car. You want the kids that will tell you when they made mistakes. Being heavy-handed does not get you that

I agree with everything you said. When I was in college, I had friends that had very strict parents and it made them very sneaky. They could never be honest around their parents. Even I dealt with it when I was younger. There's a reason why I haven't talked to my dad in years.

Obviously I agree that kids need structure and discipline but a parent that acts like their kid is their property doesn't end well for either one of them.

 

[fly girl]

I also would’ve expected my daughter to apologize for acting like a brat, in person or written, even a text. My kids have never been allowed to be rude and not apologize, especially with a long term teacher who deserves respect.

OP mentioned she had her dd write an apology letter.

I noticed that immediately since it would’ve been first on my list.

I’m still baffled why the instructor didn’t handle it on his own. But there must be some reason and no need to dive into that rabbit hole I guess.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Ugh sorry honestly no offense meant that's just eww to see you say that.

Ugh all you want. I think it's "eww" to watch children think they are running the show.

Ask teachers how it's going out there.

 

[PinkPixel]

The obstinate behavior of my 13 year old daughter today has inspired this thread. She had piano lessons today and about half way through her lesson decided to cross her legs. He piano teacher asked her to uncross them because she would not be able to use the pedals properly or have proper posture to play and move up or down octaves. He tried asking her nicely and explained why she couldn’t sit that way while playing. She refused, he then asked if I could talk to her. She was adamant that’s the only way she could sit comfortably and still refused. She didn’t care that I would take away her electronics or cancel her plans to trick or treat with friends, keeping her legs crossed was the battle she wanted to fight. After a couple minute stand off where we all just waited in silence for her to uncross her legs, we just ended the lesson early. Her lesson is only 1/2 and hour so it’s not like it was even a long time left where she had to sit “uncomfortably” in her words.

She’s my youngest and the roller coaster of puberty hormones affects her so much more than my son or other daughter. I never yelled at her I just explained how disappointed I was in her stubborn behavior, took away her electronics and am making her write an apology letter for being disrespectful to her teacher, along with some hugs to let her know that despite her poor choice today I love her and if there’s more going on she needs to talk about I’m here. She really couldn’t explain later why it was so important to keep her legs crossed once she was out of her funky mood. I never would have guessed parenthood would involve a stand-off about keeping your legs crossed. I also never thought I’d ask why is there a brand new pair of socks with the tags on in the bathroom sink, but I have had to ask that one too . My husband has created a document to write down some of these silly stories or adventures the kids have so that way when they get older they have a little journey of their childhood as some of them get forgotten along the way.

So my question to you DIS parents is what’s your crazy my kid/teen did what story?

Honest question, why is it so important to enforce her playing piano? She either wants to do it or not. Maybe find a new teacher, or time, etc if she really is passionate about it? If she doesn't want to play piano, why is she being threatened and forced with punishments? Just curious. I also am not sure what OP is looking for with this thread, is it just a vent?

 

[Pink Partridge]

Because teaching your kids to blindly follow is so smart…

Where are you getting this? Blindly follow?

Respect your parents. Respect your piano teacher. Don't be a brat. What does this have to do with blindly following?

My kids would definitely call me if they were drunk and needed a ride. Why wouldn't they?

You are fabricating some weird stuff here.

 

[dreamer17555]

Where are you getting this? Blindly follow?

Respect your parents. Respect your piano teacher. Don't be a brat. What does this have to do with blindly following?

My kids would definitely call me if they were drunk and needed a ride. Why wouldn't they?

You are fabricating some weird stuff here.

Why would they call you if they feel that they’re going to be harsh with them? Better question- do you have kids actually old enough to have had the situation occur yet because until you have don’t assume it will play out the way you think it will.

There are so many of my daughter’s friend’s parents who have no idea what their kids are up to because their kids will never tell them. There are kids going out without their cell phones because their parents are tracking them on Life360 So they will go out without their cell phones so they can go to a frat party without their parents knowing even though it’s much more dangerous for them to be without a cell phone. Kids are up to so much that their parents have no idea about because their parents were way too harsh with them over small things like this.

I am mama Becky to a lot of my daughters friends. I’m the one they come to when they need an adult but they can’t tell their parents because their parents would freak out. They still need guidance and they still want support but they don’t know where to get it because they can’t get it from home because their parents are all about enforcing rules. I have a very respectful hard-working daughter. She is a cast member at disney in the college program. She is a good kid but she is a human and she makes mistakes and when she does I want to be the first person that she calls.

A kid didn’t want to sit without their legs crossed probably for a personal reason that they don’t feel comfortable explaining because if they did feel comfortable they would’ve shared it. At most it’s a missed lesson they can apologize to the teacher at some point and they can pay for the missed lesson but you don’t need to take away all of their electronics and take away their trick-or-treating etc. The consequence doesn’t make sense. It needs to be a natural consequence something tied to the event. They messed up the lesson they can apologize to the teacher which is already being handled. They can do some extra chores to pay for the lesson. It doesn’t need to be bigger than that.

If they continue to not want to sit at piano lessons without their legs crossed maybe they don’t play piano anymore and that’s OK. That’s a natural consequence. They don’t gain that skill. You don’t need to impose additional punishments on top of that just to prove that you’re in charge.

 

[sam_gordon]

Imagine a child telling a baseball coach they want to swing the bat with only one hand. And refusing to bat the proper way? Nope. You're wasting my time. Same goes for sitting properly at the piano during a lesson. OP was being a good parent by giving a punishment.

IMO, the punishment needs to fit the "crime". If the ball player is only going to swing the bat with one hand? The appropriate consequence is they either sit on the bench, or if they have to play (because of a rule), then they strike out or get thrown out. And then they're letting their teammates down because it's basically an automatic out. THAT'S an appropriate punishment.

If my child (and one was a softball player) decided not to do what the coach told them, taking away electronics and T/T wouldn't even enter my mind. If they talked back to the coach or cussed at them, or yelled at their teammates because they messed up, THEN there would be more consequences.

The kid is in school. The teacher says "do these problems using process ABC." The child does the problems, but using process "XYZ". Are they being rude to the teacher? Would you take away their electronics? I wouldn't. I would let them fail the assignment (if I couldn't get them to do ABC). If the grades slip enough come report card time, THEN is when the electronics get taken away.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Why would they call you if they feel that they’re going to be harsh with them? Better question- do you have kids actually old enough to have had the situation occur yet

Harsh? Why would you say that?

I have always set and enforced boundaries. Because, well, because I am in charge. I am the parent. It was my job. As your children grow, they need less and less guidance. That's the goal.

My rules were very easy to follow. Clear and concise. I am extremely close with all of my children. Both my young adults and teens are extremely happy, successful, polite, and respectful.

This can all happen without being "harsh".

 

[Pink Partridge]

She is a good kid but she is a human and she makes mistakes and when she does I want to be the first person that she calls.

I don't want to be the person my kids call, I AM the person they call.

 

[mom2rtk]

Please don't assume that just because someone disagrees that they must not have any experience. There are plenty of people who have parented teenagers who will disagree on methods, punishments, etc. Many may even have used some of the same parenting techniques that they now criticize because they found them ineffective or harmful.

That said, I didn't really see anyone giving "parenting advice"; just a few who suggested that perhaps there was something more going on that caused the daughter to be so stubborn. Is it possible she was just being a defiant brat?-- sure. But it's also possible that there really was something else going on that made the girl uncomfortable uncrossing her legs with her teacher in that moment-- maybe she got her period, maybe the teacher is a creep, maybe she's not comfortable telling her mom she doesn't want to take piano lessons so this was the best way she could think of in her 13-year-old brain to get out of it.

This is the Disboards. People are going to discuss the situation from every possible angle. Personally, I think that's a GOOD thing. Many posts are not relevant to the exact situation an OP has described, but they might be helpful for another parent in a similar situation who never would have thought of it if they hadn't been exposed to someone saying it here. My husband and I have very similar personalities and we basically agree on nearly everything. It sounds idyllic, but it made it very easy for us to believe that whatever we were doing as parents was the "right" way because it made logical sense to both of us. Our kids (now two adults and one teen) have very different personalities, so what would have worked for us was not necessarily the best for them. Getting a different perspective from other people is beneficial because it allows us to learn and grow instead of just reaffirming what we already think is correct. This wouldn't be much of a discussion board if everyone agreed on everything and no one had any individual perspectives to share.

Agreed. I had the same reaction as those first few posters and have successfully parented 3 teens through to young adulthood.

 

[Silvermist999]

I played the piano up to grade 10 RCM, so I get the whole sitting up straight, good posture on the bench and feet perched above the pedals ready to play - when needed. Otherwise if it’s a piece that doesn’t need the use of pedals, then I think it would be “ok” to sit cross legged (not correct, but not harmful to anyone either).

I question why your daughter suddenly wants to cross her legs. Is she crossing at the ankle or over the knee? Is this a one time thing that just started suddenly or has she always crossed her legs during practice/lessons and now is playing some new pieces that require the use of the pedals, and won’t change how she sits? Have you sat down with her to ask her why she won’t uncross her leg? Ask her if she has always crossed her legs during the lessons? Does she practice cross legged at home, have you watched her as she plays? It is also important to know whether she is always uncooperative about most things, if not, why is she so insistent about this? I’m also a parent to two teenagers, in university so I’m experiencing this type of behaviour from time to time...I’m slowly learning when to choose my battles...