Parenting teenagers is hard and sometimes crazy

[sam_gordon]

I don't remember any major battles with our kids (currently 24, 19, and 16). They each have their own idiosyncrasies and frustrations. Oldest took (and takes) any criticism personally and we had(have) to be very careful on how we would correct her. Middle takes after his maternal grandfather and is very quiet and not forthcoming. Trying to get any information out of him is like pulling teeth. Youngest is a loner (just now coming out of her shell) but very driven.

I will say the issue presented in the OP does seem a strange hill to die on (for BOTH sides). FWIW, I would not have wanted the piano teacher to call me in, but pick pieces to work on that would be difficult, if not impossible (I don't know music) to perform with the legs crossed. IMO, THAT's how to get the lesson across that you can't do that. Punishment outside the lesson for something that minor seems strange to me. Using the example of sitting down while playing first base, a coach should send the player to the bench to sit and decide later if/when to allow them to play the position again.

Regarding people responding to the choices made by the OP, while it might not be what the OP wanted, they did post about it on an internet message board. Unless they're a part of the Dis board staff, they don't get to decide how/what people respond. It's the chance you take.

 

[C&Jx2]

For the record I have two 15 year olds, a boy and a girl.

 

[fly girl]

I am in the throws of teenagery with a 14 year old daughter. Good times ... good times.

My friend shared this the other day and everyone was commenting on the terrible 3's (for most of us it wasn't terrible 2's, it is 3). Anyway, after watching it I realized this is a full circle moment. This is the minor league preparing you for the nonsense that comes with teen "temper tantrums." Seriously, I watched that video and thought I am having these ridiculous moments, just in a bigger package!!

In those moments I am trying my hardest to realize this is nothing new. It is pretty normal, they are fighting to gain independence ... most of us did the same. Fun? Good heavens, no. But know your are not alone.

(credit to Karen Disappoves who was the original poster)

 

[fly girl]

For the record I have two 15 year olds, a boy and a girl.

OMG, nailed it!!

 

[VandVsmama]

When ODD was 2, she was the biter in the toddler room at daycare. You could see her going in for the kill at times. I’m happy to report that 14 yr later, she no longer bites people.

 

[PollyannaMom]

I would not have wanted the piano teacher to call me in, but pick pieces to work on that would be difficult, if not impossible (I don't know music) to perform with the legs crossed. IMO, THAT's how to get the lesson across that you can't do that.

Perfect - natural consequences!

(I'm still wondering about the period explanation, though, in which case I would have made an exception if she had explained. - I would have asked for a word in private to check whether this might be the case.)



I always found one of the most difficult things in parenting (and teaching) to be "teasing out the can't from the won't" - figuring out whether a child is misbehaving because they can't do the thing you want them to do (and quite often can't even explain why) or whether they're using poor behavior as a weapon - either to get back at you for something they don't like or to exert control in the wrong situation. (I'm a big believer that kids should have control over some things, just not everything.) And if that's indeed what they're doing, we absolutely do need to draw the line and teach/expect them to use better ways to communicate their needs.



Anyway, I can't think of any teen stories at the moment, but if you want little kid ones too:

Mine spent several months when he was about three only wanting to wear orange shirts.

And I once had to actually make a class rule that we don't lick our desks.

 

[jdb in AZ]

Each kid is different -- that's why parenting is such a challenge. DD was very difficult as a toddler then was much better as a teen. DS was an angel as a toddler but impossible as a teen. (Testosterone poisoning.) We're still waiting for him to grow up. He's 40+

 

[MrsPete]

I've had several thousand teenagers (pass through my classroom over the course of 30 years), and I'd like to think I'm pretty good with them. And, of course, my own children are well past their teen years. In most cases of odd behavior -- like the socks in the sink -- I'd say let it go. Is anyone really hurt by the socks in the sink? When kids are being difficult, that's when they need love and attention the most.

The most unexpected thing I ever said to one of my own kids: "I don't care if she does fit, take the hamster out of your mouth."

In the case of the piano lesson, I agree that the teacher should've handled it herself. Her reasons for wanting the child to uncross her legs are valid, and if the kid wouldn't comply, it would've been a good reason to end the lesson. I think escalating the situation just made it worse.

One more thing: Thinking back to my own daughters, nieces and all those students, I can say with certainty that girls tend to be at THEIR WORST at 13-14. At that age, they aren't comfortable in their own skin, and they take it out on other people. Once they make it past 14, they are amazingly wonderful young people.

 

[QueenIsabella]

Each kid is different -- that's why parenting is such a challenge. DD was very difficult as a toddler then was much better as a teen. DS was an angel as a toddler but impossible as a teen. (Testosterone poisoning.) We're still waiting for him to grow up. He's 40+

I have 4 kids, my BFF has 5. I've always maintained that we could have 10 kids each...and the 11th would STILL have some new tricks up his/her sleeve!

It's kind of funny, we've written back and forth for decades--email, now, but she was cleaning house, and found a stack of my letters from 25 or so years ago. Re-reading them, she asked me, "Why did we call my #4 'Caffeine'?" I said, "Because she was a climber. One day, she climbed on the kitchen table and drank your whole cup of coffee. Luckily, she was #4--that coffee was stone cold!" Kids--not just a job, an adventure!

 

[Colleen27]

The random control freak moments are something I was unprepared for, and my 14yo is my youngest. The older two just never asserted themselves in that particularly weird way. So we had one week this year when she was stressed about school that she only wanted one particular dinner - fortunately, something that's in my regular rotation so I literally made up a big batch on Sunday and doled it out every time she balked at whatever else I made.

This week, we had a morning battle over her insisting on only wearing one particular pair of jeans over and over, only for me to find out that evening when I took them to wash (so she could wear them again today) that it is because she and a friend were arguing while they carved pumpkins, she asked for a particular tool, the friend tossed it over a little too hard, and she's got a cut on her thigh that makes any form-fitting jeans uncomfortable. Apparently the OMG moment of chucking a Dremel at a friend was enough for them to realize the fight was stupid and make up, so DD didn't tell me about the cut because she didn't want her friend getting in trouble.

And this is the transition to high school going better than I expected.

 

[kerry1379]

My daughter, age 10 at the time, told me that she wanted to try being vegetarian. I was confused as she seemed to like meat but we were supportive. I learned new recipes and adapted meals that the rest of the family wanted meat in so that she had a meatless option. It became harder and harder as time went on though as she also hated nuts, beans, etc. (all the traditional protein alternatives to meat). I was becoming concerned that she wasn't getting the proper nutrition. We had had countless conversations with her about needing to eat properly and asking her what was her "why" for being a vegetarian. She always just said because she wanted too and we didn't get much farther than that. Then, many weeks/several months later, she let it slip that it was because her brother bet her that she couldn't do it for a year. Ugh! Not a valid reason for the extra expense and work I was doing! The silver lining in all that was that I was rather impressed what she can do when she sets her mind to something.

 

[Taxtherich12]

Without going into my kids private bodily functions, kids will choose a weird hill to die on.

 

[VandVsmama]

I have 2 teenage daughters - ages 14 and 16 currently. Here are some fun fairly recent highlights of the parenting adventures in our household:

• Pretty much a year-long ongoing argument between ODD & DH about learning to drive and getting her driver's license. He started lecturing about it right when she turned 15. So we're almost at the year and a half mark now. Learned last week from the driving school that she needs more practice before she's ready for the on-the-road test. You would have thought the world is coming to an end as far as my DH was concerned. I just want it finished so the bickering can stop.
• YDD's refusal to put her socks in the dirty clothes bin. So the corners of her bed in between the bed & the wall has become what we now call the Sock Hole...the black hole of socks where they all go to hide. She goes to bed wearing socks but takes them off in her sleep in the middle of the night.
• Not throwing away the empty toilet paper roll. Leaving it on the floor next to toilet instead of in the trash. ODD is biggest culprit of this. Frequency decreases when I save 1 of them, write a note on it, and stick it in her lunch box.
• ODD & YDD share a bedroom, sleep in bunk beds. ODD is on top bunk, moves a lot in her sleep. YDD sleeps like the dead. On the rare occasion that YDD goes to bed after ODD and ODD is already asleep, you'd think that WW 3 is about to break out with the venom spewed from ODD's mouth because she woke up when YDD got into bed. ODD would wake up to a mouse fart, sleeps w/white noise on every night.
• When it's shark week at our house, watch out.
• Repeated lectures from DH to ODD about adulting, followed by ODD yelling back that she's still a kid, then DH lecturing about the 80s and "how I got MY first job when I was 10 and I've been writing computer code since I was, like, 8." Followed by ODD yelling back at DH, "Oh yeah? Well, YOU said that your GRANDMA had to help you out all the time w/your paper route because you over slept all the time, so your GRANDMA was DOING YOUR JOB FOR YOU, DADDY!" LOL. The kid is right.
• YDD still acting like she's allergic to taking a shower. Have to remind her every night to do it. Pushes the envelope every weekend. Last year during Christmas break, I think she went an entire week without changing her clothes or showering. Her reason? "I'm just being lazy!"

 

[birchtree95]

As a piano player, I can tell you all who say "Why can't she play with her legs crossed?" - It's not what you do. You need them for pedals, but also balance, and one leg on the ground will not allow you to stretch across the paino for high notes/low notes. It's incredibly UN-comfortable to try to play with legs crossed.

That said, you parent how you see fit.

I only have 2 kids, and they are both toddlers, so my best stories comes from work...

I work at a school bus company- you wouldn't believe the calls we get.

"Why are there school buses parked outside the high school every morning?"
"Why are your buses driving by my house? The exhaust blasts my cat off of the window sill!"
"Why did your driver honk the horn outside my house and wake me up?"
"You're going 50 MPH down my street!" (one block between stop signs, IMPOSSIBLE to obtain this kind of speed in a school bus)

 

[anniemae]

I'm not sure I will survive these teen years! I spend more time crying in the bathroom........ I just can't do anything right. Yesterday DD got mad at me because I was in the same room as her. She got home from school and was sorting through her bag in the family room and I walked into the room to grab my phone. She accused me of "following her around" and stormed up to her room.

She says I smother her, so I back off. Then I am accused of not doing enough for her. Someone please tell me this phase ends. It does end right?

The consequences are hard. I have heard it's not good to take away electronics, that it just does not work. How do you deal with the freshness? Do you ignore it or call them out on every snide comment?

 

[holden]

After reading this thread I've come to the conclusion that some teens are more challenging than others. I guess that's just like all of us.

We are still in the middle of a painful period in our house (this has been going on for five years). Our DDs have unique circumstances that make parenting them more challenging than most.

My hope is that we continue to listen, communicate and parent with compassion. Perhaps then they'll turn out ok in the end. We can only do our best.

 

[fly girl]

One more thing: Thinking back to my own daughters, nieces and all those students, I can say with certainty that girls tend to be at THEIR WORST at 13-14. At that age, they aren't comfortable in their own skin, and they take it out on other people. Once they make it past 14, they are amazingly wonderful young people.

I’m almost there … almost … come on 15!!!

 

[Bianca and Bernard]

Mine spent several months when he was about three only wanting to wear orange shirts.

And I once had to actually make a class rule that we don't lick our desks.

I had a 4 year old who would only eat words beginning with the letter C. Carrots, chicken, celery, cheese, couscous, cherries, Cheerios; and her favorites to try to get: cake and candy. Who knew learning the alphabet would be so much fun?

We also went through the "I must have xx color cup" phase with the oldest. I learned from that one, and with the last two kids, we only had one color cup/plate/bowl available...

I'm not sure I will survive these teen years! I spend more time crying in the bathroom........ I just can't do anything right. Yesterday DD got mad at me because I was in the same room as her. She got home from school and was sorting through her bag in the family room and I walked into the room to grab my phone. She accused me of "following her around" and stormed up to her room.

She says I smother her, so I back off. Then I am accused of not doing enough for her. Someone please tell me this phase ends. It does end right?

The consequences are hard. I have heard it's not good to take away electronics, that it just does not work. How do you deal with the freshness? Do you ignore it or call them out on every snide comment?

I bit my tongue a lot when they were teenagers, about the attitudes. If we were in public, they would get a quiet "that is enough" and the mom look that said "do we need to discuss this in the car right now?" which, from a long line of parenting consistency, they knew meant we will go sit in the car with nothing to do until you are done with your attitude, and if it doesn't end now, there will be consequences. That usually stopped them. At home, we would tell them to go to their rooms until they could act civilized. We didn't tolerate them being mean to each other, at all, though.

One day, DS (then about 4 or 5) was eating breakfast at the table; I was sitting in the living room, drinking coffee; and watching the morning newsl; and DH was putting his shoes on to go to work. In walked DD#2 (then 14 or 15). DH said "Good morning" to her, and you would have thought he told her that he was selling her to a Gypsy king to be his wife. She went hysterical, and stomred off to her room in tears...over a good morning. There were times when I would have been willing to PAY a Gypsy king to take the kids off my hands, but I would never sell them, lol.

 

[princesscinderella]

Thanks so much for all your replies, it’s nice to hear that we aren’t alone in this phase of moody teens.

To those who are concerned about her piano teacher and her feminine needs, none of what was speculated on this thread was what was actually going on. She has been taking lessons since she was 7 first guitar then she switched to piano with the same wonderful teacher who has incredible patience with the kids, he has 3 kids and 8 grandchildren so he has been there. She was just being stubborn. None of this is a big deal it’s just a day in the life of being a parent.

What breaks my heart is seeing some of my son’s classmates who he’s known since pre-k go down the path of drugs and partying too much in high school. Those are big parent problems that I hope I never have to deal with. Some have been kicked out of their private school for such poor behavior and performance.

 

[mjkacmom]

I'm not sure I will survive these teen years! I spend more time crying in the bathroom........ I just can't do anything right. Yesterday DD got mad at me because I was in the same room as her. She got home from school and was sorting through her bag in the family room and I walked into the room to grab my phone. She accused me of "following her around" and stormed up to her room.

She says I smother her, so I back off. Then I am accused of not doing enough for her. Someone please tell me this phase ends. It does end right?

The consequences are hard. I have heard it's not good to take away electronics, that it just does not work. How do you deal with the freshness? Do you ignore it or call them out on every snide comment?

My oldest was the greatest baby/toddler, peaked at age 2, went downhill from there but was quite lovely at age 18 after her first semester of college. In elementary she got perfect grades but was a handful for the teachers. She reinvented herself in middle school and was a perfect child outside the home. I learned ”do not engage.” Teen time outs were go to your bedroom until you can behave like a decent human being. There was no winning, no rationalizing. Her younger brothers were fine, her younger sister always delightful, the next younger sister had a 2 week period (which made me cry, ptsd from the first, I couldn’t do it again, but fortunately it was short lived).