Parenting and adult kids

[disykat]

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Sometimes I think those kinds of things just come down to who has time. My son is 25. I know he can make his own doctors appointments and he's carried his own insurance card since he was a teen. But there are times I still do it for him because he works every hour the doctor's office is open and then some, and doesn't always get his scheduled breaks/lunch. Even if he does, he's got 30 minutes to wolf down a meal, try to rehydrate (because his shop is always hot), use the bathroom, etc. It is just easier for me to call, make the appointment, and text him the time/date. He loves that his dentist has an online scheduling system now so he can handle that after work, but his primary is still old-school so it isn't unusual for me to get a text asking if I can make him an appointment when he needs to see him

Sorry GAN, I can't figure out how to get your post off multi-quote! It won't let me delete!

Anyway, to respond to Colleen 27, I agree and think sometimes we function as our adult child's "significant other" and that's okay. As a single person it can be hard not to have backup. I know when I was single sometimes friends, sometimes family, etc. functioned in that role for me and that's a good thing, IMO. It's like when you're moving furniture and you just need someone on the other end of the couch. I'm happy to be holding the other end of the couch for my adult children, and they do it for me as well.

 

[kymom99]

Sometimes I think those kinds of things just come down to who has time. My son is 25. I know he can make his own doctors appointments and he's carried his own insurance card since he was a teen. But there are times I still do it for him because he works every hour the doctor's office is open and then some, and doesn't always get his scheduled breaks/lunch. Even if he does, he's got 30 minutes to wolf down a meal, try to rehydrate (because his shop is always hot), use the bathroom, etc. It is just easier for me to call, make the appointment, and text him the time/date. He loves that his dentist has an online scheduling system now so he can handle that after work, but his primary is still old-school so it isn't unusual for me to get a text asking if I can make him an appointment when he needs to see him.

My son uses MyChart for his doctor appointments now that he goes to a general practitioner. He actually went to his pediatrician through college. As for the dentist, this last time I just made appointments for all 3 of us when I was in for my last cleaning. (Husband, son and me)
A matter of convenience.

 

[kymom99]

Sorry GAN, I can't figure out how to get your post off multi-quote! It won't let me delete!

Anyway, to respond to Colleen 27, I agree and think sometimes we function as our adult child's "significant other" and that's okay. As a single person it can be hard not to have backup. I know when I was single sometimes friends, sometimes family, etc. functioned in that role for me and that's a good thing, IMO. It's like when you're moving furniture and you just need someone on the other end of the couch. I'm happy to be holding the other end of the couch for my adult children, and they do it for me as well.

That’s a great way to look at it! My son has no significant other so we are his support system and as time goes on, he is ours.

 

[JLTraveling]

It's possible, though, that their adult kids could be neurodivergent and struggle with executive dysfunction/really avoid talking on the phone. I don't know if my autistic teen has ever willingly made a phone call, but so far she hasn't really needed to. If, in the future, calling myself is what it took to get her to the doctor, then I'd do so. I always wonder why more doctors offices haven't adopted online scheduling.

Ugh, this. I am perfectly capable of calling and making my own appointments, and I generally do. But any, any, anytime online scheduling is available, I will jump on it, whether it's a doctor or a pizza delivery. I'm Aspie and I HATE talking on the phone to anyone I don't know well. Like I said, and I can and I do, but if there is ANY other option I will take it like a lifeline.

 

[JLTraveling]

Anyway, to respond to Colleen 27, I agree and think sometimes we function as our adult child's "significant other" and that's okay. As a single person it can be hard not to have backup. I know when I was single sometimes friends, sometimes family, etc. functioned in that role for me and that's a good thing, IMO. It's like when you're moving furniture and you just need someone on the other end of the couch. I'm happy to be holding the other end of the couch for my adult children, and they do it for me as well.

This too. My dad's widowed and has some chronic health problems. I'm single and work a lot of hours. He and I serve as each other's support system. It's just so much easier for both of us with someone on the other end of the couch. Excellent analogy!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Ugh, this. I am perfectly capable of calling and making my own appointments, and I generally do. But any, any, anytime online scheduling is available, I will jump on it, whether it's a doctor or a pizza delivery. I'm Aspie and I HATE talking on the phone to anyone I don't know well. Like I said, and I can and I do, but if there is ANY other option I will take it like a lifeline.

I'm like this as well although I'm not neurodivergent mostly because I was in a call center for years with non-stop phone calls. I'll call when I have to and sometimes it's better to do that but if I can just chat in or schedule something online I'll do it as a preferable way.

Generally many places do this now anyhow so it's less and less of an issue. I think a lot in my age group has to do with the digital era. We grew up with more and more resumes and job applications being online vs calling and going in person, things like that became very commonplace. It's easy to chat in with my bank, Amazon, etc. My husband has never called the cable company to get a reduced rate, he just chats in. And when he's gone for new plans on his phone he just chats in.

About the only place I have still consistently called is my eye doctor although I get a text reminder about "it's time to make an appointment".

 

[disykat]

I have to add another thought about adult children because I just texted my son and when he responded I found out he is currently 3000 miles across the country attending the funeral of his girlfriend's grandpa. I had no idea. It's weird realizing you literally have no idea where your "kids" are! Even though we lived in different states, my parents always let me know when they were traveling. I always do the same with my kids. Apparently they don't though!
I wonder if parents of adult females get more information than parents of adult males?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I have to add another thought about adult children because I just texted my son and when he responded I found out he is currently 3000 miles across the country attending the funeral of his girlfriend's grandpa. I had no idea. It's weird realizing you literally have no idea where your "kids" are! Even though we lived in different states, my parents always let me know when they were traveling. I always do the same with my kids. Apparently they don't though!
I wonder if parents of adult females get more information that parents of adult males?

I don't really know anyone who discloses every time they leave nor do I know anyone's parents who do the same. Gender doesn't seem to matter.

Sometime we only find out our in-laws are out of town when a sister-in-law calls to ask us to stop on over to check the pets because they are unable to, sometimes they only find out we're out of town when we check in on FB. My mother-in-law is now the primary caregiver to our cat when we're out of town but if she wasn't we wouldn't be sharing details all the time. I rarely knew when my mom was out of town visiting her old high school friend or going to the Lake.

We have our lives we're living, conversationally talking about what you're doing and where you're going absolutely occurs but not as a matter of keeping up with what so and so is doing. And this is also with my husband having a close close relationship with his parents and his sister having one as well. It just isn't a thing to give the comings and goings and the details. Never really occurred to do so. Probably is just more what so and so's family does or doesn't do.

 

[Pink Partridge]

I don't really know anyone who discloses every time they leave nor do I know anyone's parents who do the same.

We do.

We have a very active Whatsapp family chat. We have two adult children that travel extensively for their jobs. We know where they are going not because they need to report, but because we are a very chatty family One of them has a significant other that has joined our chat, and she fits right in. I love it!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

We do.

We have a very active Whatsapp family chat. We have two adult children that travel extensively for their jobs. We know where they are going not because they need to report, but because we are a very chatty family One of them has a significant other that has joined our chat, and she fits right in. I love it!

Well of course some people do. But I don't know anyone personally that does nor based on gender although I can understand that thought process.

None of have have Whatapp and in terms of texting and Facebook messaging that would require my mother-in-law to see the message which she is completely awful at. She refuses to clear her notifications and just misses things entirely so any group chats we've had have been seldom used for that reason lol. There was one time when my husband was away in CA working long-term that my sister-in-law and I had a full day long conversation including about getting together to do pizza and game night (which we had done regularly since my husband had left for out of town) and because my mother-in-law never answered her phone calls (because she rarely does can't find the phone or see that she had a missed call because again that would require paying attention to notifications lol) or the joint chat we never got together that week and then she had the gall (playfully said) to pout about having not seen us the week before. We both we're like "uhhhh did you not notice the conversation going!?!?"

But it's cute that y'all have that going

I'd ay my husband's family is chatting, the dinner conversations we have are uh interesting to say the least but we don't really say to ourselves "hey need to let so and so know we're out of town" nor do they do the same to us. We def. share plans at times and we'll talk about our trips after the fact just not as a matter of normalcy to do so for everything. And this is coming from my mother-in-law who used to tell one of the sister-in-law's that she couldn't leave a 50 mile radius via driving when I first met them (she was 16 at the time). Like we just went to Puerto Rico a few weeks back and my father-in-law only knew about it because of FB, mother-in-law knew because she was taking care of our cat but didn't know much about our trip really though she enjoyed seeing the photos in real time on FB.

 

[disykat]

None of us share much on FB, but we do get mention to our closest family if we're going somewhere. I don't think that's an unusual thing. My siblings and I are in my 60's and still tell each other when we're traveling. Usually it's to brag, but it's also influenced by having had family and friends who were traveling during highly publicized accidents. I don't like to talk much about either of those days, so my kids weren't influenced by it, but we all remember both incidents vividly and not without trauma. (We lost a family friend on one, the other one was simply a scare because my parents turned out to be scheduled on the next flight and were NOT the "American couple who died" we all heard about on the radio on the way to work.) After you've been through that you really want to have an idea of where your loved ones are and AREN'T!

 

[kymom99]

My siblings and I along with a niece and nephew have a frequent text conversation. My husband and his siblings would have no clue when anyone travels. One time we went to Disney without telling my MIL. When we returned we took pictures to show her. She was MAD that my husband didn’t tell her we went out of town.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I don't think that's an unusual thing.

Never said it was just that it's not something done with those I know, It's why I said probably more this family does or doesn't do. I mean it could have been entirely possibly my family did it but my husband's didn't or vice versa but in this case no one does and no one around us really does.

As far as incidents we were there in Vegas hours after the shooting it was not something we wanted to publicize to anyone (it was still technically not know if it was safe for several days right after it) and only reason my mom knew is because she was with us tagging along on my husband's business trip, a month prior we went to Disney/Universal during hurricane Irma and my mom blabbed all over FB including the weather person to a favorite station (no joke she made a comment to her and the weather person responded) about it and we were annoyed with her about that. But other family members didn't know where we had gone and only knew later about it.

I can understand if specific incidents more or less led to a feeling of needing to do so

 

[tvguy]

My mom was always available to bounce things off of. That continued until I was 55, when she passed away. And that was a two way street. She would consult me about financial, home upkeep, car upkeep and other issues in her life.
I will always be available to my children to do the same, and there are things they have knowledge of that they can help me with.
As things would have it, my daughter came over for lunch today and asked for feedback on something she is considering. She will be 32 in a few weeks and is considering selling her house and all her possessions and enrolling in a two year Masters Program in Germany. She sat at the table and we went over the pros and cons and she wrote them down and wants more feedback as we think of things. And one of the things we discussed is, even though on paper she has the financial resources to do this, is that she may need some financial help from us, or may have to move back in with us.
My son also asks our advice, and I ask his. But he moved 400 miles away, and is now a few miles away from his wife's parents, so they are the most frequently consulted parents.

I have been flamed for saying this here on the past, but for us, this is just what parents do. I was still my mother's child until she passed, and my wife and I will still be our children's parents and be there for them until we die.

The comment about doing taxes amused me. My daughter brought her taxes over, but I don't do taxes. But I will take her's to the CPA with mine.

 

[mrs. magoo]

I really think a lot of how you raise your kids is somewhat based on how you were raised. My mother died when I was 18. I had a brother who was 15 and a sister who was 13 at the time. My father was at a loss but insisted that I continue to live at college. When I was done with college I moved back home and my husband and I bought the house from him but he continues to live with us. I guess you could say I have never been on my own. My husband's mother died when he was 21. He is the baby of the family so his mom did a lot for him. Reading through the thread we continue to do much for our children (25, 24, 22, and soon to be 20). All 4 will graduate with no school loans and I still plan and pay for a family vacation every year. I do know that my life would have been very different if my mother hadn't passed away.

 

[amylevan]

I think it’s one thing to be there to provide advice or opinions when asked as the older and wiser one.

It’s quite another to still be doing everything for an early 20 something. There’s no reason to be picking up the phone to call your college student’s college advisor or employer. Make their doctors appointments as a nice thing to do when they’re busy, but they should know how to do it themself.

I had a long conversation this weekend with a friend who works with several state colleges, and she was basically saying as a whole, this generation has no coping skills. They can’t do anything on their own and can’t handle adversity at all. That’s not exactly what we’re discussing here, but yet, I can see them being hand in hand. Let your kids fail. Let them try to figure it out themselves before you jump in to fix it or tell them what to do. They need those skills.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have to add another thought about adult children because I just texted my son and when he responded I found out he is currently 3000 miles across the country attending the funeral of his girlfriend's grandpa. I had no idea. It's weird realizing you literally have no idea where your "kids" are! Even though we lived in different states, my parents always let me know when they were traveling. I always do the same with my kids. Apparently they don't though!
I wonder if parents of adult females get more information than parents of adult males?

We have an active family chat, I always know what state my kids are in. Ds24 just returned from a 9 day trip to Columbia with his friends, I paid for the Verizon travel pass on his phone (we all have it, added years ago, $10 a day when in use). He lives 8 minutes away, his office is 1 1/4 hours away near his girlfriend, I rarely know where he sleeps on a day to day basis. My daughter in SC usually lets me know about road trips, she’d going to the DR spring break, my daughter in Boston let’s us know when she’s traveling (not to keep us informed, just conversation). My sister travels so often that I don’t know about all of her trips (United premier 1K status, made out well in the divorce).

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My daughter brought her taxes over, but I don't do taxes. But I will take her's to the CPA with mine.

The first year I did my taxes we did it at my mom's CPA. It was too much money to be charged for the services as I hardly had any complications but my mom never did her own taxes even though they were hardly complicated either, being charged $250 (that was what the CPA charged my mom, they charged me $50) just meant my mom hardly got any money or owed money but that was how she did things. It can be understandable for some kids to know know how to do taxes if their parents never really did theirs no matter how simple it is but I'd include that in a book about at least where to seek information on doing it. Most software is free to file too for simple taxes.

However I would say it was actually a good thing for the first year for me because the CPA knew my family's history and knew how things were with my dad. He was the one that had been claiming me as a dependent on his taxes but the year that I claimed myself I fell under the IRS's definition of being able to do so and in order for that to occur I basically had to beat the clock and file my taxes as soon as possible. I would not have known to do that without the CPA's advice who knew my family's situation so software wouldn't have been able to tell me that. And it was a good thing because months and months later near Thanksgiving I got a letter from the IRS saying basically to the tune of "one or more persons has tried to claim you as a dependent but as you have filed and we have accepted we have blocked the other from claiming you".

 

[tvguy]

The first year I did my taxes we did it at my mom's CPA. It was too much money to be charged for the services as I hardly had any complications but my mom never did her own taxes even though they were hardly complicated either, being charged $250 (that was what the CPA charged my mom, they charged me $50) just meant my mom hardly got any money or owed money but that was how she did things. It can be understandable for some kids to know know how to do taxes if their parents never really did theirs no matter how simple it is but I'd include that in a book about at least where to seek information on doing it. Most software is free to file too for simple taxes.

However I would say it was actually a good thing for the first year for me because the CPA knew my family's history and knew how things were with my dad. He was the one that had been claiming me as a dependent on his taxes but the year that I claimed myself I fell under the IRS's definition of being able to do so and in order for that to occur I basically had to beat the clock and file my taxes as soon as possible. I would not have known to do that without the CPA's advice who knew my family's situation so software wouldn't have been able to tell me that. And it was a good thing because months and months later near Thanksgiving I got a letter from the IRS saying basically to the tune of "one or more persons has tried to claim you as a dependent but as you have filed and we have accepted we have blocked the other from claiming you".

Wow, how long ago was that? $250 is a bargain for a CPA to do taxes.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Wow, how long ago was that? $250 is a bargain for a CPA to do taxes.

Hmm...maybe 17 years ago?? IDK for that time it was a lot for the type of tax situation my mom had, when she could have done it for free online..