Parenting and adult kids

[Pea-n-Me]

Trust me….I’m not talking about serious medical issues…..

I mentioned in my post about making appointments and going alone for easy things - like an ear infection. I mentioned how when my DD19 needed her surgeries I did go with.
Something serious is way different than an ear infection or strep throat.

I think people are reading way to much into my post. It was about making your adult child’s appointments instead of letting them do it themselves, and I’m not talking about special needs adults - obviously those people need the assistance.

That’s the thing, though. It seemed like a run-of-the-mill thing originally - but it wasn’t.

 

[CdnCarrie]

That’s the thing, though. It seemed like a run-of-the-mill thing originally - but it wasn’t.

I think what happened in your situation was a very awful unfortunate one off.
No one can have their parent go with them to every doctor's appointment forever. At what point do you stop? When you get married and then the spouse has to come every time?

I think in Slo's situation that anyone over 18 can make a chiropractor's appointment for themselves.

 

[slo]

I could never imagine that you would be outwardly rude.

Thank you for this.

I’ve been working with the public for 35 years and I’ve had a lot of things drive me crazy, and I’ve never been rude, because I love people, which is why I continue working with the public. I’m very good at hiding my feelings - I treat others as I’d like to be treated. I can ask people to do things in a friendly and polite manner while having it drive me crazy - LOL!

Trust me….I’m pretty certain I’ve driven other people crazy in different places - I’m not perfect.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think what happened in your situation was a very awful unfortunate one off.
No one can have their parent go with them to every doctor's appointment forever. At what point do you stop? When you get married and then the spouse has to come every time?

I think in Slo's situation that anyone over 18 can make a chiropractor's appointment for themselves.

My daughter’s started going to the chiropractor in middle school, since it was next to the school they went alone and I picked them up after, although turn out she was a horrible chiropractor, my daughter was diagnosed with severe scoliosis at 16, chiropractor never mentioned it.

 

[slo]

That’s the thing, though. It seemed like a run-of-the-mill thing originally - but it wasn’t

What happened with your son is scary and I’m very glad he’s ok now

In the end….none of us can go into a doctors appointment with our adult child unless they say it’s ok. In our office, I’ve seen both - some adult children ask their parents to come with and some flat out tell their parents no - whatever they want is what we respect.

 

[Colleen27]

Sorry GAN, I can't figure out how to get your post off multi-quote! It won't let me delete!

Anyway, to respond to Colleen 27, I agree and think sometimes we function as our adult child's "significant other" and that's okay. As a single person it can be hard not to have backup. I know when I was single sometimes friends, sometimes family, etc. functioned in that role for me and that's a good thing, IMO. It's like when you're moving furniture and you just need someone on the other end of the couch. I'm happy to be holding the other end of the couch for my adult children, and they do it for me as well.

That's a great way to describe it. And it is a lot of the same boring business stuff I handle for my own household, things like being there during working hours for a repair guy or delivery, making the occasional appointment, dealing with stupid snafus like when the city lost his owner-occupant paperwork twice and kept trying to tell him he needed a rental occupancy permit. Basically the things that used to make my mother joke that if she ever remarried it would be because she needed a housewife.

I have to add another thought about adult children because I just texted my son and when he responded I found out he is currently 3000 miles across the country attending the funeral of his girlfriend's grandpa. I had no idea. It's weird realizing you literally have no idea where your "kids" are! Even though we lived in different states, my parents always let me know when they were traveling. I always do the same with my kids. Apparently they don't though!
I wonder if parents of adult females get more information than parents of adult males?

I'm not sure if it is a matter of gender or of communication styles, but I definitely get more information out of my daughter even though she's a lot further away than I do from my son. I could see my son going away without mentioning it to me, if not for the fact that I'm his pet sitter and vice versa, but I've usually got a pretty good sense of what my daughter has going on just because we touch base so often on our silly messenger chat of shared news stories, memes, events, etc. and she's always mentioned travel plans and shared photos in real time that way. DS is more purposeful about communication and less inclined "just to chat", so I'm not as aware of his day-to-day goings on.

 

[Colleen27]

Was mad at myself for not going to some of his earlier appts, where I could’ve likely asked the right questions or shared some concerns in a different way that might’ve prevented some of this.

As a long time nurse, I have a very good working relationship with all of my doctors, including dentists, and even veterinarians. If I don’t - and that includes their staff - then I go elsewhere. We had a pediatrician that we loved. When it came time to move up to an adult primary care, she said my kids didn’t have to for a while, and staff would treat everything the same even though they had turned 18. Well, that wasn’t actually the case. And it turned out to be part of the problem here. It caused DS to feel anxious at appointments and not want to rock the boat in any way, so whatever they said, he went along with.

This is another of those "parenting young adults" lessons I've found myself working on with my kids this year. My son is excellent about it. He's bright, a good researcher, and not afraid to ask "but what about..." or "it isn't getting better, could it be a different problem". But both my daughter and my bonus son have had medical issues this year that were initially blown off by the first doctor they saw. DD21 knew she didn't want to continue with that doctor and asked for my help finding an alternative, at which point we talked about some of the health care rating sites and ways to research, and she found someone she likes. DS22 had a much harder time advocating for himself and eventually asked me to come to one of his appointments, when he was meeting with his doctor just to discuss test results. Not only is he very deferential to authority in a way I know his mother tried very hard to instill, he also has anxiety and was dealing with very serious symptoms and one hospitalization and just found it easier to speak up with me there.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Not in my world. This is what I do for a living.

I know what you do for a living, I'm talking about what other posters are giving their opinions on. Clearly if you created a thread and asked the question of "what would you do" and gave all the details you did, you'd get certain responses. But that was not what people had been discussing when it came to them observing tasks parents had done for their children. So in terms of Slo's observation I'd say your example is an extreme of that situation.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

My daughter’s started going to the chiropractor in middle school, since it was next to the school they went alone and I picked them up after, although turn out she was a horrible chiropractor, my daughter was diagnosed with severe scoliosis at 16, chiropractor never mentioned it.

Speaking of chiropractors have you ever heard of Mondragon Chiropractor? She has a slew of youtube videos. I think she's in FL and people def. travel all over to get her services. Scoliosis..that would be tricky but in any case she's hands down the best one I've watched. She explains things to people, shows them how to move their bodies, any stretching devices, she listens to her patients in how they are and always gets constant feedback on how they feel. Anyway just sharing because I find her fascinating. I've learned a lot about even my body just by watching her videos.

 

[mjkacmom]

Speaking of chiropractors have you ever heard of Mondragon Chiropractor? She has a slew of youtube videos. I think she's in FL and people def. travel all over to get her services. Scoliosis..that would be tricky but in any case she's hands down the best one I've watched. She explains things to people, shows them how to move their bodies, any stretching devices, she listens to her patients in how they are and always gets constant feedback on how they feel. Anyway just sharing because I find her fascinating. I've learned a lot about even my body just by watching her videos.

Very interesting, I’ll look her up! My daughter is in here dpt program in Boston, but flies to Florida several times a year to visit her boyfriend of 4 years, he’s in chiropractic school and plans on opening a practice someday.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Very interesting, I’ll look her up! My daughter is in here dpt program in Boston, but flies to Florida several times a year to visit her boyfriend of 4 years, he’s in chiropractic school and plans on opening a practice someday.

Looking her up she's in Orlando. She has a whimsy about her that I think people connect with too.

 

[mjkacmom]

Looking her up she's in Orlando. She has a whimsy about her that I think people connect with too.

Well, it turns out that my daughter’s boyfriend is getting his doctorate at Palmer chiropractic, same place she got her doctorate. Talk about small world, I just texted my daughter.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Well, it turns out that my daughter’s boyfriend is getting his doctorate at Palmer chiropractic, same place she got her doctorate. Talk about small world, I just texted my daughter.

Wow that is a small world! I couldn't claim to be an expert on how she does in comparisons to others but just from watching her and some other ones IMO she's soooo much better than they are. It also looks easy to us but boy you have got to have strength and muscles to do all that work on someone's body like that so props to your daughter's boyfriend for doing it.

 

[mjkacmom]

Wow that is a small world! I couldn't claim to be an expert on how she does in comparisons to others but just from watching her and some other ones IMO she's soooo much better than they are. It also looks easy to us but boy you have got to have strength and muscles to do all that work on someone's body like that so props to your daughter's boyfriend for doing it.

They are both fitness/health nuts (she drives me nuts sometimes as I am neither). She has a video date with him tonight and is going to bring her up, I sent her a link.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

Never did I say I was rude. Just because something drives me crazy doesn’t mean I was rude. There are lots of things that drive me crazy and I’d be willing to bet there are lots of things that drive you crazy too.

If I’m rude for asking a parent if I can speak to their adult child that’s standing right next to them, instead of a go between conversation, then I guess I’m guilty.

I never said that you were rude. I have no idea how you talk to parents that (right or wrong) are stepping in for their adult children. You wrote in your post 3 times that it drove you crazy when parents did that. Thats why I said that the office manager that I encountered could have been you. I most likely was driving her crazy by attempting to check my son in.

I hardly think that you're being rude by asking to speak to an adult child who is standing next to their parent.

I was sharing my experience and how I was treated by someone who most certainly didnt want to speak to a parent. In doing so, I was giving an example of how something may have appeared to be something it wasnt. In my case, my son had already done PT for 3 months at home before college. I would drop him off (he couldnt drive due to the knee injury) and pick him up with never even going into the office building. I only briefly met his PT when he called me and asked me to come in for his last appt. before my son went to college, to go over a few things. So while I'm the furthest thing from being an over bearing parent, I had all the appearances of one at the first appt at the new PT office and I was totally turned off in how I was treated.

 

[slo]

I never said that you were rude. I have no idea how you talk to parents that (right or wrong) are stepping in for their adult children. You wrote in your post 3 times that it drove you crazy when parents did that. Thats why I said that the office manager that I encountered could have been you. I most likely was driving her crazy by attempting to check my son in.

I hardly think that you're being rude by asking to speak to an adult child who is standing next to their parent.

I was sharing my experience and how I was treated by someone who most certainly didnt want to speak to a parent. In doing so, I was giving an example of how something may have appeared to be something it wasnt. In my case, my son had already done PT for 3 months at home before college. I would drop him off (he couldnt drive due to the knee injury) and pick him up with never even going into the office building. I only briefly met his PT when he called me and asked me to come in for his last appt. before my son went to college, to go over a few things. So while I'm the furthest thing from being an over bearing parent, I had all the appearances of one at the first appt at the new PT office and I was totally turned off in how I was

It’s all good

In the end, we all do what we think is best for our child - my best isn’t your best and your best isn’t someone else’s best. As long as our kids, young or adult, are safe and happy that’s all that matters.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Pardon me for the late response I’ve been busy working.

Maybe I shouldn’t bother opening this can of worms up again but I also don’t want to be misunderstood.

I think what happened in your situation was a very awful unfortunate one off.
No one can have their parent go with them to every doctor's appointment forever. At what point do you stop? When you get married and then the spouse has to come every time?

I think in Slo's situation that anyone over 18 can make a chiropractor's appointment for themselves.

I never said that every parent should go to every appt with every child. That’s just ridiculous.
What I tried to impart was that there can be times that a family member *of any age* may need a little support at a doctor’s appt and that they shouldn’t be automatically turned away, necessarily. (Naturally the patient has to actually want a person there, that should go without saying.) People can develop instincts about these things because they know the person better. It behooves us as practitioners to listen to them.

I know what you do for a living, I'm talking about what other posters are giving their opinions on. Clearly if you created a thread and asked the question of "what would you do" and gave all the details you did, you'd get certain responses. But that was not what people had been discussing when it came to them observing tasks parents had done for their children. So in terms of Slo's observation I'd say your example is an extreme of that situation.

I know you know what I do for a living - sort of. From your comments I can tell that you really don’t understand the depth of it.

To the bolded, it’s not, though, that’s my point. Things happen to people, sometimes suddenly, and sometimes when they’re usually well. Sometimes serious, life threatening things. That is what I do for a living, And in my son’s case, I instinctually knew something was wrong, and that it was likely more than a virus, yet I let him handle it himself, and I had regrets about that that one time. There is no comparison to what I know and what my son knew. But because some office staff had portrayed an unwillingness to welcome parents past the age of 18 - despite our pediatrician saying they would - I tried to be a good Doo Bee and let him handle it himself, when in reality, bad things were happening in his body and likely could’ve been prevented had I been more involved.

At any rate, that’s why a statement like that is upsetting to some of us.

BELIEVE ME, WHEN IT’S YOUR OWN FAMILY MEMBERS, YOU FEEL DIFFERENTLY!
I try to treat all patients like they’re my own family members.

Have a good day. That’s all I‘ll have to say about it after this post.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

know you know what I do for a living - sort of. From your comments I can tell that you really don’t understand the depth of it.

To the bolded, it’s not, though, that’s my point. Things happen to people, sometimes suddenly, and sometimes when they’re usually well. Sometimes serious, life threatening things. That is what I do for a living, And in my son’s case, I instinctually knew something was wrong, and that it was likely more than a virus, yet I let him handle it himself, and I had regrets about that that one time. There is no comparison to what I know and what my son knew. But because some office staff had portrayed an unwillingness to welcome parents past the age of 18 - despite our pediatrician saying they would - I tried to be a good Doo Bee and let him handle it himself, when in reality, bad things were happening in his body and likely could’ve been prevented had I been more involved.

At any rate, that’s why a statement like that is upsetting to some of us.

BELIEVE ME, WHEN IT’S YOUR OWN FAMILY MEMBERS, YOU FEEL DIFFERENTLY!
I try to treat all patients like they’re my own family members.

Have a good day. That’s all I‘ll have to say about it after this post.

I think you can see that I'm not the only one who viewed what you said the way I commented.

I think you know we would all feel a certain way with respects to family members, what Slo said wasn't about a medical emergency or being in an office where serious medical things are just day to day activities which as I understand you have more of that.

Like Carrie mentioned how long can parents go to doctor's appoints or fill out the forms for their kids or make the appointments for their kids and if you're in an office and you see that quite frequently I think I can trust that person's observations too. That was why when you described what you did I said it was the more extreme. I'm sorry you feel like that's not an apt description but truly from what the conversations had been about discussing someone who has non-stop vomiting, Bilateral pneumonia. Rhabdomyolysis, screaming in pain. Kidney failure. Possible pulmonary embolism is a rather hard left take on Slo venting about parents making appointments for their 25 year olds, or the kid standing next to the parent but the parent is taking over the appointment stuff along with their adult child having to ask permission of when they can come in. I didn't comment on about the emotional aspect of how someone would feel in that situation, I spoke about how that was vastly different than what Slo had been talking about.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think you can see that I'm not the only one who viewed what you said the way I commented.

I think you know we would all feel a certain way with respects to family members, what Slo said wasn't about a medical emergency or being in an office where serious medical things are just day to day activities which as I understand you have more of that.

Like Carrie mentioned how long can parents go to doctor's appoints or fill out the forms for their kids or make the appointments for their kids and if you're in an office and you see that quite frequently I think I can trust that person's observations too. That was why when you described what you did I said it was the more extreme. I'm sorry you feel like that's not an apt description but truly from what the conversations had been about discussing someone who has non-stop vomiting, Bilateral pneumonia. Rhabdomyolysis, screaming in pain. Kidney failure. Possible pulmonary embolism is a rather hard left take on Slo venting about parents making appointments for their 25 year olds, or the kid standing next to the parent but the parent is taking over the appointment stuff along with their adult child having to ask permission of when they can come in. I didn't comment on about the emotional aspect of how someone would feel in that situation, I spoke about how that was vastly different than what Slo had been talking about.

Mackenzie - stuff happens.

For several weeks before he advanced to critical condition, he had somewhat routine symptoms. Run-of-the-mill stuff, but likely pneumonia (which I felt), yet they never treated it. He was putting in long days at college, starting at 5am and ending well into the evening as a student athlete. Young people do that. They have more energy than us older folks so they can sometimes keep going even when their bodies aren’t well.

He was told he just had a virus, so he kept going. And it nearly killed him.

His illness progressed to all of the other things because he wasn't treated correctly.
This is sometimes how these things happen. I hear stories like it every day. And I’m not lying when I say I understand.

I’m not sure how else I can say that he went from being up and functional one day to critically ill the next.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Mackenzie - stuff happens.

For several weeks before he advanced to critical condition, he had somewhat routine symptoms. Run-of-the-mill stuff, but likely pneumonia (which I felt), yet they never treated it. He was putting in long days at college, starting at 5am and ending well into the evening as a student athlete. Young people do that. They have more energy than us older folks so they can sometimes keep going when their bodies aren’t well.

He was told he had a virus, so he kept going. And it nearly killed him.

His illness progressed to all of the other things because he wasn't treated correctly.
This is sometimes how these things happen. I hear stories like it every day. And I’m not lying when I say I understand.

I’m not sure how else I can say that he went from being up and functional one day to critically ill the next.

I get it...we all get it, you're right stuff happens. This may be one of the cases where it's like whew okay moment. You were getting at Slo making sorta a guilt trip post. She's just talking about in general stuff when she sees mid-20s come in with their parents taking over the appointments frequently enough in a pattern and I think we all can think of a group of parents that do that, she was just talking about that group letting their kids take the reign. Maybe you don't trust that she would discern with her own knowledge and expertise in her occupation to be able to quickly switch it up but I do. 'Bout all I can say on that