Parenting and adult kids

[Southernmiss]

I know another parenting thread. What could go wrong?

Just thinking how there are tons of books on raising babies and toddlers, but not much after that.

And many of us wish they had books as the years and situations get tougher.

What would you want included in a book for parents of older kids, teens, young adults?

 

[Magical2017]

There are parenting books out there, like "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen for Teens." We tend to get ADHD books to help our teenaged son.

 

[Southernmiss]

What precipitated this thread

Our 25 year old came home to have us help with his taxes. Because he was a college student, he was a rider on our taxes we filed until this year. He's started his first professional career as a pharmacist this year and it's time for him to do his own taxes.

He and I sat at the computer and got him started on filing his taxes. Once he was set up, I backed away and just answered questions. Dh, an auditor by profession, reviewed his forms before he hit send. (Thanks to the tax thread here, he used FreeTaxUSA.)

We also had good discussions about his budget and paying off student loans.

He is also considering moving from a shared apartment to one by himself so we discussed what he could afford based on that budget and making a list of wants, etc.

Next week, we will ride with our 24 year old to a different part of the country as he decides on which medical school to attend.

I realize many parents turn kids loose at 18, if not before, and don't look back.

But I think it's helpful to have others to bounce ideas off of and glad they trust us to be a part of their decisions.

 

[Southernmiss]

There are parenting books out there, like "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen for Teens." We tend to get ADHD books to help our teenaged son.

Good to know. Maybe this will help other parents of teens.

And books on ADHD- any titles you would recommend?

One of our adult sons was recently diagnosed.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

I'm not a parent so I'm ready to be immediately thrown out of this thread or told I could not possibly have any idea what I'm talking about which is fine. But since I apparently didn't learn my lesson from the last parenting thread I will give my opinion anyway! LOL.

I was definitely doing my own taxes by 25 and by then had graduated college, done 2 years of Teach for America, and started law school. My parents definitely were not involved in what law schools I applied to nor which one I decided to attend (I was 24 when I started). So both of those examples seem overinvolved to me, but who cares what I think as long as your kids are happy and asking for your advice/help. For what it's worth, my parents weren't the type to turn kids loose at 18 so I don't mean to say that they didn't care or weren't involved in my life. We have a very good relationship and are very close, but I was way more independent than that. By contrast, my younger brother tended to let them do whatever they were willing to for him for as long as possible. He's a successful executive with a family and doing just fine so I don't think there was any harm in it.

In my personal opinion young to mid 20 year olds tend to be treated like they are still children when they are more than capable adults (barring special circumstances). But you've raised a pharmacist and a child going to med school so overall it sounds to me like you have two independent adults on your hands who just happen to really appreciate your input which is great!

 

[disykat]

I think the absolute HARDEST part of being a parent for me has been letting them go. We felt like we did a pretty good job of sort of shepherding them into young adulthood and gradually letting go, but it's still hard to do it!

The OP is doing it right, IMO, because the adult children are independent but still coming to them to ask advice at times. That's the way it should be, the child knowing they can ask for advice, etc. and hopefully still wanting to sometimes. I love when my adult kids ask us about things and/or invite us to weigh in on some of their decision making! I left home and 17 and functioned very independently, but my parents were still an important part of my life and I wanted their opinions my whole life. That was one of the most difficult parts of their dementia journeys - losing that springboard for ideas. It's weird to be in my 60's and still wishing I could ask my dad's opinion on certain things, but I think that's the way it should be.

 

[Kitty 34]

I used to always say they needed a chapter on those "years right after high school/college" years.

But that's long ago now for me. I love my final chapters.......the Grandkids' years.

 

[PollyannaMom]

What would you want included in a book for parents of older kids, teens, young adults?

Everything! - I didn't even know what I didn't know.

But the biggest thing is how to stay close to them - how to gradually replace the adult-child relationship with an adult-adult relationship, instead of just "letting go" of the old one and trying to build the new one from scratch.

 

[dreamer17555]

I have a 21 yo DD. The goal I keep in mind when interacting with her is that if there is an emergency and she needs help (some stuff she can absolutely handle on her own) her first thought is “Call Mom” and not “My mom is going to kill me.”

My job at this time is to have her back and be on her team while letting her make decisions. I don’t have to love every choice she makes but I am on her side no matter what.

 

[QueenIsabella]

For a neurotypical adult child, by the time they hit their mid-20's, your role should be more advisory/peer-to-peer. I graduated college at 21 and moved 200 miles away from my parents--they didn't help me with anything, except Dad would still change my oil for me (probably still would, if he were alive!). By 23, I had a career, a husband, and a house--little to no parental involvement beyond stuff like, "Can I have your meatball recipe?" kinds of things.

For my own kids, DD27 has been fiercely independent from the jump. She lives 800 miles away with her long-term boyfriend. She chose where to get her master's and her field of study, just like she chose her undergrad stuff. She's not getting rich or famous, but she's happy and thriving.

OTOH, DS25 is autistic and has anxiety and depression. The anxiety, by far, is most limiting. He'll probably always have to live adjacent to family. OTOH, he works full-time, goes to school part-time, picks his own classes, and is capable of most life tasks. (He'll drive his car to/from work, but not elsewhere, and still needs me with him for dental appointments, for example).

DD19 is doing great, living on campus. She also has anxiety, but just this week, she got kicked out of therapy (in the nicest way possible--she's managing just fine). She goes to school locally, which turned out to be absolutely the best thing for her--best of both worlds, on campus, but able to drop home any time. For grad school, she'll move away, and I think she'll be ready at that point.

DS16 is another independent one, he can't wait to move out on his own. He's ready. One college he likes is over 500 miles away--we're more concerned about that than he is.

It really depends on the child in front of you. We've tried to give all of them the skills they need, as well as the support and encouragement that they're smart, competent adults.

 

[Magical2017]

Good to know. Maybe this will help other parents of teens.

And books on ADHD- any titles you would recommend?

One of our adult sons was recently diagnosed.

If he sees a therapist, I would ask him for a recommendation for young adults. I think it would be different from the teen book. We have asked our teen to read over the books, as well.

 

[kymom99]

My son is taking a different journey and it’s difficult to stand back. It doesn’t help that, like a PP described in her brother, he will let us do whatever for him as long as he is here at home. When he’s away, he’s pretty independent. Every case is different but it’s hard to know as a parent what our kids truly need from us.

My son is 23. He graduated with a degree in park and rec. He went away to college and took care of his business. But when at home he lets me take care of things unless I nag him. He has lived far away twice for internships and I couldn’t have been more proud of him. He worked locally last season and the job ended in November. He made no effort to find a temporary job for winter until it was too late and here he sits. He doesn’t go out much so he’s bored. Fortunately he saved money and has no loans but we aren’t asking to contribute much financially. He helps out around here if we ask. He was going to go back to his old job in March, which is in his field but has no career potential. Fortunately last week he landed a seasonal job out of state with the national park service. That’s been his goal but it’s a hard road. Lots of competition. We will go with him to help him get set up there then we will let him do his thing. I confess to texting every day when he’s gone. That’s for safety as much as anything. I’ve already told him in October if he comes home he has to have a job lined up here.

One thing I sometimes struggle with is accepting that my child is not going to be well off. He will not have a prestigious career. On one hand, I am proud that he isn’t concerned with material things. My concern is that I don’t want him to struggle.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

My son is taking a different journey and it’s difficult to stand back. It doesn’t help that, like a PP described in her brother, he will let us do whatever for him as long as he is here at home. When he’s away, he’s pretty independent. Every case is different but it’s hard to know as a parent what our kids truly need from us.

My son is 23. He graduated with a degree in park and rec. He went away to college and took care of his business. But when at home he lets me take care of things unless I nag him. He has lived far away twice for internships and I couldn’t have been more proud of him. He worked locally last season and the job ended in November. He made no effort to find a temporary job for winter until it was too late and here he sits. He doesn’t go out much so he’s bored. Fortunately he saved money and has no loans but we aren’t asking to contribute much financially. He helps out around here if we ask. He was going to go back to his old job in March, which is in his field but has no career potential. Fortunately last week he landed a seasonal job out of state with the national park service. That’s been his goal but it’s a hard road. Lots of competition. We will go with him to help him get set up there then we will let him do his thing. I confess to texting every day when he’s gone. That’s for safety as much as anything. I’ve already told him in October if he comes home he has to have a job lined up here.

One thing I sometimes struggle with is accepting that my child is not going to be well off. He will not have a prestigious career. On one hand, I am proud that he isn’t concerned with material things. My concern is that I don’t want him to struggle.

You sound like great parents who are doing your best. I know I have changed careers in my mid 40s and my parents are concerned about me financially, but we (me and DH) are doing fine, my mental health is much better, and I don't miss the "prestige" of my old job. I wish your son nothing but success. He will find his way!

 

[kcool]

What precipitated this thread

Our 25 year old came home to have us help with his taxes. Because he was a college student, he was a rider on our taxes we filed until this year. He's started his first professional career as a pharmacist this year and it's time for him to do his own taxes.

He and I sat at the computer and got him started on filing his taxes. Once he was set up, I backed away and just answered questions. Dh, an auditor by profession, reviewed his forms before he hit send. (Thanks to the tax thread here, he used FreeTaxUSA.)

We also had good discussions about his budget and paying off student loans.

He is also considering moving from a shared apartment to one by himself so we discussed what he could afford based on that budget and making a list of wants, etc.

Next week, we will ride with our 24 year old to a different part of the country as he decides on which medical school to attend.

I realize many parents turn kids loose at 18, if not before, and don't look back.

But I think it's helpful to have others to bounce ideas off of and glad they trust us to be a part of their decisions.

We parent a little like you do. Ours is 22 in his 2nd year of law school. He still comes to us to ask questions and we will always be here to listen. He is free to make his own choices, but glad he is still interested in our opinion. Letting go and letting them learn and experience is hard sometimes. I have to sometimes step back and realize it is my own anxiety talking and to not let him (them, the other is 18) in on my worries. We also traveled with him when he chose his law school. My husband and I didn’t have parents to “lead” us when we got together and that was hard. After 25 years of marriage there are still things we wish we had a mentor to ask questions.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I'd have a book that was put together with life skills type stuff. Gaps in knowledge can often be just simply the parent doesn't know or hadn't had to deal with it or never thought to impart the information on.

Oh youtube and random blogs have been invaluable to us over the years. You need to put in a new radiator on a 20 year old car only made for 6 years? Yeah there's a youtube video for that.

But it would more or less include stage appropriate information to pass down. I'm coming at this from my own viewpoint.

Things like taxes I cannot imagine not doing my taxes until age 25, by that age I was basically getting a mortgage . Tax stuff changes but really more like the basics and how to talk about information on a W-2 and how to go about exemptions and what that means.

Changing tires although that one is becoming more obsolete with cars not having spares as much. Along with that jack stands and car lifts and how to use them.

Probably the most random thing I can think of both my husband and I despite the knowledge we both had (mostly gained by us rather than given to us by our parents) is that cool whip tubs? Yeah they are frozen in the grocery store. Don't even want to disclose how old we were when we figured that IRL nugget of truth like why oh why did our parents not shed some light there

I totally agree with the poster discussing adjusting what the relationship looks like it's a good way of phrasing it rather than let go change what the relationship means. On the other hand for those parents who have held on entirely too tight...those parents need to let go in order to change what the relationship means.

 

[Southernmiss]

I completely get the 'wow, I did my taxes much earlier than that and hit xyz milestones earlier' reactions.

I did my taxes with a pencil and the little book at age 17 and never had help.

Dh and I were married at 21 and bought our first home at 23. And never looked back. Occasionally, we had advice from parents, but we also had each other to bounce thoughts off of.

We've adjusted as times and length of college and cost of college is different now for our kids. In many ways, delayed entry in working in their career field has delayed them being fully on their own.

But our kids (oldest is 29 and a CPA, he only needed a masters to do well in his field and was on his own by 22) are already earning more than dh with just a masters degree and 30 years in his profession.

 

[dreamer17555]

Thinking about the tax situation… my daughter uses online software but there are plenty of things I thought I had taught her but clearly forgot.

Latest one- that if your brown sugar gets hard you don’t need to buy some more. Just place it in the microwave next to a cup of water and cook on high for two minutes. The steam loosens it back up… saved her a trip to the store but was surprised she made it to 21 without me showing her that.

 

[kymom99]

I did my own taxes at some point but I messed them up. Forgot to claim a payout from a retirement account I got from Kmart after I quit there. The irs caught it and adjusted my refund. I was feeling around in the dark with that but I tried on my own anyway. I pay someone to do them now, so there’s that.

I sent my son to have our lady do his taxes last year because he had income from 3 different states. I was out of my league. She charged him $25. He went to school with her grandson.

 

[QueenIsabella]

We pay for our accountant to do everyone's taxes. My kids have various accounts/earnings, beyond earned income. It's not wildly complicated, but there are a few twists. We asked DD27 if she wanted to do her taxes--or, more likely, have her finance/econ double major boyfriend do them, and she declined. Which is fine. She does control all her own finances, except for one trust that will pay out when she turns 30. I have no idea how she invests the accounts she controls.

 

[JLTraveling]

I'd have a book that was put together with life skills type stuff.

My dad has that book! It's called the Practical Problem Solver, and I think it came out sometime in the 60s or 70s. He's long since moved on to YouTube videos, but I remember him pulling out that book a lot when I was a kid.

On topic: I don't have kids, but I like how my parents handled it with me. Got a job? Do your own taxes. We're here to answer questions, but not to do it for you. Pretty much the same thing even now: I've always been expected to be basically competent and able to figure things out, but always able to ask questions and get advice, or even just bounce ideas around.