Parenting and adult kids

[Colleen27]

Interesting timing on this one as it was tax day here - two of my boys brought over their paperwork to borrow my computer to do their taxes, because it is easier on the laptop than on a phone and they don't have a computer at their place. I'm here to consult and always end up helping the younger (22) more than the older (25), not as a matter of age but one of personality, but they mostly do it themselves. DD21 does hers without help, but she's on the other side of the country and can't come home during filing season so she's had to master doing things herself more quickly than the boys, who are less than an hour from home.

 

[mjkacmom]

All of my children have done their own taxes with DH available for questions. He went to his parents yesterday and brought home their stuff to do their taxes, first year my FIL is allowing him to do them and not just assist (he’s 95). Our kids really use us a lot as mentors. My 26 year old is finally on her own health insurance plan, we schools her on deductibles and health savings accounts. I asked her if she did her annual vehicle registration that I forwarded to her, she told me she didn’t need to, they sent her one every year in the mail (um, because I filled it out and paid it when you were on our insurance). Ds24 was referred to a medical specialist, turns out not in our network, who scheduled a surgery for him. Um, dude, do you want to pay the $7000 out of network deductible? Dd21 had me look at some vrbo rentals in Nashville for spring break. I’m encouraging ds20 to make some money donating plasma (college student with no job besides the occasional door dash). DH is getting him re-certified as a soccer ref (he has some mental health issues and psychiatric care is difficult these days so we also help with that). Dd20 has some more actuary internships coming up so DH is helping her with some questions. My parents were my go to for advice until they passed.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I asked her if she did her annual vehicle registration that I forwarded to her, she told me she didn’t need to, they sent her one every year in the mail (um, because I filled it out and paid it when you were on our insurance).

That's the sort of thing I don't get not being told about. Like I paid for my own car insurance when I got my car when I was a senior in high school and I paid for the property tax/tags on it too. At the time those were in my mom's name (insurance and tags) but it's not like this wasn't my responsibility though and I knew when I needed to pay them (each month for the car insurance and each April for the car tags). If a parent wants to front the costs it's whatev but it's that lack of understanding of what's actually going on that usually gets people going, such as why people are talking about taxes, and why people lament the Millennial (and now Gen Z) generation get out years later into the world with large gaps of knowledge.

The medical thing that gets everyone and is why we now have protection laws with respects to surprise medical expenses because in-network/out-of-network is very tricky at times.

 

[DCLMP]

What precipitated this thread

Our 25 year old came home to have us help with his taxes. Because he was a college student, he was a rider on our taxes we filed until this year. He's started his first professional career as a pharmacist this year and it's time for him to do his own taxes.

He and I sat at the computer and got him started on filing his taxes. Once he was set up, I backed away and just answered questions. Dh, an auditor by profession, reviewed his forms before he hit send. (Thanks to the tax thread here, he used FreeTaxUSA.)

We also had good discussions about his budget and paying off student loans.

He is also considering moving from a shared apartment to one by himself so we discussed what he could afford based on that budget and making a list of wants, etc.

Next week, we will ride with our 24 year old to a different part of the country as he decides on which medical school to attend.

I realize many parents turn kids loose at 18, if not before, and don't look back.

But I think it's helpful to have others to bounce ideas off of and glad they trust us to be a part of their decisions.

I sought out my parents advice on financial decisions well past age 25. I still think people older than me have good advice to give.

 

[luv2cheer92]

I'm not a parent so I'm ready to be immediately thrown out of this thread or told I could not possibly have any idea what I'm talking about which is fine. But since I apparently didn't learn my lesson from the last parenting thread I will give my opinion anyway! LOL.

I was definitely doing my own taxes by 25 and by then had graduated college, done 2 years of Teach for America, and started law school. My parents definitely were not involved in what law schools I applied to nor which one I decided to attend (I was 24 when I started). So both of those examples seem overinvolved to me, but who cares what I think as long as your kids are happy and asking for your advice/help. For what it's worth, my parents weren't the type to turn kids loose at 18 so I don't mean to say that they didn't care or weren't involved in my life. We have a very good relationship and are very close, but I was way more independent than that. By contrast, my younger brother tended to let them do whatever they were willing to for him for as long as possible. He's a successful executive with a family and doing just fine so I don't think there was any harm in it.

In my personal opinion young to mid 20 year olds tend to be treated like they are still children when they are more than capable adults (barring special circumstances). But you've raised a pharmacist and a child going to med school so overall it sounds to me like you have two independent adults on your hands who just happen to really appreciate your input which is great!

Just jumping off here. I think it is perfectly normal to ask for a little help the first time you have to do taxes. Which like the OPs kid, I was also 25 the very first time I had to do taxes. Not something everybody has been doing for a few years by that age.

 

[bjscheel]

I'm a tax preparer, so...my kids might not do their own taxes for a long time and that's okay. They are 21 and 24 and pretty independent but yeah there's lots of things we can still teach them and they ask about. Being an accountant and paralegal obviously I'm the go-to for financial stuff- DD21 just got her big girl job in the fall and I reviewed the benefits options etc. DD24 doesn't get retirement at work so probably this summer she'll get her own Roth IRA and wants me at the appointment. We're taking things as they come up and they are very happy to have us advise.

DH is the handyman and car guy so a very good resource in those types of things. He'd rather they check with him first rather than overpay at a mechanic or dealership.

Likewise, if we need something that falls within the girls' line of work/expertise, we consult with them.

I will admit because I have a lot of free time I have done more online research for them than maybe I should have. Like when DD21 needed an apartment for an internship in a place where a 6 month lease was scarce, I spent a lot of time checking and rechecking sites waiting for one to show up (and then I called her and said get online and apply NOW). She was looking too but had class and work. Or when they were job hunting I would browse around for openings and send them links.

 

[tzolkin]

I did my taxes with a pencil and the little book at age 17 and never had help.

Dh and I were married at 21 and bought our first home at 23. And never looked back. Occasionally, we had advice from parents, but we also had each other to bounce thoughts off of.

Yes, I not only did my own taxes on paper at 17; I also did my parents taxes and continued to do them throughout the time I was in college so I could ensure that I had everything I needed for FAFSA. My husband and I bought our first house when we were seniors in college (before we even got married). We figured out jobs, loans, home renovations, etc without really any input from our parents.

Our oldest two are 24 and 19. Both are very independent and handle their own finances, but will ask us questions and seek advice (on finances but also just general life skills like cooking, job interviews, etiquette, etc.) Personally, I think it's a better balance. We had sole responsibility and all the stress that came with researching and making decisions on our own because we had to. Our kids do it because they want to (and they have the reassurance that we can help if needed).

Latest one- that if your brown sugar gets hard you don’t need to buy some more. Just place it in the microwave next to a cup of water and cook on high for two minutes. The steam loosens it back up… saved her a trip to the store but was surprised she made it to 21 without me showing her that.

You can also just toss a marshmallow in the container with it and it won't get hard. And now I'll have to make sure my kids know that too. I'm sure they saw a marshmallow in our brown sugar canister growing up, but I don't know if they ever asked why.

 

[mjkacmom]

That's the sort of thing I don't get not being told about. Like I paid for my own car insurance when I got my car when I was a senior in high school and I paid for the property tax/tags on it too. At the time those were in my mom's name (insurance and tags) but it's not like this wasn't my responsibility though and I knew when I needed to pay them (each month for the car insurance and each April for the car tags). If a parent wants to front the costs it's whatev but it's that lack of understanding of what's actually going on that usually gets people going, such as why people are talking about taxes, and why people lament the Millennial (and now Gen Z) generation get out years later into the world with large gaps of knowledge.

The medical thing that gets everyone and is why we now have protection laws with respects to surprise medical expenses because in-network/out-of-network is very tricky at times.

We didn’t buy cars for any of our kids, and the plan was we’d pay their insurance while they were in college since we only paid for one year, therefore they were very poor college students working multiple jobs. My daughter took a gap year after getting her masters to study full time for her cpa exams (the company that hired her thought it would be a good idea). And then Covid hit and NJ dmv’s pretty much shut down, and since her car was in DH’s name they had to transfer the title to get insurance and registration in her name. Ds24 and dd26 pretty much switched over around the same time after we could get to dmv.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

We didn’t buy cars for any of our kids, and the plan was we’d pay their insurance while they were in college since we only paid for one year, therefore they were very poor college students working multiple jobs. My daughter took a gap year after getting her masters to study full time for her cpa exams (the company that hired her thought it would be a good idea). And then Covid hit and NJ dmv’s pretty much shut down, and since her car was in DH’s name they had to transfer the title to get insurance and registration in her name. Ds24 and dd26 pretty much switched over around the same time after we could get to dmv.

I totally get all that. Everyone has circumstances that lead them to this decision or that decision but I was more trying to circle back to my first comment about life skills and if someone wrote a book.

Too many people complain the youth of today lack knowledge and sometimes that does come down to motivation to learn but other times it's having spent too much time in the dark and that can come just down to parents doing things in the background, sometimes it's from not knowing themselves really how to do it (which was some of what I spoke to in my first comment).

All of your stuff you spoke about didn't prevent her from knowing how it works and then doing it herself once the title was switched over is more or less what I was getting at. I'm speaking from experience here too having had the title in my mom's name and yet fully knowing what to do and I was the one to put the sticker on my car once the tags came in, etc.

My mom over the years would casually ask me "did you pay your tags yet, I did mine the other day" because in our state it goes by the first letter of your last name for the month your tags are up and when I got married with my hyphenated name this didn't change the month they were due but it's more of a conversational thing and most of the time I had filed it long before she had lol. Even still there were things both my husband and I wished our parents had imparted on us, similar to tzolkin's comment we had knowledge because we had to, things like FAFSA, taxes, etc even though other things like car tags, enrolling in health insurance, etc were information passed down to us.

 

[mjkacmom]

I totally get all that. Everyone has circumstances that lead them to this decision or that decision but I was more trying to circle back to my first comment about life skills and if someone wrote a book.

Too many people complain the youth of today lack knowledge and sometimes that does come down to motivation to learn but other times it's having spent too much time in the dark and that can come just down to parents doing things in the background, sometimes it's from not knowing themselves really how to do it (which was some of what I spoke to in my first comment).

All of your stuff you spoke about didn't prevent her from knowing how it works and then doing it herself once the title was switched over is more or less what I was getting at. I'm speaking from experience here too having had the title in my mom's name and yet fully knowing what to do and I was the one to put the sticker on my car once the tags came in, etc.

My mom over the years would casually ask me "did you pay your tags yet, I did mine the other day" because in our state it goes by the first letter of your last name for the month your tags are up and when I got married with my hyphenated name this didn't change the month they were due but it's more of a conversational thing and most of the time I had filed it long before she had lol. Even still there were things both my husband and I wished our parents had imparted on us, similar to tzolkin's comment we had knowledge because we had to, things like FAFSA, taxes, etc even though other things like car tags, enrolling in health insurance, etc were information passed down to us.

Parenting young adults reminds me of our can opener incident. My daughter’s 17 year old boyfriend was over one day and they were cooking, turns out he had never used a can opener. I thought it was amusing, until my 14 year old son told me later that he too didn’t know how to use one. I had no idea, because usually you can see first hand what your kids know and don’t know hen you are with them every day. You try to make sure they learn what they need to learn, but sometimes it doesn’t come up until they‘re adults, even if just away at college. I feel like I’m fielding more questions than ever,

 

[slo]

I know another parenting thread. What could go wrong?

Just thinking how there are tons of books on raising babies and toddlers, but not much after that.

And many of us wish they had books as the years and situations get tougher.

What would you want included in a book for parents of older kids, teens, young adults?

I would want a chapter dedicated to how it's ok for parents to allow their adult children, 18 years and older, to make their own doctors appointment, answer doctors questions, and have their own insurance card.

I manage a doctor's office and it drives me crazy when parents are making appointments for their adult children. When they call I ask how old is the child, because I need to know if they need to sign a parental consent, and when they tell me their kid is 25 or whatever, it drives me crazy. Sometimes, their kid is standing right next to them and they have to ask them when they can come in, what their phone number is or other questions. Sometimes I just ask them if I can talk to them myself. Drives me crazy!!!

People.....you aren't a bad parent for allowing your adult child to handle this on their own - I promise you....it's ok.
When my girls turned 18 they made their own appointments, carried their own insurance card and went to appointments on their own (for basic things - serious topics like needing surgery, I went with too).

We all want to take care of our babies forever, I get that, my girls are 24 & 19, but sometimes, you just gotta let them handle things on their own.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

usually you can see first hand what your kids know and don’t know hen you are with them every day. You try to make sure they learn what they need to learn, but sometimes it doesn’t come up until they‘re adults

IDK that's kinda the problem I'm getting at. Why would some of these things not come up until they are in their mid-20s? These things I'm talking about aren't stuff you figure out what they know or don't know..precisely that's the point..if parents don't pass on this knowledge you're going to be find mid-20s and 30s who lack basic information. Like why assume your kid knows about taxes? Why assume your kid knows about car tags when you've never exposed them to that? You're the one who said "um, because I filled it out and paid it when you were on our insurance" you know you didn't do the paperwork with them over the years, you just did it and sent it in.

To me you're showing me exactly why I would have a book about stage appropriate knowledge for a parent to have when interacting with their teens and adult children. Imparting that cool whip is frozen is a lot different than not knowing how to structure your w-4 for example.

Most of the time lack of knowledge about a can opener is usually poverty (i.e. lack of food) or unwillingness to have the kid do these tasks over time. Sure there are various types of openers so very basic may not be common these days in comparison to more fancy electric ones which basically would come down to evolution of tools (similar to how rotary phones would look foreign to kids of today).

 

[mjkacmom]

IDK that's kinda the problem I'm getting at. Why would some of these things not come up until they are in their mid-20s? These things I'm talking about aren't stuff you figure out what they know or don't know..precisely that's the point..if parents don't pass on this knowledge you're going to be find mid-20s and 30s who lack basic information. Like why assume your kid knows about taxes? Why assume your kid knows about car tags when you've never exposed them to that? You're the one who said "um, because I filled it out and paid it when you were on our insurance" you know you didn't do the paperwork with them over the years, you just did it and sent it in.

To me you're showing me exactly why I would have a book about stage appropriate knowledge for a parent to have when interacting with their teens and adult children. Imparting that cool whip is frozen is a lot different than not knowing how to structure your w-4 for example.

Most of the time lack of knowledge about a can opener is usually poverty (i.e. lack of food) or unwillingness to have the kid do these tasks over time. Sure there are various types of openers so very basic may not be common these days in comparison to more fancy electric ones which basically would come down to evolution of tools (similar to how rotary phones would look foreign to kids of today).

New things come up, what to do if you get a speeding ticket, how to reschedule jury duty, how to find a real estate broker, cooking questions, I was in my 40’s when my mom passed and I was so sad not to have her wisdom anymore.

 

[mjkacmom]

I would want a chapter dedicated to how it's ok for parents to allow their adult children, 18 years and older, to make their own doctors appointment, answer doctors questions, and have their own insurance card.

I manage a doctor's office and it drives me crazy when parents are making appointments for their adult children. When they call I ask how old is the child, because I need to know if they need to sign a parental consent, and when they tell me their kid is 25 or whatever, it drives me crazy. Sometimes, their kid is standing right next to them and they have to ask them when they can come in, what their phone number is or other questions. Sometimes I just ask them if I can talk to them myself. Drives me crazy!!!

People.....you aren't a bad parent for allowing your adult child to handle this on their own - I promise you....it's ok.
When my girls turned 18 they made their own appointments, carried their own insurance card and went to appointments on their own (for basic things - serious topics like needing surgery, I went with too).

We all want to take care of our babies forever, I get that, my girls are 24 & 19, but sometimes, you just gotta let them handle things on their own.

I hate going to the doctor, my daughter have been going to the gyno alone since 16, I wasn’t there for a couple of biopsies, birth control method installations (Covid played a factor in some), the only time I had to involve myself in an adult child’s healthcare was dealing with mental health issues and my on signed off so they could talk to me too (which was 100% necessary at the time, now he’s on his own).

 

[PollyannaMom]

Parenting young adults reminds me of our can opener incident. My daughter’s 17 year old boyfriend was over one day and they were cooking, turns out he had never used a can opener. I thought it was amusing, until my 14 year old son told me later that he too didn’t know how to use one. I had no idea, because usually you can see first hand what your kids know and don’t know when you are with them every day. You try to make sure they learn what they need to learn, but sometimes it doesn’t come up until they‘re adults, even if just away at college. I feel like I’m fielding more questions than ever,

DS asked me a similar cooking-related question yesterday. I didn't remember ever telling him how to do that particular task before, and happily answered. But it occurred to me afterward that I was never specifically taught it either - I think we just watched our parents more "back in the day". Before tech, if we were in the kitchen when they were cooking, we were unconsciously absorbing skills - or even jumping in to help because we were kind of bored just watching. Now they're on their phones or whatever, and those details get missed.

 

[DisneyHardin]

I'm 44 and I still rely on my parents sometimes for help with things. Until recently, my Dad did all the small household repairs for me. Due to several knee/hip surgeries, his days of that sort of thing are over and I've actually had to hire plumbers/electricians/handymen for the first time in my life. We recently had to have our garage floor jackhammered out and repoured for $10,000 - we didn't have that kind of cash in liquid money and I really didn't want to pull it out of any retirement type accounts, so I asked my Mom for it. She gladly paid the bill and we are paying her back.

There is no prize for not needing help from people in life.

 

[persnickity]

I would want a chapter dedicated to how it's ok for parents to allow their adult children, 18 years and older, to make their own doctors appointment, answer doctors questions, and have their own insurance card.

I manage a doctor's office and it drives me crazy when parents are making appointments for their adult children. When they call I ask how old is the child, because I need to know if they need to sign a parental consent, and when they tell me their kid is 25 or whatever, it drives me crazy. Sometimes, their kid is standing right next to them and they have to ask them when they can come in, what their phone number is or other questions. Sometimes I just ask them if I can talk to them myself. Drives me crazy!!!

People.....you aren't a bad parent for allowing your adult child to handle this on their own - I promise you....it's ok.
When my girls turned 18 they made their own appointments, carried their own insurance card and went to appointments on their own (for basic things - serious topics like needing surgery, I went with too).

We all want to take care of our babies forever, I get that, my girls are 24 & 19, but sometimes, you just gotta let them handle things on their own.

It's possible, though, that their adult kids could be neurodivergent and struggle with executive dysfunction/really avoid talking on the phone. I don't know if my autistic teen has ever willingly made a phone call, but so far she hasn't really needed to. If, in the future, calling myself is what it took to get her to the doctor, then I'd do so. I always wonder why more doctors offices haven't adopted online scheduling.

 

[Colleen27]

I would want a chapter dedicated to how it's ok for parents to allow their adult children, 18 years and older, to make their own doctors appointment, answer doctors questions, and have their own insurance card.

I manage a doctor's office and it drives me crazy when parents are making appointments for their adult children. When they call I ask how old is the child, because I need to know if they need to sign a parental consent, and when they tell me their kid is 25 or whatever, it drives me crazy. Sometimes, their kid is standing right next to them and they have to ask them when they can come in, what their phone number is or other questions. Sometimes I just ask them if I can talk to them myself. Drives me crazy!!!

Sometimes I think those kinds of things just come down to who has time. My son is 25. I know he can make his own doctors appointments and he's carried his own insurance card since he was a teen. But there are times I still do it for him because he works every hour the doctor's office is open and then some, and doesn't always get his scheduled breaks/lunch. Even if he does, he's got 30 minutes to wolf down a meal, try to rehydrate (because his shop is always hot), use the bathroom, etc. It is just easier for me to call, make the appointment, and text him the time/date. He loves that his dentist has an online scheduling system now so he can handle that after work, but his primary is still old-school so it isn't unusual for me to get a text asking if I can make him an appointment when he needs to see him.

 

[QueenIsabella]

It's possible, though, that their adult kids could be neurodivergent and struggle with executive dysfunction/really avoid talking on the phone. I don't know if my autistic teen has ever willingly made a phone call, but so far she hasn't really needed to. If, in the future, calling myself is what it took to get her to the doctor, then I'd do so. I always wonder why more doctors offices haven't adopted online scheduling.

This. My DS25 is okay with handling his regular doctor appointments, because he's familiar with her and her office. But eye doctors or the dentist--no way. And the dentist takes his blood pressure, which is always sky-high even with me there.

He did have a recent work injury, that required him to go to a corporate medical facility several times as he healed. By the last time, he went to the appointment by himself (but needed to follow me to the office, because he wasn't sure of the exact route. Luckily, it was less than 2 miles from home).

Similarly, he's comfortable shopping at Publix after work, on Sundays (~10 am), and at Aldi's. The super Walmart terrifies him. I told him--hey, I can get overwhelmed in there, too.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

New things come up, what to do if you get a speeding ticket, how to reschedule jury duty, how to find a real estate broker, cooking questions, I was in my 40’s when my mom passed and I was so sad not to have her wisdom anymore.

I think you're missing my point and sorta dodging what I was saying. My mom hasn't ever had jury duty so it wouldn't be realistic anyhow for her to tell me how to reschedule jury duty especially as I shouldn't be going to her for that information, the paperwork you're sent and the county will advise you of this information (things change over time). Never trust a 3rd party with respects to jury duty it won't be a valid reason if penalties incur anyhow.

Did I say that things don't come up? No

Did I say you never ever ever get to get information from your parents once you reach a magical age? No and that would be ridiculous to say. Besides information is not one-sided between parent and child. Couldn't tell you how many times our parents ask us questions about things.

I was talking about basic things. By your own comments you did the car tag paperwork for your kid reminding them to do it but saying the reason it was sent year after year is because you filled out the paperwork and that's what I'm talking about. Giving me an example about a can opener with a 17 year old and I'm going to say that's what I'm talking about.

This isn't an either/or situation, there are a billion things (and not really exaggerating) that we encounter throughout our lives but with the OP's question about what would you include in a book it would be "hey parents this is the sort of information you should be passing down, discussing, showing, etc at this stage, etc" So in that vein I would say reaching the age of 26 but not knowing the process for car tags on a vehicle someone has been driving falls under that category regardless of the workload, gap year, whatever. Your example just fell into what I was thinking about is all.