Parenting and adult kids

[kymom99]

Wow, how long ago was that? $250 is a bargain for a CPA to do taxes.

The lady who does my taxes charges $130. They have been in business for over 60 years. Depends on where you live. My friend worked a few years at H and R block preparing taxes. She said my taxes would cost $500 for them to do at her office.

 

[DisneyHardin]

The lady who does my taxes charges $130. They have been in business for over 60 years. Depends on where you live. My friend worked a few years at H and R block preparing taxes. She said my taxes would cost $500 for them to do at her office.

Definitely. The lady I go to charges $150 and ours are pretty complicated with DH and I both having part time jobs that give 1099s.

 

[starry_solo]

When I became an adult, my dad would work with me on my taxes. We would get the paper forms from the post office (back when they had them) and the library (again, back when they had them). I would make copies of the tax forms to use in case I made a mistake and when they were correct, I would use a pen and handwrite it before mailing it out.

About 15 years or so ago, when the paper booklets stopped being so readily available at the post office or library, I would print out one set but I also started using tax software.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

I would want a chapter dedicated to how it's ok for parents to allow their adult children, 18 years and older, to make their own doctors appointment, answer doctors questions, and have their own insurance card.

I manage a doctor's office and it drives me crazy when parents are making appointments for their adult children. When they call I ask how old is the child, because I need to know if they need to sign a parental consent, and when they tell me their kid is 25 or whatever, it drives me crazy. Sometimes, their kid is standing right next to them and they have to ask them when they can come in, what their phone number is or other questions. Sometimes I just ask them if I can talk to them myself. Drives me crazy!!!

People.....you aren't a bad parent for allowing your adult child to handle this on their own - I promise you....it's ok.
When my girls turned 18 they made their own appointments, carried their own insurance card and went to appointments on their own (for basic things - serious topics like needing surgery, I went with too).

We all want to take care of our babies forever, I get that, my girls are 24 & 19, but sometimes, you just gotta let them handle things on their own.

I hear you, but sometimes someone needs some assistance, kids and adults alike, and that should be okay.

Almost 10 years ago, I encounted an office manager that could have been you, by the way you have described yourself.
My son headed off to his freshman year of college needing PT after a traumatic knee injury that Spring. (Its been almost 10 years and he's gone on to have 3 additional knee surgeries, countless hours of PT and is permanently disabled, but mobile.)

I drove to his small, remote college town in NH to bring him to his first appt. I arrived and he was in the throes of a severe migraine headache. He wanted to cancel. I urged him to try and go, as the first appt. is mostly paperwork, meeting the PT, going over the plan etc. and not too much actual PT. We arrived at the PT office and by then he was feeling nauseous from the migraine.

He sat down and I went up to the window to check him in, and pick up the stack of required paperwork for first time patients. Immediately, I was greeted with apparent anger from the worker on why my son wasnt checking himself in. I explained he was sitting down and wasnt feeling his best. She barked at me that he needed to come to the window and she wasnt talking to me.

Needless to say, I was totally turned off from the place and had their been other options in the area, we would have just left.

I only share this to say that you don't really know why a parent, adult or friend is assisting in making appts. helping with the required paperwork, or checking an 18 year old in at the window.

Obviously, there are, I am sure, parents out there that baby their adult children when it comes to medical appts. But, there could be legitimate reasons why the parent may be assisting their very independent child.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I hear you, but sometimes someone needs some assistance, kids and adults alike, and that should be okay.

Almost 10 years ago, I encounted an office manager that could have been you, by the way you have described yourself.
My son headed off to his freshman year of college needing PT after a traumatic knee injury that Spring. (Its been almost 10 years and he's gone on to have 3 additional knee surgeries, countless hours of PT and is permanently disabled, but mobile.)

I drove to his small, remote college town in NH to bring him to his first appt. I arrived and he was in the throes of a severe migraine headache. He wanted to cancel. I urged him to try and go, as the first appt. is mostly paperwork, meeting the PT, going over the plan etc. and not too much actual PT. We arrived at the PT office and by then he was feeling nauseous from the migraine.

He sat down and I went up to the window to check him in, and pick up the stack of required paperwork for first time patients. Immediately, I was greeted with apparent anger from the worker on why my son wasnt checking himself in. I explained he was sitting down and wasnt feeling his best. She barked at me that he needed to come to the window and she wasnt talking to me.

Needless to say, I was totally turned off from the place and had their been other options in the area, we would have just left.

I only share this to say that you don't really know why a parent, adult or friend is assisting in making appts. helping with the required paperwork, or checking an 18 year old in at the window.

Obviously, there are, I am sure, parents out there that baby their adult children when it comes to medical appts. But, there could be legitimate reasons why the parent may be assisting their very independent child.

Some of that can be liability reasons. Like disclosing medical information. In college I did not give medical permission for my mom nor for grades. So had I been in your son's shoes that would have been a hard no, my mom didn't have the legal permission to gain medical information about me.

But I think the PP is more talking about parents who insist on doing all these things for their kids as in they just never had the opportunity to do them for themselves, the parents won't let them. I def. have known a parent or two who have been like that. One who stormed the college because she caught a whiff of mold in the dorm and wanted to "place the fear of god" in the school because they were going to fix that right then and there. Parents like that gotta ease up, the kid has to do some of this stuff on their own.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

We are another family that definitely knows when our kids are going out of town and they in return know if we are going out of town. We are so close its hard to imagine not knowing.
We all love to travel and visit places so whenever any of us go anyplace we send texts of photos and share points of interest to each other.
My parents always told me when they were going away, and now that it is just my Mom, she always lets me know when she is traveling.
I think doing so, is just what comes naturally with a close family.

On the other hand, my husbands siblings rarely know when we travel. We would never call and tell them. We all get along and celebrate holidays and special occasions together, but are not what I would describe as close. The only way anyone of them would know if we were traveling would be if we happened to see them shortly before leaving on vacation.

Everyone I know that is at least somewhat close to their kids/parents shares with them their upcoming travel plans.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

Some of that can be liability reasons. Like disclosing medical information. In college I did not give medical permission for my mom nor for grades. So had I been in your son's shoes that would have been a hard no, my mom didn't have the legal permission to gain medical information about me.

But I think the PP is more talking about parents who insist on doing all these things for their kids as in they just never had the opportunity to do them for themselves, the parents won't let them. I def. have known a parent or two who have been like that. One who stormed the college because she caught a whiff of mold in the dorm and wanted to "place the fear of god" in the school because they were going to fix that right then and there. Parents like that gotta ease up, the kid has to do some of this stuff on their own.

I agree about disclosing medical information. I was simply letting them know that he was there. He did go up to the window after being ordered too and the lady handed him the clipboard with all of the paperwork. That was it.

I have known overbearing parents too. However, what I am saying is this; if your job is an office manager who is representing a medical practice don't assume that every parent who steps forward is not letting their child be independent. Sometimes things may not be what they first appear.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I agree about disclosing medical information. I was simply letting them know that he was there. He did go up to the window after being ordered too and the lady handed him the clipboard with all of the paperwork. That was it.

I have known overbearing parents too. However, what I am saying is this; if your job is an office manager who is representing a medical practice don't assume that every parent who steps forward is not letting their child be independent. Sometimes things may not be what they first appear.

I agree with you there so much can really just come down to the demeanor and delivery of it. Could have easily been explained by them saying "I can't discuss things with you but if you want to hand him the clipboard and have him fill out here you go"

 

[hrhdhd]

I usually tell my parents about travel, and then they forget.

Also, a group chat / WhatsApp conversation with family members sounds like the 7th circle of hell to me.

 

[tzolkin]

We are another family that definitely knows when our kids are going out of town and they in return know if we are going out of town. We are so close its hard to imagine not knowing.
We all love to travel and visit places so whenever any of us go anyplace we send texts of photos and share points of interest to each other.

I think there's a difference between a vacation and something small like a daytrip two hours away for shopping or an attraction. The way I was reading some of the other posts was feeling the need to "check in" or let your parents know what you're doing daily. Yes, if you're close, you're going to talk about your vacations with your close family members because you're excited to share, but I don't think knowing every detail is necessary to be considered "close" with your kids.

I have a friend from high school who would call or text her mom anytime she went anywhere as an adult. I thought it was a bit odd that at 30 years old she would call or text her mom when she arrived at my house and again when she left (we lived about 2h away). But she had been doing it for years and for her it made sense. She was single, lived 1500mi away from her family, and we lived in a very snowy region. So, for her, it was a backup in case she got into an accident or if something happened that her mom would know to send someone to look for her. If I went out for a day trip or a weekend, my husband and kids would realize if I didn’t come back so it would never have entered my mind to call my mom or a friend every time I went somewhere.

My girls have driven places a few hours away many times without notifying me. They will tell me about what they did in casual conversation, but they don’t specifically let me know that they are leaving or call to let me know that they got home safely.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I wish there had been more info about how much the roles of "parent" and "child" change as kids get older. It's a relationship that has to evolve and I honestly had no clue when my kids were young that would change so much.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I think it's perfectly healthy to talk to your parents about taxes and other life decisions as an adult.

However I do see one (what I would say unhealthy) parental relationship with my friend/coworker.

Two daughters in early to mid twenties. Eldest is a single mom of a preschooler.
I can hear coworker making all sorts of calls at work on behalf of these adult children - finding them apartments, insurance, dealing with grandchild daycare issues. And answering their calls/texts - what bus should I take, my boss yelled at me, my kid is sick, etc, etc, etc.

We were out one night and friend's (who RARELY gets to go out socially) eldest daughter (who was living with her at the time) called 3 times. In one evening.

That is not healthy. That is not teaching them to be independent. I try to keep my mouth shut. She is not healthy and they need to do more for Mom and grow up.

My kid left for college and he rarely contacts us for stuff. Takes care of his own stuff and just asks questions if need to. Does not expect me to do it for him. We need to raise independent children.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I think this is another one of those things that depends on the individuals involved.

As to the medical stuff - when he was in college, I knew my son was sick but he handled his doctor’s appts himself. And each time he went, they blew him off. Virus. Virus. Virus.

Till one day he began non-stop vomiting at school. Laying on the floor of the garage just wanting to sleep. Didn’t want to call 911 so we rushed to school to take him to the ER.

Bilateral pneumonia. Rhabdomyolysis, screaming in pain. Kidney failure. Possible pulmonary embolism. Transfer to larger hospital in the city where he would be admitted to the MICU with talk of needing emergent dialysis.

My worst nightmare. Losing him wasn’t out of the realm of possibility. Certainly multiple critical medical problems.

Was mad at myself for not going to some of his earlier appts, where I could’ve likely asked the right questions or shared some concerns in a different way that might’ve prevented some of this.

As a long time nurse, I have a very good working relationship with all of my doctors, including dentists, and even veterinarians. If I don’t - and that includes their staff - then I go elsewhere. We had a pediatrician that we loved. When it came time to move up to an adult primary care, she said my kids didn’t have to for a while, and staff would treat everything the same even though they had turned 18. Well, that wasn’t actually the case. And it turned out to be part of the problem here. It caused DS to feel anxious at appointments and not want to rock the boat in any way, so whatever they said, he went along with.

Now as a provider myself, I understand that there are people and families that can be overbearing and rude and a whole host of other things. Believe me, I have dealt with that on hundreds of occasions. But not everyone is like that. And I work in a place where families are involved, period, almost no matter what the circumstances are. So it’s been hard for me to not get that same type of respect when I seek care for myself or my family.

Just giving another perspective here. @slo, you know I love you, but I’ll ask you this. God forbid, what if your college age daughter were to have a serious medical issue and you were given a hard time about being involved? I don’t think you’d like it very much.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

where I could’ve likely asked the right questions or shared some concerns in a different way that might’ve prevented some of this.

That's maybe where it comes to a natural sharing of information. You don't have to be present there to have had a voice in it. Discuss it with your son, write down some questions and have him discuss it with his doctors. I'd say your example is rather extreme in the world of medical things. We all know stories of doctors who blow off people so I don't think that's related to parent/child relationship. On the other hand feeling like only you could have handled it appropriate as the parent (and you never said that so I wouldn't think that of you) which is what some parents (usually extreme helicopter parents) can become problematic and at least my interpretation was that was more what Slo was speaking to.

When I had food poisoning in college the first person I called was my boyfriend (now husband), he was the one that left work and took me to the hospital and I never had discussed with my mom that I had already been sick for several days. My boyfriend was the one to call the nurses hotline for medical advice a day or so prior. He did call my mom (with my permission however coherent I was which was not very) and she also took off work and came to the hospital. Technically I was still on her insurance (was 21) as a full time student but at that time my advocate was my boyfriend (whom I had been seeing already for 2 years at that point) though not a legal advocate it was just a shift in who I wanted to be the person first and foremost in my medical life. It didn't mean I didn't value her thoughts but the ball was in my court what I wanted to do with my health. Had I not been in a long-term relationship I would have done these things myself to a point, once I was in the roughest of shapes I may have reached out to my mom to drive the 30miles as opposed to calling for an ambulance but my mom was close enough to do that. Many kids will have large distances such that this isn't practical.

 

[slo]

Just giving another perspective here. @slo, you know I love you, but I’ll ask you this. God forbid, what if your college age daughter were to have a serious medical issue and you were given a hard time about being involved? I don’t think you’d like it very much.

Trust me….I’m not talking about serious medical issues…..

I mentioned in my post about making appointments and going alone for easy things - like an ear infection. I mentioned how when my DD19 needed her surgeries I did go with.
Something serious is way different than an ear infection or strep throat.

I think people are reading way to much into my post. It was about making your adult child’s appointments instead of letting them do it themselves, and I’m not talking about special needs adults - obviously those people need the assistance.

 

[mjkacmom]

I think it's perfectly healthy to talk to your parents about taxes and other life decisions as an adult.

However I do see one (what I would say unhealthy) parental relationship with my friend/coworker.

Two daughters in early to mid twenties. Eldest is a single mom of a preschooler.
I can hear coworker making all sorts of calls at work on behalf of these adult children - finding them apartments, insurance, dealing with grandchild daycare issues. And answering their calls/texts - what bus should I take, my boss yelled at me, my kid is sick, etc, etc, etc.

We were out one night and friend's (who RARELY gets to go out socially) eldest daughter (who was living with her at the time) called 3 times. In one evening.

That is not healthy. That is not teaching them to be independent. I try to keep my mouth shut. She is not healthy and they need to do more for Mom and grow up.

My kid left for college and he rarely contacts us for stuff. Takes care of his own stuff and just asks questions if need to. Does not expect me to do it for him. We need to raise independent children.

I think there comes a time where the parent/child role develops into more of a friendship. Some of the conversations I have with my kids are the same I have with my friends (also have group texts). Starting in my mid 20’s, I spoke with my mom several times a day (lived a 1/2 mile apart for over 20 years). She was one of my closest friends. I speak to my college kids around once a week.

 

[slo]

I hear you, but sometimes someone needs some assistance, kids and adults alike, and that should be okay.

Almost 10 years ago, I encounted an office manager that could have been you, by the way you have described yourself.
My son headed off to his freshman year of college needing PT after a traumatic knee injury that Spring. (Its been almost 10 years and he's gone on to have 3 additional knee surgeries, countless hours of PT and is permanently disabled, but mobile.)

I drove to his small, remote college town in NH to bring him to his first appt. I arrived and he was in the throes of a severe migraine headache. He wanted to cancel. I urged him to try and go, as the first appt. is mostly paperwork, meeting the PT, going over the plan etc. and not too much actual PT. We arrived at the PT office and by then he was feeling nauseous from the migraine.

He sat down and I went up to the window to check him in, and pick up the stack of required paperwork for first time patients. Immediately, I was greeted with apparent anger from the worker on why my son wasnt checking himself in. I explained he was sitting down and wasnt feeling his best. She barked at me that he needed to come to the window and she wasnt talking to me.

Needless to say, I was totally turned off from the place and had their been other options in the area, we would have just left.

I only share this to say that you don't really know why a parent, adult or friend is assisting in making appts. helping with the required paperwork, or checking an 18 year old in at the window.

Obviously, there are, I am sure, parents out there that baby their adult children when it comes to medical appts. But, there could be legitimate reasons why the parent may be assisting their very independent child.

Never did I say I was rude. Just because something drives me crazy doesn’t mean I was rude. There are lots of things that drive me crazy and I’d be willing to bet there are lots of things that drive you crazy too.

If I’m rude for asking a parent if I can speak to their adult child that’s standing right next to them, instead of a go between conversation, then I guess I’m guilty.

 

[kymom99]

Trust me….I’m not talking about serious medical issues…..

I mentioned in my post about making appointments and going alone for easy things - like an ear infection. I mentioned how when my DD19 needed her surgeries I did go with.
Something serious is way different than an ear infection or strep throat.

I think people are reading way to much into my post. It was about making your adult child’s appointments instead of letting them do it themselves, and I’m not talking about special needs adults - obviously those people need the assistance.

I could never imagine that you would be outwardly rude.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I think there comes a time where the parent/child role develops into more of a friendship. Some of the conversations I have with my kids are the same I have with my friends (also have group texts). Starting in my mid 20’s, I spoke with my mom several times a day (lived a 1/2 mile apart for over 20 years). She was one of my closest friends. I speak to my college kids around once a week.

Yes agreed.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

That's maybe where it comes to a natural sharing of information. You don't have to be present there to have had a voice in it. Discuss it with your son, write down some questions and have him discuss it with his doctors. I'd say your example is rather extreme in the world of medical things. We all know stories of doctors who blow off people so I don't think that's related to parent/child relationship. On the other hand feeling like only you could have handled it appropriate as the parent (and you never said that so I wouldn't think that of you) which is what some parents (usually extreme helicopter parents) can become problematic and at least my interpretation was that was more what Slo was speaking to.

When I had food poisoning in college the first person I called was my boyfriend (now husband), he was the one that left work and took me to the hospital and I never had discussed with my mom that I had already been sick for several days. My boyfriend was the one to call the nurses hotline for medical advice a day or so prior. He did call my mom (with my permission however coherent I was which was not very) and she also took off work and came to the hospital. Technically I was still on her insurance (was 21) as a full time student but at that time my advocate was my boyfriend (whom I had been seeing already for 2 years at that point) though not a legal advocate it was just a shift in who I wanted to be the person first and foremost in my medical life. It didn't mean I didn't value her thoughts but the ball was in my court what I wanted to do with my health. Had I not been in a long-term relationship I would have done these things myself to a point, once I was in the roughest of shapes I may have reached out to my mom to drive the 30miles as opposed to calling for an ambulance but my mom was close enough to do that. Many kids will have large distances such that this isn't practical.

Not in my world. This is what I do for a living.