Open bar or cash only at wedding?

[luvavacation]

My daughter is getting married and we are in planning stages of the ceremony and reception. All will be held in the same location, with hopes for an outdoor ceremony amongst the gardens and indoor for reception.

On my side, I have a brother that is an ugly drunk. On the groom's side, according to the groom, there are a lot of drinkers that think the only good party is a drunken party. My daughter would like to avoid having any drunken scenes from either side. Her fiance and our family are in agreement.

My daughter would like to have no bar at all, but I thought that might be tacky, and felt that we should offer something, so perhaps an open bar during the cocktail time while the wedding party is having pictures taken and the guests mingle about, so for about an hour or two? Then just having the champagne toast at dinner and soft drinks/juice/coffee for accompaniment? My daughter and her fiance think this is fine.

The groom's mother is completely against this, and states that we should at least have a cash bar for the whole reception, as people look forward to drinking at weddings. She said that she could contribute $500 towards the whole wedding, but no more. I am not sure yet if there is a cost for a cash bar from the venue, I have a call in to them this morning.

I will state that this isn't a question of being in the poor house if we provide a bar, but more a question of the bride and groom not wishing for a repeat of family events they have witnessed from the groom's side of the family.

So what is the norm these days? If it helps by region, we are in the Midwest, the groom's family is from the Northeast, and will be traveling to this location. They have a very large family, ours is small, and their guests outnumber ours, but I am ok with that as long as it is people the groom is happy to see. Other than my brother, the bride's side doesn't really care if we have alcohol (though I do enjoy a good Mojito).

What is the norm these days? Full bar and cocktail hour open bar? Only open bar at cocktail hour? Cash bar for the whole time? Is a cash bar tacky? It's been 25 years since I married, and this is the first child amongst our group of friends to marry, so we all have no idea what is proper!

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

My daughter is getting married and we are in planning stages of the ceremony and reception. All will be held in the same location, with hopes for an outdoor ceremony amongst the gardens and indoor for reception.

On my side, I have a brother that is an ugly drunk. On the groom's side, according to the groom, there are a lot of drinkers that think the only good party is a drunken party. My daughter would like to avoid having any drunken scenes from either side. Her fiance and our family are in agreement.

My daughter would like to have no bar at all, but I thought that might be tacky, and felt that we should offer something, so perhaps an open bar during the cocktail time while the wedding party is having pictures taken and the guests mingle about, so for about an hour or two? Then just having the champagne toast at dinner and soft drinks/juice/coffee for accompaniment? My daughter and her fiance think this is fine.

The groom's mother is completely against this, and states that we should at least have a cash bar for the whole reception, as people look forward to drinking at weddings. She said that she could contribute $500 towards the whole wedding, but no more. I am not sure yet if there is a cost for a cash bar from the venue, I have a call in to them this morning.

I will state that this isn't a question of being in the poor house if we provide a bar, but more a question of the bride and groom not wishing for a repeat of family events they have witnessed from the groom's side of the family.

So what is the norm these days? If it helps by region, we are in the Midwest, the groom's family is from the Northeast, and will be traveling to this location. They have a very large family, ours is small, and their guests outnumber ours, but I am ok with that as long as it is people the groom is happy to see. Other than my brother, the bride's side doesn't really care if we have alcohol (though I do enjoy a good Mojito).

What is the norm these days? Full bar and cocktail hour open bar? Only open bar at cocktail hour? Cash bar for the whole time? Is a cash bar tacky? It's been 25 years since I married, and this is the first child amongst our group of friends to marry, so we all have no idea what is proper!

I like the cocktail hour idea best if you're not for an open bar.

I personally feel like I wouldn't make my guest pay for their drinks. If I had a bar, it would be open.

I wouldn't be upset about someone having a cash bar though.

 

[ronandannette]

My daughter is getting married and we are in planning stages of the ceremony and reception. All will be held in the same location, with hopes for an outdoor ceremony amongst the gardens and indoor for reception.

On my side, I have a brother that is an ugly drunk. On the groom's side, according to the groom, there are a lot of drinkers that think the only good party is a drunken party. My daughter would like to avoid having any drunken scenes from either side. Her fiance and our family are in agreement.

My daughter would like to have no bar at all, but I thought that might be tacky, and felt that we should offer something, so perhaps an open bar during the cocktail time while the wedding party is having pictures taken and the guests mingle about, so for about an hour or two? Then just having the champagne toast at dinner and soft drinks/juice/coffee for accompaniment? My daughter and her fiance think this is fine.

The groom's mother is completely against this, and states that we should at least have a cash bar for the whole reception, as people look forward to drinking at weddings. She said that she could contribute $500 towards the whole wedding, but no more. I am not sure yet if there is a cost for a cash bar from the venue, I have a call in to them this morning.

I will state that this isn't a question of being in the poor house if we provide a bar, but more a question of the bride and groom not wishing for a repeat of family events they have witnessed from the groom's side of the family.

So what is the norm these days? If it helps by region, we are in the Midwest, the groom's family is from the Northeast, and will be traveling to this location. They have a very large family, ours is small, and their guests outnumber ours, but I am ok with that as long as it is people the groom is happy to see. Other than my brother, the bride's side doesn't really care if we have alcohol (though I do enjoy a good Mojito).

What is the norm these days? Full bar and cocktail hour open bar? Only open bar at cocktail hour? Cash bar for the whole time? Is a cash bar tacky? It's been 25 years since I married, and this is the first child amongst our group of friends to marry, so we all have no idea what is proper!

Since finances are not the issue, offering a cash bar does nothing to address the real problem which is access to unlimited alcohol. I think the couple's plan to limit the length of service is a great one. Wine at dinner is a nice touch and if any of the guests leave early because they can't over-drink then so much the better!

 

[goofinoff]

I think in this case an open bar for cocktail hour abs then a cash bar is fine. I know, from this board, that cash bars are tacky in some part of the country but I'm fine with it. I think to have an open bar for a couple of hours and then nothing for the entire reception would be strange.

 

[bballmom56]

Groom's mother is a little demanding for only wanting to contribute $500.00.

I too like the idea of just the cocktail hour. Especially with the potential problems you may have.

 

[PinballFamily]

Congratulations to your daughter and her fiance. Your post says clearly in several places they do not wish alcohol to be served or to become a problem at their wedding. IMO, this isn't tacky in the least. And it saves a freakin' fortune!

If you and/or the MOG wish to serve alcohol, each of you might consider holding a post-reception party and do there what you wish. The bride and groom could be well away by that time... (Good luck to her on only spending $500 for this - ha!)

We had a lovely morning wedding and an elegant brunch immediately following (no huge gap for photo taking). Mimosas were the only alcoholic beverage available and everyone was quite satisfied with that and the other soda/juice/coffee/tea options. This may not be an option for you, but worked for us! Good luck - but I think you and the MOG should respect your children's wishes in this area.

 

[Art 1]

A agree with your daughter not wanting drunks but a cash bar is tacky and looks cheap.

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

Open bars are not the norm where I live (in fact, I had never even heard of an open bar at a wedding until I joined the DIS). The most I have seen is one type of wine and one type of beer being offered free of charge.

I personally think your idea is more than fair, especially since the bride and groom are both on board with it as well. I would just tell the MOG, if she wants a cash bar she needs to cover the cost of running it and any extra security that would be needed to keep their side of the family under control.

 

[mamacatnv]

I think you are going to get a myriad of responses. Some will be due to regional differences and others due to family traditions.

I've only been to 3 weddings in the past several years:

One was no alcohol at all and we all had a great time.
One was wine/beer during the cocktail hour (hosted) and champagne for the toast and again, we had a great time.
The third offered hosted cocktails during the cocktail hour and then the bar was a cash bar. Again, we had a great time.

The only thing I would say is that if you are going to have a cash bar it should be stated on the invitation so that those who do wish to drink know to bring cash.

I personally think that the wishes of the bride and groom should play into whatever decision is made, this is their day and they should have some say in the matter regardless of whether there are budgetary constraints or not.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

You could also do open bar for cocktail hour, and a bottle of white and red wine on the tables for dinner.


Totally get where y'all are coming from. Good luck to you!

 

[woodkins]

If his family is from the northeast they will most likely be expecting an open bar. Here in ny, I have never ever been to a wedding without one. I think open bar during cocktail hour only will ruin your event. The drinkers will plant themselves at the bar and pond drinks trying to load up for free. I would do open bar all night, cash bar all night, or you can do a champagne toast and wine with dinner.

I personally think if people want to drink they will, either bring it with them, or-party etc. from my background, it's open bar or nothing, but that is what I am used to.

 

[luvavacation]

Thanks for the quick replies! I will pass them on to my daughter and her fiance, and let them decide what to do. Certainly they don't want to upset his family, but they also don't want to deal with any scenes, and I can't blame them!

My daughter's one big complaint about having the open bar during the cocktail hour was that she would not have a chance to have a Mudslide because she would be off getting pictures taken! What, she thinks the wedding is all about her?

And I don't begrudge the groom's family for providing only $500, they are of a mind anyway that the bride's family pays for everything. I know she won't like when the bridal couple tell her that maybe she should keep her guest list to about 75 people, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, we deal with the bar, and then cross it off the very long list of wedding stuff!

 

[aprilgail2]

My daughter would like to have no bar at all, but I thought that might be tacky, and felt that we should offer something, so perhaps an open bar during the cocktail time while the wedding party is having pictures taken and the guests mingle about, so for about an hour or two? Then just having the champagne toast at dinner and soft drinks/juice/coffee for accompaniment? My daughter and her fiance think this is fine.


So what is the norm these days? If it helps by region, we are in the Midwest, the groom's family is from the Northeast, and will be traveling to this location. What is the norm these days? Full bar and cocktail hour open bar? Only open bar at cocktail hour? Cash bar for the whole time? Is a cash bar tacky? It's been 25 years since I married, and this is the first child amongst our group of friends to marry, so we all have no idea what is proper!

If they are from the northeast then yes, they are going to be expecting an open bar- I have been to ONE wedding that didn't have an open bar and people still refer to that wedding to this day and it was 15 years ago LOL. IF I had to choose between open bar for cocktail hour then no bar the rest of the wedding or a cash bar at any time I would take the open bar for cocktail hour- I think inviting people to your party and then having them pay for things is very tacky.
Could you do open bar for cocktail hour and maybe an hour of the reception and then cut it off there?

A agree with your daughter not wanting drunks but a cash bar is tacky and looks cheap.

it is VERY odd and considered tacky in this area to ask guest to pay for things at a party they are invited to but from what I read in other areas people think that is ok.

 

[Pamlur]

If there is ANY possibility AT ALL that a drunken scene could mar the couple's happiness, I would have only the champagne toast. They have voiced uneasiness and I would listen to them closely. Let the mother of the groom host her family's binge elsewhere.

 

[MickeySP]

Cash bars here are the norm from NE. I would still put it invite though.

I like the idea of a cocktail hour. I have been to weddings that just put a bottle or 2 on each table of a nice wine. It is usually 1 white & 1 red. They also usually have a glass of champagne at each plate for the toast.

You might not want to let the partying guys in the party know ahead that will be the case. I know some of my DS's friend brought alcohol in the limos, if they had known it would be semi dry I know there would have been coolers stashed in cars.

 

[oneprincessjo]

I got married 5 years ago. I had a luncheon, but we had a champagne toast, and a rum punch available in the appetizer area. My father in law insisted on running a bar tab (he thought it wasn't enough just to have champagne and punch). The minimum price to run a tab was $250, so if the price wasn't met he still had to pay the $250. It turned out to be way cheaper than paying for an open bar. We had a small wedding, 44 people total, about half the guests drank from the bar. The people that drank had about 2-3 drinks each, but the tab only came to the $250, so it ended up being way cheaper than if we had an open bar. The bar remained open for 2 hours I believe, the bartender did go around to the tables giving a last call when they were about 20 minutes from closing up. At that point if someone wanted a drink they had to walk out of the reception area and buy a drink themselves at the restaurant bar. I think in the end I was the only one who drank the rum punch. Haha... Oh well.

I honestly think that if you want to meet in the middle, have a champagne roast, maybe a rum punch like I did... And if anyone wants anything else they have to pay for their own drink at the bar... Or you can do what we did and have the bar open for 2 hours instead of 4.

 

[luvsJack]

It is their wedding and they should do what they feel will best give them the wonderful day they want.

If you have someone that will down drink after drink during that hour, set a limit. Your dd should not have to deal with drunks on her day.

Being that there are people on the dis from all over the world, someone will say that anything is tacky--but that doesn't mean it is in your area and it doesn't even mean its really tacky; just something they are not used to.

 

[Nancyg56]

If there is ANY possibility AT ALL that a drunken scene could mar the couple's happiness, I would have only the champagne toast. They have voiced uneasiness and I would listen to them closely. Let the mother of the groom host her family's binge elsewhere.

I agree. I have been to weddings that got out of hand due to alcohol, and I would not want that at my DD's wedding. I thin that the couple has every right to determine what is served at their reception. I would not offer a cash bar, under these circumstances The issue is not the cash, it is the access to alcohol. I would serve soft drinks, coffee and tea. Maybe wine with dinner.

One way to make up for (although I don't think no alcohol is a bad thing) the bar would be to have a nice coffee bar with specialty coffees and desserts.

You might not want to let the partying guys in the party know ahead that will be the case. I know some of my DS's friend brought alcohol in the limos, if they had known it would be semi dry I know there would have been coolers stashed in cars.

They sure will!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My daughter is getting married and we are in planning stages of the ceremony and reception. All will be held in the same location, with hopes for an outdoor ceremony amongst the gardens and indoor for reception.

On my side, I have a brother that is an ugly drunk. On the groom's side, according to the groom, there are a lot of drinkers that think the only good party is a drunken party. My daughter would like to avoid having any drunken scenes from either side. Her fiance and our family are in agreement.

My daughter would like to have no bar at all, but I thought that might be tacky, and felt that we should offer something, so perhaps an open bar during the cocktail time while the wedding party is having pictures taken and the guests mingle about, so for about an hour or two? Then just having the champagne toast at dinner and soft drinks/juice/coffee for accompaniment? My daughter and her fiance think this is fine.

The groom's mother is completely against this, and states that we should at least have a cash bar for the whole reception, as people look forward to drinking at weddings. She said that she could contribute $500 towards the whole wedding, but no more. I am not sure yet if there is a cost for a cash bar from the venue, I have a call in to them this morning

I will state that this isn't a question of being in the poor house if we provide a bar, but more a question of the bride and groom not wishing for a repeat of family events they have witnessed from the groom's side of the family.

So what is the norm these days? If it helps by region, we are in the Midwest, the groom's family is from the Northeast, and will be traveling to this location. They have a very large family, ours is small, and their guests outnumber ours, but I am ok with that as long as it is people the groom is happy to see. Other than my brother, the bride's side doesn't really care if we have alcohol (though I do enjoy a good Mojito).

What is the norm these days? Full bar and cocktail hour open bar? Only open bar at cocktail hour? Cash bar for the whole time? Is a cash bar tacky? It's been 25 years since I married, and this is the first child amongst our group of friends to marry, so we all have no idea what is proper!

"Proper" is OPEN BAR.

However you guys are veering off that path due to external circumstances so don't worry about proper. Sit down with groom/bride and come to an agreement.

For the love of all things DO NOT let the IL's contribute 500 bucks to the "bar situation" you will never hear the end of it.

Good Luck!

 

[kate_wdw]

Here’s my perspective as someone from the Northeast where open bars are the norm (at least in my circles). If I travelled to the Midwest for a wedding and there was a cash bar, I would think that was pretty inhospitable.

However, I would be fine with no or limited alcohol being served at the reception (e.g., being served during the cocktail hour only or only wine and beer with dinner).

If his mother feels that her side of the family will be disgruntled, perhaps she could host a separate event (e.g., an after party) that is more the norm for their family.