Nursing Home - When to Know "It's Time"

[MIGrandma]

When my Mom put my Dad in a nursing home we both knew it was "time" for it to happen. He had Alzheimer's and Mom took care of him for several years, but when he developed the "Sundown Syndrome" and became violent with her we knew it was "time."

This was 8 years ago. My Mom is now 77 and I'm wondering how to know when "it's time" for her to go to one. She lives alone, and was having trouble with her medications so I bought some day-of-the-week boxes and took her medications away from her and I fill the boxes and take them to her and so far that has been working well. She still occasionally forgets a pill but not like when she was responsible for them herself.

I was finally able to get Lifeline for her, which is a great relief to both of us. But, she has fallen 3 times in the past month or so. She says she does not get dizzy or lightheaded, she just is "clumsy." I worry about her falling hard enough to break a hip or something.

Today, Lifeline called us as she fell, but was okay so they were just letting us know. I called her and spoke with her and she's fine, but sore. But, she said "I think I'm ready for a nursing home."

I hate to see her completely give up her independence, and maybe just using a cane or a walker would be helpful to her, but if she's "ready" maybe it is "time" for it? I just don't know...

If you've had to make the decision to put an elderly parent into a nursing home, please tell me about your experiences. And how you knew it was "time" to make the move. Thanks.

 

[Kellykins1218]

Have you checked into assisted living instead of an actual nursing home? She'd still have her own apartment but she could have daily checks from the staff and there would be people right there if she needed help.

 

[vrajewski10513]

When you say she's living on her own do you mean in a house by herself? If you dont think its quite time for a nursing home, maybe try out senior housing with some assisted living. That way she still gets her independence, but theres still people there to help in case of emergency.

 

[ColoradoDisneyFreaks]

She's ready. You may not be, but she is. Because she's said it, I would guess that she's not confident in her ability to care for herself, and would feel more relaxed and less anxious in a place that has people to help her full time.

 

[SamRoc]

We are going through this now with my Aunt (who has no children but here nieces and nephews are her kids!) She fell before Christmas and didn't have her life alert on, it was on the table, and she laid on the floor 8 hours before the neighbor noticed she didn't pick up her mail. Thank goodness for him. She is home now after being in the hospital with broken ribs and pneumonia, but we know now its time. She has the money to stay home with a health care aid, but we, along with her doctor are telling her its time. She is 92 and just stopped driving a few months ago, very independent. Its hard to tell someone who is that independent to go into assisted living or a nursing home, but its really for her own good. If you feel that its time, bring her to her doctor and have them talk to her. Sometimes they listen to other people before their own family.

 

[gwynne]

When my Mom put my Dad in a nursing home we both knew it was "time" for it to happen. He had Alzheimer's and Mom took care of him for several years, but when he developed the "Sundown Syndrome" and became violent with her we knew it was "time."

This was 8 years ago. My Mom is now 77 and I'm wondering how to know when "it's time" for her to go to one. She lives alone, and was having trouble with her medications so I bought some day-of-the-week boxes and took her medications away from her and I fill the boxes and take them to her and so far that has been working well. She still occasionally forgets a pill but not like when she was responsible for them herself.

I was finally able to get Lifeline for her, which is a great relief to both of us. But, she has fallen 3 times in the past month or so. She says she does not get dizzy or lightheaded, she just is "clumsy." I worry about her falling hard enough to break a hip or something.

Today, Lifeline called us as she fell, but was okay so they were just letting us know. I called her and spoke with her and she's fine, but sore. But, she said "I think I'm ready for a nursing home."

I hate to see her completely give up her independence, and maybe just using a cane or a walker would be helpful to her, but if she's "ready" maybe it is "time" for it? I just don't know...

If you've had to make the decision to put an elderly parent into a nursing home, please tell me about your experiences. And how you knew it was "time" to make the move. Thanks.

I think you should honor the courage it took for her to ask for assisted living. She's had three falls in the last month? That is a very, very worrisome indicator. She will lose a lot of independence if she fractures a hip.
I don't think about these decisions as "putting someone in a nursing home". It's moving a loved one to a safer place with help available nearby. You'll still visit, be a regular part of her life, let her know that.

 

[georgina]

It is really dependent on the individual person. My mom wants to stay in her condo as long as possible, so she has gradually accepted more help. She has lifeline, gets meals on wheels, and now has someone come in 3 hours a day to help her get showered, do light housekeeping, sort her pills, etc. She does use a walker as she is afraid of falling and breaking something (she is 94). Her eyesight is failing and she has back pain, but she does have a neighbor who checks in on her frequently. Her memory is starting to get worse and I would like to see her in assisted living (also think there would be more people to socialize with) but she is very resistant. When I think of nursing homes, I think of people in bed all day, which it doesn not sound like your mom is ready for!

 

[ReneeA]

When you say she's living on her own do you mean in a house by herself? If you dont think its quite time for a nursing home, maybe try out senior housing with some assisted living. That way she still gets her independence, but theres still people there to help in case of emergency.

It definitely sounds like assisted living time. Probably not full care nursing home yet.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I agree, it doesn't sound like nursing home (skilled care) just yet, but assisted living might be a good fit.

 

[MIGrandma]

Unfortunately she doesn't have the funds for assisted living, and Medicare would not help pay for that.

Those of you who have family in their 90's who are ready to go to a nursing home, I understand that, but my Mom is 77 and I kind of feel that's a "little young" for a nursing home. I know she would enjoy the social aspects of it as nursing homes (newer ones anyway) are so much nicer than they used to be and they generally have lots of activities and she would enjoy participating in those, and having others to enjoy meals with. Currently she lives in a senior citizen duplex housing area, and walks about a block almost every weekday to the senior center for lunch and playing cards, dominoes, etc. She would no longer be able to do that if she were in a nursing home. She also enjoys going out for supper almost every night. She still drives in the town she lives in, and it's less than a mile to drive to the restaurants she goes to, and about 5 miles to the restaurant where she enjoys her Sunday lunch after church. So, as I said, I kind of hate to see her give up the last of her independence...but I just don't know.

I visit her weekly, sometimes more often, clean her apartment for her, take her shopping, pay her bills, etc. etc. But with her saying she's "ready" for a nursing home...maybe I should think about making some appointments to visit 2 or 3 and see what she thinks, and what they say about her being "ready" or not.

 

[hereyago]

OP, her safety now trumps her old normal of independance.

Neither one of my parents went into nursing homes. My mom did have to go to rehab which were low nursing homes, and they all had things to do.

They are not fall proof, but you know help is right there.

It is hard to come to terms when ourparents have to have a new normal.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Unfortunately she doesn't have the funds for assisted living, and Medicare would not help pay for that.

Those of you who have family in their 90's who are ready to go to a nursing home, I understand that, but my Mom is 77 and I kind of feel that's a "little young" for a nursing home. I know she would enjoy the social aspects of it as nursing homes (newer ones anyway) are so much nicer than they used to be and they generally have lots of activities and she would enjoy participating in those, and having others to enjoy meals with. Currently she lives in a senior citizen duplex housing area, and walks about a block almost every weekday to the senior center for lunch and playing cards, dominoes, etc. She would no longer be able to do that if she were in a nursing home. She also enjoys going out for supper almost every night. She still drives in the town she lives in, and it's less than a mile to drive to the restaurants she goes to, and about 5 miles to the restaurant where she enjoys her Sunday lunch after church. So, as I said, I kind of hate to see her give up the last of her independence...but I just don't know.

I visit her weekly, sometimes more often, clean her apartment for her, take her shopping, pay her bills, etc. etc. But with her saying she's "ready" for a nursing home...maybe I should think about making some appointments to visit 2 or 3 and see what she thinks, and what they say about her being "ready" or not.

I don't think her state will pay for a nursing home, either, unless she has a demonstrated need for skilled nursing services.

 

[marmalade]

My grandmother (85) doesn't live in assisted living, but she lives in an apartment building specifically designed for the elderly and people with disabilities. There is a employee in the building at all times in case of an emergency, but they don't have a medical staff. She has her own apartment on the 8th floor and they have a community room where they play games and what-nots.

I don't know if you have something like this where you live? This way she won't be alone, but won't be in a nursing home either. The rent is income contingent too, my grandmother pays next to nothing to live there.

 

[Sal]

I am dealing with this issue right now. My parents are both 83 and my dad also has Alzheimer's. My mother has been healthy and able to care for him until December. Now she needs help with meds, showering, dressing, etc. They had been living in Independent lining senior apartments for a year. We got them into an assisted living facility two weeks ago. I know you said that your mother does not have the finances for such care. My parents have long term care insurance (nursing home insurance). We found that it covers assisted living when it is medically needed. Is it possible that your parents have that? My dad is also a veteran and when their assets reach a certain limit, he will qualify for a veteran's pension as well. It sounds like the level of care in an assisted living facility is exactly what your mom needs. My parent's is beautiful and us kids can rest easy knowing that they are safe and very well cared for.

Best of luck to you in finding the right solution for your mom.

 

[Southernmiss]

Are there other family members who can alternate days to go see her? If not, maybe consider paying a sitter to come look in on her daily or every other day. If your mom knows when someone is coming she can ask them to help her with tasks thus limiting her chance of falling.

We did this with my 94 year-old grandmother last year until she started falling very regularly and her eyesight deteriorated. We just moved her in with my cousin who she now pays $2000 a month for round the clock assistance.

 

[Happy Snowman]

Unfortunately she doesn't have the funds for assisted living, and Medicare would not help pay for that.

Those of you who have family in their 90's who are ready to go to a nursing home, I understand that, but my Mom is 77 and I kind of feel that's a "little young" for a nursing home. I know she would enjoy the social aspects of it as nursing homes (newer ones anyway) are so much nicer than they used to be and they generally have lots of activities and she would enjoy participating in those, and having others to enjoy meals with. Currently she lives in a senior citizen duplex housing area, and walks about a block almost every weekday to the senior center for lunch and playing cards, dominoes, etc. She would no longer be able to do that if she were in a nursing home. She also enjoys going out for supper almost every night. She still drives in the town she lives in, and it's less than a mile to drive to the restaurants she goes to, and about 5 miles to the restaurant where she enjoys her Sunday lunch after church. So, as I said, I kind of hate to see her give up the last of her independence...but I just don't know.

I visit her weekly, sometimes more often, clean her apartment for her, take her shopping, pay her bills, etc. etc. But with her saying she's "ready" for a nursing home...maybe I should think about making some appointments to visit 2 or 3 and see what she thinks, and what they say about her being "ready" or not.

77 and falling and needing help isn't too young. Medcaid isn't going to pay for a nursing home unless she demonstrates need, but what about a senior living community, not assisted living, but an apartment that has some features of assisted living but is more independent. Often newer places will start with senior living, have a step-down to assisted living and then a nursing home all in one complex. Does she own her home outright now? The proceeds from that sale could pay for her apartment.

I would also check out any physical causes for the changes--falls, etc. It could be something simple as an ear infection that is causing the. In the meantime, take out any and all area rugs, etc. that are trip hazards.

Check with her doctor too-under Medicare (insurance) if she can't remember to take her meds, often they can prescribe a home health aid to come in so many times/week to monitor meds.

 

[JaneBanks]

Any way she can move in with you or another family member? That way she can be looked after but also have some freedoms.

 

[NewRVLady]

My mom was in. Nursing home for two years and there is NO WAY your Mom sounds ready for it
Every single resident was in a wheelchair and many needed help to go to bathroom or wore diapers
You REaLLY need to visit and SEE what the difference between Nursing Home and ASSISTED living IS!!!

 

[klo1335]

I hear and listen to stories like yours everyday. I work for a non-medical home care company in PA called Home Helpers. There are franchises across the county. We have clients that range from 40s-90s. Our caregivers go into the clients home to help them with things they are unable to do 100% by themselves (bathing, cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc) There are numerous different companies out there these days. I would be happy to answer any questions you might have. Just drop me a message. Lots of luck.

 

[StitchBuddy]

It sounds to me like she might need some physical therapy. My mother-in-law and my aunt both did this in their late 70's and it worked wonders. A lot of times they have just not been getting up and around enough. They tend to sit and watch tv etc.. all day. Just a thought.