Newly engaged, and advice...

[lovesmurfs]

Married over 22 years.

MOST IMPORTANT - Get on the same page financially. Chances are one is a spender and one is a saver. Decide ahead of time how you will handle finances. There are some great resources -- Crown.org and Dave Ramsey are two.

This reminds me of an NPR interview with a couple married for 60 years. They asked what the secret to a happy marriage is. The woman replied that when they first got married, she would make a list of 10 things that her husband did, no matter what, it wouldn't tick her off.

She said that the problem was she never made the list. She said that, throughout the marriage, any time her DH did something that irritated her, she'd say that it was a good thing it was on the list!

Oh, and don't floss too close to the mirror. Eww.

 

[Aisling]

A priest told me before I was married that when we say I Do, we are now responsible for helping them grow into who they are meant/want to be. Encourage them twice as much as you discourage them, and when you feel you have to discourage them, do it gently with love. In a way, you;re raising each other now, not with the authority of a parent, but with being a genuinely caring help mate to each other

The only problem I see with this is when only one of the two follows this idea, which makes it hard for the other to do his or her part in the emotional support department. This should be discussed before marriage, to see if the couple believes in this kind of marriage.

 

[Ember]

This has been a great thread to read! I have nodded in agreement to some things and thought, "Nahhh" about others. There's no right answer for a lot of stuff, and it's neat to see what works for other people.

Here's what's worked for us (5 years married, 15 years together):

The best advice I was ever give was that there should be no taboo topics. All too often there are things that you don't bring up (or don't bring up again) because of the situations and feelings associated with them. My mother told me that after a life time accumulating taboo topics you'll find there is nothing left to talk about. So everything in our relationship is open for discussion at any point.

 

[Kies99]

Married 13yrs (together for 16).

I highly recommend that you both establish small, separate checking accounts. Doesn't have to be much, but should be money that each of you can spend on whatever you want without getting approval from the other. Every pay a little should go into each account.

You still want a joint account for paying all the bills and major expenses, but it will make a world of difference if you can grab a latte, go out for drinks with friends or buy that shirt you want without having to worry about what your spouse wills say or worry about making sure it's accounted for in the finances.

Now, from a guys perspective, I went into the marriage with just one demand (okay...more of a pleading wish than a demand). That was to have just one room to myself in any house we bought. My wife agreed that as long as it had a door on it so she could close it and not look at all my junk, then she was okay with it. She does whatever she wants with the rest of the house but I have my man cave. Unfortunately I have 2 daughters that are 10 and 8 so my man cave days are numbered as it'll probably become the girls cave when they become teens.

 

[NCRedding]

Married 22 years, but am more an example of what not to do.

My advice would be to pay VERY close attention to the marital relationship of your future DH's parents. Consciously or unconsciously, your future DH will gravitate to making your relationship as much like his parents' as you will allow. It starts simply, and then grows more entrenched. If the relationship is one the works for you, great. However, if it is not, then it will be your responsibility to teach your DH that his parents' way isn't the only way.

Be prepared that the very characteristics that attract you to your future DH will be the ones you complain about the most later. I loved how DH was so decisive. Now, it annoys me that he never consults anyone before he makes a decision. I thought it was so cool how knowledgeable he was about sports. Now I question how anyone can spend 10 hours a day watching or reading about sports.

NEVER go into business together, unless you have similar work ethics.

Good luck with your preparations for marriage. You are wise to ask for advice.

 

[Wishing on a star]

My advice would be to pay VERY close attention to the marital relationship of your future DH's parents. Consciously or unconsciously, your future DH will gravitate to making your relationship as much like his parents' as you will allow. It starts simply, and then grows more entrenched. If the relationship is one the works for you, great. However, if it is not, then it will be your responsibility to teach your DH that his parents' way isn't the only way.

OMG!!!!!
I can't believe you just posted this!
In my case, this has been SO true!!!!!
I feel like I have been relegated to living the life of DH's parents.
Seriously.

OP, if your fiance is close to his parents, and you even suspect to the very slightest, that he has some deeply held values and viewpoints based on their marriage and their beliefs..... Do take a look at this. You don't want to be surprised by how effectively you can be kind of entrenched into 'becoming his ideals', simply because for him, nothing else ever seems to be any kind of an option.

 

[mamacatnv]

Married 22 years, but am more an example of what not to do.

Be prepared that the very characteristics that attract you to your future DH will be the ones you complain about the most later. I loved how DH was so decisive. Now, it annoys me that he never consults anyone before he makes a decision. I thought it was so cool how knowledgeable he was about sports. Now I question how anyone can spend 10 hours a day watching or reading about sports.

So true. All the things you find "cute" when you first marry will annoy the living heck out of you a few years down the line

 

[pigletgirl]

Wow -- this a loaded question!

I have been married for almost 8 months (4/11). Some of the biggest things I have learned are:
1. 100% committment from both sides. It isn't a 50/50 split. You will learn (or maybe have already) that your own feelings and wants come after your partner. Feel free to share them, but be willing to compramise.

2. The wedding day is YOUR DAY. Not Aunt Sue's, not granny's, not your MIL's. Make the day special for you both. My husband and I wrote our own vows. Not sure how your church does things, but it was really intimate and nice. We also wrote different vows and read them to each other on our wedding night, when it was just us, and we said things that we wanted to keep private.

3. There will be arguments. Be a mature adult and handle them as such. If you are wrong, be honest and don't blame your spouse.

4. You had mentioned pre-marital counseling. BE TOTALLY HONEST about your fears. We were counseled by an older couple and it was awesome. We felt at peace with asking them whatever came to mind.

5. CONGRATULATIONS! Enjoy this magical time together! It isn't long before real life sets in afterwards, so have fun planning your event, and preparing for the best ride ever!

P.S - Don't let the baby questions get to you. I either ignore or say, "You tell me?"

 

[A_Princess'_Daddy]

My advice would be to pay VERY close attention to the marital relationship of your future DH's parents. Consciously or unconsciously, your future DH will gravitate to making your relationship as much like his parents' as you will allow. It starts simply, and then grows more entrenched. If the relationship is one the works for you, great. However, if it is not, then it will be your responsibility to teach your DH that his parents' way isn't the only way.

I think this is very true and a great suggestion, but I also think it cuts both ways. In other words, don't try to turn your husband into your father and don't subliminally channel your mother. Remain yourselves!

I also want to add, unrelated to the above, that you need to make your own traditions. You may have aways gone to Aunt Susie's for Thanksgiving and Uncle Bob's for Easter when you were growing up, and your partner may have always done X on Y and A on B, and some of those traditions may be ones you want to keep. At the same time, you should start your own traditions as a couple. My DW's sister has forced every one of her family's traditions on her husband, and it is causing great anxiety in their marriage. Even worse, they have no traditions to call their own after six years of marriage, and that is sad, in my opinion.

 

[JaneBanks]

The first year'll be the hardest. It's the year in which you'll be learning how to operate as a married couple, who's in charge of what tasks, etc. It's also going to be one of the most exciting years in your life. No matter how prepared you think you are for marriage, your new spouse will surprise you quite a few times! Don't even consider living together first -- instead, save that excitement of sharing your home together for your first married year.

While this may work for some, from my experience, I would have to disagree.

Our 1 year anniversary was in October and our first year wasn't hard, or close to hard. It was a breeze and a great year!

The reason for this is because we had lived together for about 5 years before we were engaged. We knew how we worked with each other and knew the ins and outs of our personalities.

It did not take away any excitement of our first year as a married couple. I actually think that this has been our best year and I never would have thought that our relationship could get any better than it already was!

So, if you plan to move in together before the wedding, I would have to say, go for it! I think this is why my husband and I have such a great relationship. We knew what we were getting in to before we got married and if there would have been a major issue, we would have just broken up instead of having to go through the whole process of a divorce.

 

[DopeyDame]

Since divorce it not an option, don't even let it come up in your arguments. Never even threaten it. This should also give you security in your marriage. Knowing that he is not going to run off and leave you if you say something that he doesn't like.

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This. This was advice my parents (married for 42 years) gave me when I was getting married. Evidently, early in their marriage, my mom threatened to divorce my dad in the heat of the moment (both knew she didn't really mean it). My dad said that if she ever says that again, he'll go to the lawyer right that very second and grant her wish. That was the last time they ever discussed divorce. the point is, you're in it for life. The good, the bad, the miserable, and the thrilling. When you bring up divorce, even without meaning it, it can slowly and subtly become a viable option.

A friend of mine recently was going through a rough spot, and kept saying that she only wanted her husband to stay in the relationship because he WANTED to, not because he HAD to... I completely disagreed. It's the "HAVE TO" that keeps you together in the tough times and helps you make it through those spots and make it back to another "want to"time of happiness.

I know some people will disagree, and certainly for some people, divorce is a viable option and you should only stay in a relationship if you want to. You said that your goal is for this marriage to be for life, and if that's the case, commit right now to accepting that most of the time your marriage will be a "want to" thing, but that you will both hang on during the "have to" phase.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

For the wedding: Try to walk the thin line between "it's the most important day of your life" and "it's only one day". Pick out the 2-3 things that really matter to the two of you, and make sure those things are done exactly as you want -- and be moderate on the other things. If the dress really, really, really matters to you, get it . . . but do so with the understanding that you're going to have to skimp on the flowers to pay for the dress. Do not go into debt for your wedding; what you really NEED is a marriage license and a ring.

As a very recent bride, I don't have much advice to offer yet (although I have REALLY enjoyed reading this thread). I would like to emphasize that Mrs Pete is right on here. Pick a few things that are REALLY important to you on your wedding, and be flexible about everything else. I planned my heart out (and really enjoyed most of the planning too) and on the day of, my motto was "However it is, it is!" I was determined not to let something little or trivial that didn't go as planned ruin my day.

 

[DopeyDame]

One more thought: Read all the advice here (and what you get from your parents/friends/etc) and then live your own life and marriage!
In my first year or so, I remember thinking a lot "are we doing this right?" Are you "supposed" to have a joint checking account or separate accounts? Are you "supposed" to have a date night once a week to keep the sparks alive or can it be just once a month? How often are you "supposed" to kiss your SO? Are you "supposed" to say I love you each time you hang up the phone? Am I "supposed" to whine and moan about DH watching football all day? and on and on and on and on...

Once I finally relaxed and realized that MY marriage is just that - MINE - life got far less stressful and our marriage got happier. as long as both spouses agree and are happy, it's all good. What works for DH and me might not work for another couple. Don't put other people's expectations on yourself.

 

[lpereira]

Commit and practice the following: Love is not something you feel. It is something you do. If everyday you both get up in the morning and commit an act (or multiple acts) of love you will live your lives together.
It doesn't have to be flowers or some grand gesture. Simple things will do the trick.

 

[rndmr2]

Seeking advice from those recently or long-time married. It is REALLY important to us to stay focused on building a good marriage together, and not to get too caught up in all the wedding details. So I am trying to do that!

We are definitely doing church-based premarital counseling, as well.

Thanks!

Ehh the church based counseling doesn't hold much validity to me. I would go to a family therapist. They have better tools and they aren't one sided.

I completely disagree. OP, I believe that pre-Cana counseling is valuable since it insures that all issues are covered from children, yes or no, money issues and division of household responsibilities. The same thing can be accomplished with a secular therapist--it just depends on your frame of reference, I guess.

Good luck, OP.....I wish you much happiness.

I agree that Pre Cana is a very good thing, but DH and I did one called Engaged Encounter. It is Catholic based but I don't believe you have to be Catholic to go. It is takes the place over a weekend at a retreat center or hotel. There were many topics discussed it would start out as a group in a classroom to hear the speaker then we would separate for alone self reflection and lots of one on one talking. We felt we got a lot out of it.

 

[Mickey Fliers]

Register with practicality and parties in mind. I use my wine glasses eery weekend but if you don't drink wine then why do you need expensive ones. You can't go wrong with getting Waterford Candle Sticks and Vase! They make a plain table look AMAZING!!!

Let me get this straight. OP asks for advice on a successful marriage and you give her advice on table decor?

Helpful.


OP...love with your entire being and don't sweat the small stuff.

 

[CKBear]

Don't go outside your marriage to discuss your marriage. Unless it is a neutral party (counselor). It will only cause a divide. Don't say anything to your friends or family regarding your marriage. Make believe your husband is always in the room and if it's something you wouldn't say in front of him to other people, you shouldn't be saying it at all.

I think this is a wonderful piece of advice as well. I try very hard to not say anything negative about my DH, it doesn't bring resolution to the problem we might be having at the moment and if all friends/relatives hear is the negative they'll begin to wonder why I'm married.

 

[AmericangirlinFrance]

Marriage advice, wedding advice, registry advice... I'll take it all!

This has been great to read. Keep the advice coming!

 

[ead79]

I've been married 8 years (today is my wedding anniversary in fact), so not a long time, but we're not newlyweds either. Also, I work at a church as an assistant to the Minister to Families, so we handle the pre-marital counseling out of our office. I highly recommend pre-marital counseling, but it sounds like you're on top of that already. While nothing will divorce-proof your marriage in terms of counseling, it's really invaluable to have someone who is impartial point out potential strength and weakness areas in your relationship. This way you can be on the lookout for things that might cause potential conflict down the road.

First, understand that men and women are "wired" very differently. We just don't operate the same way. I have 2 recommendations that are VERY helpful if you're interested in any resources. First is the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. (Here's the link to it on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-...1876/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1323812451&sr=8-1 ) I honestly can't tell you how much of a positive difference this info made in my marriage. Second is the Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage material by Mark Gungor--it's got GREAT insight about how men and women think about things differently. (The video series is super funny and much more enjoyable than just reading the book if you can get a copy of it, but here's the link to the book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Laugh-Your-Wa...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323812522&sr=1-1 )

Second, I agree very much with previous posters to rid yourself of the idea that marriage is 50/50. That's just not practical. There are periods in marriage when it has to be pretty much 100/0. For instance, when my grandma died, my husband took care of everything around the house and helped me in countless ways since I was distraught. When he is slammed at work I try to help pick up some slack for him. Both people need to give 100%, not look for everything to be "even steven."

Do not mention divorce. It's just not a viable option for you, so don't bring it up in fights or if you get your feelings hurt.

Be each other's biggest supporters. You may encounter difficult folks (could be family members, friends, etc.) that don't support one of you in a particular area. It's important for your spouse to have your back. My husband's mother is a difficult lady, and it means the world to me that he steps in and stops her from being hurtful to me. Also, as a wife, it's important to me that my husband be able to tell me about his dreams and not find others more enthusiastic than I am. As cheesy as it sounds, I want my husband to find me to be his biggest fan.

When kids come along, put your marriage first. DH and I are expecting our first baby next month, and it's important to me that we keep our marriage as a central focus. Date nights are critical during the baby stage, so we're seeking to do that and focus on our marriage, not just on our children. Obviously I'm not suggesting that you ignore the kids or leave them to go out every night, but I think it's critical not to downplay your marriage in favor of never leaving the kids.

 

[Sorsha]

Well, if you're in faith-based counseling, you're probably not all that interested in the normal advice I give to newly engaged couples: Move in with each other beforehand. That aside, there are three great topics that need to be addressed and decided before marriage: kids, finances and religion. It looks like you two are the same religion, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have the same views. Figure out where your differences lie. Also, figure out how many kids you want, and when. Finally, determine who will be in charge of finances and how they will be handled. If possible, merge your finances prior to the marriage. You won't really know what your fiance's credit is like until it's your credit too.

Our 1 year anniversary was in October and our first year wasn't hard, or close to hard. It was a breeze and a great year!

The reason for this is because we had lived together for about 5 years before we were engaged. We knew how we worked with each other and knew the ins and outs of our personalities.

It did not take away any excitement of our first year as a married couple. I actually think that this has been our best year and I never would have thought that our relationship could get any better than it already was!

So, if you plan to move in together before the wedding, I would have to say, go for it! I think this is why my husband and I have such a great relationship. We knew what we were getting in to before we got married and if there would have been a major issue, we would have just broken up instead of having to go through the whole process of a divorce.

Absolutely, positively agree!! DH and I lived together for a year and a half before we got married and we have never once regretted it. It gave us a chance to really get to know one another as a "living in the same house" couple (we had been friends for almost 10 years before that, so really knew eachother already - just not intimately). It gave us a chance to learn, can I live with his snoring? Can he live with my cooking? Can we watch the same TV programs without killing eachother? Does he fart too much at the dinner table? We also got to practice making important decisions like how to spend money, how to spend holidays, how to divide up household chores, etc. If anything had gone horribly wrong, either one of us knew we could have gotten out of the relationship, probably stayed friends, and not had to deal with the ugliness of a divorce and division of shared property.

We also took time to discuss the really big things. Children? Religion? Finances? Parenting styles? Who gets to decorate the house?

Now, when I counsel people to do this, I always have to add DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN. Once you have children together, then you no longer have the freedom to sever ties and walk away, you will always be connected to eachother. So this should be a limited time process. Move in together, try it on for size, stay safe and well-protected IYKWIM, and then within a year or two make the final committment and get married.

We have been married 18 years now, he is still my best friend, he can read me like a book and I can do the same for him, we hardly ever fight, the *spark* is still there , and he can still make me laugh when no one else can. I don't know what I would do without him, even if he does fart too much.