Newly engaged, and advice...

[Grumpy's Gal]

my best advice:

always remember the TWO OF YOU are married so the TWO OF YOU need to make decisions that's best for the TWO OF YOU. Not your family, not his family making decisions on your behalf.......THE TWO OF YOU make your own decisions.

Trust me....I know it will be easy in the beginning when your MIL and FIL say "oh do this because this is the way our family does...." and once you've done it, you're sucked in for life. And I just don't mean about the holidays.

 

[piglet50]

married 34 years-99% of them happily. talk about the big things like kids, money, family involvement. your counselling will probably cover this stuff. for us it was me realizing that we didn't have to be together "just the two of us" all of the time. hopefully you will have separate interests and also things that the two of you enjoy doing together. also, realize that compromise is your friend but it must go both ways.

as for the wedding, have a good time but remember that it's only one day out of hopefully a lifetime together. if you're paying for it yourself, one day you'll probably wish you hadn't spent so much.

you wound like you're ahead of the game so far. best of luck to you as you start out on your life together.

 

[minkydog]

Seeking advice from those recently or long-time married. It is REALLY important to us to stay focused on building a good marriage together, and not to get too caught up in all the wedding details. So I am trying to do that!

What advice or tips would you give to someone (not wedding-related, but marriage-related) to a newly engaged couple? Pearls of wisdom from those married a long time? Things we should consider or discuss? Things to do or consider as newlyweds?

We are definitely doing church-based premarital counseling, as well.

**Thanks!

We just celebrated 30 years. Here's my Number 1 piece of advice: Take your marital problems up with your husband. Not your mom, not your sister, not your best girl friend. It's VERY tempting to spout off when things aren't going the way you want. Just do it with each other. Your mom, sister and BFF don't need to know all your business and if you tell them I can guarantee you will wish you hadn't.

Here's some more:
**Fight fair. No name calling. No cursing. Not ever.

**Compromise. Forgive.

**Speak up; ask for what you need. Your spouse is not a mind reader.

**If you want him to remember your birthday and anniversary, circle the date in a red marker And leave notes...

Congratulations on your marriage.

 

[Planogirl]

I haven't read the thread but I'll just say to always talk - keep those lines of communication open. Remember your sense of humor and be careful taking advice from people on message boards.

 

[Disney Doll]

It's pretty simple.
On your wedding day, when you are walking toward your soon-to-be-husband, make sure he's who you want to be with, look at and love for the rest of your life.

Laugh a lot.

He's not perfect, neither are you.

Discuss the things that are important to you now. For most people this tends to be finances, child-rearing and expectations fo the marriage (ie-fidelity, no abuse, honesty, trust).

Some days you're going to be carrying it all because he can't and some days he's going to be carrying it all because you can't.

Don't register for "everyday" dishes and good china. Register for one nice set of simple white dishes that you can dress up or down with the rest of your table setting.

Don't accumulate a lot of "stuff"....live simply.

 

[ems_mom]

You have gotten really great advice. I would add (to what a PP said) that the first year is the hardest, except if you have been living together. If you have been, you've already discovered the little things that will irritate you forever!

I will celebrate my 28th in a few months. We did not live together beforehand and I learned a lot about my spouse I didn't know.

That said, commitment to your marriage is the most important factor in having a long term marriage.

Of course, neither person should ever degrade or abuse the other, in any way. Infidelity would be very hard to recover from.

Everything else, you can make it work. Money, work, the kids; as long as you love each other and value your marriage above all, you'll be fine.

Complete commitment (blending finances, etc.); respect, even when arguing; and separate bathrooms are my keys to a successful marriage!

 

[manning]

Don't take sides in family fights and tell anyone who tries to meddle in your affairs to mind their own business.

We were told we where a perfect team and match. We each have a sore spot on our bodies....her foot and my butt.

 

[Aisling]

Don't bring your problems to your parents unless there;s some very serious stuff going on and you truly need guidance. For the day to day crap that happens in marriages, deal with it non your own as partners.

If you're with a guy or girl who clams up when you need to talk, that person may not make a suitable mate and you should think twice before saying I Do.

Also, my grandmother told me when we were shopping for my wedding gown that I will be teaching my husband how to treat me. If I allow him to yell at me, I'm teaching him it's ok to do it, and he will. Poor treatment has to be nipped in the bud so he gets the message that you won't stand to be treated with anything but fairness and respect, even when you're in disagreements.
(This can be vice versa, depending on who the dominant partner is).

 

[Lehuaann]

Been blissfully married for over 16 yrs, so hopefully I'm qualified enough to add my .02 cents.

Wedding advice - I know you didn't ask for this, but I had to add it as a BIG lesson learned for me.

Be involved in your wedding planning. Every part. And don't be afraid to speak up about what you do or don't like. It's your wedding.

Marriage advice -

Draw a circle around you and your spouse. This is now your family.
You are one flesh. What affects your spouse affects you.
Have each others back at all times.
Keep your private life private. This includes finances. Believe it or not, family members get really jealous.
Do not rehash trash from the past and throw it in each others face.
Do not allow others, including in-laws/parents, to interfere in your marriage/family. Ever. Once they know they can, it is difficult to reverse.
Do not keep secrets/info that could affect the trust between one another.
Do not allow others to ask you to keep secrets/info that could affect the trust between one another.
Keep date nights going - even after children.

... I could keep on going, but let me say this lastly.

While I believe effective communication is a great key in all areas of life (personal/professional), it's not the only key to a successful marriage. Love is an action verb, so there needs to be a combined effort of elements to make a marriage work; communication, trust, loyalty, honesty, forgiveness, respect, etc.

Whew, thankfully you didn't ask for parental advice.

 

[duffy]

29th anniversary coming up.

He is the focus of my life, and I am his. Make sure you keep each other the most important person of your lives. Not your kids, not your parents. Each other.

And be nice to each other.