For the wedding: Try to walk the thin line between "it's the most important day of your life" and "it's only one day". Pick out the 2-3 things that really matter to the two of you, and make sure those things are done exactly as you want -- and be moderate on the other things. If the dress really, really, really matters to you, get it . . . but do so with the understanding that you're going to have to skimp on the flowers to pay for the dress. Do not go into debt for your wedding; what you really NEED is a marriage license and a ring.
The first year'll be the hardest. It's the year in which you'll be learning how to operate as a married couple, who's in charge of what tasks, etc. It's also going to be one of the most exciting years in your life. No matter how prepared you think you are for marriage, your new spouse will surprise you quite a few times! Don't even consider living together first -- instead, save that excitement of sharing your home together for your first married year.
Think about the way you treat your fiance' now. You go out of your way to do nice things for him, don't you? You make his favorite meal, leave a note on his car, wear the bracelet he gave you because you know it pleases him, watch a movie that really doesn't interest you just because you want to be near him, light a candle for the dinner table, buy him a little something "just because". Too many people stop doing these things once they're married. Those people see the dating/courtship period as a time to "win over" the prospective spouse, and they figure that once they're married, the race is won. No need to continue. They become too busy with other things, and they forget to do those special things for the person they claim to love most. Make a conscious decision NOT to do that. At least every other day, make a point to do something extra-nice for your spouse. You'll see that you'll get the same in return, and that'll keep you appreciating one another.
About money: Sit down and discuss it in great detail. How much do you each earn /are you likely to earn in the future? How do you see yourself spending /saving in future years? Do you want to splurge on a great house and let retirement slide? Do you anticipate saving for your children's educations? Are you willing to one day help support your parents financially? How much will you spend on vacations in an average year? How often do you expect to eat out /get a new car /buy new clothing /spend on Christmas? You need a new sofa: Do you head to the mall and pick a cool one, or do you investigate used options and read quality reviews? How much debt are you comfortable carrying? The worst thing you can possibly do when it comes to money is to assume that your fiance shares your views. Families who are financially stable are much more likely to stay together.
About children: Again, discuss your views on when to start trying, how many you each want, how you expect to discipline, how you'd handle a child who wasn't healthy, whether you intend to use day care or have a parent stay home, etc. Of course you'll end up changing some of your ideals when reality sets in, but get an idea of your spouse's starting point.
When kids come along, keep your priorities in mind: Spouse first, kids second. Your spouse was there first. Your spouse'll still be there when the kids are grown and have moved on to create their own families. My husband and I have been married 22 years, and we have teenagers -- we're not that far from being empty nesters. We're mid-40s, and some of our friends are empty-nesters now. I see that some of them have really "lost their marriage" as they threw themselves into parenthood, and they're floundering now. A couple of them have split up, and I fear we'll see more. I'm glad to say that my husband and I aren't on that path. We went out together last Saturday night, and he commented that he likes going out with me now more than back when we were dating. It led to a discussion of what we expect our lives to be like in a few years when it's just the two of us again, and it sounds pretty good to me. Don't get me wrong: We're both going to be devestated on the day that our youngest heads out to college, and it's only 3.5 years away . . . but we will be devestated together, not each of us separately.
Some people disagree with this, citing that kids should be the center of the family -- they're confusedly thinking that putting your spouse first means ignoring the kids. Kids have lots of needs. There's always a fire (figurative, not literal) somewhere, and you need to take care of your kids NOW. So you'll do those things -- you'll take the baby to the doctor, drive the older one to soccer, feed everyone, wash clothes . . . but at the end of the day, if you value your marriage, you'll ALSO take some time just for your spouse. Time to remind him that HE is the center of your world, and just because you spend your day putting out fires doesn't mean that you don't keep him in the center of your heart every minute of it.
A couple other people have said it, but it's good advice: Never talk badly about your husband to other people. Keep your disagreements private. On the other hand, don't hesitate to say good things about him in public: How well he handled a household repair, how he surprised you with flowers for no reason, what a great job he's doing with your son's baseball team. Praising him will only make you feel better and better about your marriage. Tearing him down -- even on the occasions that he might just deserve it -- will do just the opposite. It'll make you feel that you're justified in staying mad.
Discuss how you'll handle holidays. Will you alternate Thanksgivings between your parents' houses, but always be home on Christmas day? Will you host events? How important is it that you see your families on the holidays? Are your parents likely to invite you to take large family vacations? How do you each feel about that?
Discuss how you each prefer to handle unhappy events and disagreements. For example, my husband and I have very different styles, something that's been very apparent over the years. When something's wrong, I want to talk about it. It's how I think things through, how I figure out how I feel about things. He's learned over the years that I'm not asking him to swoop in and fix everything -- I just want him to listen. On the other hand, when he has a problem at work, he storms in angry and wants to be left alone 'til he's had time time simmer down a bit. And that makes me think that he's mad at me, so I fuss around trying to figure out what I've done. He's learned over the years that he needs to say to me, "I'm upset about something at work. It's not you. I'm not ready to talk about it." Knowing that, I can leave him alone to go piddle around in the back yard; he'll hit things and talk to himself . . . and when he's good and ready, he'll tell me what's up. I can't force it. If I hover, he will get mad at me.
Don't make any attempt to keep things "equal" between you. It'll never work. Instead, decide what works best for your family. To give some examples: My husband earns a good bit more money than I do, but my flexible schedule allows me more time to take care of the kids' needs. We're both contributing to the family, even though his financial contributions are greater. On the other hand, he's never once cleaned anything voluntarily in all our 22 years together. I figured out long ago that I can fuss and fight and make him do a portion of the housework . . . but I'll pay for it later because he'll pout about it, and we'll fight. So I do all of the housework cheerfully, and I make a conscious effort to remember that he takes care of the yard (a job I hate), he puts gas in my car, and he does quite a few other things that I could easily overlook -- if I weren't trying to find reasons to be grateful for his contributions to running the household. If you look for for inequalities, you'll find them. If you look for reasons to appreciate your spouse, you'll find them. If you talk about the bad things more often, he'll feel defeated and won't make an effort; if you talk about the positive things he does, you'll see an increase in them. What's that saying about the plant that grows is the one that gets watered?
It's true of parenting too: When the kids were young, he was the "morning parent": Because he went in to work at 9:00, he got them out of bed, fed them breakfast, dressed them, and took them to daycare. Because I'm out of work mid-afternoon, I'd pick them up and take them home. Yes, my "share" of the parenting was greater: He had the kids only about 2 hours alone, while I had them from 3:00 - bedtime, and I also had to cook dinner and do housework during the afternoon. Still, it was a fair trade to me: I hate getting up in the mornings, and being excused from all morning chores was a wonderful gift to me. The kids benefitted from having time alone with their dad too. So, work on what's efficient for your family, and don't get too caught up in whether he's doing "his share".
Celebrate one another's strengths, but forgive one another's faults. Before you become angry with him for his shortcomings, remember that you too have your bad points.
Best wishes to you and your fiance'!
