Newly engaged, and advice...

[AmericangirlinFrance]

Seeking advice from those recently or long-time married. It is REALLY important to us to stay focused on building a good marriage together, and not to get too caught up in all the wedding details. So I am trying to do that!

What advice or tips would you give to someone (not wedding-related, but marriage-related) to a newly engaged couple? Pearls of wisdom from those married a long time? Things we should consider or discuss? Things to do or consider as newlyweds?

We are definitely doing church-based premarital counseling, as well.

Thanks!

 

[chiefmickeymouse]

Seeking advice from those recently or long-time married. It is REALLY important to us to stay focused on building a good marriage together, and not to get too caught up in all the wedding details. So I am trying to do that!

What advice or tips would you give to someone (not wedding-related, but marriage-related) to a newly engaged couple? Pearls of wisdom from those married a long time? Things we should consider or discuss? Things to do or consider as newlyweds?

We are definitely doing church-based premarital counseling, as well.

Thanks!

Hmmm...that's tough one. It sounds like you are off to a good start. We both agreed when we went into the marriage that we were sticking with it no matter what. Make sure you are on the same page about money, kids, religion, etc. Accept each other as you are, don't expect to change the other person. I'm sure you've heard all of these thing. Best wishes to you!

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Ehh the church based counseling doesn't hold much validity to me. I would go to a family therapist. They have better tools and they aren't one sided.

Also there is NOTHING wrong with getting caught up in the details. This is the biggest party you will ever throw in celebration of a life long commitment. HAVE FUN WITH IT!

 

[Heidict]

Sounds like you two are off to a good start and are being realistic.

Realize that once you are married you are now a partnership. No more his and hers. No separate checking accounts or separate apartments and houses. Everything should be together. What's mine is his and vica versa.

Fight clean. No matter how perfect you are for each other, there will be disagreements, arguments, fights, what ever you want to call them. No name calling, dragging up hurtful things from the past, no yelling or throwing things.

Since divorce it not an option, don't even let it come up in your arguments. Never even threaten it. This should also give you security in your marriage. Knowing that he is not going to run off and leave you if you say something that he doesn't like.

The newlywed stage is so much fun. All the romance and togetherness. Getting to really know each other. It can also be a trying learning experience. You both come from different backgrounds and this is going to shade who you each are and what your reactions to situations are going to be. Communicate!! So very important. It's easy to misinterpret something that he is saying or doing. Don't be afraid to talk it out.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Also there is NOTHING wrong with getting caught up in the details. This is the biggest party you will ever throw in celebration of a life long commitment. HAVE FUN WITH IT!

I disagree...That is not the point of a wedding.

Is it a party and a celebration? You bet!

Is it worth getting upset over the little things that are stressing you out when you will look back the next year and laugh at them...NO.

 

[mamacatnv]

Married 24 years:
My pearls of wisdom

It is okay to go to bed angry. I have a quick temper and a quicker tongue, sometimes I need a time out to cool off.

Divorce (except in the case of abuse/infidelity) is not an option. We have never threatened it, never discussed it or ever thought about it. It's not an option for us.

We agreed early on that if we got into trouble we would seek help and over the years we have. Sometimes for us, sometimes because of other members of the family causing stress and sometimes to help our kids over some hurdle.
Counseling was an early intervention tool not a last ditch effort.

Re:
Wedding, get wrapped up, its a once in a lifetime event, do it up. Make it memorable but don't put so much importance on it that your life is over if its not perfect or what you pictured.

Congrats by the way!

 

[mamacatnv]

Sounds like you two are off to a good start and are being realistic.

Realize that once you are married you are now a partnership. No more his and hers. No separate checking accounts or separate apartments and houses. Everything should be together. What's mine is his and vica versa.

I agree with this 100%.

 

[kathie859]

Ehh the church based counseling doesn't hold much validity to me. I would go to a family therapist. They have better tools and they aren't one sided.

Also there is NOTHING wrong with getting caught up in the details. This is the biggest party you will ever throw in celebration of a life long commitment. HAVE FUN WITH IT!

I completely disagree. OP, I believe that pre-Cana counseling is valuable since it insures that all issues are covered from children, yes or no, money issues and division of household responsibilities. The same thing can be accomplished with a secular therapist--it just depends on your frame of reference, I guess.

As far as being the biggest party you'll ever throw??? Ehhh, not so important in my eyes. Just make sure the ceremony represents who you are as a couple.
When we married (43 years ago!!!!!) we opted for a small ceremony with a handful of relatives and friends. I wore a hot pink mini-dress. Mom and Dad had a reception at the house. It was perfect for us. DH is a quiet, shy man and this was about as much attention he could stand comfortably though if I had pushed it, he would have gracefully gone along with a big to do. But that wasn't really "me" either.

Good luck, OP.....I wish you much happiness.

 

[dngnb8]

Seeking advice from those recently or long-time married. It is REALLY important to us to stay focused on building a good marriage together, and not to get too caught up in all the wedding details. So I am trying to do that!

What advice or tips would you give to someone (not wedding-related, but marriage-related) to a newly engaged couple? Pearls of wisdom from those married a long time? Things we should consider or discuss? Things to do or consider as newlyweds?

We are definitely doing church-based premarital counseling, as well.

Thanks!

There are no hand books. What works for me, may not work for you.

The key to understand is Lust wears off. When it does, you better Love whom ever your with or its Divorce City.

 

[mjkacmom]

I disagree...That is not the point of a wedding.

Is it a party and a celebration? You bet!

Is it worth getting upset over the little things that are stressing you out when you will look back the next year and laugh at them...NO.

My friend told me to just enjoy the planning, it's a once in a lifetime event, and I did! No stress - knew where I wanted to have the reception (and I've been the member of the same church my entire life, same one as DH), let the bridesmaids pick out their dresses, let MIL pick out flowers (she was paying), got recommendations for a DJ and photographer.

My biggest regret was not having it videotaped, and for only taking a one week honeymoon (got pregnant soon after we got married). Oh, and take someone older with you register - someone practical! I'd trade my expensive wine glasses for some expensive kitchen knives in a heartbeat.

We did pre-cana through our church, and felt it was very helpful, even after dating for almost 6 years.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

I disagree...That is not the point of a wedding.

Is it a party and a celebration? You bet!

Is it worth getting upset over the little things that are stressing you out when you will look back the next year and laugh at them...NO.

Never said she should do that but there is no harm in planning or doing somethings a little bit extravagantly. Nor did I say it's the point of the day. I just think many people try to convince others not to have big, fun weddings just because they didn't want/have one. It's ok to want a big day and it's ok when things don't work 100%.

Pre cana does not work. Ive seen most of the couple who have gone through it divorced over the "topics discussed". One couple lasted a mere 8 months and divorced about kids.
REAL counseling will last and will be there after the marriage. Some with a degree in family therapy.

 

[KandD]

I got married very recently so I don't have years worth of wisdom however just don't let others interfere with your wedding or your marriage. Make sure that your wedding is for the both of you, not just the bride (or your mom, or his mom, or whoever feels they need to get more involved then they should!!) Also, make sure you are both clear about your expectations and your goals. Once you are married EVERYONE (and I do mean EVERYONE) will ask you when you are having a baby. In my opinion I married my husband because I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, not because I want to have a baby (not saying I don't want children-just not NOW). I mention this because it does start to mess with your head a little bit. Just remember that you and your husband will do what YOU both want when you are ready. You don't owe anyone else an explanation. And just make sure that you save time for each other. My husband and I are very busy people (who isn't) so if we literally have to "schedule" a night together then that is what we do.

Congrats and I wish you the best!

 

[CKBear]

Seeking advice from those recently or long-time married. It is REALLY important to us to stay focused on building a good marriage together, and not to get too caught up in all the wedding details. So I am trying to do that!

What advice or tips would you give to someone (not wedding-related, but marriage-related) to a newly engaged couple? Pearls of wisdom from those married a long time? Things we should consider or discuss? Things to do or consider as newlyweds?

We are definitely doing church-based premarital counseling, as well.

Thanks!

I've only been married a little over a year, so I'm certainly not an expert, but it sounds like you are off to a good start. I think the something that helped my husband and I through the first year was having patience with each other and a good sense of humor.

In regards to the wedding planning, remember your never going to make everyone happy, and try not to make wedding planning the whole focus of your life for whatever time period you plan to be engaged; go out and have a least one dinner a month where you don't bring up wedding plans at all. Also, remember that the most important part of the wedding day is saying "I Do" to the person you love and if nothing else goes right that day if you've said "I Do" in the end that's what's most important.

 

[Queen2PrincessG]

Register with practicality and parties in mind. I use my wine glasses eery weekend but if you don't drink wine then why do you need expensive ones. You can't go wrong with getting Waterford Candle Sticks and Vase! They make a plain table look AMAZING!!!

 

[katibosch]

Married for almost 7 years (not a long time, but a while I guess ):

I wish we had talked about how soon we wanted kids a lot more. I wanted to be a mom a lot sooner than DH wanted to be a dad. We wound up compromising but I don't think either of us was totally happy with the timeframe. We love our daughter dearly, but it took me a while to get over the lingering bad feelings from being forced to wait longer than I wanted to. Also discuss how many kids you think you want. If you only want one and DH wants a big family, you may have a problem on your hands.

Have some serious discussions about how finances are going to work -- who is going to do the actual work of paying the bills, doing the taxes, etc. Also who can spend what? We set a fairly small limit on how much each of us can spend at one time without consulting the other (ours is about $50.00, yours may be more or less). This doesn't include household items or necessities, obviously -- only frivolous things.

Have some discussions about housework and who's going to do what. This is day to day stuff that has the potential to become major irritation if it's not dealt with.

Be honest with each other. Don't fight dirty.

 

[AJ12345]

I have two things to add:

Take divorce off the table. it should never even be an option (abuse/infidelity excluded, like a PP poster said) If it's never an option, you have the security of knowing you'll both work through it.

and second (and very important if you ask me)
Don't go outside your marriage to discuss your marriage. Unless it is a neutral party (counselor). It will only cause a divide. Don't say anything to your friends or family regarding your marriage. Make believe your husband is always in the room and if it's something you wouldn't say in front of him to other people, you shouldn't be saying it at all.

 

[A_Princess'_Daddy]

As others have said, what works for one person may not work for another, but the best advice I ever received, passed from my grandparents (married 62 years until death) to my parents (married 36 years until my mother's death) to my beautiful wife and me is simple:

Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire.

The second piece of invaluable advice, which awkwardly enough was ALSO passed down in my family from generation to generation (and, upon hearing it, you won't be surprised to hear that I come from a VERY large family) is also simple (and fun):

Always make time to be intimate with each other (and ONLY with each other).

Life gets busy, and it becomes easy to let the rest of life get in the way, but if you always treat your partner with respect and you always make time to snuggle, the odds are pretty good, in my opinion, that you will have a successful and happy marriage.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Skip the wedding and elope.

 

[goofinoff]

We've been married for 15 1/2 years....and the only ones still married out of a core group of friends!

Go into the marriage on the same page (I think someone else mentioned this too) about kids, finances, what each others role will be in the home, etc. My husband actually thought that his breakfast would be on the table every morning when he woke up because that's what his mother did. (we didn't live together before we got married.) I nipped THAT expectation right in the bud!!

Keep your marriage to yourselves. DON'T discuss your problems with your mother or his no matter how close you are. We are fortunate that both of our parents stay out of our business. Do I discuss my frustrations with others, yes, but when we went through a rocky time I didn't blab it to all of my friends and coworkers and certainly not my mother!!

If you do have children down the road remember to make time for each other. Your husband was there before your kids and he will be there when they are grown and gone. I have heard of so many couples who have their lives completely revolve around their kids, get divorced after 20 years because they don't know each other anymore.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Congratulations!

My advice:

* Love is a verb.

* You take care of your problems (if any arise) with your family, and he with his.

* Don't sweat the small stuff.

* Through it all, stay friends. Treat each other with respect and dignity.

I hope you have many happy years together!