Nanny / Caregiver Issue

[Disneychick75]

I have not read the whole thread. My take is the sitter cannot handle the baby stroller down the steps on her own. That would be enough for me to let her go. The sitter has leg problems and that presents a bigger problem. What if her legs go out while she is holding the baby? Seems like this sitter would be more appropriate for older children. I'd also ask my husband "Which is more important, loyalty to a sitter or our baby's safety?

 

[frndshpcptn]

Maybe I am being nit picky.

I took the advice of many of you and had a direct conversation with her last night when I got home from work. I asked her if after practicing the stairs this week, did she that she could now manage them on her own?

She says yes - that it would be no problem and she could totally do it. I asked her nicely to not take the baby out yet without me or DH and that we would do the stairs together one day this coming week so I could see that she had it handled.

For those who asked - even if we stored the stroller in storage she would still need to take it up and down the stairs to get in and out of the front door of the building. There's just no other way in and out.

 

[wishesuponastar]

I agree with pp that I think your nanny would be better suited for older children. I think you should take steps now to tell her that things are not working out and give her a severance. I would be fearful that she would fall with my baby in her arms. She clearly has shown you that she has trouble getting up from the floor.

 

[Pumbaa_]

Can your nanny get down in the floor to play w the baby?

 

[Bluestars]

I would find a new nanny. I would not feel comfortable with a nanny who had mobility issues if I lived in a place with any amount of stairs. She could fall with the baby. I think you should be able to feel 100% comfortable with the person watching your child and that your child's safety should always come first.

 

[Neesy228]

I did not read the whole thread, so I apologize if I'm repeating already given advice.

I have learned over the years that a mothers instinct is something that should not be taken lightly. If you feel uncomfortable - for any reason - then you need to listen to that nagging voice and do something. This is your child and your loyalty lies with them, not with a nanny that you've known for a brief period of time.

I would just flat out tell your husband that you have concerns that won't go away and it would give you peace of mind to find a new caregiver for your child.

Good luck and I'm glad you're feeling better.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

A good point about the car seat - but this one is meant to pop out of the stroller with the baby in it and be put right into a cab (without having to take the baby out and put her on the seat or something). It's a European style that works well for NYC living.

I think if she left the stroller on my sidewalk, and brought the baby up in the car seat, it would be gone before she could get up to the apartment and then back down!

Yet this isn't seen as a problem?

I have no problem with the baby being exposed to people from a variety of backgrounds - I live in one of the most diverse places in the world for a reason. What I'm not ok with is someone telling the baby (obviously when she is much older) things that go directly against our beliefs or could hurt her feelings as she grows.

Look, whatever you decide to do with your nanny is up to you. As a parent, it's your prerogative to make these types of decisions.

But do you really think you can control your child's environment to that degree? As she gets older, she'll hear things everywhere she goes. At the playground, out on the street, at friends' houses, at school, etc. Isn't it better to just talk about it with your child? Tell her why you believe what you believe? You and your husband are the people she will lean the most from. She will absolutely love to hear what you have to say and if you make it part of your regular routine to have these types of conversations, she'll hang on your every word - at least until she's a teenager, lol. We can't insulate our children from everything. I mean, certainly go ahead and tell your child care providers you'd prefer they keep their "political views" to themselves. Whatever. It's just that, you are never going to be able to keep everything you don't agree with away from your child. And honestly, I'm not sure why you would want to. Tolerance goes both ways, doesn't it? Live and let live and all that?

Sorry if this is getting away from the gist of the thread, but it just feels like it needs to be said.

 

[wilkeliza]

Yet this isn't seen as a problem?


Look, whatever you decide to do with your nanny is up to you. As a parent, it's your prerogative to make these types of decisions.

But do you really think you can control your child's environment to that degree? As she gets older, she'll hear things everywhere she goes. At the playground, out on the street, at friends' houses, at school, etc. Isn't it better to just talk about it with your child? Tell her why you believe what you believe? You and your husband are the people she will lean the most from. She will absolutely love to hear what you have to say and if you make it part of your regular routine to have these types of conversations, she'll hang on your every word - at least until she's a teenager, lol. We can't insulate our children from everything. I mean, certainly go ahead and tell your child care providers you'd prefer they keep their "political views" to themselves. Whatever. It's just that, you are never going to be able to keep everything you don't agree with away from your child. And honestly, I'm not sure why you would want to. Tolerance goes both ways, doesn't it? Live and let live and all that?

Sorry if this is getting away from the gist of the thread, but it just feels like it needs to be said.

The first part, well the OP lives in NYC. You could live in the best neighborhood here but if you leave something unattended for 2 seconds it csn grow legs and walk off. Moving out of my schools dorm on the upper east side my friend left his stuff while he went to pull the car around. In the 5ish minutes it took all his stuff was gone.

I get the second part. It is one thing to be open to your child havin friends of different faiths and from families of different political backgrounds, but it is totally different than having your child stay with a person who is vocally different for 8-10 hours a day. It is the reason I am always so confused that my Jewish fiance went to a Catholic preschool in NYC 25ish years ago. I guess the preschool was one of the best in the city.

 

[marthachick]

Your first "loyalty" is to the safety of your child. Period.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

The first part, well the OP lives in NYC. You could live in the best neighborhood here but if you leave something unattended for 2 seconds it csn grow legs and walk off. Moving out of my schools dorm on the upper east side my friend left his stuff while he went to pull the car around. In the 5ish minutes it took all his stuff was gone.

Oh, I get it. But what type of "value" is this, really, when you think about it? That it's ok to steal, since it's a part of everyday life where you live? Again, I find it a bit ironic. I mean, I'd be curious to know what the nanny's "beliefs" are about stealing and what she'd explain to a child if she found herself in a situation where their stuff was stolen some day. "Oh well, it happens! Since someone stole yours, go take someone elses!" Or would it be, "It's wrong to steal, and no, you can't take someone else's because it doesn't belong to you"? In other words, I'd bet she has some redeeming value somewhere; that being a "bigot" isn't her sole quality. These ongoing situations and conversations are part of a child's life. I don't know that we can cherry pick the issues we want our child to be exposed to.

I get the second part. It is one thing to be open to your child havin friends of different faiths and from families of different political backgrounds, but it is totally different than having your child stay with a person who is vocally different for 8-10 hours a day. It is the reason I am always so confused that my Jewish fiance went to a Catholic preschool in NYC 25ish years ago. I guess the preschool was one of the best in the city.

That is very interesting to hear. His parents must have weighed the pros and cons, yet still chose to send him there, where he was immersed daily in things that no doubt went directly against his famiy's beliefs. And how did he turn out? Pretty good, I assume, since you're marrying him!

 

[gwynne]

I get the second part. It is one thing to be open to your child havin friends of different faiths and from families of different political backgrounds, but it is totally different than having your child stay with a person who is vocally different for 8-10 hours a day. It is the reason I am always so confused that my Jewish fiance went to a Catholic preschool in NYC 25ish years ago. I guess the preschool was one of the best in the city.

Sometimes what you'll select for a 3 or 4 year old will be fine, but it might not be a good choice for an 11 or 12 year old.

It's quite possible there are more options now than there were 25 years ago. That's wonderful, if that's the case. When you have fewer options (as we did) you make the best decision you can at the time.

 

[sarah4770]

I think I would be concerned about whether the nanny will be able to keep up when your baby starts to crawl, walk, and get into things. Will your baby be safe with the Nanny? Then a bond has been created between the nanny and your baby and the decision becomes more difficult.
Just my 2 cents, take it or leave it, but I do not think it is necessary to take a 3 month old outside for a walk in below freezing temps. Not that its bad to go outside. Just .. is it really necessary at this time? Crack a window for fresh air for a cpl.hours a day.
I personally hate the cold and would view it a cruel and unusual punishment. . Might want to adjust your expectations there, whatever you decide.

 

[frndshpcptn]

Oh, I get it. But what type of "value" is this, really, when you think about it? That it's ok to steal, since it's a part of everyday life where you live? Again, I find it a bit ironic. I mean, I'd be curious to know what the nanny's "beliefs" are about stealing and what she'd explain to a child if she found herself in a situation where their stuff was stolen some day. "Oh well, it happens! Since someone stole yours, go take someone elses!" Or would it be, "It's wrong to steal, and no, you can't take someone else's because it doesn't belong to you"? In other words, I'd bet she has some redeeming value somewhere; that being a "bigot" isn't her sole quality. These ongoing situations and conversations are part of a child's life. I don't know that we can cherry pick the issues we want our child to be exposed to. n

It's definitely not ok to steal. Sorry if it came across that I thought that. But - it's NYC. Leaving anything unattended on the sidewalk is just asking for a problem. I don't condone it - but I need to be realistic about the daily ins and outs of life in Manhattan.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I think I would be concerned about whether the nanny will be able to keep up when your baby starts to crawl, walk, and get into things. Will your baby be safe with the Nanny? Then a bond has been created between the nanny and your baby and the decision becomes more difficult.
Just my 2 cents, take it or leave it, but I do not think it is necessary to take a 3 month old outside for a walk in below freezing temps. Might want to adjust your expectations there, whatever you decide.

We definitely don't go out when it's below freezing. 40's - high 30's : that I'm ok with when bundled up.

 

[cabanafrau]

Because her actually being a nice person who likes her job and the OP's family is out of the realm of possibility? My goodness.

The woman has bad knees and is politically conservative, she isn't an ogre.

The OP doesn't like her, for whatever reason. She had decided long before this thread to fire her and is for some reason looking for validation. Some people validated her, some didn't, either way she plans to fire her so the whole point is moot and there is no need to add fuel to the fire.

Firing her is the OP's prerogative, but the woman does deserve some professional courtesy, although she is not the OP's perfect fit she hasn't done anything wrong, and she has performed her job as asked. At least show her a little kindness and give her notice and severance. The OP's "buyer's remorse" is not the nanny's fault.

Yep, in my experience the pressure to make the hiring decision, the continuous gushing and the gifting are signs the nanny is attempting to manipulate and control OP into keeping her on. It may simply indicate a strong motivation to keep her position. If so, that begs the question, why? If good caregivers are in such short supply, why is this caregiver so intent upon remaining in this particular position? Incidentally, I cast no aspersions on the nanny in my post, yet you felt it necessary to shade your position in terms of my harsh questioning of the nanny's behavior and the fact she's not an ogre to make your point. Those perspectives in no way came from my thoughts about why the situation is problematic.

This child is growing every day. My suspicion is the nanny's mobility isn't increasing. Sooner or later the collision of larger, more active child/not very mobile nanny, one bedroom apartment are going to become an even larger issue. I'd want my child settled with a capable, caring and hopefully longterm caregiver as quickly and as longterm as possible. I'd also not want to end every workday having to repeat yet again to the nanny why she doesn't need to constantly thank me for her job, preferring instead to come home to content baby and nanny, get updates on their day, wish her a good evening and say goodnight.

 

[RainbowBrite]

It may simply indicate a strong motivation to keep her position. If so, that begs the question, why? If good caregivers are in such short supply, why is this caregiver so intent upon remaining in this particular position?

Because there are many nannies and so few jobs out there these days. This nanny obviously isn't a young, fit nanny and knows she will have a hard time finding a new job. I feel bad for her. I have years and years of experience in childcare, yet the last time I needed to find a new nanny position it took me months and even then I was only offered two positions out of the many interviews I went on. In the past I would generally be offered all the positions I interviewed for. It's getting tougher out there for a nanny.

 

[cabanafrau]

Because there are many nannies and so few jobs out there these days. This nanny obviously isn't a young, fit nanny and knows she will have a hard time finding a new job. I feel bad for her. I have years and years of experience in childcare, yet the last time I needed to find a new nanny position it took me months and even then I was only offered two positions out of the many interviews I went on. In the past I would generally be offered all the positions I interviewed for. It's getting tougher out there for a nanny.

OP indicated that nannies were in high demand in her area.

 

[Disneychick75]

Because there are many nannies and so few jobs out there these days. This nanny obviously isn't a young, fit nanny and knows she will have a hard time finding a new job. I feel bad for her. I have years and years of experience in childcare, yet the last time I needed to find a new nanny position it took me months and even then I was only offered two positions out of the many interviews I went on. In the past I would generally be offered all the positions I interviewed for. It's getting tougher out there for a nanny.

A woman who cannot manage or has great difficulty managing stairs is not a good fit for a baby or even a toddler- maybe especially a toddler. How would she chase a little one? It's hard enough keeping up with toddlers when a person is 100% able. Being a mother and now a grandmother, the safety of the children is more important than a nanny losing her job.

 

[roseaster]

Yep, in my experience the pressure to make the hiring decision, the continuous gushing and the gifting are signs the nanny is attempting to manipulate and control OP into keeping her on. It may simply indicate a strong motivation to keep her position. If so, that begs the question, why? If good caregivers are in such short supply, why is this caregiver so intent upon remaining in this particular position? Incidentally, I cast no aspersions on the nanny in my post, yet you felt it necessary to shade your position in terms of my harsh questioning of the nanny's behavior and the fact she's not an ogre to make your point. Those perspectives in no way came from my thoughts about why the situation is problematic.

This child is growing every day. My suspicion is the nanny's mobility isn't increasing. Sooner or later the collision of larger, more active child/not very mobile nanny, one bedroom apartment are going to become an even larger issue. I'd want my child settled with a capable, caring and hopefully longterm caregiver as quickly and as longterm as possible. I'd also not want to end every workday having to repeat yet again to the nanny why she doesn't need to constantly thank me for her job, preferring instead to come home to content baby and nanny, get updates on their day, wish her a good evening and say goodnight.

Maybe the woman likes the job, maybe she likes the OP, maybe it's a good commuting distance for her, maybe her rent went up and she really needs the extra money. Maybe she is just a nice person who enjoys giving gifts. Who knows, but to suggest that there is some other ulterior motive going on is ridiculous. Casting her as "manipulative" is unfair.

Many people do many things in order to keep jobs, and most people want to keep their job. They need a roof over their head, they have mouths to feed. People stay late when they really don't want to or can't. People pick up extra shifts or cover for coworkers. People are nice to bosses/coworkers they don't like.

The OP said the nanny had another job offer which was involved taking care of multiple children. Perhaps she realized that caring for 1 infant was more appropriate for her, but needed a job, so it was this one or that one and the other one needs an answer.

It is very difficult to find reliable in home, but not live in full time child care. Reliable nannies are not beating down doors looking for jobs.

The whole point is moot, though, the OP had long decided her course of action. For whatever reasons she doesn't want this nanny and that is her prerogative. She should at least treat her as a professional adult and discuss with her the issues that she has and give her appropriate notice, severance, and referrals.

Elderly grandparents care for children every day. Disabled people care for children every day. Being older or less mobile doesn't make a person an bad caregiver.

 

[Nancyg56]

Maybe the woman likes the job, maybe she likes the OP, maybe it's a good commuting distance for her, maybe her rent went up and she really needs the extra money. Maybe she is just a nice person who enjoys giving gifts. Who knows, but to suggest that there is some other ulterior motive going on is ridiculous. Casting her as "manipulative" is unfair.

Many people do many things in order to keep jobs, and most people want to keep their job. They need a roof over their head, they have mouths to feed. People stay late when they really don't want to or can't. People pick up extra shifts or cover for coworkers. People are nice to bosses/coworkers they don't like.

The OP said the nanny had another job offer which was involved taking care of multiple children. Perhaps she realized that caring for 1 infant was more appropriate for her, but needed a job, so it was this one or that one and the other one needs an answer.

It is very difficult to find reliable in home, but not live in full time child care. Reliable nannies are not beating down doors looking for jobs.

The whole point is moot, though, the OP had long decided her course of action. For whatever reasons she doesn't want this nanny and that is her prerogative. She should at least treat her as a professional adult and discuss with her the issues that she has and give her appropriate notice, severance, and referrals.

Elderly grandparents care for children every day. Disabled people care for children every day. Being older or less mobile doesn't make a person an bad caregiver.

I agee. I don't even think the OP needs a reason othe than she wants someone else. I just do not think that hunting for a multitude of reasons to validate her decision helps her cause with her DH> I also think that both parent have a say in childcare, being a mother should not trump a father.