Nanny / Caregiver Issue

[frndshpcptn]

I've just gone back to work after maternity leave and our daughter is being cared for at home by a nanny (very, very common in my area).

My DH and I are not on the same page re: the Nanny.

Backstory: I met her two weeks post-partum and the next day she texted saying she had another offer and I needed to let her know yes or now within 24 hours.

I totally understood, but was not in any shape to make this decision. She was the only person I had met, i was thoroughly exhausted, depressed, overwhelmed, etc. But she came recommended by an acquaintance and I had heard nightmare stories of nanny-hiring.

So I said yes and hired her, after point-blank asking her if she could physically handle the job (her knees are bad, she wears braces on them and has difficulty with mobility sometimes). We have 5 somewhat steep stairs going in and out of the building and I was worried about her getting the stroller up and down (which I mentioned to her). She assured me it would be no problem. I was uneasy about it - but was too exhausted and not thinking straight at this point.

She helped us while I was home and I voiced my concerns again, as I saw she has some trouble walking here and there.

Then, I fell into a deep post-partum depression. I couldn't get out of bed. My DH called and she came over to care for the baby for two days (daytime only) until my parents could come pick me up and bring me and the baby to their house to recover.

Long story short - I'm fine, back at work and she still can't maneuver the stroller up and down the stairs on her own. She needs to hold the handrail for support and have someone else there with her to hold one side of the stroller.

My DH thinks it's no big deal - the super can help her in and out of the building each day when she takes the baby out. He also feels that she helped us out when I was unable to move and that we owe her for that.

I think if she can't get the stroller up and down the stairs, we may not be the right fit for her. He accused me of having no loyalty and taking away this poor woman's livelihood.

Help - not sure how to solve this issue and have a productive conversation leading to a solution that satisfies both of us.

 

[Christine]

I guess it really depends on if you like her in every other aspect. I also am not sure how imperative it is to take the baby out in the stroller every day. And is it really a problem for the super to help? It's hard to answer without really knowing all that.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I've just gone back to work after maternity leave and our daughter is being cared for at home by a nanny (very, very common in my area).

My DH and I are not on the same page re: the Nanny.

Backstory: I met her two weeks post-partum and the next day she texted saying she had another offer and I needed to let her know yes or now within 24 hours.

I totally understood, but was not in any shape to make this decision. She was the only person I had met, i was thoroughly exhausted, depressed, overwhelmed, etc. But she came recommended by an acquaintance and I had heard nightmare stories of nanny-hiring.

So I said yes and hired her, after point-blank asking her if she could physically handle the job (her knees are bad, she wears braces on them and has difficulty with mobility sometimes). We have 5 somewhat steep stairs going in and out of the building and I was worried about her getting the stroller up and down (which I mentioned to her). She assured me it would be no problem. I was uneasy about it - but was too exhausted and not thinking straight at this point.

She helped us while I was home and I voiced my concerns again, as I saw she has some trouble walking here and there.

Then, I fell into a deep post-partum depression. I couldn't get out of bed. My DH called and she came over to care for the baby for two days (daytime only) until my parents could come pick me up and bring me and the baby to their house to recover.

Long story short - I'm fine, back at work and she still can't maneuver the stroller up and down the stairs on her own. She needs to hold the handrail for support and have someone else there with her to hold one side of the stroller.

My DH thinks it's no big deal - the super can help her in and out of the building each day when she takes the baby out. He also feels that she helped us out when I was unable to move and that we owe her for that.

I think if she can't get the stroller up and down the stairs, we may not be the right fit for her. He accused me of having no loyalty and taking away this poor woman's livelihood.

Help - not sure how to solve this issue and have a productive conversation leading to a solution that satisfies both of us.

If you absolutely adored this woman and thought she was the greatest nanny in the world would you still be concerned about her knees, or is there more to this than you're saying?

 

[wilkeliza]

I personally would find a new sitter. If part of what you are paying her to do is go outside with the baby then she needs to be able to deal with the stroller on her own. It isn't like you are asking her to go up and down subway stairs every day.

How big of a stroller do you have? Would it be possible for someone of average strength to take the stroller up and down the few steps or do you need help getting it up and down as well?

For me it wouldn't be just the stroller but more who is she asking for help if the super isn't around?

 

[usnuzuloose]

Really , I think this is an issue you and your husband need to resolve. All the answers here may not get you any where with your husband. JMHO

 

[hereyago]

The issue with the stroller, I would ask my husband to think what if the baby gets hurt because she cant handle the stroller.

Loyalty doesnt over ride the safety of a child.

 

[frndshpcptn]

We don't have a car, so the only way for the baby to get any fresh air is to leave the building. So, if not every day then at least every other day I'd like them outside. We are in a one bedroom apt and that can get "small" after a few days.

I can get the stroller up and down the stairs. So can my DH, sister, parents. The nanny is older and even DH admits she's struggling with this.

It's not like we live in a suburb with a nice backyard to play in. We are in the city and outdoor playtime requires getting out of the building and walking to a park or playground.

The woman is very, very nice. She speaks decent English and I think she's reliable in terms of showing up on time. She would never intentionally hurt the baby.

If the super is not around, there really isn't anyone to help. If g-d forbid there was an emergency, she has to take the baby down 3 flights of stairs to exit the building.

I think she is good. She's nice. She's a bit politically right of me (but hopefully she won't be discussing politics with the baby).

I just can't help feeling like we are being short changed for the baby's care somehow. I've been feeling like this for weeks now and the feeling won't go away (I'm trying to make it).

I need neutral perspectives here on how to frame this conversation and possibly see if I'm overreacting because I never had the chance to interview other people.

I do have another nanny option. I adore her, but my DH thinks she would leave us in a second if a better offer came along. Maybe's he right - I really don't know.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I agree with your husband. It sounds like she passed on another job for you. It also sounds like she was reliable when you needed her.

Edited to add

I read the update.
It sounds like she was ok until someone better came along.
My guess is you wouldn't have as many issues with her if you didn't have another option. That's probably why your husband thinks you're not being loyal.

 

[wilkeliza]

We don't have a car, so the only way for the baby to get any fresh air is to leave the building. So, if not every day then at least every other day I'd like them outside. We are in a one bedroom apt and that can get "small" after a few days.

I can get the stroller up and down the stairs. So can my DH, sister, parents. The nanny is older and even DH admits she's struggling with this.

It's not like we live in a suburb with a nice backyard to play in. We are in the city and outdoor playtime requires getting out of the building and walking to a park or playground.

The woman is very, very nice. She speaks decent English and I think she's reliable in terms of showing up on time. She would never intentionally hurt the baby.

If the super is not around, there really isn't anyone to help. If g-d forbid there was an emergency, she has to take the baby down 3 flights of stairs to exit the building.

I think she is good. She's nice. She's a bit politically right of me (but hopefully she won't be discussing politics with the baby).

I just can't help feeling like we are being short changed for the baby's care somehow. I've been feeling like this for weeks now and the feeling won't go away (I'm trying to make it).

I need neutral perspectives here on how to frame this conversation and possibly see if I'm overreacting because I never had the chance to interview other people.

I do have another nanny option. I adore her, but my DH thinks she would leave us in a second if a better offer came along. Maybe's he right - I really don't know.

Every sitter will leave in a heart beat if a better offer comes through.

OP I feel for you. Both of my future sister-in-laws are struggling to find good sitters for different reasons. I would say at this point if you are still feeling this sitter is not a good fit it is a gut instinct not just an ill placed worry. You are right, what would happen if there was a fire in the building? Your sitter would nto be able to go down the fire escape holding your baby in the condition you describe.

I would say start looking for a new sitter. I think the best way to get your DH to understand is that for your peace of mind you can not continue with this sitter and that it is ultimately about your child's safety and your mental well being.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I agree with your husband. It sounds like she passed on another job for you. It also sounds like she was reliable when you needed her.

Edited to add

I read the update.
It sounds like she was ok until someone better came along.
My guess is You wouldn't have as many issues with her if you didn't have another option. That's probably why your husband thinks you're not being loyal.

I hear what you are saying. But she wasn't really ever ok - I was just too ill to do anything about it. I've not felt right for weeks. And the other option isn't new - it's always been there, I just haven't acted on it.

And to be honest, I'm not convinced the other opportunity was real - or if she was just saying it to lock in a job.

 

[ronandannette]

Honestly, I wouldn't feel secure leaving my baby in these circumstances and at the risk of getting flamed; it also wouldn't surprise me that my DH (a Dad, not a Mom) wouldn't have the same gut feelings. Her getting the baby down the stairs sounds like an accident waiting to happen. If she's absolutely the model nanny in every other way maybe you could cope by just saying that she never takes the baby out of the house - ever. If not, I'd be looking at trying to assist her in finding a more suitable position and trying to find a more physically robust nanny for myself. None of you will have a very easy time living with the consequences if she has a mishap with your little one and at the point that it was fairly foreseeable, "accident" wouldn't exactly be accurate.

 

[frndshpcptn]

Every sitter will leave in a heart beat if a better offer comes through.

OP I feel for you. Both of my future sister-in-laws are struggling to find good sitters for different reasons. I would say at this point if you are still feeling this sitter is not a good fit it is a gut instinct not just an ill placed worry. You are right, what would happen if there was a fire in the building? Your sitter would nto be able to go down the fire escape holding your baby in the condition you describe.

I would say start looking for a new sitter. I think the best way to get your DH to understand is that for your peace of mind you can not continue with this sitter and that it is ultimately about your child's safety and your mental well being.

It's so hard to find the right fit.

I really do worry - if there was an emergency what would happen? He says she'll get the baby out, but he's more optimistic in general than i am. I'm much more cynical of a person.

he also told me I'm looking at this like a business and he's looking at it to being loyal to someone who helped us out when i was ill.

Ugh. It's a no win. I don't want to be the heartless person here, but I keep coming off that way when I make this about facts not feelings.

 

[yoopermom]

Here's one of these for you first .

I ended up starting a brand new job when DS was only 6 weeks old not by choice, but because we needed the insurance and it literally fell into my lap (my parents worked for the district and my "interview" was basically the job offer). I went through TERRIBLE postpartum for months, much of it centered around my loss of control over parenting and my baby and his caregiver. I saw a psychiatrist for months.

So my thought is that you need to think about how much this is about *you* as much as it is about *her*. What do you want for your child that will enable you to rest easy and work efficiently while you are at work? Are you taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally?

Personally, I would ideally want my child to have a nanny who was able to physically keep up w/him/her, and definitely take the child to parks, excursions, etc.

Terri

 

[wilkeliza]

It's so hard to find the right fit.

I really do worry - if there was an emergency what would happen? He says she'll get the baby out, but he's more optimistic in general than i am. I'm much more cynical of a person.

he also told me I'm looking at this like a business and he's looking at it to being loyal to someone who helped us out when i was ill.

Ugh. It's a no win. I don't want to be the heartless person here, but I keep coming off that way when I make this about facts not feelings.

How old is your baby? It sounds like maybe a few weeks and most of that you spent at your parents not around your DH and not with the nanny. If your daughter was a year old and you were feeling this way I would get the loyalty card. If she is a couple months I don't see the loyalty. Every nanny relationship has a period of trial where you see if they are comfortable with your needs as a parent and the demands of the specific family. Someone who may work for one person would not work for another.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

For starters, your baby is not getting ripped off. So please put that thought out of your head.

As long as baby is well cared for it does not matter if she is getting outside at the moment.

My concern would be the inability to get your baby out of the house safely in an emergency.

 

[sonnyjane]

It's so hard to find the right fit.

I really do worry - if there was an emergency what would happen? He says she'll get the baby out, but he's more optimistic in general than i am. I'm much more cynical of a person.

he also told me I'm looking at this like a business and he's looking at it to being loyal to someone who helped us out when i was ill.

Ugh. It's a no win. I don't want to be the heartless person here, but I keep coming off that way when I make this about facts not feelings.

Ehhhh it's not like she donated a kidney to you. Being concerned about emergencies would be the deal breaker for me. It won't be fun, but you have to find someone else a bit more physically capable just so you can work and not be worrying.

It's fine to *want* to be loyal, but if something horrible happened and she and the baby fell down the stairs resulting in injury or worse for your baby, would his reaction be "well, that's horrible, but at least we were loyal to our nanny!"

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I am a nanny and here are my two cents:

Taking the child out is obviously very important to you. If she can get the super to help everyday, great. If not, and you require her taking the baby out everyday then she might not be the best fit for your family. She should not be trying to get herself and the stroller down the stairs if it is a hazardous situation. Not only is that obviously dangerous, but you won't be comfortable. The comfort of the parents is part of the service.

I understand you feel guilty because she may have passed on another job to work for you. If you decided to let her go make sure she has plenty of notice and a small thank you gift wouldn't hurt either IMO.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

I hear what you are saying. But she wasn't really ever ok - I was just too ill to do anything about it. I've not felt right for weeks. And the other option isn't new - it's always been there, I just haven't acted on it.

And to be honest, I'm not convinced the other opportunity was real - or if she was just saying it to lock in a job.

You need to be comfortable with tour childcare provider. That should be the #1 consideration.

 

[frndshpcptn]

How old is your baby? It sounds like maybe a few weeks and most of that you spent at your parents not around your DH and not with the nanny. If your daughter was a year old and you were feeling this way I would get the loyalty card. If she is a couple months I don't see the loyalty. Every nanny relationship has a period of trial where you see if they are comfortable with your needs as a parent and the demands of the specific family. Someone who may work for one person would not work for another.

She's 3 months old. The nanny came twice a week while i was in the city (I was home usually - or would go out for an hour or two then come back). She's been helping us for two months. She still hasn't mastered the stairs in that time - even with one of us helping her each time (I don't let her do it alone).

Other things that have bothered me - we went in a cab and she couldn't figure out how to open and close the stroller to get it in the trunk. The cabbie figured it out for her. I guess to me that's just...tradecraft. She also had trouble getting the cold weather protective cover on the stroller (I had to show her how it worked). Again - tradecraft.

I may be to harsh. I know. I want someone who is competent and doesn't look to me to show her how to do basic things. I work long hours and need this person to be a dynamic caregiver - helping to babyproof when the time comes, making baby food, etc. She will do it if I ask - but I'd like her to proactively offer.

 

[frndshpcptn]

I am a nanny and here are my two cents:

Taking the child out is obviously very important to you. If she can get the super to help everyday, great. If not, and you require her taking the baby out everyday then she might not be the best fit for your family. She should not be trying to get herself and the stroller down the stairs if it is a hazardous situation. Not only is that obviously dangerous, but you won't be comfortable. The comfort of the parents is part of the service.

I understand you feel guilty because she may have passed on another job to work for you. If you decided to let her go make sure she has plenty of notice and a small thank you gift wouldn't hurt either IMO.

Thanks - I don't know why I just don't feel comfortable. I really don't....