Nanny / Caregiver Issue

[frndshpcptn]

It sounds like you feel this nanny is not a good fit for your family. That is reason enough to find someone else. You don't really owe her anything but a fair severance package and an honest recommendation.

But I do agree with your DH that you are nitpicking. You could easily solve some of your concerns by providing alternate equipment like an umbrella stroller or a front pack. Every day people with disabilities do a wonderful job caring for their children and keeping them safe. I would be far more concerned if my nanny was constantly on her cell phone and neglecting or abusing my child. The most important characteristic for a nanny to have, and I would say difficult to find, is a genuine love for her charge.

Good luck to you!

Thanks.

I thought about that - but I don't want to have to go out and buy another stroller (plus she is too young for an umbrella one right now anyway). I have an Ergo carrier, and can see if may that's easier for her to use. I don't love the idea, but it could be an interim solution.

 

[frndshpcptn]

owe her a favor, sure (like not minding if she needs to come in late a couple times!) - owe her a job for years, no

Maybe this is how you explain it to her, then. You made a decision when you weren't really prepared to do so, and now realize you're looking for different qualities in a nanny. Reassure her that you think she's a good nanny, just not a good match. And again, offer references and severance.

I'm sure she would be a good fit for a different family. This is also her first full time job in years (her last two nanny gigs were part time). Maybe that's something better for her skill set.

 

[piccolopat]

I don't know if the other offer was a true offer or not. She said it was for a household with multiple small cildren and that she's rather turn them down and work with us b/c it would be easier.

More the reason to consider whether she can safely care for your daughter once she mobile. It's hard enough for someone who is able bodied but if your nanny has mobility issues, I really wonder how she will be able to run after your child if she darts off at the park.

 

[BadgerGirl84]

Thanks.

I thought about that - but I don't want to have to go out and buy another stroller (plus she is too young for an umbrella one right now anyway). I have an Ergo carrier, and can see if may that's easier for her to use. I don't love the idea, but it could be an interim solution.

You are the mama, not me, but I would not let someone with mobility issues wear my newborn in an Ergo. I let my nanny carry my 5 week old in a Boba (same thing) but she's 21 and fit as a fiddle. The thought of her walking around with the baby in a carrier actually gives me chills--I highly discourage it.

I really feel for you, OP. It's so incredibly stressful and emotional hiring in home care. I've done the hiring and firing multiple times and it's just uncomfortable firing someone who works directly for you and is in your home every day. The gifts you mention would make me uncomfortable too.

I would bring up the political thing when you do interviews. I would ask if she minded keeping her political views to herself. I personally ask about religion when I interview--I don't ask what the potential nanny's religion is, but I do ask if she is comfortable reading my children religious books and leading a short prayer at meal time.

 

[littleblackegg]

There are no perfect people and certainly no perfect nannies. Everyone is going to have an issue that must be worked out. As for your feeling uncomfortable, postpartum depression is nothing to sneeze at. You may have symptoms like the anxiety you are experiencing for a few months to a year or two. This is normal and to be expected. You might want to discuss this with the doctor who treated your depression. She/he may have some suggestions. There are also NO perfect moms. Be well with your perfectly imperfect self.

 

[gottaluvPluto]

Also - she brings us gifts often and says thank you every single day and tells me every single day how grateful she is that we are giving her this job. It makes me feel worse. And irrationally annoyed.

Have you talked to your nanny about the politics, gifts and you wondering about her mobility? If not, you truly need to communicate to your nanny.

 

[gwynne]

Have you talked to your nanny about the politics, gifts and you wondering about her mobility? If not, you truly need to communicate to your nanny.

I think it would be hard to back track and get things on a more professional basis. Obvious politics is out of bounds. Getting the gift train started is asking for trouble.

I'm not sure what is legal to discuss in terms of mobility. OP knew she had limited mobility. I would never trust what someone "says" when my eyes tell me something different. I suppose (during the interview) the prospective nanny could have been invited to sit on the floor with baby and parents during tummy time or something. If she refused, there's your answer.

I understand OP went through a difficult time, and I am glad she's feeling better. Some of this may be a learning curve for the next nanny. I hope it's helpful.

 

[eeyoreandtink]

It sounds like you feel this nanny is not a good fit for your family. That is reason enough to find someone else. You don't really owe her anything but a fair severance package and an honest recommendation.

But I do agree with your DH that you are nitpicking. You could easily solve some of your concerns by providing alternate equipment like an umbrella stroller or a front pack. Every day people with disabilities do a wonderful job caring for their children and keeping them safe. I would be far more concerned if my nanny was constantly on her cell phone and neglecting or abusing my child. The most important characteristic for a nanny to have, and I would say difficult to find, is a genuine love for her charge.

Good luck to you!

ITA with this I think you are nitpicking because the grass looks greener on your friend's side of the fence. Have you considered the fact that they make not be telling the full truth about how "wonderful" their nannies are? The Mommy Wars crowd do that kind of thing all the time to make their lives seem better than they are. You could solve her mobility issues by changing your setup so that she doesn't have to get into the floor with the baby or take a stroller up and down the stairs. How does your building not have some kind of disabled access and why can't she use that??It sounds to me like she is truly grateful to have the job, is good to your baby, but is scared you are going to move on to someone more slick and trendy like your friends.

 

[Pembo]

Trust your instincts...if she doesn't seem like the right person then move on.

 

[cabanafrau]

She brought us flowers this week. It made me uncomfortable. She brought us wine glasses last week.

And everyday: "thank you, thank you so much - I so appreciate this and I love working with you" and on and on.

Maybe I'm just too corporate and unfamiliar with this - but my dog care provider (she walks our dog each day) isn't like this. Friendly and caring to our puppy for sure - but not overly gushy every day.

Simply based on the gushing, the gifting, the pressure about pulling the trigger about the hiring initially -- classic manipulation tactics. I would not be comfortable either. It doesn't have to have any sinister intent behind it, but I could not and would not want to accept it as business as usual.

If you are going to make a change you need to have all of your ducks in a row before she gets wind of it. I'm not suggesting you simply toss her out on her ear without severance, but it's my experience that excessively nice behavior deteriorates rather quickly when the worm turns. In your shoes I would be prepared to inform her at the finish of her last day and present her with severance and leave things very matter of fact with no details.

 

[Liberty Belle]

She's 3 months old. The nanny came twice a week while i was in the city (I was home usually - or would go out for an hour or two then come back). She's been helping us for two months. She still hasn't mastered the stairs in that time - even with one of us helping her each time (I don't let her do it alone).

Other things that have bothered me - we went in a cab and she couldn't figure out how to open and close the stroller to get it in the trunk. The cabbie figured it out for her. I guess to me that's just...tradecraft. She also had trouble getting the cold weather protective cover on the stroller (I had to show her how it worked). Again - tradecraft.

I may be to harsh. I know. I want someone who is competent and doesn't look to me to show her how to do basic things. I work long hours and need this person to be a dynamic caregiver - helping to babyproof when the time comes, making baby food, etc. She will do it if I ask - but I'd like her to proactively offer.

If you don't like her, you don't like her. I'd let her go now (with a nice apology and explanation and a bonus) before the baby becomes too attached.

That said, I don't see the problem if the super can help her down the stairs and, regarding the "tradecraft" things, I think you're being way too picky.

 

[frndshpcptn]

ITA with this I think you are nitpicking because the grass looks greener on your friend's side of the fence. Have you considered the fact that they make not be telling the full truth about how "wonderful" their nannies are? The Mommy Wars crowd do that kind of thing all the time to make their lives seem better than they are. You could solve her mobility issues by changing your setup so that she doesn't have to get into the floor with the baby or take a stroller up and down the stairs. How does your building not have some kind of disabled access and why can't she use that??It sounds to me like she is truly grateful to have the job, is good to your baby, but is scared you are going to move on to someone more slick and trendy like your friends.

I hear you - but I'm not sure how I could change my building access. There is no way in or out that doesn't involve a flight of stairs.

And her bouncy seat, floor chair, playmat, etc. are all meant to go on the floor. Not sure where else I'd put them?

 

[frndshpcptn]

If you don't like her, you don't like her. I'd let her go now (with a nice apology and explanation and a bonus) before the baby becomes too attached.

That said, I don't see the problem if the super can help her down the stairs and, regarding the "tradecraft" things, I think you're being way too picky.

The super would have to assist every single day. Twice a day. I'm just not comfortable with that set up.

But I agree - better sooner than later.

 

[Liberty Belle]

The super would have to assist every single day. Twice a day. I'm just not comfortable with that set up.

But I agree - better sooner than later.

Honestly, the homophobia would bother me more than anything, but I'm very progressive. Not only would I not want a homophobic person alone with my child (more so with an older child), I really would rather employ someone who wasn't a bigot.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

Up thread a poster brought up a good point how to people with mobility issues get in and out of the building

Not rooting for you to keep someone you dislike just wondering

 

[wilkeliza]

Up thread a poster brought up a good point how to people with mobility issues get in and out of the building

Not rooting for you to keep someone you dislike just wondering

NYC has an interesting situation where many apartment buildings and condo buildings are not compliant for people who can not do stairs. They use the undue hardship on the building and then do the bare minimum upkeep so they have have to make it compliant. I've lived in many builds here that a friend in a wheel chair or a family/friend who had trouble with stairs would not be able to visit me.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

Honestly, the homophobia would bother me more than anything, but I'm very progressive. Not only would I not want a homophobic person alone with my child (more so with an older child), I really would rather employ someone who wasn't a bigot.

Yep, this would put such a bad taste in my mouth that I'd have a hard time ever looking at her the same way again. Not that it's a fireable offense (I don't think?), but this is why you keep your political views out of the workplace, folks!

 

[mjkacmom]

NYC has an interesting situation where many apartment buildings and condo buildings are not complaint for people who can not do stairs. They use the undue hardship on the building and then do the bare minimum upkeep so they have have to make it compliant. I've lived in many builds here that a friend in a wheel chair or a family/friend who had trouble with stairs would not be able to visit me.

I live in a 300 year old town, and not everything has access. Not all schools are wheelchair accessible. Sometimes students who sustain an injury and need elevator access have to switch elementary schools for a while. So many buildings were built a long time ago.

 

[roseaster]

Simply based on the gushing, the gifting, the pressure about pulling the trigger about the hiring initially -- classic manipulation tactics. I would not be comfortable either. It doesn't have to have any sinister intent behind it, but I could not and would not want to accept it as business as usual.

If you are going to make a change you need to have all of your ducks in a row before she gets wind of it. I'm not suggesting you simply toss her out on her ear without severance, but it's my experience that excessively nice behavior deteriorates rather quickly when the worm turns. In your shoes I would be prepared to inform her at the finish of her last day and present her with severance and leave things very matter of fact with no details.

Because her actually being a nice person who likes her job and the OP's family is out of the realm of possibility? My goodness.

The woman has bad knees and is politically conservative, she isn't an ogre.

The OP doesn't like her, for whatever reason. She had decided long before this thread to fire her and is for some reason looking for validation. Some people validated her, some didn't, either way she plans to fire her so the whole point is moot and there is no need to add fuel to the fire.

Firing her is the OP's prerogative, but the woman does deserve some professional courtesy, although she is not the OP's perfect fit she hasn't done anything wrong, and she has performed her job as asked. At least show her a little kindness and give her notice and severance. The OP's "buyer's remorse" is not the nanny's fault.

 

[wilkeliza]

I live in a 300 year old town, and not everything has access. Not all schools are wheelchair accessible. Sometimes students who sustain an injury and need elevator access have to switch elementary schools for a while. So many buildings were built a long time ago.

I was just saying that NYC is unique because most places in the US don't have condo buildings that are generations old. Yes a 300 year old town may have some public buildings that are not accessible but I would imagine most apartment complexes and condo buildings are at least accessible to the first floor. If the OP owns their apartment in an older building 3 steps in and out with no ramp or lift wouldn't be uncommon here at all.