My sister's wedding issues

[luvsJack]

Thank you for respecting our choices. I bolded because in the same way that you find it odd that we won't leave our kids with a stranger is how I feel that people would actually do that. To each their own and it is not my place to judge. I don't think I am in the minority though. I only actually know one person IRL who would leave their children with a stranger. Everyone we know uses family and/or very close friends. I think each parent has to make the choices they feel comfortable with otherwise they are not going to enjoy the night out at all if they are stressed about it.

At my nieces second wedding, it was adult's only at the reception. She had some college age girls set up in a room close to the reception hall to keep the kids. The girls were strangers to most, but came with several recommendations. They were actually there even before the wedding and as the guests brought their kids in they were welcome to stay a few minutes to meet the girls. The kids could be checked on at any time as they were just a couple of rooms away. I wouldn't just leave my child with a total stranger that I didn't know anything about, but didn't have a problem with this at all.

I don't think there should be a problem having an adults only wedding if that is what the bride and groom want. But, I think what my niece did was a good alternative and was greatly appreciated and used by everyone that attended and had kids; they even kept some of the kids during the ceremony itself (even though she only specified the reception).

 

[MushyMushy]

However, I live in a very small town (the same town I grew up in). I would not have been able to answer yes to any of those when we lived in Minnesota, Virginia, North Carolina or Chicago.

And we're getting a bit off track. Once again, where is that original poster???? She has several questions posed to her that she hasn't answered.

Michelle

That's the way it is in my town. I knew the home daycare sitter as well as all her backups. They were also licensed through the state.

And I made it a point to get to know people who would be spending significant amounts of time with my kids.

 

[bethy]

Do the parents who say they would never leave thier children with a stranger

Know every adult at thier children's school in September?

Every day care worker?

Every bus driver?

Heck every nurse in the doctor's office?

Never say never.

Yes, I should qualify my answer: I would never leave my child ALONE with a stranger. I am more comfortable with situations where there are more than one adult present at all times. (Adults who have had background checks run on them and have been fingerprinted as they are in schools, doctors' offices, daycare centers, etc). On top of that in the above situations my child would at least be old enough to be more likely to be able to report to me if there were issues, etc. I don't do daycare but I would be more comfortable with a daycare center for younger children than I would with an in home provider who would be alone with my child and without accountability. I wouldn't leave my young child alone with a healthcare provider unless there were a team of them.

 

[Hillbeans]

Yes, you can have wahtever wedding you want and people should be able to abide by it, except that in this case you lied through your teeth and now expect them to magically be okay with the situation. Your wedding is one day- is this worth killing your relationship with your sister over?

My thoughts exactly.

 

[mjkacmom]

{shrug} I would be OK with a local high school or college student that came recommended or a youth pastor (as someone suggested). Also, it took me about 30 seconds to find a babysitting service here in Madison just like Fairy Godmothers. The babysitting could be in the same venue as the reception so the kids are not far away from the sister.

I don't see how the kids would need to be kept overnight. Did I miss something? The thread was moving kinda fast for a while.

I too would have no problem leaving my kids with a sitter that someone recommended (that's how I found some of my sitters), or someone who had been screened by a service (and we have services here - they're just more expensive than a teen or college student). I would also be fine with a recommended teacher or daycare provider who babysat on the side.

 

[mvazul]

At my nieces second wedding, it was adult's only at the reception. She had some college age girls set up in a room close to the reception hall to keep the kids. The girls were strangers to most, but came with several recommendations. They were actually there even before the wedding and as the guests brought their kids in they were welcome to stay a few minutes to meet the girls. The kids could be checked on at any time as they were just a couple of rooms away. I wouldn't just leave my child with a total stranger that I didn't know anything about, but didn't have a problem with this at all.

I don't think there should be a problem having an adults only wedding if that is what the bride and groom want. But, I think what my niece did was a good alternative and was greatly appreciated and used by everyone that attended and had kids; they even kept some of the kids during the ceremony itself (even though she only specified the reception).

We hired a sitter for our reception. Kids were most definitely invited, but we had family and friends come in from Illinois and Florida. I gave them the option of using the sitter if they wanted to. This way, they could decide for themselves if they wanted a night without their kids. The sitter was with us for dinner and then went up to the room we had booked for the night. Some of our guests used her and ohers didn't. I had several people thank me for including their children and also for providing a sitter. (Of course, I was a mom of a 6 year old at the time, so my perspective may have been a bit different.) The kids that stayed - including my son - were extremely well behaved and danced with us until well after 1:00 AM.

That's the way it is in my town. I knew the home daycare sitter as well as all her backups. They were also licensed through the state.

And I made it a point to get to know people who would be spending significant amounts of time with my kids.

I know or am related to most of my town. That can be a good thing and a bad thing all in one!

Michelle

 

[Kathi OD]

{shrug} I would be OK with a local high school or college student that came recommended or a youth pastor (as someone suggested). Also, it took me about 30 seconds to find a babysitting service here in Madison just like Fairy Godmothers. The babysitting could be in the same venue as the reception so the kids are not far away from the sister.

I don't see how the kids would need to be kept overnight. Did I miss something? The thread was moving kinda fast for a while.

People are assuming that there will be a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. Because the sister is a 2.5 hour drive away from the wedding site, it seems to follow that it would make sense for her to stay overnight rather than drive home, only to come back in the morning.

 

[moon]

Yes, she would probably need some counselling, and end up on Jerry Springer down the road. I can't imagine having to tell my precious children that mommy and daddy are going to an adult wedding, and that they're not invited. Oh, the tears! The agony!

Maybe it's the fact that I have a lot of kids, but this wouldn't be a blip on their radar, and if they complained, they'd be told to get over it. It's 4 hours! There will be no other children there! I've been to so many weddings without my kids, including my sister's! My children are not scarred for life!

I really don't get your attitude in this one. Why the need to mock?

No one has said they'll be scarred for life, but they will feel rejected -with good reason.

It is NOT four hours. It's an out-of-town wedding. The sister doesn't have anyone to sit with the kids for such long time, plus the expense of a sitter would be a big strain on her. This on top of the lies from the OP.

This are just some of the reasons why so many posters are siding with the sister, and not the OP.

 

[mjkacmom]

I really don't get your attitude in this one. Why the need to mock?

No one has said they'll be scarred for life, but they will feel rejected -with good reason.

It is NOT four hours. It's an out-of-town wedding. The sister doesn't have anyone to sit with the kids for such long time, plus the expense of a sitter would be a big strain on her. This on top of the lies from the OP.

This are just some of the reasons why so many posters are siding with the sister, and not the OP.

I think that some ppl are being overly dramatic on the extent her kids will be disappointed, some claiming that this will effect them for years to come. Give me a break - they're not being rejected, they're just not invited to an adult event, where there will be no children. I think 7 and 11 year olds are old enough to get that, and I don't think the 2 year old will care that much. It's a whole year away - I think they have time to deal with it. It's the adults that get bent out of shape, not kids.

Again, the OP should've fessed up as soon as her sister mentioned the kids, but she was obviously chicken.

 

[daisax]

No one has said they'll be scarred for life, but they will feel rejected -with good reason.

People have implied that it will permanently scar the relationship with their aunt.

I guess this is just a cultural thing that those of us who are used to weddings without kids can't quite grasp the insurmountable nature of the problem. Because obviously we have out of state relatives who manage to come to weddings, and they make arrangements. Sometimes they stay home, usually they don't. It doesn't cause drama. Kids don't hold grudges for life. It's a non-issue.

Doesn't change the fact that it's an issue for this family, but if you've gone to dozens of family weddings in your lifetime where the majority of the guests were people with children, it is clear that it is possible for most people to manage. Maybe geographically/culturally it's not expected in your area, and the very idea offends, but that doesn't make it a Herculean problem to overcome, and it doesn't mean that anybody who can do so is simply "lucky."

 

[robinb]

People are assuming that there will be a rehearsal and rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding. Because the sister is a 2.5 hour drive away from the wedding site, it seems to follow that it would make sense for her to stay overnight rather than drive home, only to come back in the morning.

I was assuming that she would bring her kids with her to the sister's town. That way the kids can see the family, etc. But the OP would have to provide a sitter for the rehearsal dinner too or the sister's DH could stay back in the room with the kids. I would only leave my DD overnight with someone I already knew and trusted.

 

[Kathi OD]

I was assuming that she would bring her kids with her to the sister's town. That way the kids can see the family, etc. But the OP would have to provide a sitter for the rehearsal dinner too or the sister's DH could stay back in the room with the kids. I would only leave my DD overnight with someone I already knew and trusted.

Well, you know what happens when we assume? I guess that's part of the problem, we really don't know what the plans are in that respect. I can't imagine expecting my sister's DH to have to stay at the room in a hotel with my kids while I attended my sister's wedding reception. And from reading OP's original post, since the reason she doesn't want kids at the reception to begin with is so the adults can have fun, how much fun does she think her sister will have if her DH isn't with her to help celebrate?


ETA: BTW...I don't recall mention of a DH or SO, so we're not really sure if the sister there is someone to stay at the hotel with the children.

 

[Pigeon]

I think that some ppl are being overly dramatic on the extent her kids will be disappointed, some claiming that this will effect them for years to come. Give me a break - they're not being rejected, they're just not invited to an adult event, where there will be no children. I think 7 and 11 year olds are old enough to get that, and I don't think the 2 year old will care that much. It's a whole year away - I think they have time to deal with it. It's the adults that get bent out of shape, not kids.

Again, the OP should've fessed up as soon as her sister mentioned the kids, but she was obviously chicken.

Maybe some children would respond in the manner you indicate, but some will absolutely not. For some, it will be a permanent change to the relationship. It was for me when I was excluded from my cousin's wedding, and no, not because my parents encouraged me to be hurt. They most certainly tried to gloss over it. I was hurt, and chose never to be close to her again.

I'm not saying that the OP should be forced to invite her nieces and nephews, but it is a distinct possibility they will be hurt and it's simply one possible repercussion of her actions. All decisions have consequences and you have no more idea of how the kids will feel than anyone else does (myself included).

 

[TwinsinCA]

Do the parents who say they would never leave thier children with a stranger

Know every adult at thier children's school in September?

Every day care worker?

Every bus driver?

Heck every nurse in the doctor's office?

Never say never.

All school employees and volunteers at my kids' school are required to have background checks or they are not allowed to be alone with a child. Ever. In addition to that, doors are supposed to be left open if there is only a teacher and student in a room.

My kids have never been in day care.

My kids don't ride the bus.

I always go with my kids to their doctor appointments.

 

[Kathi OD]

I think that some ppl are being overly dramatic on the extent her kids will be disappointed, some claiming that this will effect them for years to come. Give me a break - they're not being rejected, they're just not invited to an adult event, where there will be no children. I think 7 and 11 year olds are old enough to get that, and I don't think the 2 year old will care that much. It's a whole year away - I think they have time to deal with it. It's the adults that get bent out of shape, not kids.

Again, the OP should've fessed up as soon as her sister mentioned the kids, but she was obviously chicken.

Even though I disagree with much of what you've said on this topic, I have to totally agree with you on this one. Kids are much more resilient than we give them credit for. Of the three children, MAYBE the 11 yo will have some sort of lasting disappointment. The other 2, not so much, UNLESS the adults in the situation keep bringing up the "slight" of not being invited to aunt's wedding. IMO, the real damage will be between the two sisters, and that, as far as I am concerned, is very sad.

 

[moon]

People have implied that it will permanently scar the relationship with their aunt.

And I agree with that. But I was replying to the "scarred so much" that 'they'd end up on Jerry Springer" comment

I guess this is just a cultural thing that those of us who are used to weddings without kids can't quite grasp the insurmountable nature of the problem. Because obviously we have out of state relatives who manage to come to weddings, and they make arrangements. Sometimes they stay home, usually they don't. It doesn't cause drama. Kids don't hold grudges for life. It's a non-issue.

But the OP has stated that kids go to "all weddings in the family", so those kids aren't used to weddings without them. there'll be a big difference on this one, and I think the relationship will permanently change for that reason. Why wouldn't it? She doesn't want them included in one of the most important days of her life. The rest of the family includes them. Wouldn't they naturally feel that the rest of their family feels closer to them than this aunt does?

ETA: I'm more specifically talking here about the 11 year old. But the 9 yearr old being so close in age to her sister will be aware of everything through her. I know the two year old won't care, but there are babysitting issues with the baby.

 

[LindaG4458]

My sister also wanted no kids at her wedding. She did allow only the kids IN the wedding party to come. Maybe as a compromise you could have just your nieces and nephews there and no other kids. Make them flower girls and have a ring bearer. I think your sister will still have fun if they are there- maybe even more fun since it will make her feel better.

A family friend had just the ring bearer and flower girl at her wedding. In the middle of the reception the ring bearer set off the fire alarm. It definitely added some excitement to the event!

 

[Mkrop]

Well, you know what happens when we assume? I guess that's part of the problem, we really don't know what the plans are in that respect. I can't imagine expecting my sister's DH to have to stay at the room in a hotel with my kids while I attended my sister's wedding reception. And from reading OP's original post, since the reason she doesn't want kids at the reception to begin with is so the adults can have fun, how much fun does she think her sister will have if her DH isn't with her to help celebrate?


ETA: BTW...I don't recall mention of a DH or SO, so we're not really sure if the sister there is someone to stay at the hotel with the children.

I asked the question about a DH awhile back and OP has not returned to answer this.

 

[NY Disney fan]

Pigeoning in this thread to say I can't believe we are 18 pages in! Stop beating up on the OP. Flying away now.

 

[robinb]

I was assuming that she would bring her kids with her to the sister's town. That way the kids can see the family, etc. But the OP would have to provide a sitter for the rehearsal dinner too or the sister's DH could stay back in the room with the kids. I would only leave my DD overnight with someone I already knew and trusted.

Well, you know what happens when we assume? I guess that's part of the problem, we really don't know what the plans are in that respect. I can't imagine expecting my sister's DH to have to stay at the room in a hotel with my kids while I attended my sister's wedding reception. And from reading OP's original post, since the reason she doesn't want kids at the reception to begin with is so the adults can have fun, how much fun does she think her sister will have if her DH isn't with her to help celebrate?


ETA: BTW...I don't recall mention of a DH or SO, so we're not really sure if the sister there is someone to stay at the hotel with the children.

You misunderstood what I said. I didn't suggest that the husband stay behind (at home or in the room) with the kids for the wedding reception. That would be silly . I did suggest that maybe he stay behind with them for the rehearsal dinner which is not as important as the reception. I would recommend that the OP either allow the kids at her reception (since they are allowed at the wedding itself) or for her to provide a babysitter in the same venue as the reception.

ETA: You brought up the rehearsal dinner so that's what I was commenting on ...