Moral Dilemma

[Emmyfaye]

I am with the "visit the relatives, for heaven's sake!" crowd. Making compromises is part of life.

 

[Fox&Hound]

Your dilemma sounds familiar! We are often found in this predicament!! Imagine DH and I going on our second honeymoon in the BVI and learning that my SIL would be there at the SAME time?? How random was that?! I was a little steamed. We planned and saved for a year and she found a quick weekend supersaver deal at the last minute and decided to "surprise" us. I was so incredibley annoyed. Yes family is important... but you need time alone with your significant other as well.

My suggestion would be similar to what others have written: Make some time to spend an evening with both families, perhaps dinner with your DU and DA, ice cream sundaes at Beaches and Cream with SIL and kids... A few hours on two different nights shouldn't disrupt your vacation too much. It might be fun to see them!!

Whatever you do, I hope you enjoy your vacation!!!

 

[Hopefully]

I don't think you are being selfish - but perhaps a bit "self focused" (Not necessarily a bad thing). I totally understand your excitement having carefully planned a long awaited trip, as you have. And I understand your dismay at the suggestion that your plans may be disrupted
That said, 11 days is a long time - you're both so lucky! I would suggest that you make a few hours for the family. Perhaps meet late afternoon at the Boardwalk. You could take in the atmosphere there, resort hop (Something you and DBF would also enjoy, especially since you are staying off site), and have dinner together at one of the restaurants there. This is something that calls for a slower pace than the theme parks to begin with, and you could all have fun.
At the end of the day - your family will always be there for you, in good times and bad, so a few hours to please them really isn't a huge sacrifice, if you have added it to your plan in advance.
Just my 2 Cents!

 

[Jen D]

I completely understand your feelings on this matter, and sympathize... having said that, I'd say suck it up and make time for a meal with your family, and your boyfriend's family as well. It is the right thing to do, it won't be a huge hardship, and the trip is being made possible by your families.

I'm not judging you for wanting to be alone-- I am the designated person in the family for juggling the needs and desires of all the in-laws and grandparents and it can seem a little overwhelming when everyone wants a piece of you. But-- look at the big picture and the long run-- do what's best for the family, and consider everyone's feelings. Bad feelinsgs over little things in families can last a long time, believe me, I know!

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Thank you all.

I think for now,I'm just going to wait and see as we get nearer the date how much free time we will end up having.

 

[kessieann]

Well, first of all I think you are not at all an incredibly selfish person or else you would not have posted your problem here. I think in your heart you know the so called "right thing to do" but wanted to get some validation for how you feel about it. I definitely can relate to the situation you are in and definitely think that having dinner with them is a great solution since you are so lucky to be there so many days. Talk it out with your BF and come to a decision you can both be happy with and will not cause bad feelings while you are at the happiest place on earth.

Also, I think it is a real shame that your parents would want to put "strings" onto the gift they are giving you. Parents can sometimes be so darn good at guilting their grown children-ok, well at least mine are but that is another story LOL!

Most important have a really super spectacular fairy dust filled vacation

 

[twinmomplus2]

It seems you have alot of time already in Disney and Universal. I would never miss out on an oppurtunity to see my relatives, If they were people that I enjoyed spending time with. Is this Uncle someone you like? About 10 years ago. I tooka 2 week trip to the Jersey Shore. I had gotten in a row with my Dad about going in the first place. So I did not leave a contact number. Well my dad's only living Aunt died while I was away and since noone could contact me (no Cell phone at the time) I never knew until I got home and she was dead and buried. I have always fealt badly and still do to this day.
For me the Jersey Shore is still there but My aunt is not. For you it's Disney it'll still be there.

 

[goofy4tink]

Could you maybe split up for 1/2 a day? BF goes with his sister and you get to spend some time with DA and DU? And then of course, you have set plans for the evening that you couldn't possibly miss !! I didn't take my mom with me on my last trip to WDW and now it's too late. I'm not preaching here, but you just never know what life has is store for you. If you don't get to see your favorite aunt and uncle very often, then maybe you should take this chance. Or, as a lot of others have suggested, try to book a meal together. But, I sure wouldn't worry about it a whole lot. Do what you can live with. Our motto at my house is..."Families..can't shoot 'em, can't live with 'em!"

 

[jann1033]

are you sure they want to see "you"?..I mean are they there on vacation also? ,maybe your *parents* think this is a good idea and U andA aren't that crazy about it either. no offense intended but how close are you really if you don't see them for years at a time and only live a few hrs. away? I think the best idea is offer them a lunch or dinner with a set time and see if they take you up on it. (they may be old but evidently they do have a life!) you can endure it for a couple hrs and have to eat anyway. then you make everybody happy and don't feel like a creep.

 

[beatnik]

Sorry to say that it seems to me you have no choice but to visit with your relatives. You are being treated very well by your family members and it seems reasonable for your parents to expect you to reciprocate.

My advice to you would be to take the bull by the horns and plan a meal or some other specific event with them ASAP. If you wait too long, they may assume you will be spending a whole day together-- if they do something like spring for park passes just to spend the day with you, you'd probably feel too guilty to not spend the day with them. And having been to Disney with just my husband and also with groups of relatives, I will say unequivocally that it is very difficult to tour parks with too many adults in a party. My experience is that people are too polite to say what they want to do, so you wind up doing far less while everyone discusses what to do next. So make a specific plan-- call up your aunt and uncle and tell them your Mom let them know you'd be at wdw at the same time-- you'd love to get together-- how about dinner on the 5th or putt-putt on the 7th... Suggest something you think they'd like to do, something with a specific beginning and end.

Beatnik

 

[maidmarion]

I can totally understand how you feel, but you are going to be there for quite some time. i think you will enjoy your vacation much more if you don't have this guilt hanging over you, so do it early in the trip and then enjoy your romance!

Doing HDDR with everyone (DBF's family and DA and DU) could be fun. Also, the idea of splitting up for a couple of hours and seeing your respective families could help you because you could easily cut things short, "Well, I have to be back to meet DBF at Teppanyaki!" or whatever!

I know it's not the best, but won't you be able to enjoy everything much more knowing that you haven't hurt feelings? I know I would.

Have a great trip!

 

[Zippa D Doodah]

I hope I am not sticking my foot in my mouth here, but why is your mother trying to force this meeting between you and this aunt and uncle who you live only three hours from but never see? Obviously you don't have much of a relationship with them. Since she is helping underwrite the trip (if I remember correctly from your original post) you really are sort of obliged to do it, though. Why don't you just save up until you can pay for it yourself, or do it the old fashioned way -put the trip on credit
Don't get too starry-eyed and idealistic about this romantic vacation anyway. Not to wish anything bad for you, but an 11 day trip with a boyfriend you are not married to is automatically laden with opportunities for disappointment, heartache, and other disasters.

 

[Jaklackus]

If it were me...I'd offer to treat the Aunt and Uncle to dinner...Hoop De Doo sounds good..especially since your parents already are paying for half of it. And offer to spend a morning with BF's family..possibly a lunch...makes everyone happy. Both my parents and my in-laws live in FL...one set 40 minutes east of Disney, the other set 30 minutes west of Disney so even on our Disney honeymoon we didn't have alot of alone time until we boarded our cruise then our room steward became our new shadow..lol, it's absolutely amazing that we managed to get pregnant on the honeymoon, I must have been asleep ;o).
Now is the perfect time to learn to make some compromise for family and still maintain control over your vacation..if you and BF get married, have kids...it gets worse...the relatives will want to see the babies....I have given up hope of ever staying on site again..the guilt only gets worse with grandbabies. But this is a perfect time to set boundaries...we no longer travel with my brother and his wife since our vacation styles differ and my parents can't handle the power struggle between my DH and my SIL everyday..and it's not fair to make them choose between staying or leaving after lunch. Which is sad since my kids would actually love the parks with my brother....but his wife likes to go in late, eat lunch and leave..what a way to waste a park day on your passes!
I know that you have a solid plan for park touring for all 11 days....that's a long time to be on a schedule for any couple.....especially with such high expectations for the trip. It might be a good idea to focus on someone else for a few hours here and there....it keeps reality in check...DH tends to get a bit spoiled with all that one on one attention after a day or so...and expects me to become his personal 'spa girl' .."rub my shoulders", "file my nails", etc, etc...which is sort of cute for 5 seconds...after that I want to strangle him..I did not go on vacation to get hand cramps from rubbing out his shoulder knots that never go away.
Whatever you decide...have fun and be flexible!

 

[Jordan's MOM]

You are getting a lot of good "think about advice". I agree with a couple of things that others have hinted at. I know I am kind of old fashion but I think a trip with a boyfriend is different than a honeymoon. I would not expect anyone to share part of that with family members. However, boyfriends come and go and your family is there to pick up the pieces and support you through the rest. If there is a chance, that DB will be a husband someday, I also agree that learning to set family values will be a important part of the relationship.
My advice is to invite your boyfriend's family to join you for a character meal at a resort one night and to ask your aunt and uncle to join you for a nicer sitdown meal, also at a resort, one other night. The dinner hour meal will limit the time afterwards and set your limits from the begaining. Don't forget you might really enjoy the time with them .

Jordan's mom

 

[maycruiser]

Agree with meeting your family members at the Hoopty Doo, then take a boat ride together back to the MK, and say your goodbyes!

 

[mickeysaver]

Originally posted by pirateofthecarolinas
You are going to be spending 11 days with DBF on your first romantic trip. At some point you are going to want to talk to someone else. You may be getting on each other nerves by then. Lori

Wow Lori, that's a bit harsh. Some of us would rather spend every waking moment of the rest of our lives with only the love our live's to talk with. I am one of them. We have been together for over 4 years and I think we have only had 2 major arguments and both of them were about FAMILY. Mickey

 

[mickeysaver]

Ok, I get very into planning my WDW vacation. I look at my time at WDW as MY time away from the world. My honey and I really feel so much closer to one another there, mostly because we both relax and can spend time together. I have been working on the plans for our December vacation for almost a year. I have romantic things planned as well as just some wonderful opportunities to kick back and take in pixie dust. Needless to say, my plans are for us alone. We have saved for the last 15 months like crazy to make this happen.

My honey's family lives in FL. Her mother is the first love of her life and they are extremely close. Her mom wanted to join us on this trip. To put it plainly, I wigged out. lol She has many health issues and she is very tight with money. Needless to say, having her along causes me MAJOR STRESS. So, to compromise, I was forced to blow the surprise that I had planned for her. Yes, I was trying to be nice to the mother outlaw....it does happen. lol Anway, we told her about the Afternoon Tea at the Grand Floridian that we were going to take her to before we actually arrive at WDW for our vacation. She was totally cool with that. Thank God!

In your situation, I can see where the whole family is helping out with the money thing would make it harder to stand your ground. I totally understand how disruptive and almost heartbreaking it can be to have all your hard work and planning fly out the window. But, in this case, you have a couple of windows.

#1. Go see your uncle and aunt before you actually go on vacation. Show them your itinerary. Let them meet your DBF and let them know that your trip is of a romantic, not family reunion, nature. I think you might see that they will understand and not actually want to blow your day.

#2. Bite the bullet and rework your itinerary to work them in somewhere some day. I know, this one sucks pond water.

#3. See if they actually even want to see you to begin with. Sometimes older folks in poor health don't really want to be obligated to deal with a trip to WDW either. You might be surprised.

I wish you much luck. Mickey

 

[Puffy2]

11 days?? This is a no brainer.

Set up a meal with each of the families in question. You will have all of a few hours to spend with them and if you are luckey, you'll be doing something you wanted to do anyway - eat. I'm not saying spend the whole day with these folks, just a meal. City Walk would be very convienent for you to meet up with them at Universal - many restaurants to choose from all within walking distance.

Somethings we should just do because we should - epecially since you have accepted money (tickets, whatever) from your parents. I have a friend who has spent her whole life doing "what she wanted when she wanted because it's her life, etc..." and she is the most selfish 50 year old on Earth. She is also very lonely. People will remember how you treat them.

I'm not meaning to sound harsh if that is the way I'm coming across - I understand your desire to have "romantic together time" but now is a good time to find out how giving and responsible your boyfriend is (and you are as well). Life will be full of compromises.

If your trip was three days, this might be different.

If it makes you feel any better I wouldn't want to have to meet up with my relatives either.....but I would.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by jann1033
are you sure they want to see "you"?..I mean are they there on vacation also? ,maybe your *parents* think this is a good idea and U andA aren't that crazy about it either. no offense intended but how close are you really if you don't see them for years at a time and only live a few hrs. away? I think the best idea is offer them a lunch or dinner with a set time and see if they take you up on it. (they may be old but evidently they do have a life!) you can endure it for a couple hrs and have to eat anyway. then you make everybody happy and don't feel like a creep.

Yeah. They are the ones who suggested it. And the thing is we don't have as much time as it sounds like we do. We have one day at each Disney park with a 1/2 day to go back to one park. Then we have one day at Sea World. And One day each at Universal and Islands of Adventure with a 1/2 day to go back to one park. Then we have one other day that's already more booked up with stuff to do than the park days.

As for going back, I hate to admit it, but DBF and I are , well, not wealthy people. We likely will not be able to afford to go back to Orlando again for at least another 5 years or more. My parents on the other hand are literally millionaires so them helping us out isn't really a big deal to them.

But you're right. The guilt of not seeing them will eat away at me if I don't see them. So I will. The thing is, DBF's family doesn't really like me. He has a family get together once a week which he almost always goes to. I sometimes go and when I go I am ignored or treated like one of the children. (I'm 27 for Pete's sake! ) and I dread spending time with them. DBF on the other hand loves my family. We see my family maybe once a month or so and DBF always has fun.

We can both relate to my family. DBF has frequently said thats why he likes them. His family however, he can't relate to. Nor can I. So I dunno. It's complicated. But I guess we're gonna have to suck it up and see them in WDW.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by Zippa D Doodah
Not to wish anything bad for you, but an 11 day trip with a boyfriend you are not married to is automatically laden with opportunities for disappointment, heartache, and other disasters.

I hope this doesn't sound snippy. Because I totally respect married people and their religious faiths as I feel that everyone has a right to live as they please.

Actually , DBF and I have agreed we will never be married. We are both very againts marriage and have been together in a very commited relationship for years. Most of our friends , (except those who are all for marriage for religious reasons that we do not share) have said our reltionship is better than most of the marriages they know of, are in, or have watched fall apart.

I was married for 3 months once and the man I was married to was VERY abusive and cruel. We "honeymooned" in WDW and I spent the entire time by myself, crying and calling my mom begging her to send me plane tickets to come home. 3 months later I was able to escape and put my life back together.

Even though we aren't married, DBF is more like a DH and we consider ourselves a family. We live as we are married, share the financial burdens married people do, have been through the ups and downs. Really the only thing we don't have is children (and though we adore children, we aren't going to have children for various reasons). My family respects and treats us as such. His family is different.

I'm not trying to start a married vs. unmarried debate. I just wanted to stress the seriousness of our relationship so that people don't think this is just some fleeting romance.