NHdisneylover
DIS Legend
- Joined
- Feb 26, 2007
- Messages
- 18,122
OP--you sound rather stuck on extremes to me.
You talk about being sure your could whip him into shape when you first married and cooking the perfect diet and nagging home constantly about taking pills etc. Honestly, hearing you talk about how things started, it seems like you were drawn to the idea of saving him at least as much as you were actually in love with who he was. It reminds me of people who adopt older children from abroad with idealistic notions of how they can "save" those children and then cannot handle it when it turns out those kids actually have many serious issues and it is not easy to help them (and these are CHILDREN who cannot always help themselves, not adults who are sabotaging themselves as your husband does).
Of course, you NEED to get over the savior mentality. You cannot save him from himself, only he can do that if he so chooses, and you are not a bad person at all for not being bale to save him from his own choices--HE is ab ad person when he manipulates and mentally abuses you.
And then you bounce to the other extreme, where if he yells at you, you will go out and buy him whatever junk food he wants, etc and fully enable him and help him sabotage himself.
Until you are able to talk yourself into leaving, and seeking MUCH needed ongoing therapy for yourself, please look for the reasonable middle ground in dealing with your husband. Don't nag him about what he eats or if he takes his medication, etc but also do not let him use you. Make a healthy dinner for yourself and enough that he can eat too. If he wants something else, he can figure out how to get it but YOU are not going out and fetching it for him. If he yells at you, calmly tell him you will not be spoken to in that way, and leave the house for a while (if he yells when you come back, turn around and walk back out).
Basically, you can and should refuse to be his accomplice in harming himself but also do not be drawn into trying to force (or nag) him into not making his own choices and there are a lot of things you simply should not be doing for him or with him. Drive him to the doctor and then leave and have him call when he needs you to pick him up--let him deal with the doctor on his own. Stock the house with foods you want to eat and want him eating and if he wants other things, ignore his requests but do not say anything if he finds some other way to get it into the house. If he wants to go back to rehab, hand him the phone and tel him he can call them and work on it (don't call fr him). If he does not want to go, calmly tell him that you cannot do xyz for him so he will have to figure it out, etc.
You talk about being sure your could whip him into shape when you first married and cooking the perfect diet and nagging home constantly about taking pills etc. Honestly, hearing you talk about how things started, it seems like you were drawn to the idea of saving him at least as much as you were actually in love with who he was. It reminds me of people who adopt older children from abroad with idealistic notions of how they can "save" those children and then cannot handle it when it turns out those kids actually have many serious issues and it is not easy to help them (and these are CHILDREN who cannot always help themselves, not adults who are sabotaging themselves as your husband does).
Of course, you NEED to get over the savior mentality. You cannot save him from himself, only he can do that if he so chooses, and you are not a bad person at all for not being bale to save him from his own choices--HE is ab ad person when he manipulates and mentally abuses you.
And then you bounce to the other extreme, where if he yells at you, you will go out and buy him whatever junk food he wants, etc and fully enable him and help him sabotage himself.
Until you are able to talk yourself into leaving, and seeking MUCH needed ongoing therapy for yourself, please look for the reasonable middle ground in dealing with your husband. Don't nag him about what he eats or if he takes his medication, etc but also do not let him use you. Make a healthy dinner for yourself and enough that he can eat too. If he wants something else, he can figure out how to get it but YOU are not going out and fetching it for him. If he yells at you, calmly tell him you will not be spoken to in that way, and leave the house for a while (if he yells when you come back, turn around and walk back out).
Basically, you can and should refuse to be his accomplice in harming himself but also do not be drawn into trying to force (or nag) him into not making his own choices and there are a lot of things you simply should not be doing for him or with him. Drive him to the doctor and then leave and have him call when he needs you to pick him up--let him deal with the doctor on his own. Stock the house with foods you want to eat and want him eating and if he wants other things, ignore his requests but do not say anything if he finds some other way to get it into the house. If he wants to go back to rehab, hand him the phone and tel him he can call them and work on it (don't call fr him). If he does not want to go, calmly tell him that you cannot do xyz for him so he will have to figure it out, etc.