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[NHdisneylover]

OP--you sound rather stuck on extremes to me.

You talk about being sure your could whip him into shape when you first married and cooking the perfect diet and nagging home constantly about taking pills etc. Honestly, hearing you talk about how things started, it seems like you were drawn to the idea of saving him at least as much as you were actually in love with who he was. It reminds me of people who adopt older children from abroad with idealistic notions of how they can "save" those children and then cannot handle it when it turns out those kids actually have many serious issues and it is not easy to help them (and these are CHILDREN who cannot always help themselves, not adults who are sabotaging themselves as your husband does).

Of course, you NEED to get over the savior mentality. You cannot save him from himself, only he can do that if he so chooses, and you are not a bad person at all for not being bale to save him from his own choices--HE is ab ad person when he manipulates and mentally abuses you.

And then you bounce to the other extreme, where if he yells at you, you will go out and buy him whatever junk food he wants, etc and fully enable him and help him sabotage himself.

Until you are able to talk yourself into leaving, and seeking MUCH needed ongoing therapy for yourself, please look for the reasonable middle ground in dealing with your husband. Don't nag him about what he eats or if he takes his medication, etc but also do not let him use you. Make a healthy dinner for yourself and enough that he can eat too. If he wants something else, he can figure out how to get it but YOU are not going out and fetching it for him. If he yells at you, calmly tell him you will not be spoken to in that way, and leave the house for a while (if he yells when you come back, turn around and walk back out).

Basically, you can and should refuse to be his accomplice in harming himself but also do not be drawn into trying to force (or nag) him into not making his own choices and there are a lot of things you simply should not be doing for him or with him. Drive him to the doctor and then leave and have him call when he needs you to pick him up--let him deal with the doctor on his own. Stock the house with foods you want to eat and want him eating and if he wants other things, ignore his requests but do not say anything if he finds some other way to get it into the house. If he wants to go back to rehab, hand him the phone and tel him he can call them and work on it (don't call fr him). If he does not want to go, calmly tell him that you cannot do xyz for him so he will have to figure it out, etc.

 

[Disney Doll]

Because if a patient has no recourse and no one to care for them and they can't care for them self, it is the hospitals responsibility to provide the patient with a safe discharge plan.

 

[Frozen72]

OK, checking in:

It was not the most pleasant of nights last night, he woke me up at like 3:00 AM. My fault though, when I cleaned the bathroom, I forgot to put the toilet riser thing back on the toilet. (Granted when I got to the bathroom, he had it on the toilet, it was just done incorrectly. He had the seat down and was trying to put it on top of that). Either way, this is something he could have figured out on his own, instead it is much easier to start yelling at me. It was my punishment for making a mistake. Thank goodness our neighbor is gone, because this place will not tolerate people making a lot of noise etc...

I did manage to get back to sleep thankfully. After I got up, cleaned the bathroom, again. Picked up around the apartment, again. I let him sleep til almost lunch time, I made lunch and cleaned up the kitchen. After that I just went back to bed. Thankfully he didn't bother me. I slept a while. He had fallen asleep while I was sleeping and was still asleep when I got up and picked up the stuff he left strewn about the place and started getting cooking supper. I served supper and while cleaning up the kitchen he started in on me about how I really should have done laundry today. "I just really thought you would have done some laundry' about 5X. Bonus, he left me a mess in the bathroom. I said something to him about it, and his response is "I cleaned it"... maybe he tried to clean it, but it was still an unholy mess.

Safety is a concern at this point yes... call me paranoid, but I am concerned with that the messes he are making this home a haven for disease. I do not know if this is a legitimate concern or I am just squeamish but after the list of infections he has had (including mrsa) I am going through latex gloves and disinfectant like a maniac. (Not tonight, couple days ago) I about lost it when I went into his room and saw a poop covered wash cloth ON a dinner plate. I threw the plate in the trashcan. Maybe it is extreme and a dishwasher might have disinfected it, but I just couldn't stand it.

In regards to hospital discharge stuff... he behaved so badly in one hospital a few months ago, that is how he ended up in the skilled nursing facility to begin with. He was belligerent with the staff and causing scenes. The social worker helped us get him into a facility that time.

It has been a big volleyball game between mental health services and the physical people. Physical rehab says they cannot fix the mental, and a mental facility will not touch him because of the raging diabetes. They knock it back and forth and it lands on me.

He has said that he most definitely will NOT go back into a facility, so getting him to agree to it would be no easy task. He was like I don't like the BS of having to report to breakfast at 8AM and all that... However, he seems to function the best in such a setting. He actually seemed to be pretty happy in there too.

Either way, this cannot continue. I have to have either him or myself removed from this situation.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Why is he sleeping till lunch time? As a diabetic, he should be up at a reasonable time for breakfast and then have meals at regular times throughout the day. (When is he taking his medicine?) And, to combat his depression and get him feeling back to being part of the human race again, he should get washed and dressed after breakfast (like they make them do at rehab) and maybe find some things to do during the day, like a little exercise, even if it's from his wheelchair, maybe going out for a walk/roll while the weather is still nice, or shopping, visiting, etc. Not sleeping all day. Exercise helps with managing blood sugars. In rehab, a normal routine is a must, and ideally that continues at home.

I suppose we could look at the positives here and say that at least he got to the bathroom by himself and tried to maneuver the toilet seat, and also tried to clean up his mess a bit. (Did you have him try the metamucil - at breakfast time? So a regulat bowel movement can be expected at regular times, like during the morning or afternoon, not the middle of the night?) Does he not know how to place the toilet seat because you always do it for him? Maybe he has to learn some thing here. That will take some time and baby steps.

 

[Frozen72]

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[Pea-n-Me]

I was also wondering when the last time he saw his psychiatrist was as the sleepiness could be a sign his psychotropic meds need to be adjusted. (You don't have to answer but it might be something to check out.)

 

[Frozen72]

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[Allison]

So what do you want to take from this thread? Are you you looking for a place to vent about how terrible your days are and plan to continue in the same routine or are you looking to make a change? Either is fine. It's your life but it might be helpful for people here to know as it might affect the advice they give you.

 

[Frozen72]

delete

 

[Frozen72]

delete

 

[Skywalker]

Sorry OP, you are obviously just wallowing in feeling sorry for yourself in all this. Yes, you feel sorry for yourself. Yes, that is understandable. But you are not the only one. Thousands of people are caregivers everyday. My friend takes care of both parents while trying to juggle a job - she cleans up "messes" multiple times per day and night and she is stressed and exhausted. The difference is you seem to take your husband's problems as a personal affront to you...you blame him for his sickness and you also blame him for your behaviour (he made me do this, he made me do that)...he is SICK. If you can't handle that, then LEAVE. Don't worry about getting permission because there is NO kind way to do this. But if would probably be best for you both.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Why is he sleeping till lunch time? As a diabetic, he should be up at a reasonable time for breakfast and then have meals at regular times throughout the day. (When is he taking his medicine?) And, to combat his depression and get him feeling back to being part of the human race again, he should get washed and dressed after breakfast (like they make them do at rehab) and maybe find some things to do during the day, like a little exercise, even if it's from his wheelchair, maybe going out for a walk/roll while the weather is still nice, or shopping, visiting, etc. Not sleeping all day. Exercise helps with managing blood sugars. In rehab, a normal routine is a must, and ideally that continues at home.

I suppose we could look at the positives here and say that at least he got to the bathroom by himself and tried to maneuver the toilet seat, and also tried to clean up his mess a bit. (Did you have him try the metamucil - at breakfast time? So a regulat bowel movement can be expected at regular times, like during the morning or afternoon, not the middle of the night?) Does he not know how to place the toilet seat because you always do it for him? Maybe he has to learn some thing here. That will take some time and baby steps.

While I agree that he should be getting up and moving about, etc--I do not agree that it is the OP'S responsibility to try to wake him and force him to do so. Her husband has shown time and time again that he resents her efforts to help him and does not want them. I think she is right to stop putting herself out there and trying to help only to be yelled at. She shouldn't be going out of her way to enable his behaviour (being quiet so he can sleep during the day, for example) but should not be trying to force him to take care of himself either. Especially given that this is a relatively new relationship and he was dealing (poorly) with his issues long before he came along--this is not a 20 year relationship in which new health and mental problems have suddenly reared their ugly heads.

 

[Dawnlight]

Sorry OP, you are obviously just wallowing in feeling sorry for yourself in all this. Yes, you feel sorry for yourself. Yes, that is understandable. But you are not the only one. Thousands of people are caregivers everyday. My friend takes care of both parents while trying to juggle a job - she cleans up "messes" multiple times per day and night and she is stressed and exhausted. The difference is you seem to take your husband's problems as a personal affront to you...you blame him for his sickness and you also blame him for your behaviour (he made me do this, he made me do that)...he is SICK. If you can't handle that, then LEAVE. Don't worry about getting permission because there is NO kind way to do this. But if would probably be best for you both.

From what I understand from what the OP has written, some of his sickness is his fault. Diabetes is controllable. Mental illness is controllable. He's refusing to take care of his illnesses and is making OP shoulder the burden of caring for his lack of control in regards to his health.

This is not the same as a someone who has cancer, and illness beyond a patient's control. It's not like an older person with Alzheimer's that is beyond their control.

 

[mom2grace]

OK, checking in:

It was not the most pleasant of nights last night, he woke me up at like 3:00 AM. My fault though, when I cleaned the bathroom, I forgot to put the toilet riser thing back on the toilet. (Granted when I got to the bathroom, he had it on the toilet, it was just done incorrectly. He had the seat down and was trying to put it on top of that). Either way, this is something he could have figured out on his own, instead it is much easier to start yelling at me. It was my punishment for making a mistake. Thank goodness our neighbor is gone, because this place will not tolerate people making a lot of noise etc...

I did manage to get back to sleep thankfully. After I got up, cleaned the bathroom, again. Picked up around the apartment, again. I let him sleep til almost lunch time, I made lunch and cleaned up the kitchen. After that I just went back to bed. Thankfully he didn't bother me. I slept a while. He had fallen asleep while I was sleeping and was still asleep when I got up and picked up the stuff he left strewn about the place and started getting cooking supper. I served supper and while cleaning up the kitchen he started in on me about how I really should have done laundry today. "I just really thought you would have done some laundry' about 5X. Bonus, he left me a mess in the bathroom. I said something to him about it, and his response is "I cleaned it"... maybe he tried to clean it, but it was still an unholy mess.

Safety is a concern at this point yes... call me paranoid, but I am concerned with that the messes he are making this home a haven for disease. I do not know if this is a legitimate concern or I am just squeamish but after the list of infections he has had (including mrsa) I am going through latex gloves and disinfectant like a maniac. (Not tonight, couple days ago) I about lost it when I went into his room and saw a poop covered wash cloth ON a dinner plate. I threw the plate in the trashcan. Maybe it is extreme and a dishwasher might have disinfected it, but I just couldn't stand it.

In regards to hospital discharge stuff... he behaved so badly in one hospital a few months ago, that is how he ended up in the skilled nursing facility to begin with. He was belligerent with the staff and causing scenes. The social worker helped us get him into a facility that time.

It has been a big volleyball game between mental health services and the physical people. Physical rehab says they cannot fix the mental, and a mental facility will not touch him because of the raging diabetes. They knock it back and forth and it lands on me.

He has said that he most definitely will NOT go back into a facility, so getting him to agree to it would be no easy task. He was like I don't like the BS of having to report to breakfast at 8AM and all that... However, he seems to function the best in such a setting. He actually seemed to be pretty happy in there too.

Either way, this cannot continue. I have to have either him or myself removed from this situation.

Please leave and go to a domestic abuse shelter and get your life back. This is domestic abuse. I am 44 and could NOT imagine. You have half of your life left. GET OUT NOW! Don't look back.

 

[Suger Mag]

The ironic thing is that both of you would most likely end up being happier and healthier going your separate ways than continuing to exist in the miserable current situation.

Currently you enable him while he abuses you and does nothing to improve his situation. I doubt that will change as these behavior patterns are likely very ingrained in your relationship dynamics. If you leave, he will be forced to address his situation and you can concentrate on improving your life. The cat will be fine in a room. Stop making excuses and carpe diem.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Sorry OP, you are obviously just wallowing in feeling sorry for yourself in all this. Yes, you feel sorry for yourself. Yes, that is understandable. But you are not the only one. Thousands of people are caregivers everyday. My friend takes care of both parents while trying to juggle a job - she cleans up "messes" multiple times per day and night and she is stressed and exhausted. The difference is you seem to take your husband's problems as a personal affront to you...you blame him for his sickness and you also blame him for your behaviour (he made me do this, he made me do that)...he is SICK. If you can't handle that, then LEAVE. Don't worry about getting permission because there is NO kind way to do this. But if would probably be best for you both.

I think your post is a little unfair.
I do think you are right in the Op wallowing and feeling sorry for herself. This thread seems like a big B* session on how awful her husband is. She doesn't seem to be looking to actually change anything.
His sickness is largely his own fault and its not fair to guilt trip her for her feelings. Caring for and about someone who is sick and there's nothing more that can be done to help is much different than caring for someone who refuses to even try and help themselves.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

Sorry OP, you are obviously just wallowing in feeling sorry for yourself in all this. Yes, you feel sorry for yourself. Yes, that is understandable. But you are not the only one. Thousands of people are caregivers everyday. My friend takes care of both parents while trying to juggle a job - she cleans up "messes" multiple times per day and night and she is stressed and exhausted. The difference is you seem to take your husband's problems as a personal affront to you...you blame him for his sickness and you also blame him for your behaviour (he made me do this, he made me do that)...he is SICK. If you can't handle that, then LEAVE. Don't worry about getting permission because there is NO kind way to do this. But if would probably be best for you both.

From what I understand from what the OP has written, some of his sickness is his fault. Diabetes is controllable. Mental illness is controllable. He's refusing to take care of his illnesses and is making OP shoulder the burden of caring for his lack of control in regards to his health.

This is not the same as a someone who has cancer, and illness beyond a patient's control. It's not like an older person with Alzheimer's that is beyond their control.

Not only is he refusing to control his illness, it sounds like he is abusive.

I think that those who keep referring to OP wanting to leave because her husband is sick are missing the issue.

As PP mentioned this isn't a sickness where one has to relinquish control and leave it to fate and medical science. The OP's husband is an addict-he's sick because he's addicted to carbs and sugar (and likely some of the mental issues would be a lot less difficult when the whole body system isn't completely out of whack). Caregiving for an addict is enabling and it will take you down. If the husband were a fall down drunk and his addiction of choice were alcohol, yes people might say he's ill but they sure as heck wouldn't tell OP that she's leaving a sick person and just couldn't handle the caregiving.

The OP doesn't want to leave a sick husband, she wants to leave an abusive addict.

To the OP-call the domestic abuse hotline, go to a shelter, call a specialist in domestic abuse situations, please talk to somebody that can help you form a plan to get out. Not just financially, but mentally and emotionally. Leaving an abusive partner is scary; it's why so many women (and men actually) stay in abusive relationships for so long. They're isolated and lonely, please please at least talk to somebody.

Question: was your husband abusive before he had so many complications from diabetes?

 

[RitaE]

I kind of started a big ol' response to all of this that kind of went blah blah he shouldn't do this blah blah you shouldn't do that blah blah over and over.

But you know what? None of that is really the point. He's wrong, you're wrong. It did kind of bother me before when you said you didn't know whether or not he had paid an ambulance bill. It also kind of bothers me that you really seem kind of iffy on his exact mental health diagnosis.

But really it all kind of boils down to this. What do you want? If you do not want to be married to him. If you do not want to be his Caregiver, then you need to take action to remove yourself from those positions. Because what you just described as a "bad night" is what things are going to be. There is going to be waking up in the middle of the night to assist him. There is going to be cleaning up. There is going to be meal preparation that he sleeps through. He is likely going to be obnoxious and mean and yell at you because that seems to be just how he is, it isn't going to change.

I realize that we are coming out of a long holiday weekend where you really couldn't do anything but now we are at Tuesday and things are open again and all the medical people are back in their offices. So you need to decide whether or not you are going to end this situation or whether or not this is just going to be another thread where you complain, people offer advice, nothing changes, and life goes on.

And frankly if he is up moving around enough to leave junk around your house and to get himself out of bed and into the bathroom, then most of the safety concerns of just walking out and leaving him alone no longer apply. What he chooses to do if you leave is up to him, the medical people, and his family. You need to decide about you.

 

[ronandannette]

It is one of those things where I don't know exactly what I wanted to accomplish. I think it a lot of it was venting, part of it is maybe a way of seeking permission to do what I am wanting to do.

Please leave and go to a domestic abuse shelter and get your life back. This is domestic abuse. I am 44 and could NOT imagine. You have half of your life left. GET OUT NOW! Don't look back.

There you go...mom2grace has given you "permission". Can we expect a post from you later today reporting that you've actually DONE something about it?

 

[Lisaloo]

I think your next step is to get real. If he wants Dairy Queen then he needs to get his *** up off the couch and get it himself. Same with White Castle. STOP enabling him. It doesn't matter how big a fit he throws, if he wants it he has to get it himself. Would you give him heroin just because he asked for it and threw a fit.

When he makes a "mess" in the bathroom put diapers on him. If he insists on acting like a toddler then he gets treated like a toddler. If his negative behaviors keep getting him what he wants you will get no where.

Quit enabling him and take care of yourself. Start by treating yourself the way you want to be treated. Sending empowering thoughts your way.

Wow heroin?!! That is a great analogy and should be a wake up call for OP.