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[cabanafrau]

Character in Cruel Intentions
Sarah geller played her
K....M...,

That little factoid right there steered me away from here.

 

[gwynne]

I probably should have read the synopsis. New one to me, missed it. Heading out.

 

[LovesTimone]

I appreciate your post, thoughtfulness and insight. I guess since you have worked in this you have seen this kind of thing and realize that it actually CAN happen. I am not making this up like people seem to be saying.

Today's update:

It is NOT c diff....they assumed, but assumed incorrectly. Tested twice came back negative. The doctor seems to think that it was probably some gastrointestinal infection or disruption caused by all the meds he is taking, possibly a virus. He just isn't sure. he says if it was any serious things like c diff or something else he named off, the tests would have shown it. He is actually getting better. The doctor was freaked out about the blood sugar readings of course. If I have heard that once I have heard it a million times, that's for sure. Of course the doctor's lecture went in one ear and out the other I am sure.

I had a very, very long talk with the social worker today. She knows a lot about our case and situation. She has seen both of us at our worst. She spelled it out for me and answered some of the serious questions I had. I guess I was ranting a bit like a lunatic, because she said that I definitely need counseling too and I am an enabler. My vision is clouded, my judgment is off. I can't continue this path. She understands how hard it is to deal with him because she has done so in a professional capacity and was the one who helped get him in skilled nursing to begin with. She asked me if I was willing to do counseling, and even told me where. I agreed and will. She also says that he needs therapy, in-patient therapy is quite difficult to impossible to get because of his physical condition. She said he could do outpatient at the same place she suggested I go. They do counseling, group, you name it.

We had a nice long talk, she comforted me and it made me feel a lot better even though the news was not necessarily good. I had her go talk to him about getting the help he needs.... he threw her out of the room.

I asked her what would happen if I was not "in the picture". She says that he can get one of those panic button things if he lives on his own, or if he cannot make it on his own they can put him in a home. There is also a "go between" type thing where they can be assigned a caregiver if they are requiring help but not quite nursing home level care. I guess the bottom line is, he can survive without me.

It may vary by location, but the way things work are:

1. You CANNOT force therapy up a patient they have to agree to it.
2. You CANNOT just put somebody in a home if they do not want to go.
   
3. No matter how somebody is acting, yelling, screaming etc... unless they issue a threat to themselves or others, you cannot "have them taken away" as long as they are coherent. Just not going to happen.
4. It is NOT possible to help somebody who will not cooperate. They have every right to refuse services as long as #3 is met.
   
5. There seems to be no such thing as "adult protective services" like I have heard of on TV.

I have even spoken with in-laws about this issue. They were telling me, "you gotta have them do something" about this. When I told them about him refusing treatment, the response was "looks like the two of you are going to have to have a talk".

First off if his parents aren't helping then quit talking to them. You don't need anymore on your plate than you already have.

Every state has some sorta of Elder care, adult protective services, some times they are under different government agencies. You have to sometimes dig around for the info.

Yes they have a right to refuse, but if he is living alone and can not do the basic for himself or if his choices are not sound. Then something can be done, you will need documentation, such as every time you have to call to get him off the couch, get a calendar and keep record. If his doctor says he is a good candidate for long term care then push this avenue.

Just reading through most of the post I suggest strongly get the help you need, you are spiraling out of control. It seems like you are caught in the under toe and its pulling you under. It is easy to become complacent, and feel sorry for yourself and to be honest you seem to like the drama. Now the questions is do you have courage to really do something about your problems, or are you going to just talk about it. While you might think that what I have said is harsh, it is meant to make you stop and take a look around you. There are stranger's here that are offering advice, prayers and pixie dust. If you are not going to do anything about your situation then don't complain or post about it, remember... are you are making the choices.

So put on your big girl panties, and make arrangement to get out, call the social worker, doctors, let them know your plans, send his parents a message once you have moved out. Make a list of his med's post it near the phone so that the EMT's have the info, also Doctor names and numbers, fill the house with food, and get in your car and go. The rest is up to him.

 

[littleblackegg]

I appreciate your post, thoughtfulness and insight. I guess since you have worked in this you have seen this kind of thing and realize that it actually CAN happen. I am not making this up like people seem to be saying.

Today's update:

It is NOT c diff....they assumed, but assumed incorrectly. Tested twice came back negative. The doctor seems to think that it was probably some gastrointestinal infection or disruption caused by all the meds he is taking, possibly a virus. He just isn't sure. he says if it was any serious things like c diff or something else he named off, the tests would have shown it. He is actually getting better. The doctor was freaked out about the blood sugar readings of course. If I have heard that once I have heard it a million times, that's for sure. Of course the doctor's lecture went in one ear and out the other I am sure.

I had a very, very long talk with the social worker today. She knows a lot about our case and situation. She has seen both of us at our worst. She spelled it out for me and answered some of the serious questions I had. I guess I was ranting a bit like a lunatic, because she said that I definitely need counseling too and I am an enabler. My vision is clouded, my judgment is off. I can't continue this path. She understands how hard it is to deal with him because she has done so in a professional capacity and was the one who helped get him in skilled nursing to begin with. She asked me if I was willing to do counseling, and even told me where. I agreed and will. She also says that he needs therapy, in-patient therapy is quite difficult to impossible to get because of his physical condition. She said he could do outpatient at the same place she suggested I go. They do counseling, group, you name it.

We had a nice long talk, she comforted me and it made me feel a lot better even though the news was not necessarily good. I had her go talk to him about getting the help he needs.... he threw her out of the room.

I asked her what would happen if I was not "in the picture". She says that he can get one of those panic button things if he lives on his own, or if he cannot make it on his own they can put him in a home. There is also a "go between" type thing where they can be assigned a caregiver if they are requiring help but not quite nursing home level care. I guess the bottom line is, he can survive without me.

It may vary by location, but the way things work are:

1. You CANNOT force therapy up a patient they have to agree to it.
2. You CANNOT just put somebody in a home if they do not want to go.
   
3. No matter how somebody is acting, yelling, screaming etc... unless they issue a threat to themselves or others, you cannot "have them taken away" as long as they are coherent. Just not going to happen.
4. It is NOT possible to help somebody who will not cooperate. They have every right to refuse services as long as #3 is met.
   
5. There seems to be no such thing as "adult protective services" like I have heard of on TV.

I have even spoken with in-laws about this issue. They were telling me, "you gotta have them do something" about this. When I told them about him refusing treatment, the response was "looks like the two of you are going to have to have a talk".

Actually, self-care deficit (like refusing to toilet oneself, refusing to manage a diabetic ulcer and risking gangrene, etc) counts as "harm to self." Many involuntary hospitalizations are initiated by these very things. Whether they will keep him in the hospital is always a gamble. As for not being able to place someone incapable of self-care in a facility against their will? That is done every day. The process is initiated by the clinical team and evaluated in family court. Every state's process is a little different, but all states have provisions for the long term care of people unable or unwilling to care for themselves. Depending on what state you live in, I can point you directly to the equivalent of Elder/Disabled Services. These are federally mandated programs.

 

[Frozen72]

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[Hrhpd]

OK I am back... long day. Yes I went to my appointment, yes I agreed to go back for continued help.

As far as my issues: I have adjustment disorder, mixed anxiety and depression.

She said there MAY be something can be done about him, as far as putting him in a facility, she would talk to a higher up and get back to me. I am not holding my breath on that one of course. She does not encourage divorce, but says I would be better off living away from him. I would rather be married and have him receive the care he needs, but if it has to be getting a divorce, that's just what it has to be. I know what my options are, I know what needs to be done. It is up to me to get it done.

Were these issues you already knew about or did the therapist diagnose you with 3 different issues during the first session?

Good for you for keeping your appointment. Just a note. Sometimes it takes a couple of therapists to find one that "clicks" with you. I hope this one is great for you, but if it is not, DO NOT quit and give up. It is perfectly ok to find another one if you are not feeling you are making progress with the one you have. But you need to find another one immediately. No taking a break because otherwise it will be hard to go back. I just say this because in previous posts, you didn't sound like you clicked with your previous therapist and just quit. It is also going to be hard work. Do not quit for any reason. You need this for you.

 

[Frozen72]

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[HM]

I still say that living with your father is not really an option either. You don't say it, but I'm betting there are underlying problems in your relationship with him that have landed you where you are currently. Women often seek out men like their fathers (whether they know it or not).....

 

[Colargol]

How are you doing?

 

[Frozen72]

delete

 

[Colargol]

I am glad to hear that things are somewhat better, and that you you are seeing your therapist again. Hopefully you will have the strenth to make changes needed for you to be truly happy.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Take it one day at a time and keep moving forward. That is what we do here. Thanks for the update.