Marriage Issues

[Lolsmum]

I think counselling is a good place to start. You and your husband grew up in different families and have different ideas of what is and is not OK within a family structure. That's normal. You just have to find a compromise that works.

I also think you really do need to deal with your issues. I only have 2 kids, but otherwise I've been in your shoes with children being my life, my husband rarely able to help out (long hours rather than nights, but the same result) and my own issues with anxiety and depression. In that state, it is hard to get along with anyone, let alone in-laws you already dislike.

Personally, I would have made a courtesy appearance at the party for the sake of my kids, then moved on. You have to choose which hills to die on, and this one wouldn't have been mine. It was yours though, and that's your choice, but you do have to see it does put your husband in an uncomfortable situation and that's a big part of what the two of you need to work through together. He may not even understand exactly what it is you want him to do and why. My husband and I had similar issues around his parents for quite some time and, to him, it didn't seem worth the conflict when I could just ignore the negative things and we only saw them every couple of months. To me, it was him refusing to stand up for me but to him it was refusing to make a molehill into a mountain. Once we understood each other's positions, and I understood he did support me just in a subtler way, it got a lot better. I found I liked my in-laws more too.

The hardest thing about marriage, in my opinion, is blending two different sets of values, beliefs and traditions into one coherent whole.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

My entire life are my children. DH does very little to help me. He works nights so he only gets up with them 2 days a week. Then on his nights off he'll only put them to sleep one out of the two nights, so that leaves bedtime duty to me 6 nights a week. I do all baths, 99% of meals, I do all the food shopping, house cleaning and bill paying. I'm literally nonstop 18 hours a day and then if the kids get sick I'm up with them all night. I've gone beyond my breaking point...so I don't take to criticism very well at this point.

My two cents (since you asked for opinions)
1) go to a doctor and talk about your depression - untreated it will make it nearly impossible for you to move forward. A little prescription may help.
2) find a hobby - its nice your entire life is your children - but you have to have other things you find joy in. Take a class, learn to dance, join a book club etc.
3) meet new people and new friends
4) stop having children until your marriage has improved
5) you are holding a lot of resentment towards your husbands family - let it go - the anger is only hurting you

 

[Bob NC]

It seems like I have posted off and on about my marriage troubles for the past 7 or so years. And in those 7 years, nothing has changed, except the number of children we have.

Keep having more kids, that always helps any marriage problems.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I think counselling is a good place to start. You and your husband grew up in different families and have different ideas of what is and is not OK within a family structure. That's normal. You just have to find a compromise that works.

I also think you really do need to deal with your issues. I only have 2 kids, but otherwise I've been in your shoes with children being my life, my husband rarely able to help out (long hours rather than nights, but the same result) and my own issues with anxiety and depression. In that state, it is hard to get along with anyone, let alone in-laws you already dislike.

Personally, I would have made a courtesy appearance at the party for the sake of my kids, then moved on. You have to choose which hills to die on, and this one wouldn't have been mine. It was yours though, and that's your choice, but you do have to see it does put your husband in an uncomfortable situation and that's a big part of what the two of you need to work through together. He may not even understand exactly what it is you want him to do and why. My husband and I had similar issues around his parents for quite some time and, to him, it didn't seem worth the conflict when I could just ignore the negative things and we only saw them every couple of months. To me, it was him refusing to stand up for me but to him it was refusing to make a molehill into a mountain. Once we understood each other's positions, and I understood he did support me just in a subtler way, it got a lot better. I found I liked my in-laws more too.

The hardest thing about marriage, in my opinion, is blending two different sets of values, beliefs and traditions into one coherent whole.

I agree with much of this.

I see much judgement and resentment towards the inlaws. Families all have different dynamics. That doesn't mean one is automatically wrong or dysfunctional because its not what you are used to.

Op, I have to wonder if some of the issues you mentioned (PPD, anxiety, depression) are causing you to see things with the inlaws in a more negative way.

It sounds like you want you husband to choose them or you. That's not a good or fair position to put him in.

 

[Andtototoo]

I agree with much of this.

I see much judgement and resentment towards the inlaws. Families all have different dynamics. That doesn't mean one is automatically wrong or dysfunctional because its not what you are used to.

Op, I have to wonder if some of the issues you mentioned (PPD, anxiety, depression) are causing you to see things with the inlaws in a more negative way.

It sounds like you want you husband to choose them or you. That's not a good or fair position to put him in.

It's not a good or fair position that he puts her in by demanding she be in places where she's treated like crap. No loving MAN would do that to his wife.

 

[Hoodie]

OP - I understand the frustration and hope counseling helps. I'd recommend some one on one counseling for just you as well to help with your depression and anxiety. Maybe some one-on-one for your DH as well, but that should be his decision. Thankfully my inlaws are 300 miles away (something I am eternally grateful for) but I know if we lived closer we'd have similar problems with my MIL (my FIL is actually sane!)

I do think the one error you made was canceling your DS's party to spite your in-laws. That party was for your son, not you, so I can see why they'd want to give him one. You're really only punishing him. There are obviously some major issues with DH's family, but using your son as a pawn really isn't acceptable. I know it was done in anger and frustration but is it possible to keep the peace for a couple of hours for your son's sake? Look at it this way, if you cancel the party (even if it is just your inlaws) and don't allow him to have one at his grandparents' house, you end up being the bad guy. If you cancel his party and let him go to one at his grandparents' house and you don't attend, you end up being the bad guy. If you continue with the party, you come off as the bigger person.

This has been going on for seven years - it won't be resolved overnight. Suck it up for the sake of your son one more time and then start setting the boundaries (oh - and no alcohol at DS's party...sounds like that is a MAJOR issue in this family.)

 

[sunshinehighway]

It's not a good or fair position that he puts her in by demanding she be in places where she's treated like crap. No loving MAN would do that to his wife.

It sounds like there is a lot of titfortat (I know its not one word) going on. She cancelled the party out of spite. She wouldn't let him have one at his grandparents' out of spite.

No loving WOMAN should constantly put her husband in a position to choose between her& the kids and his family.

 

[kaytieeldr]

Keep having more kids, that always helps any marriage problems.

And the last time sarcasm solved any problem was...?

Surely upon reading the rest of the thread, it became apparent the OP has two children - and that the second wasn't planned.

Not close to "keep[ing] having more kids".

 

[mickeysgal]

I agree with much of this.

I see much judgement and resentment towards the inlaws. Families all have different dynamics. That doesn't mean one is automatically wrong or dysfunctional because its not what you are used to.

Op, I have to wonder if some of the issues you mentioned (PPD, anxiety, depression) are causing you to see things with the inlaws in a more negative way.

It sounds like you want you husband to choose them or you. That's not a good or fair position to put him in.

No doubt there are issues with the dynamics between you, your husband, and your in-laws. That said, I do agree with the bolded. Until you take care of yourself and get the treatment that you need, I can't see how you can get the proper perspective to effectively evaluate and deal with this family situation. Some things may be blown out of proportion, some things aren't. So what does that mean? That means your health comes first and you need to take care of you. I would image that any marriage counselor worth anything, when hearing that you're suffering from anxiety and depression, will suggest that you get immediate help for that. Hard to move forward otherwise.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I would suggest:

1. An appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss changes to help your mood and anxiety. Given your stressful life, I wouldn't simply take meds, but would include yoga and/or meditation.

2. Individual counseling for you to help you sort things out and deal with the above issues.

3. Al-Anon for you and possibly your husband. It helps a person learn how to set boundaries with dysfunctional people, whether alcohol is involved or not.

4. Marriage counseling.


I would stop the threats of divorce. Either you want to work on your marriage or you don't, but the threats undermine the relationship and will negate anything you are working on in marriage counseling.

As far as Al-Anon, I was raised in a non-drinking household, but there were some dysfunctional ways of dealing with issues. Al-Anon helps learn healthier ways of handling ourselves and creating boundaries.

If you think divorce would mean your issues would stop, you are in for a surprise. Yes, you would have court-appointed time for yourself, however remember that your husband would likely have his family watching the children when he has visitation and you couldn't stop him unless there is a court order barring them from unsupervised time with the children. There is less control concerning the whereabouts of our children when parents are divorced. Right now having time to yourself might seem tempting, however when faced with it you may feel differently. My youngest is 12yo and that has been one of the hardest things about my divorce (and my divorce didn't happen until he was 10).

And that's just the tip of the divorce iceberg....it really is one of the most stressful events to occur in ones life. At least it was for me. Having said that, I should have done a lot of things differently, however the actual divorce wouldn't be one of them.

You are the only person who is responsible for your happiness. It isn't to say that you aren't dealing with a lot of stressful events and circumstances, but if you are expecting to have your husband, children, job, yada yada yada, make you happy, it is not likely to occur. In the last 5 years I have dealt with my own severe depression and anxiety, self-medicating with alcohol and pills, realizing I was gay, coming out of the closet (and it was a very large, walk-in closet ),12-step recovery program, marriage ending, and a total lifestyle change. Through it all, I would joke to others that I was the happiest depressed person they could ever meet. Not sure how I survived it all, but I did have to tell myself that I could get through anything for a 24 hour period and that things would get better. Everything passes, the good and the bad.

 

[mickeyboat]

It sounds to me like you both need to be doing a lot of work if you want to save this marriage.

He should stand up for you. He should not allow his family to treat you badly. But I have to tell you, every woman I know who has insisted that her husband choose between her and his family, has wound up losing.

There is room for some compromise here. Digging your heels in and refusing to budge is not helping the situation at all. You don't need to be a doormat, but you can make a difficult situation a little easier for your husband. If he sees that you are willing to give a little, he will be more likely to stand by you, since he can honestly say that you are not the one being unreasonable.

This entire situation could have been diffused if you had made a short appearance at that party.

And it also sounds like your depression and anxiety had really interfered with your life. Please seek treatment.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

I agree with those saying you need to deal with your own problems involving depression, anxiety, etc. These will make your other issues with your husband's family bigger than they need to be.

I honestly don't see a reason why you should have not gone to the party, at least for a little while, but at the same time, I don't see why SIL should have freaked out as much as she did either. Based on previous incidents, the animosity between you and your husband's family just seems to escalate with each issue.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

And the last time sarcasm solved any problem was...?

Surely upon reading the rest of the thread, it became apparent the OP has two children - and that the second wasn't planned.

Not close to "keep[ing] having more kids".

In defense of the previous poster - I see 3 kids? And one of them is 1 year old - so the OP knew she was having problems in her marriage and brought another child into the mix,

 

[Sugardimples]

Sounds like my family. After my mother died, my family imploded and a few of us were shut out. It was the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

[mickeyboat]

Duplicate post.

 

[robinb]

I went to bed last night thinking about this thread. One thing that really stuck out to me is the OP's PPD and continuing depression and anxiety issues. I think that those issues lead her into being overprotective (her words) about her children and distrustful of her in-laws and (in part) her husband. She doesn't trust her inlaws to watch her kids at a birthday party because she feels that they exhibit poor supervision. In addition, she mentioned that her DH doesn't help with the kids because he says he can't handle 3 children. Many people with anxiety issues can have a hard time not being in control of what they think is their responsibility. It makes me wonder if the abilities of the DH and the inlaws are really so poor or if the OP believes them to be insufficient due to her mental illness. I do understand that to the OP, it is all one in the same.

I believe that her depression and anxiety is working against her with her DH and in-laws. Reasonable requests and actions from the OP become colored by the prior unreasonable ones generated by the illness. In addition, it can be draining to love someone with mental illness and I think that there is some residual dislike on the in-laws side from the OP's DH turning to them during her PPD. Everyone needs someone to talk to when they are going through something so emotional and those confidants can form a very negative opinion of the spouse. She may have become "crazy JenRose" to them and it's hard to shake that kind of label.

I feel for the OP. I really do. She seems to be drowning and feels that her DH won't throw her a line. I do think that she believes everything she has written and perception is reality. I just think that both perception and reality may change for the better once she gets her mental illness under better control. I would strongly recommend that she seek more treatment before she draws a line in the sand in her marriage. {{hugs}}

 

[Crankyshank]

My entire life are my children. DH does very little to help me. He works nights so he only gets up with them 2 days a week. Then on his nights off he'll only put them to sleep one out of the two nights, so that leaves bedtime duty to me 6 nights a week. I do all baths, 99% of meals, I do all the food shopping, house cleaning and bill paying. I'm literally nonstop 18 hours a day and then if the kids get sick I'm up with them all night. I've gone beyond my breaking point...so I don't take to criticism very well at this point.

OP I'm sorry about your marital troubles. I know how much of an issue in-law disapproval can be, especially with a non supportive DH. My Ex never stood up for me when his mother bad mouthed me and it caused problems even from 1300 miles away.

The part I bolded is a particularly worrisome red flag for me. You need to have a life outside of your children. It's not healthy for you or for them if they are your entire life. Get out and do something for yourself, even if it's just a manicure. Get your girlfriend to have a night out with you. There is no excuse for you doing all of the work at home. Your DH is the parent as well and it's time for him to step up. However that requires you to release some control issues. So DH doesn't do a perfect job with them while you are out, they will survive. You need a life outside of your family, even if it's just once a month. It's also good for your marriage to have separate and outside interests, especially when you are with each other in the house all day every day since you both work at home.

 

[Rylee]

And the last time sarcasm solved any problem was...?

 

[Pigeon]

I hope the counselling helps, both for you as a person and for your marriage. It seems to me that unless your husband puts you first, you are going to face one long string of this kind of stuff.

Personally, I'd opt out of all the crap on his side of the family. I'd refuse to engage at all. Let him deal with their hissy fits and demands.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It's not a good or fair position that he puts her in by demanding she be in places where she's treated like crap. No loving MAN would do that to his wife.

AMEN.....
That is the bottom line here.
That is the issue.

His family have not treated her appropriately, and and it is now involving her children as well.

However, just to add to what I have posted earlier.... the way the OP is handling this is NOT healthy, beneficial, effective, or positive.
She seems to be, after the fact, RE-acting, in negative ways.

I am going to second, and third, and fourth, the recommendations that she seek some good professional medical and counseling help, for herself !!!

I think to get to any improvement or change, she really is going to have to focus on herself, first.
OP, for a while here, focus on getting some help and guidance for yourself !!!