Marriage Issues

[Tiger926]

I am sorry that OP is going through this. Hang in there OP! I wish you a positive marital counselling experience.

That being said, I agree with other posters who have said that there is an issue with OP's husband. Based on her signature, it seems they got married at a younger age, and so if they dated for awhile, it would seem that they have been together for years. Has it always been like this? What was it like before you were married?

I see a big problem with how the husband is acting. He is acting very hypocritical, and is sneaky in that he is taking his wife's side to her face, and taking his family's side to their faces. He is playing both sides because it's convenient for him, but this is causing big problems in his marriage, and that is not good!

Unfortunately we have to pick sides at certain times in our life, and since husband's family is treating wife in a negative way (and I am not happy with how they act in front of the children), then he must say something to his family.

He needs to stand up for his wife, and that is step 1. He needs to tell his family and show them that he will not tolerate the abuse they have shown to his wife, especially since she has anxiety and depression. This should be a no brainer for OP's husband. It should be about creating a positive and caring environment, and not one of intolerance and rudeness.

As for the party, SIL did exactly what she wanted to do (BTDT with my SIL) without any care for her nephew. She is immature, as is the rest of the family.

At this point, I think marriage counselling is a good start, and over time, individual counselling may be a good idea as well, as husband needs to learn what his role is as her partner. And his role is definitely to set things straight with his family in regards to how they treat his wife.

I wish OP well. It sounds like she is burned out due to a very busy life, and I don't blame her.

Best of luck, Tiger

 

[jenrose66]

Thank you all for your replies. Honestly, I know some people look down at sharing so much information on the internet, but we are all strangers and it helps to talk. I don't have anyone to work this out with. I have my mom, but obviously she's biased. I also have one close girlfriend who's actually younger than me but also has 3 kids but she's non confrontational to a fault, so while she's a good listener, she thinks it's best to take the path of least resistance and continue to be a doormat. Plus it's hard for me to actually talk about this because I don't want to discuss it in front of the kids and as far as talking on the phone, DH works from home so he would hear my conversations...I literally have no privacy.

 

[jenrose66]

I am sorry that OP is going through this. Hang in there OP! I wish you a positive marital counselling experience.

That being said, I agree with other posters who have said that there is an issue with OP's husband. Based on her signature, it seems they got married at a younger age, and so if they dated for awhile, it would seem that they have been together for years. Has it always been like this? What was it like before you were married?

I see a big problem with how the husband is acting. He is acting very hypocritical, and is sneaky in that he is taking his wife's side to her face, and taking his family's side to their faces. He is playing both sides because it's convenient for him, but this is causing big problems in his marriage, and that is not good!

Unfortunately we have to pick sides at certain times in our life, and since husband's family is treating wife in a negative way (and I am not happy with how they act in front of the children), then he must say something to his family.

He needs to stand up for his wife, and that is step 1. He needs to tell his family and show them that he will not tolerate the abuse they have shown to his wife, especially since she has anxiety and depression. This should be a no brainer for OP's husband. It should be about creating a positive and caring environment, and not one of intolerance and rudeness.

As for the party, SIL did exactly what she wanted to do (BTDT with my SIL) without any care for her nephew. She is immature, as is the rest of the family.

At this point, I think marriage counselling is a good start, and over time, individual counselling may be a good idea as well, as husband needs to learn what his role is as her partner. And his role is definitely to set things straight with his family in regards to how they treat his wife.

I wish OP well. It sounds like she is burned out due to a very busy life, and I don't blame her.

Best of luck, Tiger

We did get married young. I was 22 and he was 24. We dated 2 years before we got married, but have known each other since I was 12 or 13 because I was very good friends with his younger brother. We had a great relationship before we had kids. Mostly because I made a lot of money and he just did what he did and we didn't have any responsibility. But after I had DS at 24 I suffered massively from PPD, to the point where I seriously would wake up everyday wishing I was dead. DH didn't know how to deal with it, and his family was always around to see the baby and they used to make fun of my constant crying and how nervous I was about everything...then we ran into the issue with his work and it just snowballed...I don't think we'd be married today if he didn't put some distance between him and his family by quitting that job. Our marriage improved leaps and bounds after he left...however obviously there is still conflict and my unresolved issue is that I just don't feel loved and respected. I feel like I give everything I have to this relationship, to my marriage, to our children. After the kids I got into the habit of stress eating and I gained 30 pounds. I didn't look bad, but I was worried that I'd look unattractive to DH so I lost 26 of those 30 pounds...but it just seems like nothing I do matters.

 

[usd2bmd]

I feel your pain. I have been where you are and I can tell you that it is possible for it to get better.

My relationship with my husband has had it's ups and downs like any, but at the beginning there were serious issues with his family. His mother didn't care for me as I was not the girl she wanted him to date and marry. My husband did not see the problems I had. He did not believe when other members of his family told him that she had told everyone that I was a (**** and *****). People started to wonder when she bought me a black merry widow at one of my showers...and wore black to my wedding and no smiles in any photos. It started to get better when we married and moved about 20 minutes from them. That was too far for his mother. he began to understand when DD was born and his mother would babysit occasionally my husband flipped out because everytime my MIL had my daughter to babysit she gave her suppositories to make her go to the bathroom. even if she was only going to watch her for 20 minutes. She use to continually tell us how to parent and feed my daughter junk food. yes I know that's part of being grandma but not before dinner.

The kicker was when she told my daughter that she hated my new hair color fully expecting DD to keep her secret. I laughed out loud when DD told me, but Dh didn't take it well and when confronted my mother in law promptly turned to my daughter (who was 4 at the time) and called her a lying little brat.

We had words after that and I did not speak or participate in family functions for months.

Your husband needs to set boudanries with his family and until that happens i would not attend any functions without him and would not let the kids attend either. Kids are put in the middle then and don't want to hear those things but alos don't want to beleive that aunts/uncles could be so mean.

Good luck and i hope it all works for you.

 

[cm8]

Thank you all for your replies. Honestly, I know some people look down at sharing so much information on the internet, but we are all strangers and it helps to talk. I don't have anyone to work this out with. I have my mom, but obviously she's biased. I also have one close girlfriend who's actually younger than me but also has 3 kids but she's non confrontational to a fault, so while she's a good listener, she thinks it's best to take the path of least resistance and continue to be a doormat. Plus it's hard for me to actually talk about this because I don't want to discuss it in front of the kids and as far as talking on the phone, DH works from home so he would hear my conversations...I literally have no privacy.

Say what, and the most he will help you with the children is 1 night out of 7. I'll pray for your patience, because if I pray for your strength you might beat him with it Try not to bring your FOO in your marital problems (BTDT got the daggers to prove it). Knowing all he has put you through and how much you have been hurt will never blow over with your FOO. If you choose to stay in your marriage your FOO will always hold what he did to you over his head. They will never see that you have forgiven his past transgression and moved on. It would not be healthy for your marriage if you and him could not be made whole again. Having your past rehashed over and over would get you no where. Good luck and take care

 

[EmmyL258]

Just curious, and it's ok if this is none of anyone's business, but is your husband from an alcoholic family? The situation remands me A LOT of my marriage at the moment. I read a book called Adult Children of Alcoholics and it really helped me understand how dis functional the entire situation was and that I was really not equipped to change my husband's behavior no matter how much "sense" I made. I think counseling is your best choice. Good luck

 

[Wishing on a star]

Jenrose... first, let me send you hugs!

Next, let me speak very simply, as somebody who has BTDT with inlaw and husband issues. Very similar issues....

You most definitely do not have inlaw issues...
What one has to realize is that inlaw issues are usually always marriage issues.

Your husband is not supporting you as a husband, as a father to your children, in your relationships with his family.. etc... etc....

You have stated this very clearly and openly.

This is the ONE thing that you need to address.

Yes, ideally this would mean finding a very good counselor.
But, something tells me that if your husband can't seem to choose to find the respect, or time, for anything else necessary as a husband (and father) that he will simply be unable and/or unwilling to spend time and effort on marriage counseling.

I can only offer you my thoughts/advice as somebody who has been there done that.... You have to be able to decide upon, and be very simple and clear about, YOUR personal boundaries. That takes some real personal fortitude.... But, it must be done.

After the worst incident with my FIL, which was right in front of my little 6 year old at the time son, I did, finally, muster up that fortitude.... And, very clearly and simply, I told DH, that I could simply not subject myself to that type of situation any longer.... That I would NOT be visiting his parents.... Just that simple.....

Then after he had a few minutes to grasp that and digest it, I followed up with the issue that he had NOT backed me up and supported me or protected me as his wife. No red-blooded man would let somebody, even their father, speak to their wife that way FIL had spoken to me...

From my experience, these issues run very, very, deep...
And there are no easy or quick answers.

But, I can only suggest that YOU take ownership of your situation.

Remember, one can not control, or be responsible for, anyone else's actions or attitudes. But, they must ALWAYS be responsible for, and in control of, their own.

Hope this helps....
Again, sending hugs!

 

[marmalade]

We did get married young. I was 22 and he was 24. We dated 2 years before we got married, but have known each other since I was 12 or 13 because I was very good friends with his younger brother. We had a great relationship before we had kids. Mostly because I made a lot of money and he just did what he did and we didn't have any responsibility. But after I had DS at 24 I suffered massively from PPD, to the point where I seriously would wake up everyday wishing I was dead. DH didn't know how to deal with it, and his family was always around to see the baby and they used to make fun of my constant crying and how nervous I was about everything...then we ran into the issue with his work and it just snowballed...I don't think we'd be married today if he didn't put some distance between him and his family by quitting that job. Our marriage improved leaps and bounds after he left...however obviously there is still conflict and my unresolved issue is that I just don't feel loved and respected. I feel like I give everything I have to this relationship, to my marriage, to our children. After the kids I got into the habit of stress eating and I gained 30 pounds. I didn't look bad, but I was worried that I'd look unattractive to DH so I lost 26 of those 30 pounds...but it just seems like nothing I do matters.

It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life. You mentioned earlier about being OK with taking medication to help with your moods. I think that is a good start, making an appointment with your Dr. Or maybe even look into meditation, or yoga, or even an herbalist. It sounds like you need to heal yourself first before you can start to heal your marriage.

 

[jenrose66]

Say what, and the most he will help you with the children is 1 night out of 7. I'll pray for your patience, because if I pray for your strength you might beat him with it Try not to bring your FOO in your marital problems (BTDT got the daggers to prove it). Knowing all he has put you through and how much you have been hurt will never blow over with your FOO. If you choose to stay in your marriage your FOO will always hold what he did to you over his head. They will never see that you have forgiven his past transgression and moved on. It would not be healthy for your marriage if you and him could not be made whole again. Having your past rehashed over and over would get you no where. Good luck and take care

In his defense it is call center work. He has an office in the basement so he can't just come up to help with bedtime. He's only up on breaks and his lunch. The kids like it because we all get to eat dinner...but it's like I'm a secretary too. I'll get texts asking for coffee if I'm not busy etc... Honestly, I'm going to bring up the division of chores in marriage counseling too. I think he has it way to good...I just figured if I'm going to be a housewife...I like to excel at what I do. DH isn't going to offer to do more with the house or kids (he won't even watch them by himself, he says it's too hard to deal with all 3 at the same time), but if I insist, maybe I'll get some more help.

 

[JoiseyMom]

OP hugs! Your DH owes his first loyalty to you and your children. Good luck with counseling. Have you considered moving? With the in-laws far away, it might make things easier.

I have to say if my DH wouldn't protect me against people treating me like trash and talking down about me and not respecting my wishes on our kids then he would be OUT so fast he wouldn't know what hit him!

Good Luck!

 

[Wishing on a star]

In his defense it is call center work. He has an office in the basement so he can't just come up to help with bedtime. He's only up on breaks and his lunch. The kids like it because we all get to eat dinner...but it's like I'm a secretary too. I'll get texts asking for coffee if I'm not busy etc... Honestly, I'm going to bring up the division of chores in marriage counseling too. I think he has it way to good...I just figured if I'm going to be a housewife...I like to excel at what I do. DH isn't going to offer to do more with the house or kids (he won't even watch them by himself, he says it's too hard to deal with all 3 at the same time), but if I insist, maybe I'll get some more help.

Jenrose....
I am sorry to post this... I am just being blunt and open....
A lot I see in your last post sounds familiar.
It also sends up a lot of huge red flags.

I can only send you well wishes, my advice, and hope for the best for you.

However, just like these two post above (will copy them here...) I know that there may not be any quick or easy answers.

it really helped me understand how dis functional the entire situation was and that I was really not equipped to change my husband's behavior no matter how much "sense" I made. I think counseling is your best choice. Good luck

Your husband needs to set boudanries with his family and until that happens i would not attend any functions

Your husband might just be simply unable to establish healthy boundaries within a dysfunctional family... And he may be simply unable to step up in his relationship with you and his children. In fact, I would venture to make that judgement call right now.

These types of inherent issues just do not change or go away.

 

[jenrose66]

Also, I don't want to completely bag on my DH. He is a caring person...he spends a lot of time with his children (playing with them, but still). They are very close and they all love each other.

Me and DH have similar interests. When we are getting along we have lots to talk about and I do love him. I don't want to be a single mom. I don't want to fight over custody. I'm a child of divorce and I know how painful that is. I just have a hard time reconciling why he simply can't/won't stand up for me when it comes to his family.

Also, for the person who asked about alcoholism DH does not drink, however his grandfather was a bad alcoholic and I think that his dad and brother and sister come to think of it, do a fair amount of drinking also...to the point that I find it off putting...

 

[jenrose66]

OP hugs! Your DH owes his first loyalty to you and your children. Good luck with counseling. Have you considered moving? With the in-laws far away, it might make things easier.

I have to say if my DH wouldn't protect me against people treating me like trash and talking down about me and not respecting my wishes on our kids then he would be OUT so fast he wouldn't know what hit him!

Good Luck!

I have considered moving. With DH's job there are many places we can relocate since he's able to work from home. We are planning on moving next year anyway because we want to get the kids in a better school system, I am lobbying heavily for an out of state move. He doesn't want to move the kids away from family...However, I'm thinking if I refuse to back down with the bad treatment his family keeps giving me, knowing how much he hates confrontation, he just might find moving the more palatable option.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow.... again, I see all the same red flags in this post.

I just have a hard time reconciling why he simply can't/won't stand up for me when it comes to his family.

It is because they (and he) are dysfunctional.

That will NOT change.

That is what you have to realize and come to terms with.

It may or may not be related directly to alcoholism....
Many of these types of dysfunctional issues can be attributed to some similar underlying things, as well as alcoholism....

In my case, I can tell you that I have never seen my inlaws take one drink.
However, OMG, the stories that I have heard about alcoholic uncles, aunts, grandparents.

Again, I would advise you to not hope for too much in the way of change from your DH.... And, absolutely ZERO change from his family.

Jenrose, like I and others have tried to say... You need to take ownership and focus on YOU, and what YOU can do in your situation.

A quote here....
Please, give me the the strength to change the things I CAN change...
Accept (find a way to come to terms and deal with) the things that I CAN NOT change....
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I am not usually one to jump on the 'get counseling' bandwagon.
But, for you, I really think you may benefit from counseling and possibly other medical options.... in a real and life-changing way.

 

[Wishing on a star]

However, I'm thinking if I refuse to back down with the bad treatment his family keeps giving me, knowing how much he hates confrontation, he just might find moving the more palatable option.

Doesn't really sound like a healthy or positive approach to take with a spouse.

Yes, it was easier when DH and I lived hours away from his parents.
Which, we just happened to when we got married, as DH got his first big job break and we got engaged and married at the same time.....
( Just a note: Before that, his parents lived out of state, planning to retire here... DH had moved here in advance to start looking for work.
Boy, was it a HUGE wake up call to see how things were going on when, a few years later, we moved back and lived closer to them.)

Back to what I was saying..... Running away from a problem is not usually an answer/solution.

 

[disykat]

Counseling was helpful to my dh in a similar situation. The counselor totally validated what dh thought was my faulty viewpoint that his family was secondary to "us" making our own family and that he should be seeing the two of us as his primary family unit. Hopefully your counselor will be able to help him se that as well.

 

[Rylee]

OP, I just want to say I support your recent decisions.

We've always had issues with DH's sisters. The "last straw" happened during the holidays while I was grieving my mother's very recent death. In the beginning of our marriage, I tried to "make nice," ignore their behavior, let things go, and be the bigger person, (as my husband asked me to do as he does.) Of course the situation didn't improve, and it certainly wasn't working for me. As the years went on, I finally told DH, "If that's how you want to handle them, fine, but it's not the way I want to handle it. You be you and let me be me." I didn't seek out trouble but I was no longer willing to put up with it. I stood up for me and mine. Although I felt better about the way I was dealing with it, nothing changed. Then, this past Xmas, my mother passed away during the holidays. It was a very sad and difficult time and his sisters only added to our pain. I didn't react right away, as I had other responsibilities to attend to... funeral and final arrangements, Xmas shopping for my own kids, caring for my mother's house and belongs, the kids schedules, etc. Although I didn't think I was really focusing on the problems with his sisters, suddenly the solution was very clear to me, and I announced to DH... "I'm done." Once I decided that I was no longer going to be involved in any type of relationship with his sisters, I felt a huge relief. I had peace within myself that I hadn't felt in years. It is the right decision for me.

You do not have to subject yourself to their behavior. And you are within your rights, and it is in the children's best interest, to protect your children from those who willingly and openly disrespect their mother. Perhaps in time an agreement or arrangement can be worked out, but for now, you need to think of yourself and your kids.

Your IL's have a problem, (sounds like lots of problems) but your husband is your problem. He needs to stop being the BOY that his parents raised and start acting like the MAN you married.

Marriage is a partnership and it doesn't seem like he's being much of a partner. He needs to be reminded of his vows.

 

[handinpocket]

First off, I would find someone who keeps children in their home for a very good price (they are out there), then I would find a full time job. If my husband continued to be a spineless piece of dog dung (this will not change). I would leave him.

I hate spineless men.

 

[bluesaturn]

It sounds like both partners have a lot of work on individually and as a couple. The husband sounds like he is involved in some very dysfunctional patterns with his family. The wife sounds like she suffers from some depression/anxiety and is not handling stress well. Hopefully the therapist will help them each make changes in themselves which will help them focus on their marriage.

 

[RadioNate]

No doubt we both have things to work on. I have owned the fact that I'm over protective. I also suffer from depression and anxiety. Since April I have lost some weight and started working out and I hoped that would help my moods, but it hasn't, so maybe I need some pharmaceutical help, I'm willing to look into that.

But regardless of my problems, just like I don't tell other people how to raise their kids, or who they should let watch their kids, I would expect the same courtesy. It is incredibly anxiety producing to take your kids somewhere and have other people trying to control how you tend to your children. No one from my family tells me how to raise my kids or criticizes me.

My entire life are my children. DH does very little to help me. He works nights so he only gets up with them 2 days a week. Then on his nights off he'll only put them to sleep one out of the two nights, so that leaves bedtime duty to me 6 nights a week. I do all baths, 99% of meals, I do all the food shopping, house cleaning and bill paying. I'm literally nonstop 18 hours a day and then if the kids get sick I'm up with them all night. I've gone beyond my breaking point...so I don't take to criticism very well at this point.

I say this with love. Get your own life! I'm serious. 2-3 years ago, I could have posted this. Depressed, anxiety, husband who refused to stand up for me. I had zero life of my own.

This will only get worse. See the therapist, help yourself & if the marriage turns around, great.

Mine did not. But frankly, that's been ok too. It sucked for awhile, I get lonely, but it is better than being with a man who doesn't respect me or treat me right.

Best wishes.