Marriage Issues

[jenrose66]

It seems like I have posted off and on about my marriage troubles for the past 7 or so years. And in those 7 years, nothing has changed, except the number of children we have.

My issue is that my DH is not supportive and he has a meddling family. So we are ok for a few months and then his family starts butting in about something petty, and then it causes me and DH to fight. It's a vicious circle and I'm really tired of dealing with it.

The latest issue comes courtesy of my SIL. She is dating a man that has a child. She decided that they had to throw this child a big elaborate party the day before DS's birthday. So my husband was working and I needed to get ready for DS's party that was the next day (for my side of the family only, since his family couldn't be expected to go to two parties in two days). SIL was informed that me and the kids wouldn't be going to the party.

So SIL decides to flip out. She calls DH and sends him texts for two days straight about what a bad mom I am and how disrespectful I am to their family. She just would not quit. So I decided to defend myself. I stated that an invitation is a request, not an obligation and that I didn't have to justify what I chose to do with my children, especially when my husband is working.

You can imagine this has started world war 3. I am in the wrong and showing bad taste for sticking up for myself. So this weekend we were supposed to host DH's side of the family for DS's birthday (even though it's a week late). After all the ridiculousness though, I cancelled the party. I refuse to entertain people in my home who are so awful to me. Also, I know how DH's family operates so I specifically told DH when we cancelled the party that it was not ok with me for him to simply go to his dad's house and have the party there without me. I feel like that's rewarding bad behavior, they all hate me and don't want to see me anyway, I think if they can't treat me with respect they don't deserve the company of my kids. Plus they badmouth me in front of the children and I don't want my kids hearing that.

DH is so far up his family's *** that he refuses to defend me. He just apologizes to his sister and then talks to his dad and his dad says that he's going to throw a party for DS at his house this weekend and DH says sure that's fine with him. So I try not to lose my temper, but I literally had a screaming match with DH over this today (which I'm not proud of)...because his family will never respect me if he doesn't stand up for me. He tells me in private that he understands me, but won't say it to his family.

I told him that he needs to deal with this situation because I'm sick and tired of the abuse I take from his family. I told him that if he doesn't start sticking up for me that I will drag him through the most expensive, acrimonious, divorce he can imagine....and I'm to the point where I'm truly feeling that way. I don't want my marriage to end, especially because the only real issue we have is the issue of his family.

I called today and signed us up for marriage counseling. We go for our fist session on Monday.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

I think it is a good idea about the marriage counseling and I especially think it was a good thing you stuck up for yourself! I think that counseling can help with matters between your husband and you.

 

[ilovemk76]

It seems like I have posted off and on about my marriage troubles for the past 7 or so years. And in those 7 years, nothing has changed, except the number of children we have.

My issue is that my DH is not supportive and he has a meddling family. So we are ok for a few months and then his family starts butting in about something petty, and then it causes me and DH to fight. It's a vicious circle and I'm really tired of dealing with it.

The latest issue comes courtesy of my SIL. She is dating a man that has a child. She decided that they had to throw this child a big elaborate party the day before DS's birthday. So my husband was working and I needed to get ready for DS's party that was the next day (for my side of the family only, since his family couldn't be expected to go to two parties in two days). SIL was informed that me and the kids wouldn't be going to the party.

So SIL decides to flip out. She calls DH and sends him texts for two days straight about what a bad mom I am and how disrespectful I am to their family. She just would not quit. So I decided to defend myself. I stated that an invitation is a request, not an obligation and that I didn't have to justify what I chose to do with my children, especially when my husband is working.

You can imagine this has started world war 3. I am in the wrong and showing bad taste for sticking up for myself. So this weekend we were supposed to host DH's side of the family for DS's birthday (even though it's a week late). After all the ridiculousness though, I cancelled the party. I refuse to entertain people in my home who are so awful to me. Also, I know how DH's family operates so I specifically told DH when we cancelled the party that it was not ok with me for him to simply go to his dad's house and have the party there without me. I feel like that's rewarding bad behavior, they all hate me and don't want to see me anyway, I think if they can't treat me with respect they don't deserve the company of my kids. Plus they badmouth me in front of the children and I don't want my kids hearing that.

DH is so far up his family's *** that he refuses to defend me. He just apologizes to his sister and then talks to his dad and his dad says that he's going to throw a party for DS at his house this weekend and DH says sure that's fine with him. So I try not to lose my temper, but I literally had a screaming match with DH over this today (which I'm not proud of)...because his family will never respect me if he doesn't stand up for me. He tells me in private that he understands me, but won't say it to his family.

I told him that he needs to deal with this situation because I'm sick and tired of the abuse I take from his family. I told him that if he doesn't start sticking up for me that I will drag him through the most expensive, acrimonious, divorce he can imagine....and I'm to the point where I'm truly feeling that way. I don't want my marriage to end, especially because the only real issue we have is the issue of his family.

I called today and signed us up for marriage counseling. We go for our fist session on Monday.

I hope marriage counseling works.

 

[Art 1]

Maybe you should have gone to the party. If it had been your family having a party the same day would you have gone?

 

[disykat]

Maybe you should have gone to the party. If it had been your family having a party the same day would you have gone?

Do you mean that if her family had refused to come to the party she was throwing and caused all sorts of stink about her not being at an event the day before the party she was throwing - would she have gone to a replacement party they threw? That's the only way to make those things "equal." It's doesn't seem to be about the fact that it's his family, she's upset about the way they are TREATING her.

 

[jenrose66]

Maybe you should have gone to the party. If it had been your family having a party the same day would you have gone?

DH agrees that I should not have gone to the party. It's very important to his family that everyone attends everything...and for a while I tried to play nice by going to a couple things even if DH was working, and it's like being thrown to the wolves. His sisters make snide comments about the way I parent, or about how I'm too anal/over protective, or about how I don't drink. They will ask me to just leave the kids for them to watch (sorry, never gonna happen, not with their idea of "supervision"). One time his sister got drunk and accused me of hating their dead mother (seriously, no one was even talking about their mother, this was completely unprovoked). After that DH said that there is no reason for me to attend anything he can't go to.

 

[Hannathy]

I would have dropped the kids off at the party, then went home and got ready for my party without having to deal with the kids. Seems ideal to me. Then went back to pick them up spent 20 minutes and left. Keeping everyone happy and getting what I had to do done.


After 30 yrs I have found there are hills to die on and others that aren't worth it.

Remember they are his kids to, you said he isn't taking your kids. If he wants to take his kids over he can.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

I would have dropped the kids off at the party, then went home and got ready for my party without having to deal with the kids. Seems ideal to me. Then went back to pick them up spent 20 minutes and left. Keeping everyone happy and getting what I had to do done.


After 30 yrs I have found there are hills to die on and others that aren't worth it.

Remember they are his kids to, you said he isn't taking your kids. If he wants to take his kids over he can.

I would agree with you but the OP says that his family badmouths her in front of the kids. If they cannot show civility to their mother then why should she have them see the kids and I bet it hurts the children to hear what their family has to say about their mother.

 

[marmalade]

How long have you known about the SIL party?

When did you establish the date for your DS party? Wasn't there any preparations you could have done earlier so you were able to attend SIL party?

However, I do agree with Hannathy with dropping the kids off and getting done what you needed to get done and picked them up later.

 

[jenrose66]

How long have you known about the SIL party?

When did you establish the date for your DS party? Wasn't there any preparations you could have done earlier so you were able to attend SIL party?

However, I do agree with Hannathy with dropping the kids off and getting done what you needed to get done and picked them up later.

We knew about the party for quite some time and I promptly gave my regrets. I was not going to drop my 3 kids off at a party where there was going to be drinking, poor supervision, and a busy road my kids could run into and get hit by a car.

I just think the whole thing is dumb in general. If my SIL or anyone from my side of the family can't make a party I genuinely don't care. I don't like being told where I'm expected to be...plus, SIL has been dating this guy for like 5 months, this little girl that she's throwing the party for has been to the house maybe 3 times and her birthday was weeks ago. So if anyone was showing poor taste it was SIL by throwing this party right before DS's actual 6th birthday. He's a little boy he's aware of the dates and he was anticipating his birthday party. I'm not going to re arrange my life and put my kids needs by the wayside to spend an afternoon surrounded by people with an obvious distaste for me.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I hope that marriage counseling works out for you. Sounds like an awful situation!

 

[marmalade]

We knew about the party for quite some time and I promptly gave my regrets. I was not going to drop my 3 kids off at a party where there was going to be drinking, poor supervision, and a busy road my kids could run into and get hit by a car.

I just think the whole thing is dumb in general. If my SIL or anyone from my side of the family can't make a party I genuinely don't care. I don't like being told where I'm expected to be...plus, SIL has been dating this guy for like 5 months, this little girl that she's throwing the party for has been to the house maybe 3 times and her birthday was weeks ago. So if anyone was showing poor taste it was SIL by throwing this party right before DS's actual 6th birthday. He's a little boy he's aware of the dates and he was anticipating his birthday party. I'm not going to re arrange my life and put my kids needs by the wayside to spend an afternoon surrounded by people with an obvious distaste for me.

So you won't allow your kids Aunts/Uncles/Grandparents to watch them? Do you think that might be some of the reason they have an obvious distaste for you (as you put it)?

 

[Help Please!]

Ignore the rude people.

Do I think that maybe you should have stopped by the little girl's party to "make nice?" Yes. However, I do understand getting to the point where others are disrespectful of you and it is not a good environment for your kids.

I commend you on setting up marriage counseling. I think it may be the only thing that will help you husband understand the situation. Remind him that you and he need to be strong together for YOUR children...they are the priority, not the rest of his family. Good luck!

 

[bdcp]

Maybe his family intrudes, but the issue is him and how he deals with them. Also, what sticks out to me is the divorce threat you made. That would benefit no one and reeks of revenge, which is never good for anyone. Go to counseling and good luck. I think you BOTH have things to work on.

 

[jenrose66]

So you won't allow your kids Aunts/Uncles/Grandparents to watch them? Do you think that might be some of the reason they have an obvious distaste for you (as you put it)?

No I won't. Not at a large gathering where the herd mentality takes over and everyone thinks that everyone else has an eye on the kids.

Have they watched the kids before. Sure they have. But I'm not leaving them there during a party.

 

[jenrose66]

Maybe his family intrudes, but the issue is him and how he deals with them. Also, what sticks out to me is the divorce threat you made. That would benefit no one and reeks of revenge, which is never good for anyone. Go to counseling and good luck. I think you BOTH have things to work on.

No doubt we both have things to work on. I have owned the fact that I'm over protective. I also suffer from depression and anxiety. Since April I have lost some weight and started working out and I hoped that would help my moods, but it hasn't, so maybe I need some pharmaceutical help, I'm willing to look into that.

But regardless of my problems, just like I don't tell other people how to raise their kids, or who they should let watch their kids, I would expect the same courtesy. It is incredibly anxiety producing to take your kids somewhere and have other people trying to control how you tend to your children. No one from my family tells me how to raise my kids or criticizes me.

My entire life are my children. DH does very little to help me. He works nights so he only gets up with them 2 days a week. Then on his nights off he'll only put them to sleep one out of the two nights, so that leaves bedtime duty to me 6 nights a week. I do all baths, 99% of meals, I do all the food shopping, house cleaning and bill paying. I'm literally nonstop 18 hours a day and then if the kids get sick I'm up with them all night. I've gone beyond my breaking point...so I don't take to criticism very well at this point.

 

[marmalade]

Ignore the rude people.

Do I think that maybe you should have stopped by the little girl's party to "make nice?" Yes. However, I do understand getting to the point where others are disrespectful of you and it is not a good environment for your kids.

I commend you on setting up marriage counseling. I think it may be the only thing that will help you husband understand the situation. Remind him that you and he need to be strong together for YOUR children...they are the priority, not the rest of his family. Good luck!

Re-reading my posts, I do come across as rude and that wasn't my intentions. But just from reading the OP's posts she seems like she has a lot of animosity towards her in-laws and the fact that her DH refuses to take her side makes me think there is a lot more to the story.

 

[pat fan]

I will admit I don't know all the back story of seven years, but I think, to keep peace, I would have gone to the SIL's party for a little bit and then left. Different families have different priorities for parties and such, and it sounds like your family and your in-laws look at them differently. My SIL thinks we're nuts to have kids parties and was thrilled when they moved 14 hours away so they could stop buying presents for b-days and such We still love her, but we think she's wacky on this, but it's just that we were all raised differently.

In a marriage, everyone has to bend, and sometimes it seems (and may be the actual case) that some have to bend more than others, but if you want your marriage to work, that may be what has to happen. Ideally, your DH will see you being willing to bend and he will stand a little straighter in your defense. I have had some awful times with my in-laws too, so I know how you feel, but to me family is super important and I have just had to decide that I have to do what I feel is right to keep in contact with family even if they can be snarky and appear to be from a different planet

Good luck with the counseling!

Adding: I just saw you posted about your anxiety. How bout if you take some moral support with you next time? Have a sister or your mom go with you with the excuse of "Is it ok if so&so comes with me? We had plans to go to XXX this afternoon, so we can't stay long but I wanted to come and support Little Joey on his b-day" Or in the case of the two parties that so &so was going to help you clean, or decorate or whatever. That way you won't feel alone and still keep them happy that you showed up

 

[jenrose66]

Re-reading my posts, I do come across as rude and that wasn't my intentions. But just from reading the OP's posts she seems like she has a lot of animosity towards her in-laws and the fact that her DH refuses to take her side makes me think there is a lot more to the story.

You are correct. There is a lot of animosity...and DH and I have a lot of unresolved issues surrounding his family.

When DH and I were married he worked for the family business. I had a good job with good benefits and a college degree and he worked for a pittance and was promised raises and then never received them.

After we had DS he was going to quit his job to be a SAHD. He was given a lot of problems about leaving the family business, they told him he was abandoning his duty to the family etc...So they promised him a raise and health insurance if he stayed.

So I resigned from my job to stay home while DH stayed at his job. Before I put in my notice I asked if everything was ok with our insurance etc...and DH said yes. Well, come to find out, his dad never got us the insurance...so now I have no job and an uninsured baby. I flipped out. His dad then told me that if I wanted an insured family I shouldn't have quit my job (which I wouldn't have done, but they promised DH insurance if he wouldn't leave). Anyway, as his dad berated me and called me lazy, DH said nothing. I've tried to let it go, but it still hurts.

Fast forward a year and he still didn't get the raise he was promised and we were starting to go into debt so I found another job. DH went down to working part time for the family during the morning and I worked evenings. It really grated on me that DH was still working for his family, they took such advantage of him and they filled his head with terrible things. Telling him he didn't have college and that he'd never find a job, etc...that really hurt me. So I convinced him to apply for a job where I was working and he got the job! He finally left the family business and while it was a happy day for me, it caused a rift.

DH is still at this job. He has excelled at it and gotten numerous promotions. When I unexpectedly got pregnant with DD he suggested that I quit because it was hard on the family to constantly work opposite shifts and we never spent time together...with the raises he got it is more than financially ok to have me home.

However, there is a lot of resentment over me "taking DH away" from their business...but I'm sorry, they did nothing but use him and he needed to do what was best for our family...and that was to either stay home (which he wasn't willing to do) or get a real job.

So there...all my dirty laundry You can probably see where that resentment comes from now.

 

[cm8]

It seems like I have posted off and on about my marriage troubles for the past 7 or so years. And in those 7 years, nothing has changed, except the number of children we have.

My issue is that my DH is not supportive and he has a meddling family. So we are ok for a few months and then his family starts butting in about something petty, and then it causes me and DH to fight. It's a vicious circle and I'm really tired of dealing with it.

The latest issue comes courtesy of my SIL. She is dating a man that has a child. She decided that they had to throw this child a big elaborate party the day before DS's birthday. So my husband was working and I needed to get ready for DS's party that was the next day (for my side of the family only, since his family couldn't be expected to go to two parties in two days). SIL was informed that me and the kids wouldn't be going to the party.

So SIL decides to flip out. She calls DH and sends him texts for two days straight about what a bad mom I am and how disrespectful I am to their family. She just would not quit. So I decided to defend myself. I stated that an invitation is a request, not an obligation and that I didn't have to justify what I chose to do with my children, especially when my husband is working.

You can imagine this has started world war 3. I am in the wrong and showing bad taste for sticking up for myself. So this weekend we were supposed to host DH's side of the family for DS's birthday (even though it's a week late). After all the ridiculousness though, I cancelled the party. I refuse to entertain people in my home who are so awful to me. Also, I know how DH's family operates so I specifically told DH when we cancelled the party that it was not ok with me for him to simply go to his dad's house and have the party there without me. I feel like that's rewarding bad behavior, they all hate me and don't want to see me anyway, I think if they can't treat me with respect they don't deserve the company of my kids. Plus they badmouth me in front of the children and I don't want my kids hearing that.

DH is so far up his family's *** that he refuses to defend me. He just apologizes to his sister and then talks to his dad and his dad says that he's going to throw a party for DS at his house this weekend and DH says sure that's fine with him. So I try not to lose my temper, but I literally had a screaming match with DH over this today (which I'm not proud of)...because his family will never respect me if he doesn't stand up for me. He tells me in private that he understands me, but won't say it to his family.

I told him that he needs to deal with this situation because I'm sick and tired of the abuse I take from his family. I told him that if he doesn't start sticking up for me that I will drag him through the most expensive, acrimonious, divorce he can imagine....and I'm to the point where I'm truly feeling that way. I don't want my marriage to end, especially because the only real issue we have is the issue of his family.

I called today and signed us up for marriage counseling. We go for our fist session on Monday.

I don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry but your husband isn't married to you, he's married to his family and you're the Mistress. It appears that you need to be the bigger mouth piece when it comes to his family getting all in your business. The moment my husband chose to side with his "family" instead of with me, bags would have been packed and papers drawn up for divorce I'm sorry to say this, but your DUH does not respect you, he only seems to care about making his FOO happy and you for the last SEVEN years have put up with it.

You have every right to not want your children around disrespectful individuals who bad mouth you in FRONT of YOUR CHILDREN. That would be a no go for me and they would have been CO long time ago. OP, please don't allow those people to teach your children that it is okay to disrespect their mother His FOO would be dead to me and my kids.

I'm glad that you took the first step by standing up for yourself and your children. They will thank you for it one day. I hope that the marriage counselor is able to help you both work through the issues you are faced with. It's not going to be easy and I can guarantee that you may get thrown under the bus multiple times by your DUH. The only person who has a right to throw your DS a party are you and your DUH. His family should take a hike. I'm so glad that you cancelled the party that would have taken place in your home. I would not allow anyone who disrespected me to step one foot in my home. I think you and your husband and children need a TO from his family during your counseling session if you're going to try to make this work.

Don't be afraid to find another counselor either if this one seems a bit "unicorn-ish" and not giving you the tools you need to take your life back. In order for any of it to work, it is going to require your husband to be on the same page as you. Be prepared to "drag him through the most expensive, acrimonious, divorce he can imagine" if this does not pan out. He has already shown you who he is now believe him. Stop taking calls form his FOO, stop allowing them to occupy your time and don't send your children anywhere with his FOO until they all have learned to respect you and the decisions you make for your household. No one gets a say but you and your DH. Talk with your DC and let them know that it is not okay for other people to disrespect you and that you don't want them in that environment.

Give your husband a deadline with putting them in their place and hold him to it. The minute he starts to stray, remind him of the consequences of his actions and all that he has to lose. No one deserves to have to deal with what you are going through and how you managed for 7 years is beyond me. Its time to put your BGPs on and show them who's boss. If your husband is not around, they should not be in your home. I would block their numbers, emails and avoid as much contact as I could. If you see them in public be cordial or ignore. Don't allow them to belittle you and take away any love you have for yourself. Show your husband you mean business. Don't take any drama from him either

If you have to walk away from this marriage to save yourself and your children, do it. It may hurt now but you will be glad you did. If his FOO corners you and demand an explanation don't JADE with them and don't allow them to manipulate and talk down to you. Remind them that you don't have to deal with them and that if they can't respect you, they will not be allowed around your children either. Expect the crazy to ramp up too!

Good luck and don't forget to take care of yourself, you deserve to be respected, put first, loved and protected by your husband

Legend
FOO- Family of origin
CO- cut off
TO-time out
BGPs- Big girl panties
JADE- Justify, Argue, Defend, explain