Marriage Issues

[Hrhpd]

I went to bed last night thinking about this thread. One thing that really stuck out to me is the OP's PPD and continuing depression and anxiety issues. I think that those issues lead her into being overprotective (her words) about her children and distrustful of her in-laws and (in part) her husband. She doesn't trust her inlaws to watch her kids at a birthday party because she feels that they exhibit poor supervision. In addition, she mentioned that her DH doesn't help with the kids because he says he can't handle 3 children. Many people with anxiety issues can have a hard time not being in control of what they think is their responsibility. It makes me wonder if the abilities of the DH and the inlaws are really so poor or if the OP believes them to be insufficient due to her mental illness. I do understand that to the OP, it is all one in the same.

I believe that her depression and anxiety is working against her with her DH and in-laws. Reasonable requests and actions from the OP become colored by the prior unreasonable ones generated by the illness. In addition, it can be draining to love someone with mental illness and I think that there is some residual dislike on the in-laws side from the OP's DH turning to them during her PPD. Everyone needs someone to talk to when they are going through something so emotional and those confidants can form a very negative opinion of the spouse. She may have become "crazy JenRose" to them and it's hard to shake that kind of label.

I feel for the OP. I really do. She seems to be drowning and feels that her DH won't throw her a line. I do think that she believes everything she has written and perception is reality. I just think that both perception and reality may change for the better once she gets her mental illness under better control. I would strongly recommend that she seek more treatment before she draws a line in the sand in her marriage. {{hugs}}

Excellent post. Bears repeating.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

OP, first a You are in a stressful life stage as it is and have a lot of other stressors going on as well. You really need to get some help.

Liked these posts the best.

I do think the one error you made was canceling your DS's party to spite your in-laws. That party was for your son, not you, so I can see why they'd want to give him one. You're really only punishing him. There are obviously some major issues with DH's family, but using your son as a pawn really isn't acceptable. I know it was done in anger and frustration but is it possible to keep the peace for a couple of hours for your son's sake? Look at it this way, if you cancel the party (even if it is just your inlaws) and don't allow him to have one at his grandparents' house, you end up being the bad guy. If you cancel his party and let him go to one at his grandparents' house and you don't attend, you end up being the bad guy. If you continue with the party, you come off as the bigger person.

Agree. My very first thought after reading the OP was that I felt sorry for your DS.

If you think divorce would mean your issues would stop, you are in for a surprise. Yes, you would have court-appointed time for yourself, however remember that your husband would likely have his family watching the children when he has visitation and you couldn't stop him unless there is a court order barring them from unsupervised time with the children. There is less control concerning the whereabouts of our children when parents are divorced. Right now having time to yourself might seem tempting, however when faced with it you may feel differently. My youngest is 12yo and that has been one of the hardest things about my divorce (and my divorce didn't happen until he was 10).

And that's just the tip of the divorce iceberg....it really is one of the most stressful events to occur in ones life.

Not to say that divorce isn't sometimes the answer. But it's not something to be taken lightly. Second marriages may be less perfect than firsts if underlying problmes aren't addressed. Many, in retrospect, say they wished they worked harder on their first marriage. Stop threatening your DH with divorce!

I went to bed last night thinking about this thread. One thing that really stuck out to me is the OP's PPD and continuing depression and anxiety issues. I think that those issues lead her into being overprotective (her words) about her children and distrustful of her in-laws and (in part) her husband. She doesn't trust her inlaws to watch her kids at a birthday party because she feels that they exhibit poor supervision. In addition, she mentioned that her DH doesn't help with the kids because he says he can't handle 3 children. Many people with anxiety issues can have a hard time not being in control of what they think is their responsibility. It makes me wonder if the abilities of the DH and the inlaws are really so poor or if the OP believes them to be insufficient due to her mental illness. I do understand that to the OP, it is all one in the same.

I believe that her depression and anxiety is working against her with her DH and in-laws. Reasonable requests and actions from the OP become colored by the prior unreasonable ones generated by the illness. In addition, it can be draining to love someone with mental illness and I think that there is some residual dislike on the in-laws side from the OP's DH turning to them during her PPD. Everyone needs someone to talk to when they are going through something so emotional and those confidants can form a very negative opinion of the spouse. She may have become "crazy JenRose" to them and it's hard to shake that kind of label.

I feel for the OP. I really do. She seems to be drowning and feels that her DH won't throw her a line. I do think that she believes everything she has written and perception is reality. I just think that both perception and reality may change for the better once she gets her mental illness under better control. I would strongly recommend that she seek more treatment before she draws a line in the sand in her marriage. {{hugs}}

Well said.

I feel for you, as I have been in your exact situation with my DH and his family, right down to the alcohol abuse and DH not sticking up for me. We started marriage counseling and that's where we learned about codependency and how it screws up families. I learned that DH was incapable of standing up to his family for me and their dysfunction prohibited him from seeing how he kept putting them first.

Your DH sounds so much like how mine used to be. Through our marriage and individual counseling, he learned how to manage his family and put our kids and me first. I learned how to be patient with him and to not expect him to do things he doesn't have the tools to do. He has worked really hard to learn to deal with his family in a healthy way. I have stopped viewing his family as me versus them. Like many other PP, I strongly recommend counseling for you both, individual and marriage.

Agree that counseling can help put things in perspective and help bring about positive changes in a relationship and family.

I see a lot of red flags and similarities with some of my family's dynamics.

I have a SIL that sounds similar to the OP. slightly different circumstances, but same red flags. My SIL has threatened my DB with an ugly divorce and has basically tried to cut him off from his entire family. She also has a history of depression, anxiety and OCD. (maybe more) She has also threatened to keep HUD family away from their DD. My DB is also very passive and in my opinion just wants to keep the peace at home and gives in to all her demands. YET to hear her speak.... You would hear a tale of how my DB family doesn't respect her or treats her the way she thinks she deserves. She honestly thinks every little thing my family does is done to slight her. It is very hard to deal with on our end because NONE of us intentionally try to slight her. It is her perception and I believe her illnesses that make her behave this way. My DB is also the primary caregiver of their DD (she works nights) yet to hear her talk, he does nothing... I am also the biggest witch alive... My other DB's are a "bad influence" and my DM favors the other grandchildren more... DSIL actually tries to control all holidays and when things are not done as she wishes.... Yikes!

I'm not saying what the OP is saying isn't true. I'm saying there are two sides to a story usually and I agree with the idea if counseling. Just be open to the idea it may not be just HIS issues that need to be dealt with.

Yes.

IMO the old adage applies here: You can't force other people to change, you can only change yourself. It seems you're spending a lot of energy on making your husband do things or be a certain way (notice I bolded the word "incapable" in brookmey's post), and wanting his family to treat you a certain way, etc. You've also done things that may have well contributed to the stress your family is now feeling, too, yet seem to not see that. This needs to be looked at objectively. It's not all him and his family! You have to understand and accept that you have played a part as well (as you are still doing with this whole birthday thing). Until you do, and you can all sit down and figure this out level-headedly, you are headed in a bad direction.

** Please understand that I post this with as much love and understanding as I can muster. As you can see from all these posts here, many of us have lived through these types of things and bring those experiences here with us when we post. It's not that one person's right and the other's wrong, it's just that everyone has a little bit different experience and perspective. But the bottom line is that you should take a little bit from what everyone is posted and think long and hard about what it is you need to do to get healthy and try to get your family to a better place. Enlist the help of your DH in a caring way. When you're not angry (or at least if you can find a time when you're least angry ), sit down together and tell him your family is broken and you want desperately to try to fix it. Have a good cry together. And then act. I'm sure he wants to fix this situation as much as you do. You are both just really stuck with how to go about that. As I said at the beginning, it's not an easy place to work on this stuff with three little kids, either (when just getting through the day is hard enough). I do wish you well!

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP--I think you have gotten a lot of great advice on this thread and I 100% agree that you desperately need therapy to get your depression taken care of--find someone to take care of the kids if your husband will not--and if he is just handing them right back over, that is still letting you go. If you dote on your kids the way you say you do they may really miss you when you are gone and make it hard for him to be alone with them.


A few thoughts I had while reading your OP that I have not seen addresses or have only seen briefly mentioned:

First--I get the feeling that you do not like your SIL's boyfriend and that part of your refusal to go to the party was linked to that. Regardless, I think your attitude towards the little girl (you seem angry that your SIL is throwing a party for this CHILD) is petty and mean spirited.

Second--I am curious if you had already let your husband's family know that you had planned your son's party for that weekend, or were you just assuming that everyone would assume there would be a party that weekend? Lots of people throw parties not on the date or even closest weekend so I think if you had not already invited people for that date you should not take the timing of the other party as a slight.

Third--I agree with others that my overwhelming take away from your OP was that it was inconsiderate of your son to cancel his party with his grandparents because you were mad at them. Please quit using your children as pawns in any of this stuff.


Beyond that, I agree with many that it sounds like there are issues with your DH and you in laws but also issues related to your depression. I think working on yourself first and then on your marriage jointly is something you really need to do.

 

[disykat]

A great point about the other side of the story.

Definitely two sides to every story. However, thinking that there might be another side isn't a reason to ignore all the stuff OP said.

Ultimately, families of origin, while important, shouldn't be the driving force within someone's marriage. It really doesn't matter whether the family is good, bad, or indifferent. If they have too much "space" in someone's marriage, it's a bad thing.

In OP's marriage, her DH is the "other side." Her inlaws don't get to have a side.

 

[clutter]

I get the depression and anxiety thing and having been there I think your perceptions are skewed. My ex-H is from a family that seems similar to your inlaws. You take things as slights, as did I, when in reality they aren't thinking of you at all. They aren't slighting you, you aren't even entering their radar. They just don't think that way. Which is why they don't understand why you feel slighted.


Yes, his family IS dysfunctional. But you also need to take care of you. Having you kids be your "entire life" isn't heathy either. Being a well balanced person is important so you can be a good mom, good partner, good friend, etc etc.

We believe that my father has suffered from depression most of his life. One of the things that I remember most about my teen years was how he simultaneously believed that 1) he was the littlest, most unimportant speck on the planet and 2) that the entire world revolved around him and his misery. So, I think this PP's first point is very relevant.

The second point is also very relevant. You cannot have your kids be your entire life. You have to learn to trust others a bit so you can get out. Put your kids in a moms day out to go do something not family related. (NOT errands, but maybe lunch with an old friend!) The 'entire life' thing could also reinforce the 'world revolves around me.' Now I'm not saying that your in-laws are not disfunctional and toxic. Clearly your MIL and SIL are, although you seem to think that some are more reasonable. But your anxiety and depression are robbing you of the life skills that you probably have in order to deal with them more effectively.

It sounds like both of you are stuck in the house all day. You with the kids, him at work. When do either of you get out and actually see people other than your families? You need to do that. We're dealing with my dad again, and that is his number one issue. He is alone in his house all day to dwell on all his miseries, and that can get him worked up. Just getting him away from being so self-absorbed makes such a world of difference in his attitude.

 

[Mkrop]

I would suggest:

1. An appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss changes to help your mood and anxiety. Given your stressful life, I wouldn't simply take meds, but would include yoga and/or meditation.

2. Individual counseling for you to help you sort things out and deal with the above issues.

3. Al-Anon for you and possibly your husband. It helps a person learn how to set boundaries with dysfunctional people, whether alcohol is involved or not.

4. Marriage counseling.


I would stop the threats of divorce. Either you want to work on your marriage or you don't, but the threats undermine the relationship and will negate anything you are working on in marriage counseling.

As far as Al-Anon, I was raised in a non-drinking household, but there were some dysfunctional ways of dealing with issues. Al-Anon helps learn healthier ways of handling ourselves and creating boundaries.

If you think divorce would mean your issues would stop, you are in for a surprise. Yes, you would have court-appointed time for yourself, however remember that your husband would likely have his family watching the children when he has visitation and you couldn't stop him unless there is a court order barring them from unsupervised time with the children. There is less control concerning the whereabouts of our children when parents are divorced. Right now having time to yourself might seem tempting, however when faced with it you may feel differently. My youngest is 12yo and that has been one of the hardest things about my divorce (and my divorce didn't happen until he was 10).

And that's just the tip of the divorce iceberg....it really is one of the most stressful events to occur in ones life. At least it was for me. Having said that, I should have done a lot of things differently, however the actual divorce wouldn't be one of them.

You are the only person who is responsible for your happiness. It isn't to say that you aren't dealing with a lot of stressful events and circumstances, but if you are expecting to have your husband, children, job, yada yada yada, make you happy, it is not likely to occur. In the last 5 years I have dealt with my own severe depression and anxiety, self-medicating with alcohol and pills, realizing I was gay, coming out of the closet (and it was a very large, walk-in closet ),12-step recovery program, marriage ending, and a total lifestyle change. Through it all, I would joke to others that I was the happiest depressed person they could ever meet. Not sure how I survived it all, but I did have to tell myself that I could get through anything for a 24 hour period and that things would get better. Everything passes, the good and the bad.

This is my thought as well, it seems to be me that the OP thinks if I divorce him, the DH and his family will just go away. Instead, he will be with them, and if he is overwhelmed with taking care of them now, then guess who he will run to for help, yep his family

I see a lot of red flags and similarities with some of my family's dynamics.

I have a SIL that sounds similar to the OP. slightly different circumstances, but same red flags. My SIL has threatened my DB with an ugly divorce and has basically tried to cut him off from his entire family. She also has a history of depression, anxiety and OCD. (maybe more) She has also threatened to keep HUD family away from their DD. My DB is also very passive and in my opinion just wants to keep the peace at home and gives in to all her demands. YET to hear her speak.... You would hear a tale of how my DB family doesn't respect her or treats her the way she thinks she deserves. She honestly thinks every little thing my family does is done to slight her. It is very hard to deal with on our end because NONE of us intentionally try to slight her. It is her perception and I believe her illnesses that make her behave this way. My DB is also the primary caregiver of their DD (she works nights) yet to hear her talk, he does nothing... I am also the biggest witch alive... My other DB's are a "bad influence" and my DM favors the other grandchildren more... DSIL actually tries to control all holidays and when things are not done as she wishes.... Yikes!

I'm not saying what the OP is saying isn't true. I'm saying there are two sides to a story usually and I agree with the idea if counseling. Just be open to the idea it may not be just HIS issues that need to be dealt with.

Yep definitely another side to the story, just bc you think one way doesnt meant they see it that way. My SIL probably says that we are the meanest people in the world. She wont speak to any of us, except I doubt much of what she is telling people is accurate. How do I know, well when she was still talking to me, she would take things my MIL did that were pretty innocuous and blow them totally out of proportion.

She has gotten her way though, we do not see my BIL or my niece at all.

This is actually a really really great post. Far better than my middle of the night attempt.

Divorce is not a panacea. It will open up TONS of issues you have yet to even realize. You don't like them with his family now? What happens when it's his weekend and he leaves them overnight at his sister's or his parents and has a date? You get NO SAY. None.
I get the depression and anxiety thing and having been there I think your perceptions are skewed. My ex-H is from a family that seems similar to your inlaws. You take things as slights, as did I, when in reality they aren't thinking of you at all. They aren't slighting you, you aren't even entering their radar. They just don't think that way. Which is why they don't understand why you feel slighted.

I admit I don't understand why you didn't go to the party. The fact that your DS's party was the next day was a lame excuse. I totally get WHY you didn't want to go but that's different.
Yes, his family IS dysfunctional. But you also need to take care of you. Having you kids be your "entire life" isn't heathy either. Being a well balanced person is important so you can be a good mom, good partner, good friend, etc etc.

Sitting down with a therapist is a great start. Frankly I think you need 3...yours, his and marriage. But starting with one is a HUGE start and will help. This isn't going to magically fix itself. It's going to take both you and your DH to work hard and both want to fix it.

As for my divorce...my ex-H had a lot of other issues. He has zero coping skills when things get rough. He makes really bad choices, drinking (to excess - I'm ok with drinking, even in front of kids,) gambling (including taking on debt to gamble with,) affairs to make himself feel better when he is stressed. However, I am not 100% blameless. Had I fixed my issues, gotten my own life, etc etc. I think we would have been in a better place to fix OUR issues. It was easy for him to blame all our problems on ME to justify his bad behavior. 18 months later, I'm the one in the FAR better place because I've learned to fix my issues. He is still unhappy, in debt and on the fast track to a DUI. And I'm going to be ok.

Once again someone mentioning that divorce is not going to solve some of your problems, it make create bigger ones.

I also dont know what the big deal was about going to a party the day before your party. If you had noticed than that means you need to get your act together sooner. I also get that maybe you didnt want to be there but the excuse of the party was lame. If it was your BF's wedding or someone's funeral the day before, would you have not gone to that bc of a 6 year olds party.


OP I think you need to work on you, and tough toenails if your DH has issues watching the kids, that is too darn bad, and I would not care one iota. They are his too, stop spoiling him. Have him do baths on his nights off etc. You are allowing him not to do stuff.

 

[SaraJayne]

Definitely two sides to every story. However, thinking that there might be another side isn't a reason to ignore all the stuff OP said.

Ultimately, families of origin, while important, shouldn't be the driving force within someone's marriage. It really doesn't matter whether the family is good, bad, or indifferent. If they have too much "space" in someone's marriage, it's a bad thing.

In OP's marriage, her DH is the "other side." Her inlaws don't get to have a side.

I'm not ignoring what she said at all. But it's colored from her perspective.

She needs help, by her own admission.

Whether some like it or not, each of the respective families (unless a spouse is an orphan) do take up space in the marriage. The key is finding a balance that works for both spouses. OP and her DH have not found that balance, yet.

Counseling for both of them is a great first step. The second step should be a drs appt for the OP to get her other issues addressed.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Well, everything is always colored from our perspective. A good therapist is going to know this and can read between the lines and figure out what's really going on. Years ago I went to a therapist who totally believed everything out of my mouth about my (then) husband. It wasn't that I was lying, however it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that it was my viewpoints I was discussing. It got to the point that I was defending him each session. I could have gotten that kind of worthless support from a friend for free. My next therapist was not that way at all.....she was great and seeing my side and explaining why my husband was reacting the way he was reacting and helping me to see his side of things. She would call me on my crap when I dished it out, but always in a loving and caring way. I grew incredibly with her and still sometimes think about what she would say before I react to a current situation with him (now my ex). That's the sign of a good therapist.

 

[DVCJones]

Nope, I have no problem talking to my in laws...that's why they hate me, because I speak my mind. They also don't like me because they feel like I made DH abandon his family because he left the family business...sorry, they did that to themselves by not paying him a fair wage and keeping good on the promises they made to him.

However, I've taken what I read here to heart. I will not put the party back on at my house. I'm just done for now...to me these people are toxic...however, I will call truce with DH about taking the kids to his dads this weekend...we can hash out the hurt feelings in counseling on Monday.

Also, I gladly accept help. I don't care how the beds are made, how the dishwasher is loaded or how the towels are folded...I do not nitpick.

I do have a problem with other people watching my kids, but I'm working on that. My inlaws have watched the kids, many times. My SIL used to spend a lot of time with the kids alone up until about 5 months ago...she started dating this new guy and her priorities changed...which is fine.

I don't think there is a problem with speaking your mind. I think communication is important in families. But how you communicate is very important. Just the term, 'speak my mind' is sort of has a negative feeling. It seems a little hostile. My SIL likes to speak her mind too. It usually includes a lot of yelling, swearing (with my children in the room) blaming and then she becomes the victim.

The whole job thing seems to have happened a while ago. Maybe just maybe it doesn't bother them as much as you think. I know my SIL still brings up every perceived injustice that as ever happened to her. Even as far back to when we were 6!!! Sometimes you need to let things go for the betterment of the entire family.

Please know I am not saying that this is the case for you. Just trying to look at it from another side. Some people are really close with their sibling. Even as adults. It is a sign of strong family values. My SIL has always been threatened by this. She is an only child and just doesn't get it.

We all try to be sympathetic to her illness ( even though she stopped her meds). But we don't feed into it by jumping through hoops just to please her and let her run the show either. We each plan family events, if it doesn't work into her schedule or to her wants... She doesn't have to come. She is always invited and welcomed and treated well. Example... One year she decided that because they were low on funds, she thought no one should exchange gifts that year. The rest of the family didn't agree. We agreed that they should not buy gifts that year, but the rest of us exchanged. We also bought a small gift for her DD who was 11 at the time so she wouldn't feel left out. ....Well she took a nutty!!!

I totally agree on being careful with who you leave your children with. I have several family members that I wouldn't leave my dog with. I don't think you can be too careful in that area. Even if they are family.

Good luck with counseling. It is a good step on the right direction.

 

[packofjedis]

DH agrees that I should not have gone to the party. It's very important to his family that everyone attends everything...and for a while I tried to play nice by going to a couple things even if DH was working, and it's like being thrown to the wolves. His sisters make snide comments about the way I parent, or about how I'm too anal/over protective, or about how I don't drink. They will ask me to just leave the kids for them to watch (sorry, never gonna happen, not with their idea of "supervision"). One time his sister got drunk and accused me of hating their dead mother (seriously, no one was even talking about their mother, this was completely unprovoked). After that DH said that there is no reason for me to attend anything he can't go to.

This sounds EXACTLY like my in-laws and it is one reason that we enjoy living 4 states away from all of them!

Good luck to you. Hold your ground.