Marriage Advice

[vivilasvegas]

Hmm, I really don't understand some of these responses. Sometimes, you find out that this person isn't what you thought. Or you realize that in fact, you aren't in love with them. You may love them and care about them, but aren't in love with them.

OP is married but with no kids, some posts are telling her if she leaves him, she may be alone forever....what??? so, even if you will probably grow to resent and even hate this person with time (because if you already don't love him, but stick it out because...) it's better than being alone??

Sometimes things don't work out. I've had friends that ended long-term relationships for exactly your reasons. Yes, some of them are "alone" right now, but they are happier than they've ever been.

Staying with someone because of the fear of being alone is not a good thing.

 

[SC Minnie]

Are you going to counseling by yourself or only as a couple. It sounds like you need to go to one alone to find out what YOU really want.

In one of your first posts you said you were going to couseling but didn't have faith that it would help. If your husband is a 'great guy' maybe you need to work on you (that is not intended as mean). If you don't know if you want to stay in the marriage or of you ever loved him you need really to find out why you married him. That is something only you can do.

DH and I have been together for 15 years. Have they all been good, no. Have felt like I didn't love him anymore, probably. Did I act on it, no. I asked myself the old Ann Landers(I think) question ' Would I be better off with him or without him'. That is a question only you can answer and you have to be prepared for all of the consequences of that answer.

Good luck on what ever you decide.

 

[DisneyLovingMama]

Have you read the Divorce-Busting Book? Someone from the DIS recommended it to me. I never actually got to read the book, but did read excerpts and spent a good deal of time on the author's website. It seems like it might be relevant to you and the situation you're in. Or, you can buy it for your DH to help him better understand your thoughts and feelings.

Good luckQ!

 

[Guest17]

alliecats- No there is no one else. Maybe the thought of someone else or a different relationship.

We are in couples counseling although we are meeting the doctor seperately this week. I am sorry, but I still don't agree with those of you who think what I said to DH was unnecessary. Dh needs to know where I am coming from. Not being in love any more is completely different than not ever being in love with him. It's not fair to lead him on.

No, I have not made up my mind, but I obviously have an inclination of how I feel or we wouldn't be here.

I am really happy for all of you that have had marriages work out so perfectly. I am trying counseling and DH and I are still communicating honestly.

The doctor made me think about something the other day. He said maybe if I wasn't in love with him when we got married and it was all circumstantial, but what If I am in love with him now or was somewhere along the way. I am trying very hard to keep my head clear and sort out my feelings so that I don't make a hasty decision. I am fully aware that I have hurt Dh, but I don't agree with those of you who think he will never get over what I said to him and that we can't move on.

 

[kdibattista]

For those of you who feel my Dh deserves better and I must not love him since I was being honest, I can only hope that you realize what holding things back in a relationship can do.

There is a big difference between being honest and being tactful to spare someone's feelings. If you best friend is fat, do you feel the need to tell her that or do you spare her feelings and put it a little more delicately, if at all.

 

[vettechick99]

Ok, ok. Maybe what she said to her DH was harsh, but it was the truth and I'm glad she didn't tap dance around the issue. Unfortunately, it might have caused some damage she can never repair, but she has to live with that. Let's move on.

I think I can most relate to the OP because I was married to my high school sweetheart and later divorced him. We started dating at 17 and married at 21 because it was the right next step. Unforunately, I never got to enjoy being single or spending time with my friends (a choice I made) so when I got older, I really felt like I hadn't experienced life. I also looked at the marriage choice I made and realized I married him because I loved him, he was my best friend and I was safe with him, but there were some major/can't-live-without components that were missing. Maybe the OP is feeling similarly.

My advice is to seek counseling, alone and together. Do it immediately and work at the marriage before you throw it away. I could have very easily stayed in my marriage, but I never would have met my current DH and we are more suited for each other. So sometimes the grass is greener on the other side. You should not, however, let that be the reason you leave your DH.

Give your marriage a fighting chance before you give it up. Good luck and PM me if you want to talk.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Well, you know, there has been a lot of good thoughts here!

However, we actually know VERY little about the OP, her husband, or their situation. I really do not see how anyone here on the DIS, at this point, could be able to say 'stay together', or 'leave now'.

I can see that the OP is bothered, and has become very defensive, about those who say "You should not have been so honest", and "You should stand by your DH, you did marry him, after all." While, on the other end of the spectrum, the OP has seemed to accept those who say that it might be the right thing to leave, if you really do not want to stay married."

This speaks volumes to me. I agree that it sounds like the OP may really not feel like she is in-love-with and commited to, her husband. (not just the romance wearing off....)

To the OP: What do you feel you are 'missing'? Without being specific, could you indicate, in general, what types of things are 'driving you crazy'?

I think the answers to the first question may be the most important. And, the second question is a good one too.

I hope that you come to the best conclusion possible for you and your DH!

 

[2sweetangels]

I wish I had advice to give you, but Im in the same boat kinda as you. DH and I fight everday and I also have told him that i am not in love with him. I don't think i am happy with DH. We fight so much and our fights get violent. I need advice myself, LOL

 

[Guest17]

Wishing on a star- First of all thank you. I don't want this thread to turn into I am only listening to what I want to hear. I am listening to all sides, I just think that some people are very quick to judge me and jump all over me.

To the OP: What do you feel you are 'missing'? Without being specific, could you indicate, in general, what types of things are 'driving you crazy'?

Those little things aren't a big deal to me. I know they are fixable and he is currently working on things he feels he needs to work on. I know that these are little things and I know while they may bug me, he's not perfect and I am not either.

I am trying to figure this out and need different perspectives. What makes me feel awful is those who (whether intentional or not) that make me feel like my feelings are invalid or I that I am purposefully hurting DH.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think most of us realize that you are confused, or even hurting, and that you are not doing this to hurt your DH.

You have been very good to not say anything really negative about him, and called him a great guy and your best friend.

I really would be interested to know why you feel you do not love him, and what you feel is missing?

 

[Guest17]

I think most of us realize that you are confused, or even hurting, and that you are not doing this to hurt your DH.

You have been very good to not say anything really negative about him, and called him a great guy and your best friend.

I really would be interested to know why you feel you do not love him, and what you feel is missing?

It's really hard to put into words. I just don't have that feeling. We were talking about having a baby this year and I just started to evaluate the whole situation. I mean I really think he would make a great father, but I don't think he is the kind of man I picutured to spend my life with. I just don't have "that" feeling and looking back, I never did. I was never excited about our wedding. He is always fun to hang out with, but I am not sure if it's more than that. I think I always knew I loved him and enjoyed being with him, so I didn't give it much more thought. I am not giving up on this and truly want to discover what is to come of us. If I am wrong, I will work on my marriage, hard. But if I am right, I want to have a healthy relationship with DH and I want him to be happy.

 

[Buckalew11]

I guess we're coming from the other angle. If DH had told me that he never loved me, and we had worked it out, I would probably always wonder if he was really loving me now or if he was still trying to but it really was all pretend. I think that is where people are coming from.
FWIW, in working my relationship with DH out, I never doubted my love for him and that may be what helped us work it out. I gave my engagement ring back twice. It was a truly hard time in my life and our relationship. I don't envy you and what you are going through. I wish you much luck instead!

 

[mickeyfan2]

If you work out your marriage or decide to divorce I hope that both of you are happy in the end.

 

[disykat]

I am really happy for all of you that have had marriages work out so perfectly. I am trying counseling and DH and I are still communicating honestly.

.

I think you're missing the point. The point people are trying to make is that NO marriage is perfect. Seriously, I believe people are not telling the truth if they say they NEVER wonder what on earth they were thinking. It doesn't mean they don't love their spouse,

Sometimes I don't like myself. Sometimes I don't like my dh. Sometimes my dh doesn't like me. We weather those times by remembering better times in the past and envisioning better times in the future. Not having loving feelings at the moment doesn't negate feelings you've had in the past and doesn't mean you won't ever have them again.

It sounds to me like you did love your spouse. IMO, maybe you think you married him for the wrong reasons - but that doesn't mean you never loved him. I think it would be a good exercise to step out of the moment and evaluate what kind of things you loved about him - obviously there was/is something or you wouldn't have married him.

Divorce Busting is a great book - I think the author is Michelle Davis Werner.

 

[Disney Doll]

alliecats- No there is no one else. Maybe the thought of someone else or a different relationship.

We are in couples counseling although we are meeting the doctor seperately this week. I am sorry, but I still don't agree with those of you who think what I said to DH was unnecessary. Dh needs to know where I am coming from. Not being in love any more is completely different than not ever being in love with him. It's not fair to lead him on.

No, I have not made up my mind, but I obviously have an inclination of how I feel or we wouldn't be here.

I am really happy for all of you that have had marriages work out so perfectly. I am trying counseling and DH and I are still communicating honestly.

The doctor made me think about something the other day. He said maybe if I wasn't in love with him when we got married and it was all circumstantial, but what If I am in love with him now or was somewhere along the way. I am trying very hard to keep my head clear and sort out my feelings so that I don't make a hasty decision. I am fully aware that I have hurt Dh, but I don't agree with those of you who think he will never get over what I said to him and that we can't move on.

You know, if you don't want to hear the answers, then don't ask the question.

If you thought that everyone here was going to say "Well, good for you! You have determined that you don't love and don't think you ever loved your husband after two years of marriage, and you so graciously and kindly told him so under the guise of being honest and we all think that's swell" then you came to the wrong place.

I'm starting to agree with the poster who advised you to get going and leave. Let this "great guy" find someone who'll appreciate what a great guy he is, and you can continue on your quest to "find yourself". Wait for a few more years of maturity to marry though. OK...like maybe when you have the independence to be able to say to the next guy's meddling parents "Sorry, but I won't be manipulated into doing something that I don't want to do". Then if that one fails, you can blame yourself, and not the guy and his annoying habits, his parents, and everything else under the sun except where the problem really lies.

 

[Disney Doll]

Wishing on a star- First of all thank you. I don't want this thread to turn into I am only listening to what I want to hear. I am listening to all sides, I just think that some people are very quick to judge me and jump all over me.

To the OP: What do you feel you are 'missing'? Without being specific, could you indicate, in general, what types of things are 'driving you crazy'?

Those little things aren't a big deal to me. I know they are fixable and he is currently working on things he feels he needs to work on. I know that these are little things and I know while they may bug me, he's not perfect and I am not either.

I am trying to figure this out and need different perspectives. What makes me feel awful is those who (whether intentional or not) that make me feel like my feelings are invalid or I that I am purposefully hurting DH.

Reread your posts dear, and look at whose opinions you gave validity to and whose you didn't.

Marriage isn't easy. It never has been and it never will be. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage or a perfect partner. It requires a lot of patience, kindness and maturity. It also requires a sense of commitment. What it doesn't require is one partner saying hurtful things to the other, and then making same partner jump through hoops tp change the "annoying" habits, so you can be happy.

If my hubby told me he didn't love me now and maybe never did, the last thing I'd be doing would be doing anything to try and change for him, please him or anything else.

I'd have told him to take a hike.

 

[U2_rocks]

Many, many times I have wondered whether I should have married DH. Most of our relationship was long distance too, and we were married when I was 22, as soon as I graduated from college. I had no time to be an independent young woman making her way in the world - I was a wife right away. Yes, I missed out on a lot, and that was very tough on me. But that was years ago, and DH and I have been married for 15 years now! Not always happily, but we have grown apart and back together, and we're OK now. Relationships develop over time, and even if you think you may not have been in love when you married him (I wonder if I was too), you can actually fall in love over time! Lots of people do!

I, too, have dreamed of what my perfect hubby should be like, and it's nothing like who I've got! But there's no such thing as a perfect man, and my DH has some qualities that are very, very important in a good husband and father. And he genuinely loves me - if I ever had a serious medical problem, a death that rocked my world, a crisis etc., he'd be there, totally. We have issues in that we've grown into different people, and we don't always understand each other, we don't share a lot of the same interests, and he's not around enough (he works long hours and travels). But we are trying, inbetween caring for 3 little kids! Overall, we are better off together than apart. We just need to keep finding ways to support each other and make each other feel that being in the relationship is a GOOD thing.

I can't tell you what to do - only you can figure that out. I'm just seconding what a lot of others have said - it is very common to feel like you're not "in love", and even feel like you never were (and often you really weren't). But love isn't omething you just "fall into" - it's something you build over time (at least, TRUE love is). You may not have ever been in love with him, but you CAN learn to love him enough to make you both happy. It depends on how seriously you took your vows, and how much he means to you. If you divorce him, you will lose a dear friend. Not saying that divorcing in this situation is bad - I can't make that judgement. Just be aware of all the things to think about before you take that final step.

 

[Guest17]

You know, if you don't want to hear the answers, then don't ask the question.

I never said I didn't want to hear the answers. I believe in another post I said I appreciate everyone's input and different views on the situation. I have not once complained about being "flamed". I am just trying to explain my situation and how I am feeling. Yes, some of these posts have hurt my feelings and maybe I don't agree with them, but I do think that many of you are being unneccessarily hostile. I haven't gotten mad, or excited or anything. Just having a conversation.

 

[debbiedoo]

What you are going through right now is difficult.

You apparantly have searched within yourself to even tell your DH how you feel.

Whatever you decide--- good luck.

you are welcome to PM me if you would like to talk

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, I am sorry that some other posters here have been so brutally 'honest' and are actually doing, themselves, what they so abhor that they accuse you of doing to your husband.

I have no idea why people have to show such hostility. Even though I may see a few valid thoughts, there is no excuse for not tempering their words...

As far as your situation, I am still quite confused myself. I am beginning to think that you may truly have never had that 'connection', or been truly 'in love'. You seem to be saying that over and over.

That being said. Let's assume that you did make a mistake. That you thought you were going the right direction, and taking the next necessary step, when you were on the wrong road.

I would say that two wrongs never make a right! It is always better to correct a mistake than to compound it.

If this is not meant to be, then counseling, and possible separation, might be the thing to consider. (which it sounds like you are.)

I believe in being true to ones self. I believe in a persons gut-feeling and woman's intuition. (while many of us have been taught to deny it since birth.) It sounds like the prospect of having a child together brought on some very uncomfortable feelings and some real soul searching.

I have to say that you have not mentioned anything at all, as to WHY this may not be the man you can spend the rest of your life with. That confuses and concerns me.... If this is true, and not just that you are holding back from posting more personal comments on the DIS, then perhaps you should take this opportunity with counseling to be able deal with your real thoughts and feelings??? Not saying this in a judgemental way. But, just pointing out what is crossing my mind here.

Again, I do hope that you come to the best possible outcome for you and your husband!