Marriage Advice

[poohandwendy]

The light way that soem folks toss around "if it doesn't work then get divorced and move on" leads me to think that we aren't understanding the commitment of marriage. .

I agree with that, but in this case i do not think the OP made the commitment to start with, not really. If she didn't love him from go, then she is wronging him by staying, IMHO.

I take the commitment of marriage very seriously, and urge everyone else to. If this was a mistake made...a horrible decision, lacking the very most basic bond necessary for the commitment of marriage...I would rather see it end before children enter the picture.

 

[poohandwendy]

IOW, I think she said the words to end the marriage, not to open dialogue to save it. I think she knows in her heart that she does not feel the commitment necessary for marriage. I think she knows there is nothing to save.

 

[cardaway]

The light way that soem folks toss around "if it doesn't work then get divorced and move on" leads me to think that we aren't understanding the commitment of marriage.

So? I would rather every couple get divorced and move on to a happy marriage than stick together. Even when there are kids involved I believe it's better for the child to have to happy, but split, parents than a home with a black cloud above it year round.

 

[vettechick99]

Excellent points poohandwendy!

 

[RitaZ.]

I would rather see it end before children enter the picture.

Exactly!

 

[DVCJEN]

I am really bothered by the fact that people keep repeating that I am not listening to what you all have to say. That is why I posted in the first place!! I am listening and taking in to consideration every opinion, shared story, etc...

I do feel really bad by everyone who tells me I should leave Dh so that he can be happier and does not deserve me. Thank you for the encouragment and esteem booster. I am trying my hardest to work on the situation and do what is best for both of us.

Are you honestly trying? Or just looking for validation to leave? Even the best marriages have their challenges and part of love is CHOOSING to love and commit to your partner and marriage. All people have annoying little habits. You have said he is your best friend, a great guy and that he doesn't mistreat you. What exactly do you want from him? He can't fix your esteem problems---neither can any other man. Only you can fix it. Get some counseling and consider yourself lucky that he cares enough for you to go to counseling. I don't think a lesser man would stick with you.

 

[LauraR]

To the OP: I'm not going to give you any advice, because I think this will come down to whatever you and your husband figure out through counseling and talking with each other. But I will say I think you are doing the smart thing by going to counseling to sort through your feelings, and that it is better to figure this out now rather than 10 years down the road. It sounds like the thought of having kids was a wake-up call to you, and I give you credit for that as well. There are lots of people that think having kids will fill in the gaps in their relationship with their spouse, and of course it doesn't.
How is your husband feeling about your relationship? Does he have reservations, too, or was he feeling like everything was great?
It sounds like you care for your husband, but maybe not in the way that will sustain a marriage. I wish you clarity in deciding what to do. This is a major decision, so take your time.

 

[Guest17]

Again I would urge you to reread your posts.

No, you haven't gotten mad. But you have gotten defensive toward the people who are telling you what you don't want to hear, and are oh so grateful to the folks' whose opinions about leaving, looking for your soul mate, not staying in a marriage that isn't working after 2 short years, mirror your own.

Whether consciously or subconsciously, you sound as if you have decided that your marriage is over. So do yourself a favor...stop the counselling to try and fix your marriage and start the counselling to try and find out exactly what it is you want from your life, how to achieve it, and how to move forward so you don't make this same mistake again.

Don't get involved with anyone too soon, wait until you & the man are mature enough to make your own decisions about your relationship instead of listening to anyone's Mommy and Daddy, and make sure you really know what you're doing.

I am done arguing with you on this. We all know how hard it is to try and communicate via this type of forum. I am listening and taking heart in what EVERYONE says, not just what I want to hear. It has been very interesting getting all different types of responses. And the ones that make me think the most are those who offer up questions to help me figure out what my path is, not those who judge what I have or have not done or what I will or will not do. I asked for opinions and advice and got just that. You and I are obviously on 2 different pages.

 

[Guest17]

What is he working on? Becoming more lovable? Becoming someone you will love? You can't change things to make someone love you if they do not have those feelings and especially if they never did. It is not fair to make someone work on something that is not real for the other person.

JMHO

I want to make it very clear that these things he is "working" on, he made that decision. I have not asked anything from him. I have made it clear that this situation was not caused by something he did or didn't do or a way he acted. He has decided that he has not been living his life as he should and is working on that. He has decided he has not been motivated in a number of areas and wants to take on more responsibility. There are a number of things and he came to this conclusion. I am not saying if I hadn't started this whole thing he would have still decided to make these changes, but that was his idea, not mine.

 

[poohandwendy]

I hope that you are being realistic with him, ie whether or not any of these changes will have any real affect on your feelings for him.

Men are 'fixers', it is very likely that he thinks self-improvement will change your feelings for him. Whether or not you asked him to do so, he is likely of the belief that he is doing this for you (at least subconsciously). I hope you are being clear about whether that will work, or if those efforts are in vain.

(I can just see an argument ensuing)

Him- "But, I am making changes, I did all of this for you"

You- "I didn't ask you to do that"

Him- "Why didn't you tell me there was no use? You are impossible to please."

You- "I told you how I felt and you didn't listen"

IOW, if there is no chance, please find out and let him know immediately. Do not allow him to think he can change things by his actions, if that is not possible.

 

[Guest17]

I hope that you are being realistic with him, ie whether or not any of these changes will have any real affect on your feelings for him.

Men are 'fixers', it is very likely that he thinks self-improvement will change your feelings for him. Whether or not you asked him to do so, he is likely of the belief that he is doing this for you (at least subconsciously). I hope you are being clear about whether that will work, or if those efforts are in vain.

(I can just see an argument ensuing)

Him- "But, I am making changes, I did all of this for you"

You- "I didn't ask you to do that"

Him- "Why didn't you tell me there was no use? You are impossible to please."

You- "I told you how I felt and you didn't listen"

IOW, if there is no chance, please find out and let him know immediately. Do not allow him to think he can change things by his actions, if that is not possible.

Yea I know. We have had that converstation and the doctor at couseling did as well. I don't want to lead him on, but I don't want to make a hasty decision either.

 

[Tiggerlover91]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but your situation shows me how blessed I am to have been with the same man for 18 years the 31st of this month and married for 15 years on the 22nd of May. We have DEFINITELY had our challenges...almost divorced in 2000, but G-d pulled us through it and our lives are sooooooooo much better now. He still has things that drive me bonkers and I know there are things about me that does the same for him, but DH and I just can't truly imagine our lives with anyone else.

Whatever you do, please pray about it and listen, listen closey to make sure it's G-d you are listening to.

Best wishes,

Denise

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am glad to hear that your counselor has already been thru that conversation... It makes me think that you may have a pretty good counselor.

Because, that is soooo true!!! Men are 'fixers'... I have had several very similar of those 'conversations' with my DH. LOL!!! ( not this major of course, but about a few issues that we have faced.)

Men sometimes think that they can put a bandaide on anything and it should be okay. Very rarely do they see that things are complicated issues, and that all the 'fixing' and 'blaming' in the world can't change the underlying truths. It is not that they 'did this', or 'did that', to try to cover the situation or to try to please their wife. It is the fact that there are deeper underlying issues.

It sounds like the OP is aware of this.... A woman does not want to be blamed for making her husband 'do this' or 'do that'. A man should do things because he is motivated from inside. Which, would mean that he would not need a woman 'nagging' him from behind, as he would have been doing the right things all along.

 

[mark&sue]

No one has asked whether the OP "fancies" her best friend (DH). Maybe the thought of sex with him is not very nice.

Should this be the case after 2 years and no children? No one has asked if there is any sexual chemisty between them recently. Perhaps this is a reason she wants to leave.

I think perhaps that comes back too with time so this could be something else they can explore.

Good luck and I really hope it can be worked out. Both myself and DH have gone through phases of this but it did not start until we had our DD and have worked it out through time. The grass is not greener on the other side just that same muddy color.


Susan

 

[Disney-Kim]

I have not read all the posts...skimmed. You said you had been married only 2 yrs..not sure how long you dated. But you said that you got married because you could not move in together.

so if you were not married, just living together, would you break up?? would you be able to leave more easily?

is it just that your "married" and feel that ties you down more?

No, I don't think you should settle because it sounds like you guys got married for the wrong reasons. jmho.

 

[California Girl]

Men sometimes think that they can put a bandaide on anything and it should be okay. Very rarely do they see that things are complicated issues, and that all the 'fixing' and 'blaming' in the world can't change the underlying truths. It is not that they 'did this', or 'did that', to try to cover the situation or to try to please their wife. It is the fact that there are deeper underlying issues.

OMG...I would hate to be a man in your life, such sweeping generalizations. So what you are saying is men, by their very nature, cannot understand the depths of a women's thoughts. I guess that's from the world according to Ray Barone.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Ohhhh lovely, more personal attacks and false assumptions.

Goodness gracious people, I was just commenting along with the whole 'men are fixers thing'. Kind of the general "Men are from Mars..." type thing... Sometimes men and women look at things from very different angles. The fact that the OP's DH could possibly feel that he could 'fix' or 'work on' some of the things about himself, and that would mean she would love him and be happy spending her life with him.

BTW: That was another great post PoohandWendy.

Did anyone see that 20/20 about that woman who spent a lot of time as a man as research. Some of what was mentioned was really out-there, but she had a lot of good comments and observations as well.

 

[Guest17]

I have not read all the posts...skimmed. You said you had been married only 2 yrs..not sure how long you dated. But you said that you got married because you could not move in together.

so if you were not married, just living together, would you break up?? would you be able to leave more easily?

is it just that your "married" and feel that ties you down more?

No, I don't think you should settle because it sounds like you guys got married for the wrong reasons. jmho.

The being "married" thing doesn't bother me. I don't feel tied down, I don't want to go an soe my wild oats or something. I think it's becoming clearer that we got married for the wrong reasons. I am trying to focus now on how I feel today and whether or not we can make this work. We have our seperate appointments tomorrow.

 

[luvsmickeymouse]

So? I would rather every couple get divorced and move on to a happy marriage than stick together. Even when there are kids involved I believe it's better for the child to have to happy, but split, parents than a home with a black cloud above it year round.

I agree with this!

 

[Mari annie]

I have felt like this time to time, we all have!lol!

I have been married almost 22 years, to a great, wonderful loving man, but sometimes I ponder myself, the grass always looks greener, until you get to the other side, continue the counciling and remember why you took the vows in the beginning.
Life has it's ups and downs but if you have a wonderful loving man, work it out,wonderful loving men are a rare comodidty these days!!!

good luck to you.

follow your heart.