Marriage Advice

[Skywalker]

OP, I am sorry that some other posters here have been so brutally 'honest' and are actually doing, themselves, what they so abhor that they accuse you of doing to your husband.

Oh my...are you equating a bunch of people giving SOLICITED advice anonymously to a stranger on a message board to telling your spouse that you might be ending your marriage because you don't love them and maybe never did? Allllrighty then.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Skywalker,

Ummmm, nope, I said that while I may see valid points, that I did not see why they could not "temper their words".... Alrighty then?????

 

[poohandwendy]

Brutal honesty here (note that I did not make any complaint about her being totally honest with her DH, and that I am one who 99% of the time would advise to work on it)

I do not think you should stay married to your DH. If you are worried about whether or not you 'settled' at 2 years of marriage without facing any of the serious obstacles that all marriages inevitably face, you do not have what it takes. Do him a favor and walk away now, before you bring children into this world. And please do what you can to 'find yourself' before you involve another person in a lifelong commitment that you are unwilling to uphold. You made a horrible choice, but that does not make you a bad person. You will only hurt him more if you continue a marriage that is built like a house of cards. You will inevitably punish him for not being what you want every time something challenges the strength of your marriage. And it will happen over and over again.

I wish you luck, I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

[Skywalker]

Skywalker,

Ummmm, nope, I said that while I may see valid points, that I did not see why they could not "temper their words".... Alrighty then?????

But I think people tried tempering their words and the OP just didn't seem to want to listen to the point. Still, I don't see the comparison between blunt advice, and turning someone's life upside down. Hey, no hard feelings if you disagree.

 

[azgal81]

That sucks.

Marriage isn't perfect neither are relationships or people. You will often hate each other and fight but the important thing is you stick it out because you can't imagine yourself with anyone else and because you love him.

If you can see yourself with someone else then get out now. If you honestly can say you don't love him then get out now.

I would hate if I was married and my husband was staying with me just becaues it was safe and secure. You can be happy and not be married. Ugh that would drive me crazy. I hate when people just stay married if you feel you can't make it work anymore then get divorced so everyone involved can move on.

I am probably younger then you but I still believe in soulmates and being in love and happily married and when I do get married I wouldn't stay married just becaue if I wasn't happy.

You only have one life to live and you and him deserve to be happy!

 

[Microcell]

Do you have children? That would be a factor for me.

Me too.

 

[grlpwrd]

What has your counselor suggested? Some physical time apart/trial separation? That may help you refocus and give you a sense of whether or not you want this man in your life or not as a husband or just a friend.

Also take a look at www.marriagebuilders.com so you can both evaluate your and his needs. Are you doing such things in counseling?

Not everyone is fortunate to have a happily ever after...I hope it works out for you both whatever the outcome.

 

[Guest17]

I am really bothered by the fact that people keep repeating that I am not listening to what you all have to say. That is why I posted in the first place!! I am listening and taking in to consideration every opinion, shared story, etc...

I do feel really bad by everyone who tells me I should leave Dh so that he can be happier and does not deserve me. Thank you for the encouragment and esteem booster. I am trying my hardest to work on the situation and do what is best for both of us.

 

[Serena]

I don't have any advice except to do your best to try and make it work. Regardless to what happens, you'll be better off knowing you did your best.

 

[DisneyLovingMama]

Brutal honesty here (note that I did not make any complaint about her being totally honest with her DH, and that I am one who 99% of the time would advise to work on it)

I do not think you should stay married to your DH. If you are worried about whether or not you 'settled' at 2 years of marriage without facing any of the serious obstacles that all marriages inevitably face, you do not have what it takes. Do him a favor and walk away now, before you bring children into this world. And please do what you can to 'find yourself' before you involve another person in a lifelong commitment that you are unwilling to uphold. You made a horrible choice, but that does not make you a bad person. You will only hurt him more if you continue a marriage that is built like a house of cards. You will inevitably punish him for not being what you want every time something challenges the strength of your marriage. And it will happen over and over again.

I wish you luck, I hope you find what you are looking for.

Even though it bothers you to hear it, I agree totally with this post. If you do not love him, he is better off without you. No judgment on you, just a reality.

 

[poohandwendy]

I do feel really bad by everyone who tells me I should leave Dh so that he can be happier and does not deserve me. Thank you for the encouragment and esteem booster. I am trying my hardest to work on the situation and do what is best for both of us.

It's not a matter of whether or not he deserves you. It's a matter of his deserving to walk the path with a partner who shares the same common bond of love. You deserve that too. It is the most basic bond of marriage, unworkable and worthless without it. If you cannot offer that to him, you have an obligation, to both of you, to walk away. Because you know it has no chance to be a whole marriage, built on what you both promised.

Sure, you could just coast through and try really hard to make it work, but when things get rough (and they will, many times), you will go back to the same thing. "I didn't love him from the beginning, I felt obligated to stay. I am trapped with someone I don't love". And he will remember this message too, "She doesn't love me, never did. Nothing I do is good enough. I am trapped with someone who does not love me" It will eat away at both of you and crush both of your spirits. The strength of a marriage is tested time and time again. A marriage that is not built on mutual love does not have the strength needed to withstand challenge.

You have basically told us that there is nothing really wrong with him or the marriage other than the fact that you are not sure if you love him and you are not sure if you ever did. Where is he supposed to go with that? What is he working on? Becoming more lovable? Becoming someone you will love? You can't change things to make someone love you if they do not have those feelings and especially if they never did. It is not fair to make someone work on something that is not real for the other person.

If you really, truly feel that you don't think you ever loved him, you have an obligation to cut him free. Because you are basically saying that your vows were not real for you. Even if you learned this later, it still boils down to the same thing. People do not say what you said out of no where. Especially if it was not said in the heat of passion, to get the other persons attention. Not that doing so is right, but sometimes people say horrible things to people they love, for attention. Doesn't sound like that to me. Unless you are a flighty person, which you don't seem to come off as, you have had this feeling for a long time and it is the truth for you.

I don't think that makes you bad, but I think you have an obligation to both him and yourself to walk away. because I don't think the feelings are there for you. I don't think you would have said the words if they were.

JMHO

 

[poohandwendy]

Just wanted to add, I think there is a big difference between what many married people go through normally (feelings changing, especially when hard times hit) than the feeling that you are not sure if you ever really loved the person you are married to.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Excellent post Pooh-and-Wendy.

I too am getting the feeling the the OP did indeed make a mistake. And, that this is not just the romance wearing off....

I don't think that she should just 'bolt' though... I think that the OP owes it to herself, and to her husband, to take some time, as she is doing, and to step back, and to make sure what is real and what is not. To find out for SURE what the answer will be.

 

[poohandwendy]

I don't think that she should just 'bolt' though... I think that the OP owes it to herself, and to her husband, to take some time, as she is doing, and to step back, and to make sure what is real and what is not. To find out for SURE what the answer will be.

Oh, I agree. I think she should use the time in counselling to be sure of her feelings and also as a tool for both of them to learn to let go. Maybe a way to explain her feelings in ways that her DH can walk away without feeling that he is unworthy. I think a counsellor may be able to help with that.

 

[Buckalew11]

It's not a matter of whether or not he deserves you. It's a matter of his deserving to walk the path with a partner who shares the same common bond of love. You deserve that too. It is the most basic bond of marriage, unworkable and worthless without it. If you cannot offer that to him, you have an obligation, to both of you, to walk away. Because you know it has no chance to be a whole marriage, built on what you both promised.

Sure, you could just coast through and try really hard to make it work, but when things get rough (and they will, many times), you will go back to the same thing. "I didn't love him from the beginning, I felt obligated to stay. I am trapped with someone I don't love". And he will remember this message too, "She doesn't love me, never did. Nothing I do is good enough. I am trapped with someone who does not love me" It will eat away at both of you and crush both of your spirits. The strength of a marriage is tested time and time again. A marriage that is not built on mutual love does not have the strength needed to withstand challenge.

You have basically told us that there is nothing really wrong with him or the marriage other than the fact that you are not sure if you love him and you are not sure if you ever did. Where is he supposed to go with that? What is he working on? Becoming more lovable? Becoming someone you will love? You can't change things to make someone love you if they do not have those feelings and especially if they never did. It is not fair to make someone work on something that is not real for the other person.

If you really, truly feel that you don't think you ever loved him, you have an obligation to cut him free. Because you are basically saying that your vows were not real for you. Even if you learned this later, it still boils down to the same thing. People do not say what you said out of no where. Especially if it was not said in the heat of passion, to get the other persons attention. Not that doing so is right, but sometimes people say horrible things to people they love, for attention. Doesn't sound like that to me. Unless you are a flighty person, which you don't seem to come off as, you have had this feeling for a long time and it is the truth for you.

I don't think that makes you bad, but I think you have an obligation to both him and yourself to walk away. because I don't think the feelings are there for you. I don't think you would have said the words if they were.

JMHO

Once again, an excellent post. One which I think the OP should read and reread.

P&W

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Oh, I agree. I think she should use the time in counselling to be sure of her feelings and also as a tool for both of them to learn to let go. Maybe a way to explain her feelings in ways that her DH can walk away without feeling that he is unworthy. I think a counsellor may be able to help with that.

Not only that but she needs to learn why she would marry someone and then do this to herself so she won't do it again & grow from it.
(Privately, of course seperate from her dh.)

 

[poohandwendy]

Not only that but she needs to learn why she would marry someone and then do this to herself so she won't do it again & grow from it.
(Privately, of course seperate from her dh.)

Very true, that is something she needs to get to the bottom of.

 

[Disney Doll]

I never said I didn't want to hear the answers. I believe in another post I said I appreciate everyone's input and different views on the situation. I have not once complained about being "flamed". I am just trying to explain my situation and how I am feeling. Yes, some of these posts have hurt my feelings and maybe I don't agree with them, but I do think that many of you are being unneccessarily hostile. I haven't gotten mad, or excited or anything. Just having a conversation.

Again I would urge you to reread your posts.

No, you haven't gotten mad. But you have gotten defensive toward the people who are telling you what you don't want to hear, and are oh so grateful to the folks' whose opinions about leaving, looking for your soul mate, not staying in a marriage that isn't working after 2 short years, mirror your own.

Whether consciously or subconsciously, you sound as if you have decided that your marriage is over. So do yourself a favor...stop the counselling to try and fix your marriage and start the counselling to try and find out exactly what it is you want from your life, how to achieve it, and how to move forward so you don't make this same mistake again.

Don't get involved with anyone too soon, wait until you & the man are mature enough to make your own decisions about your relationship instead of listening to anyone's Mommy and Daddy, and make sure you really know what you're doing.

 

[Disney Doll]

That sucks.

Marriage isn't perfect neither are relationships or people. You will often hate each other and fight but the important thing is you stick it out because you can't imagine yourself with anyone else and because you love him.

If you can see yourself with someone else then get out now. If you honestly can say you don't love him then get out now.

I would hate if I was married and my husband was staying with me just becaues it was safe and secure. You can be happy and not be married. Ugh that would drive me crazy. I hate when people just stay married if you feel you can't make it work anymore then get divorced so everyone involved can move on.

I am probably younger then you but I still believe in soulmates and being in love and happily married and when I do get married I wouldn't stay married just becaue if I wasn't happy.

You only have one life to live and you and him deserve to be happy!

Wait a while before you get married then, kiddo, because even your "soulmate" is going to tick you off to no end on some days, and he'll have annoying habits, and he'll be non-supportive once in a while, and he may wants to spend some time with is buddies instead of you and he may someday come up to you and "I don't love you and don't know if I ever did".

The light way that soem folks toss around "if it doesn't work then get divorced and move on" leads me to think that we aren't understanding the commitment of marriage. And don't all start with "I got divorced because my husband abused me"...that's obviously a whole different issue than the OP's, with a completely different cause, effect etc.

 

[andromedaslove]

I am still shocked with the responses of how could I tell my husband something like that. What would you have rather I done? I know, not tell him and lead a life of lies, because afterall we said our vows and no matter what we are bound together. I am sorry, but I don't agree. No matter how much it hurts, I would want him to be honest with me.

I don't think that anyone here thinks you shouldn't be honest with your husband. I certainly think you should be honest, but you also have to think about the consequences of the things that you say. I have been married 6 years and have realized that just because I feel a certain way doesn't mean it is necessarily right to voice how I feel. Telling him that you are struggling with the marriage, and that you don't know how you feel, or wether or not you want to continue to be married is one thing. But to tell someone you don't know wether or not you EVER loved them is another. It's one of those statements that you can never take back, it never goes away, and it never stops hurting.

Believe me, I know I just ended a 10 year friendship because my best friends wife made one of those comments in an argument that you can't take back. Some things are truly better left unsaid.

I can tell you that I truly do know how you are feeling. I too was married to a man for 2 years, and then divorced. I realized that no matter how much I "liked" him and had fun with him he wasn't the person I wanted to spend my life with. I was 19 when we got married, I was too young to truly realize what I wanted. Not long after my divorce I met my husband and as corny as it is to say it truly was love at first sight. Granted, I don't always "like" him, but I always LOVE him. We have been through some of the roughest things a marriage can go through and have stayed strong as a couple through it. So, I am not going to tell you to try and make it work. It sounds as if you already know how you feel (just my opinion from reading your posts) , and you know what that's OK. You have to do what is best for you and what is best for him. In my opinion if you have to ask if you "ever" loved him then you probably didn't. I know that of all the guys I ever dated there are only three that I know I truly loved, my highschool sweetheart, my first husband, and my husband now. The rest I am not sure if I ever really did love them, and that's because I really didn't.

You, however, do owe it to your husband to figure out how you truly feel and as soon as you do know act accordingly. You also owe it to him to be truthful yet compassionate. He is your husband and doesn't deserve to be hurt anymore than he has to be, and sometimes that means not saying "everything" you feel. Does that make any sense?

Dana