MAN DO I NEED YOUR HELP!-update post 273

[micheleq]

Wow, I am sorry you've been put in this situation.

A dear friend of mine's daughter married at age 20 to a man she and her DH didn't think was right for her. The daughter and future SIL tried to demand certain things for the wedding (basically, a large sum of money), and finally my friend said that they wouldn't pay for anything unless their daughter graduated college first. Needless to say, the daughter and future SIL had his family pay for the whole thing. My friend wore black to the wedding, sat back and said nothing. She knew that the union wouldn't last, and it didn't. They were divorced within months.

My friend and her DH are able to afford a lavish wedding for their daughter, but that wasn't the point. Like you, they were being bullied by the future in-laws. They chose to opt out of paying for anything, then there could be no demands made on them. The compromise was that they had no say whatsoever in the wedding. But, since they had a feeling it wouldn't last, they were ok with that.

It was the most difficult thing for my friend to do; watch her daughter marry the wrong man. But she knew that she couldn't stop them. Therefore, she decided the best she could do was be there for her daughter, but not get caught up in the finances and planning of a wedding she didn't approve of.

Instead, they happily paid for her divorce lawyer.

Good luck.

 

[disneymomto5]

Well, I have to agree with most of the posters on this one. First of all chances are this couple will not stay married-sad, but true. If you volunteered to provide help, then you should call the future in laws and tell them how much you are willing to spend and at the correct time send them a check. Don't overextend yourself and don't give in. I have 4 sons and I'll be paying for a very nice rehearsal dinner (and I'll be picking the place, the menu and the all).

 

[DisneyDreams4P&B]

When it came time for my husband and I to get married, we started planning a traditional wedding. It all became too much, and I felt my then FMIL, getting very, "I want this, I want that", my mother had just lost her job and was putting my two sister through college. My husband was looking in the back of one of my wedding magazines and saw an ad for Sandal's and how if we spent our honeymoon there, we would get our wedding for free. Well, let me tell you while I missed having my family there, I never regreted eloping and our pictures were gorgeous.

We get too wrapped up in the "wedding" and not the life that comes after. They day the average wedding costs $20,000.00 - that's

1.Down payment on a house, they will live in after they get married.

2.A car (with no car payment)

3. College for them or their children

etc.

We paid $4000.00 total, had a honeymoon, an absolutely gorgeous wedding, tux, wedding gown and many extra's while at the resort and for the wedding. We came home with amazing pictures and wedding video and the money we saved went towards our first house and the extra special gift we were given on our honeymoon that came 9 months later!!!

You are not beholden to your son to pay for the wedding. I would tell him what you can afford, give him a number and let the spend it how they see fit. Part of being an adult is accepting that you cannot always get what you want and Mommy and Daddy will not always bail you out. If they want this wedding so bad (and from what it sounds like, your son could care less), let them work for it till they have the money.

Good luck!

 

[Scurvy]

As for your question, I would send them a letter saying, "This is how much we can afford. If you would like more than this, you will have to pay for it." Yeah, they'll get ticked, but maybe, just maybe, this will rescue your son before he gets too involved in this trainwreck. Hopefully he can get out of this NOW instead of going through a divorce at age 22 or 23.

Oh, and I wouldn't send them a check. I'd tell them you will pay the expense to the provider. Otherwise, they might cash the check, and then, when their daughter finds a better prospect whose family doesn't balk at these expenses, they have your money to contribute to that wedding.

Psst...have your son read the wedding cost thread about Wedding Debt. And have him schedule pre-marriage counseling NOW.

I agree completely. And there is a phrase you need to learn and repeat: "That simply won't be possible." If you feel compelled to contribute to this circus, then you decide how much you are willing to contribute and stick to that. Any time they suggest that you also pay for something else, you say "That simply won't be possible." They absolutely have to have another $XX,XXX for the live swans in the punch bowls? "That simply won't be possible."

And you need to prepare yourself for the fact that they will be asking for more than you agree to contribute. Just say no! They will want to you pay for the rehearsal dinner, and the flowers, and the honeymoon, and who knows what else. Don't do it! At this point I personally wouldn't pay for anything, but I can understand that you feel obligated to contribute. So figure out what you can comfortably afford and don't budge no matter what.

As much as I hate to say it, I have to agree with others that this marriage might not last that long. Given the bride's maturity (or apparent lack thereof) it seems likely that you son will not be able to support her in the manner to which she would like to become accustomed. Please don't let your debt outlast the marriage! This day is apparently all about her - it should be all about them, and the start of their life together. If I were you I would make premarital counseling a precondition of my financial contribution to this wedding. Who will be performing the ceremony? Is there a pastor that could council them? I would not contribute anything at all if I didn't know there was as much focus on the marriage as on the wedding!

(I'm active on an etiquette site that often deals with situations like this and the people there might have better suggestions - PM me if you'd like the address!)

 

[wdwmom0f3]

YIKES...This is my opinion. Is there any way that you can get your son out of the other house? He needs to back away from this family. Ooops - I think you understand that already.

YOU DO NOT OWE YOUR KIDS A FANCY-SCHMANCY WEDDING. Nope. Don't do it. As a wedding gift to your son and his fiance...tell them that you will be contributing $X to the wedding, and if there is any left over, they can use that towards their house. Also - in having a chat with your son, be sure to explain that his dollar would go further if he used your choice of halls, band etc.

I realize that your son is trying to save for a house. Here's a thought...he is paying $200/month in rent. Tell your son that he can live at your house for free, and save an additional $200 per month, or he can pay you the $200 per month, and you would use that in addition to wha tyou want to contribute to the wedding.

NOPE - do not go into debt paying for your kid's wedding. The economy is so shakey right now, what happens if you or your DH lose a job?

Do you son a favor, as well as the future DIL. Give them a budget for the wedding. They'll learn a lot of compromising during the process...which will serve them well in a long marriage!

And, my last thought...you do not want to be in debt LONG AFTER THE MARRIAGE ENDS.

I was thinking the exact same thing.

 

[pantherlj]

I agree with everyone else - just tell them the amount you can contribute. However, I wouldn't just give them a check right now! The wedding is to far away for that. Tell them how much you will chip in but the money won't be due for a while. What if they break up? You might be out your money.

Good luck.

 

[mirandag819]

I agree with everyone else! Say no! And honestly....where is her reasoning on "since we are paying for the ceremony, you pay for the reception" The reception is normally more expensive then the ceremony....and the Bride's parents are normally responsible. Tell them no way will you pay for what sounds like the FMIL's dream wedding. Offer some money to your son for a house or something, at their age, and FDIL's demand to not work, it sounds like they will need help after the wedding.

 

[dismom24]

I agree with most of the posters about giving them a budget for what you can afford, but I disagree with "telling your DS". I would sit them both down and talk to both of them together. The young lady may be the mother of your grandchildren someday and you want to start things off on the right foot. I have seen so many DIL/MIL relationships damaged because they send messages through DH/DS.

 

[surfgirl]

OP, will you report back as things happen ?

I agree... this is a recipe for disaster. I'm hoping that the $200 that your son is paying for rent would be returned to him later in the form of a downpayment for a house. Could you make that deal if they moved in with you ?

be strong. practice your mantra and repeat often. I like the "That is simply not possible". make someone take their side and practice. Its easier after you've done it the first time.

 

[kilee]

I do not think it should be any parents duty to fully pay for a wedding. My parents were very straight forward w/ my sister and I. This is what we'll be contributing, you decide what you want it spent on (food, flowers, photographer, ect). To make matters worse for my parents my sister and I got married 9 months apart.

My sister and I went 2 very different way's w/ this. I had a very small, intimate wedding. The money my parents contributed paid for everything 100%, there was not a single out of pocket expense for us. We then had all the money we had saved to put towards a house.

My sister she spent well above and beyond- I think her wedding was in the $30,000 range. She then lived w/ my parents and her new husband for nearly a year to save a bit of money for her house, that she hated and moved out of 2 yrs later.

It's one day in time. While it's a very special day.........there are things in life that last a lot longer (the home you live in, the debt you'll struggle to pay off).

I'm sorry, but at those ages........it's not about the marriage working or not. Rather it's about knowing that as an adult that things do not get handed to you. You work for what you get, and if not there is no sense of pride in those items.

 

[Belle5]

The OP's thread raises red flags on so many fronts-- I just don't know where to begin. The chances of this "marriage" lasting is slim-to-none. I would have no part in it. This is about a wedding for a princess. What she really needs (for now) is to look like a bride at the senior prom and get it out of her system.

I am blown away that a girl in high school is allowed to have a young man living with her in her parent's home. I still had to be home at 11 pm on weekend nights at that age.

 

[twinsplusone]

Write the check and be done with it. What they chose to do with it is up to them. Just make it clear that that's all you will contribute. This may sound harsh, but if they are grown up enough to get married, then they are old enough to pay for it. Getting money from parents is a bonus not a requirement.

 

[mychicks]

Sounds like my bil's ex-wife. She has the princess mentality as does her mother. My bil basically had no say in the wedding, it was what she and her mother wanted. They spent $50,000 on the "show" and they were separated within a year and divorced six months later. What a waste of money! MIL and FIL were not included in anything and it broke my heart to watch MIL so unhappy about her son's wedding (I have a great MIL and love her to pieces) My dh was best man and his toast at the reception was cut out of momzilla's dvd because she didn't like what he said.

Like previous posters said, don't go into debt. This girl is clearly more interested in the wedding and the party than the marriage. Figure out what you can contribute financially and tell your son that's what you can do.

 

[lila]

I also agree with the lump sum, but I wouldn't give it to them all now - this wedding isn't for over a year, and it sounds like slim to zero chances it will actually go off. If you give them the money today, you aren't getting it back, wedding or not.

I am also really wondering what this girl is bringing to their relationship. I am so boggled by the ages involved. I hope your son is positioning himself for a strong career. It sounds like he will be supporting her one way or another moving forward.

 

[Bob NC]

It's not often that 20 year old adults going out with 16 year olds leads to good things.

 

[luvsJack]

OP, I just went through almost the same thing. DS and DIL were just married and we went through a year of turmoil over the wedding.

MY dil is also spoiled and thinks she is a princess.

I finally told ds that I could afford to contribute $X amount and that was it, whatever they wanted to spend it on was up to them. Her mom did the same. They ended up going to Vegas to get married (which is a whole 'nother situation!)

Warning to your ds. : My two have only been married since October. In that time he has gotten behind on all his bills and I have had to pay at least a portion on their cell phone bill every month and all of it in December (this is what they asked me to do in lieu of a gift). He makes really good money working offshore. And all this is without paying rent or any monthly expenses as they live with her parents. She thinks she "deserves" everything anyone else has but without the working for it part. She wants to make everyone believe they have plenty of money and can spend all the time and buy whatever they want and ds goes along with it to make her happy. We are hoping that once the "honeymoon" stage wears off he will come to his senses and put his foot down on the spending.

If at all possible, talk to your ds about how the wedding will not be the end of it. If she thinks she is supposed to have "the best" regardless of what can be afforded; she will continue to think this about everything in their lives. He needs to have a talk with her NOW, about their finances and what they can and cannot afford. Maybe starting with the type of house they want to purchase.

 

[Dizzy4Disney90210]

This wedding is 18 months away. These kids will break up and make up a few more times before it comes. Keep your fingers crossed that they do break up, premanently you hope.

It sounds like nothing the OP does will be good enough for the kids or the brides parents, I don't think they will be making it to the alter. It seems that everyone has lost sight of the marriage part of all this and are just thinking about the wedding. The wedding is just a few hours of one day, the marriage (hopefully) will be for a lifetime.


If I was the OP I would be very careful at this point, make a financial commitment that you will give them X amount of $$ on a certain date. Don't give them a check now, they will spend it on lord knows what, non refundable deposits and then if they break up - you are screwed and your money is gone.

The couple sounds very immature, including your son and with the economy the way it is they are just dreaming. They should BOTH be focused on working and saving. All this money for a wedding and they don't even have a place of their own? This is just crazy, I feel for you, OP.

 

[Aristocath]

Personally, I'd choose to write a check for what I could afford and give it to DS (not FMIL or DF). Let him know that he and the ladies can spend it on whatever they want but that this is all that they will be getting from you. There is no reason that you should go into debt to furnish your future DIL with a dream wedding.

Someone here needs to be the voice of reason and it sounds as if you've been elected to that position by default.

Excellent post. Your son better learn right off the bat that if she needs all this to be happy now, after the wedding it is going to be something else she "needs" to be happy.

Good luck to you all!

 

[mnasmom3]

Wow.
Don't be bullied by FMIL and FDIL.

I think I'd give my son what I could afford and tell him to spend wisely. Remind him that you're not obligated as his mom to give him a royal gala that's not in the budget. I say, if he wants to have this grand wedding, he's going to have to figure out for himself how to make it happen.

It sounds like he's also feeling bullied by this pair of princesses (FMIL and FDIL). I'd take the opportunity to tell him that he can't be a doormat because he's setting the stage for the rest of his married life! He should get a grip on that NOW.

 

[DVC Sadie]

First of all, please do not go into debt for your sons wedding and do not allow yourself to be financially bullied by your future DIL and MIL. I would not give your DS any money until the wedding is closer to 6 months away.

Secondly, I beg you to hold back some of the wedding money that you plan to give because they may be needing it for a baby. If this is how they plan for a wedding then I see no reason to think they will be any more realistic when it comes to planning for a child.

It doesn't seem as if anyone involved in this wedding is using any common sense, except you.