MAN DO I NEED YOUR HELP!-update post 273

[TupperMom7]

I was just remembering back to when we got married. My Mom gave us a certain amount towards the reception and we paid for the rest. She also bought my dress and flowers. I don't remember who bought the cake. My Dh's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner and I think they might have paid for the cake. We had a very reasonably priced reception, but it still seemed expensive at the time. We had a band - now I wish we had a DJ because the stupid band kept playing the same songs over and over, LOL. But it gave us something to laugh about later.

I'm mentioning this because I think I told DH's mother who I wanted to invite to the rehearsal dinner and she must have okayed it because they were there! If there was any arguement about it, I never heard about it.

Sorry to say, but I don't think your son will be married to this girl too long. Unless, of course, he wants to be walked on all the time.

 

[littlelulu33]

This is what my parents did for DH and I. A little back story DH and I were just over 20 when we were engaged. I am an only child and DH and I's relationship was all most all long distance. We met summer of 93 and in the fall of 93 he joined the Navy and was stationed across the county. My parents did not get to know him very well and were not sure that he was Mr. Right for their only DD who once was married would have to move across the country. They also were not sure that the wedding was going to actually take place. The wedding was planned for 97.
So what they did was said this is how much we are going to give you and it will not be until the wedding day and it was their gift. My dress and vail were a bonus as long as I could show that I was not paying for the wedding with my credit card.
DH's parents paid very little per plate and we knew that was all they were going to pay up front.
So I would tell them this is what I was going to pay if they did things the way you wanted and and anything over that they need to work for. Maybe she needs to get a job to help with her wedding.
In the end my parents have gotten to know them and love him as a son.

 

[Promomx2]

BIG HUGS TO THE OP!! Don't you just love in-laws, even future ones. My dd is getting married Jan 2010 and we've had some drama from fmil trying to put her two cents into my dd's wedding. I stopped that in the bud. I agree that you should not pay for anything you don't feel comfortable with. And you ds should be living with you. Taking that $200 a month and just putting that away until the wedding would add up to a nice emergency fund for someone. Good luck and take care of yourself. I know when there's a crisis around here with one of my kids, I stress about it soo much and forget to take care of myself.

 

[dizkids]

I wouldnt allow them to take advantage of you paying for anything. If you are approve of this then you should say here is X amount of money and present it to your son.

I am sure they think they are in love but wow it is awfully young to be getting married to the tune of an expensive wedding. Once that day comes and goes i hope they are able to have a good marriage and life together.

Good luck OP.

 

[luvmy3]

First off, My children all know that when they marry, where the hall is, who the band is, where the rehearsal dinner will be, etc. So I gave this information to my son's FMIL. I work for a place that has a hall, we have a wonderful band within our family, and a close family friend owns a wonderful restrauant.

OP, I dont' quite understand this quote. Do you mean that your children have no choice but to use this particular hall, band and food for their wedding? If that is how you feel, then I honestly don't see it as any different from what the future IL's are doing.
Please don't take that the wrong way, it was just an observation.

I think your ds and his future bride need to sit down and discuss what THEY want for THEIR wedding. Once they decide they can come to you and her parents and you all can work out the finances. If they decide to not take advantage of what you can do for them (hall, music, food) then I think you should tell them you are willing to give $XXXX towards their wedding/reception and they can use it towards food, music or whatever they want but you will not give them a cent more for anything else. They will need to figure out what they can and can't afford based on that.
I hope everything works out.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I'm sorry, but for your grown son to come home with a note from FMIL sounds like he's already been beaten down by living in that house. He needs to move home ASAP to see how he really feels about the situation when he's not bombarded by those two women (well, one girl and one women) all the time. I think a sitdown between all ILs and DS and DDIL is necessary. Lay it on the line -- I'm glad this is what you want DDIL, but we're not so sure it's what DS wants, and it's certainly NOT something we can afford. Here's the amount we're willing to spend. Take it or leave it.

When DH and I got married, we knew we'd have to pay for it ourselves. Yes, it was probably more than DH wanted to spend, but it's what I wanted (within reason). I probably paid more toward the wedding than he did, because I wanted what I wanted and didn't want to hear anything about it. But that money came out of my pocket. My mom paid for my dress, headpiece, shoes, etc. and gave us money in a card at the reception. DILs paid for our rehearsal dinner (at their house and catered -- chicken wings, kielbasy and kraut..., but only for about 10-12 people). They also paid for breakfast the morning after our wedding. Our reception was in a hotel so they paid for breakfast for EVERYONE the next morning. Very nice and completely unnecessary, but it's what they chose to do, I did NOT ask them to do so. They also gave us money for our reception. My point is, if they're adult enough to get married, they're adult enough to pay for their choices. Princess does not seem at all ready to get married. I think DS should run, fast. RUN FORREST RUN!!!!!!!

 

[mrsklamc]

Someone seems to have the word princess confused with spoiled freakin brat

Princesses that aren't in Disney movies actually have to do a lot of things they don't want to do....and this little girl is definately not one.

Adults don't talk about themselves as 'Almost ____ years old.'

This is a spoiled child. My brother used to be married to a girl just like her. He worked double shifts to pay for all the crap she wanted, and then she left him because he was 'never home.'

I've had a lot of jobs, but being married is the hardest work I've ever done (and my DH is amazing.) If miss thing is never going to work she'd best not get married.

 

[horseshowmom]

OK, I just spoke to my 21 year old, almost 22 year old son. I read the OP to him and asked what he would do if his fiance (which he doesn't have) asked for these things for their wedding.

His words, "I wouldn't go out with someone like that in the first place. If I found out they were like that after we started going out, I'd run like he**. She sounds scary."

My DD is engaged and will be married in June. One of men who will be a groomsmen had something similar happen (although not quite to this extreme ). He said that after watching her behavior, he realized that he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with her, and he broke their engagement (better to realize it before than after).


OP, I agree with most of what the others have said. We will be paying for DD's wedding, and while I want her to have what she wants as much as possible, since I'm paying for it, I DO expect to have a say in it. Fortunately, there haven't been any issues. We discussed a dollar amount (much less than the current going rate for weddings - under $10,000 ), and she's worked out the things that are most important to her on that budget. The wedding will have about 75-85 people there rather than everyone we've ever known in the whole world. (Let me add that DD is in pharmacy school and has worked very hard to get scholarships that have paid pretty much all of her education, so I don't have a problem with paying for the wedding.)

That said, the groom's parents are only responsible for the rehearsal dinner, and what they chose to do with that was none of my business. His mother told them to decide what they would like, and they chose a nice restaurant for a reasonable price (not the Taj Mahal). Further, if his mother had said that she would rather cook steaks for everyone in the backyard, my DD would not have said a word against it. The fact is that stuff is just not that important.

I think that a meeting between the parents and the couple is in order (as uncomfortable as it will be). As others have said, offer to pay X amount of dollars OR be responsible for the rehearsal dinner (which you make the decisions on). I feel for you though, because it isn't going to go over well.


ETA: I think the "princess" thinks this is a coronation rather than a wedding. And I agree with a previous poster, none of the Disney princesses acted like spoiled brats, that was always the wicked step-sisters, etc.

 

[CAVEA001]

I haven't read all the responses - but I vote for 'write your son a check'. Personally, I don't think a wedding is the responsibility of the parents. I'm not a parent, so maybe my opinion doesn't mean much, but I did recently get married, and we paid for it ourselves.

I feel for you though, it seems like you're in a sticky situation.

 

[LeeLeeLuvsDisney]

I would sit down and decide what you can afford to spend on the wedding.

Then, break down that amount into several payments.

Talk to your son and his fiancee and her family and let them know that you can only afford to put xx amount of money towards the wedding, and that you don't have it all up front, and that you will give them xx amount every 3 months or whatever you decide. They can use that money as they wish towards the wedding as it is a gift.

Then, they know exactly what they can spend. And, if they break up and call off the wedding (as many kids that young do), you haven't handed over every bit of cash to them so far ahead of the big day. They won't need most of it anyways until a couple of weeks before when a lot of the big payments come due.

If they don't like it, then tough you-know-whats. The young girl sounds immature and spoiled rotten. You could give her $100k and it probably wouldn't make her happy. She'd find something else more expensive that she NEEDED for the wedding. So, don't get yourself too wrapped up in that mess. Agree to a set amount, stick to it, and you'll be back at Disney in a few years!

 

[robsmom]

In thinking about this, I wanted to add one other thing. I think that a heart to heart with your DS is in order for many reasons. I think it is important to make sure he understands what you would sacrifice to make his DF's dreams come true. Is it really fair that your daughter not get to enjoy vacations during her childhood so that his DF can have her dream wedding. I think he needs to be reminded that you are a family and that you have other obligations, wants and needs aside from his.

 

[Scurvy]

In thinking about this, I wanted to add one other thing. I think that a heart to heart with your DS is in order for many reasons. I think it is important to make sure he understands what you would sacrifice to make his DF's dreams come true. Is it really fair that your daughter not get to enjoy vacations during her childhood so that his DF can have her dream wedding. I think he needs to be reminded that you are a family and that you have other obligations, wants and needs aside from his.

Robsmom has an excellent point here. You shouldn't sacrifice your family vacations because this "princess" wants her way on everything. You really need to keep that in mind as you decide how to deal with all of her demands. Her dream wedding is not your resposibility - your family is.

 

[PelletierBears]

BIG HUGS TO THE OP!! Don't you just love in-laws, even future ones. My dd is getting married Jan 2010 and we've had some drama from fmil trying to put her two cents into my dd's wedding. I stopped that in the bud. I agree that you should not pay for anything you don't feel comfortable with. And you ds should be living with you. Taking that $200 a month and just putting that away until the wedding would add up to a nice emergency fund for someone. Good luck and take care of yourself. I know when there's a crisis around here with one of my kids, I stress about it soo much and forget to take care of myself.

I'm sorry but I had to comment on this statement, "My dd is getting married Jan 2010 and we've had some drama from fmil trying to put her two cents into my dd's wedding." Isn't it your daughter and her fiance's wedding?

Honestly, no disrespect meant! I believe that if the bride's parents are paying for the wedding then the decisions should be made between them and the bride and groom. My sister and I were extremely hurt when our brother married because his wedding was really his bride's wedding if you know what I mean. I put the responsibility for that squarely at his feet. If he had listened to our Mom and not let all the decisions be made without him there wouldn't have been such bad feelings after. (I'm not talking about how $$$ was spent)

Don't let the in law's dictate how you spend your $$$ but remember the groom-to-be has a family and your daughter is becoming a part of it.

To the OP I agree with everyone else...give what you can not what others demand or expect of you.

 

[Belle5]

OP, I dont' quite understand this quote. Do you mean that your children have no choice but to use this particular hall, band and food for their wedding? If that is how you feel, then I honestly don't see it as any different from what the future IL's are doing.
Please don't take that the wrong way, it was just an observation.

I think your ds and his future bride need to sit down and discuss what THEY want for THEIR wedding. Once they decide they can come to you and her parents and you all can work out the finances. If they decide to not take advantage of what you can do for them (hall, music, food) then I think you should tell them you are willing to give $XXXX towards their wedding/reception and they can use it towards food, music or whatever they want but you will not give them a cent more for anything else. They will need to figure out what they can and can't afford based on that.
I hope everything works out.

If they want a particular hall for their wedding then they(the bride and groom) should darn well pay for it! My mother-in-law owned her own florist. Our wedding flowers were part of the wedding "gift" from my in-laws. Can you imagine if I would have told my mom that I didn't like the way my MIL arranged flowers so I want my mom to pick up the tab at a different local florist? I am sorry. Paying for a child's wedding is a GIFT. If you have a way you can more easily afford it (like Aunt Jane owns a catering company and we will go with her for all our family weddings because we get a great price) the bride and groom can opt out if they pay for it themselves like GROWN-UPS!

Let's just say that we, as the parents of six future grooms, decide to buy DVC. Let's just assume for a moment that we agree that we should not only provide a rehearsal dinner, but a honeymoon. If we are to provide the honeymoon we may see that we can afford to do so by giving the couple a week of our timeshare either at WDW or somewhere where our points would transfer. Assume then that the bride and groom decide that they don't WANT to honeymoon in any of the DVC exchange locales. THEY ARE ON THEIR OWN! It is supposed to be a gift--NOT an entitlement!!!

 

[disykat]

I'm sorry but I had to comment on this statement, "My dd is getting married Jan 2010 and we've had some drama from fmil trying to put her two cents into my dd's wedding." Isn't it your daughter and her fiance's wedding?

Honestly, no disrespect meant! I believe that if the bride's parents are paying for the wedding then the decisions should be made between them and the bride and groom. My sister and I were extremely hurt when our brother married because his wedding was really his bride's wedding if you know what I mean. I put the responsibility for that squarely at his feet. If he had listened to our Mom and not let all the decisions be made without him there wouldn't have been such bad feelings after. (I'm not talking about how $$$ was spent)

Don't let the in law's dictate how you spend your $$$ but remember the groom-to-be has a family and your daughter is becoming a part of it.

To the OP I agree with everyone else...give what you can not what others demand or expect of you.

I was taken aback by that post too. I sincerely hope that poster meant she tried to help enable the bride and groom to have the wedding THEY wanted in the face of interference, not that she and the bride had total control of the wedding. It is the wedding of the COUPLE, not of EITHER of their parents.

To the OP, take the money you were willing to pay for your suggested venues and offer it to the bride and groom as a gift to use as they please.

 

[dakcp2001]

OMG call the show Bridezillas! If they put her on, they get a free honeymoon right? That can be your contribution. lol. I am j/k

You absolutely need to set a limit, and then you need to STICK TO IT. And your son needs to learn to speak up and have his say, or he is in for a lifetime of overspending and trying to compete with her parents overindulgence. He should back you up. Do not let the other family rope you into a very expensive lesson. If they want to spend a fortune on their daughter that is their right, not your responsibilty. You and your son need to practice a very stong backbone. It will be really hard to say no, but its an important lesson for them to learn. Where will they live once they are married? Do they work? Will they be contributing to the cost of the wedding?

Ps I think its nice that you want to help them! Just make sure you dont over extend in case it doesnt work out between them. Sometimes young love can turn into happily ever after, I hope that it does

 

[horseshowmom]

If they want a particular hall for their wedding then they(the bride and groom) should darn well pay for it! My mother-in-law owned her own florist. Our wedding flowers were part of the wedding "gift" from my in-laws. Can you imagine if I would have told my mom that I didn't like the way my MIL arranged flowers so I want my mom to pick up the tab at a different local florist? I am sorry. Paying for a child's wedding is a GIFT. If you have a way you can more easily afford it (like Aunt Jane owns a catering company and we will go with her for all our family weddings because we get a great price) the bride and groom can opt out if they pay for it themselves like GROWN-UPS!

I tend to agree. The couple should show some consideration for the parents if they're the ones paying for it. If they choose something more expensive (out of line with what the parents are prepared to spend), they should cover it themselves.

Let's just say that we, as the parents of six future grooms, decide to buy DVC. Let's just assume for a moment that we agree that we should not only provide a rehearsal dinner, but a honeymoon. If we are to provide the honeymoon we may see that we can afford to do so by giving the couple a week of our timeshare either at WDW or somewhere where our points would transfer. Assume then that the bride and groom decide that they don't WANT to honeymoon in any of the DVC exchange locales. THEY ARE ON THEIR OWN! It is supposed to be a gift--NOT an entitlement!!!

More agreement! DD and her DFi had something similar happen. His aunt and uncle are Wyndham owners. They offered them a week in any timeshare they chose worldwide. That was certainly very generous of them. DD and DFi certainly do NOT have the right to say, "But I want to go somewhere else, so can you pay for that?" If they couldn't find one they wanted (and they did), aunt and uncle would not have been responsible any longer.

 

[MELSMICE]

I posted a while back when this thread first started.

I honestly believe your son should rethink where his life is headed with this "princess". I can't believe that this girl would say she doesn't have to work. Not to mention - she hasn't even graduated from high school. Is she planning on going to college?

Got forbid something happen to your son or the marriage ends, how is she going to support herself.

We have 3 DD's, who are definitely princesses to us. We have raised them to realize that there are no prince charmings in life & that they need to be able to support themselves.

Again - good luck to your son & God bless him.

 

[dakcp2001]

[
We have 3 DD's, who are definitely princesses to us. We have raised them to realize that there are no prince charmings in life & that they need to be able to support themselves.
[/QUOTE]


I think that is an important lesson! (my parents did the same for me and my sister, and I thank them for it)

 

[MrsPete]

If they want a particular hall for their wedding then they(the bride and groom) should darn well pay for it! My mother-in-law owned her own florist. Our wedding flowers were part of the wedding "gift" from my in-laws. Can you imagine if I would have told my mom that I didn't like the way my MIL arranged flowers so I want my mom to pick up the tab at a different local florist? I am sorry. Paying for a child's wedding is a GIFT. If you have a way you can more easily afford it (like Aunt Jane owns a catering company and we will go with her for all our family weddings because we get a great price) the bride and groom can opt out if they pay for it themselves like GROWN-UPS!

I'm with you. IF the family has a good wedding resource and it can be used for free (or low cost), then pouting and screaming that you want something else IS bratty! Your example of a MIL who arranges flowers is a perfect example: She'd likely GIVE the flowers as a wedding gift. What's the opposite of gracious? That's what it'd be to refuse her gift!