MAN DO I NEED YOUR HELP!-update post 273

[parkers*momma]

A lil background information:

My DS is getting married in July 2010 (he will be 21 this June). Since childhood we have known the young girl's family and have gotten along fantastic. We don't hang out or do things together but chat whenever we see each other for hours.

His DGF will be 18 this year, still in High School, a tab bit spoiled, (she will to this day tell you she is a princess and princess' get whatever she wants.), and basically an only child-she has a 1/2 sister.

My son works a full time job, she doesn't and says she will never work because (again) princesses don't work...UGGGGH. They dated for about 8 months, broke up for a year, and started dating again in July 2008. In Sept. she convinced her parents (she was 16 almost 17 and he was 20) to let him move in their home so the kids could save money to buy a house when they get married. Of course I had a HUGE problem with this because she was only 16 but her parents allowed it so I was out voted on this idea (BTW-Both of her parents work for the Sheriff's department, you would have thought they would have a bigger problem with it). So since September, the kids have lived together in the upstairs apartment of the DGF parent's home-which my son pays $200 a month for rent for them.

My son proposed and now the fun begins. I called the Future MIL to have a heart to heart talk. I guess I am the only one concerned with the age thing. The FMIL say "We know he (my DS) is from a good family, he's so much better than the other boys our DD has dated, I kept pushing my DD to start dating your DS again, we are tickled they are getting married." So at the end of our chat, that we are willing to pay for the Hall, the band, the rehearsal dinner, help with the wedding meal and just let me know what else she/they need help with pertaining to the wedding.

First off, My children all know that when they marry, where the hall is, who the band is, where the rehearsal dinner will be, etc. So I gave this information to my son's FMIL. I work for a place that has a hall, we have a wonderful band within our family, and a close family friend owns a wonderful restrauant.

I get a call from the FMIL. The Hall isn't good enough, they (not the kids) want a certain band, the restaurant doesn't offer the meal plan the DD wants. etc. Then the FMIL starts talking the wedding...OMG!!!! $185.00 for 12 vases and they need 4 dozen! Ostrich feathers in 3 different colors at $2.00 each and each vase needs 2 dozen. Colored CLOTH tablecloth at $15.00 each just to rent, Cloth skirts and napkins, diamond rhinestones down the center of all the tables....it goes on and on and on. So far they have spent over $10,000 just for decorations, photographer, videographer, invites, etc. and the wedding isn't for another 18 months! They still have the gown, wedding appearel, wedding flowers, etc to add to that bill.

Ok, here are the problems. First, now instead of the hall we have at our disposal-they want it at the country club-which I can't afford. The band we have was $300 for the night but the one they want is $1100 for the night-which I can't afford. The reheasal dinner not only includes the wedding party and their significant other but now includes aunts/uncles/close friends of the bride and instead of minimal $$ per plate, they we looking at $37 a plate. And now the best for last....

My son came home three nights ago and said "Mom, FMIL said since they are paying for everything for the wedding she feels it is fair that you and dad pay for the entire reception." I told him, I will see what I can do and asked him what he wanted food wise. The typical-Ham, beef, potatoes, veggies, etc.. So I set out figuring prices and make a mental note to call the FMIL and explain to her that if we are paying for this, that, and the other....then it will be here, the band will be this one, the rehearsal dinner here, etc.

My son comes over today with a note from the FMIL and I'm steaming. The meal is to be chicken cordon bleu and salmon, stuffed potatoes, etc, plus fancy hor douvers before the meal...all to be SERVED to all the guest by waiters. WTH? We live in a very rural community not Hollywood! I asked my son what he wants...how he feels about all this...his reply, "I would rather just elope but I'm letting DF and FMIL make the decisions-all of mine are wrong-and they are having so much fun with it. I just want DF to be happy."

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I had already explained to my DD (8yo) that in 2010 we wouldn't be going to WDW because of the wedding...KWIM? But to pay for this, there won't be a vacation in 2009, 2010, 2011 or 2012 at this rate.

Since the "BIG SHOW" isn't want my DS wants, would I be wrong to say either....

Since I am paying for this and that....then this is what "I" am doing. Then go with what we can afford.

OR

Just write them a check for the amount we are willing to spend and say that is all we can do.

I don't want to go totally in debt paying for a reception especially knowing we can't afford it plus my son is saving for a house for them. I would much rather spend what is acceptable to have a nice reception and just give the kids the extra money to put towards a house.

I really do like the family...always have...but I don't feel the need to show up the Jones when it comes to a wedding, which is exactly what the FMIL and bride are doing. The comment has been made more than once about out doing so-and-so's wedding.

WWYD?

 

[aka-mad4themouse]

Personally, I'd choose to write a check for what I could afford and give it to DS (not FMIL or DF). Let him know that he and the ladies can spend it on whatever they want but that this is all that they will be getting from you. There is no reason that you should go into debt to furnish your future DIL with a dream wedding.

Someone here needs to be the voice of reason and it sounds as if you've been elected to that position by default.

 

[wii fit mama]

I think you need to have a face to face meeting with all four of the parents as soon as possible. Sometimes when information gets passed through various people it can get very distorted. I think that it would be fair for you to reimburse them for the costs you agreed to paid for the hall, band, rehearsal dinner and part of the meal based on prices you had available at the place you work. If they insist on the fancier place, they should pay the difference. Maybe FDFIL doesn't want to pay all these extra cost and FDMIL is trying to push expenses to you so she can have her dream wedding. But you need to work together before this gets out of hand, because hopefully you will be family for many, many years. Good luck.

 

[delmar411]

Sorry but I'd send THEM a note and say TS! You get what you get or YOU pay for it.

Don't feel obligated to cater to them. Seriously. Don't. I'm pizzed off for you, I can't imagine how you must feel!


Heck I'd tell your DS to run far and fast away from that girl!

 

[clh2]

Just write them a check for the amount we are willing to spend and say that is all we can do.

I don't want to go totally in debt paying for a reception especially knowing we can't afford it plus my son is saving for a house for them. I would much rather spend what is acceptable to have a nice reception and just give the kids the extra money to put towards a house.


WWYD?

YIKES...This is my opinion. Is there any way that you can get your son out of the other house? He needs to back away from this family. Ooops - I think you understand that already.

YOU DO NOT OWE YOUR KIDS A FANCY-SCHMANCY WEDDING. Nope. Don't do it. As a wedding gift to your son and his fiance...tell them that you will be contributing $X to the wedding, and if there is any left over, they can use that towards their house. Also - in having a chat with your son, be sure to explain that his dollar would go further if he used your choice of halls, band etc.

I realize that your son is trying to save for a house. Here's a thought...he is paying $200/month in rent. Tell your son that he can live at your house for free, and save an additional $200 per month, or he can pay you the $200 per month, and you would use that in addition to wha tyou want to contribute to the wedding.

NOPE - do not go into debt paying for your kid's wedding. The economy is so shakey right now, what happens if you or your DH lose a job?

Do you son a favor, as well as the future DIL. Give them a budget for the wedding. They'll learn a lot of compromising during the process...which will serve them well in a long marriage!

And, my last thought...you do not want to be in debt LONG AFTER THE MARRIAGE ENDS.

 

[RachaelA]

I don't be to be harsh... but tell them no. If he and his fiance want all of this, then they can pay for it themselves. They are adults.

Don't go into debt over this. If you can't afford it, then you can't afford it. There's nothing else to it.

Plus her parents shouldn't be dictating what you spend your money on. If you only have X amount of dollars to give, then that's all you have to give.

I'm getting married in May. My parents are paying for a large majority of it, but I would never in a million years ask them to go into debt for one day in my life.

I'm sorry, but your son sounds just as selfish as his fiance if he's asking this of you. You can't change him and you can't change his fiance, but that doesn't mean you need to enable them and let them walk all over you.

I'm a member of theknot.com and one thing that is repeated over and over again is "if you adult enough to get married you are adult enough to pay for it yourself." Another thing stated over and over again is "he who pays says." If you are going to pay for something, you should be able to have a say in it. If you don't feel comfortable spending all this money on fancy food then don't. Offer what you can and leave it at that.

 

[TGEmpress]

Wow, and I thought that my inlaws were bad. Hang in there.

I think that since you have offered to contribute, the fairest thing would be to offer the sum of money that you were planning on spending in the first place to her, and allow her to spend it however she sees fit. If she doesn't accept it, then you have offered to do your part.

Keep in mind, I doubt you will be able to please her in this matter. Given what you have said, she won't be happy with anything short of perfection, and will find flaws with every idea but her own.

Sounds like my MIL, I didn't even have the cash to have floral arrangement at the reception... but you bet she had flowers all over the rehersal dinner... just to prove that she could do it (of course she is in tremendous amounts of debt, but that's a different story)

Stay strong!!

 

[MELSMICE]

I'd write a check for what you can afford also & be done with it.

Good luck to your son.

 

[clh2]

And another thought...I would not sign any of the contracts...i.e.e the cake, photographer, hall, caterer, floral, etc. The in-laws want the party. Let them sign the contracts.

If you do get stuck doing this, make sure you know exactly what the penalties are for the cancellation, as well as how much money you will be forfeiting.

If I were you, I would even have a heart-to-heart with your son about the responsibilities of these kinds of contracts.

If that wedding gets cancelled...you want to be able to recoup some the downpayments...especially if the money is yours.

 

[EthansMom]

Talk to your son (not his future ILs) about what you can afford. Be up front about the fact that you were willing to pay for this and that if costs were kept reasonable, but you aren't able or willing to pay for an ultra-fancy party. Tell DS that WHEN THE WEDDING GETS CLOSER, you will give HIM a check for $X to help cover wedding costs, the honeymoon, or whatever HE chooses to spend it on.

There is no way I'd write a check direct to those parents. Also, there's no reason that anyone needs to be out more than a small amount for deposits at this point, so I wouldn't give out any money right now.

 

[Inigo]

If this is the wedding she is planning at age 18, I wonder what her next wedding is going to consist of.

I'm serious. She is not going to stay married to your son for long. She won't be happy, since he won't be able to provide her with everything she deserves. I don't care how hard he tries, and what he buys for her, she won't be happy. She'll deserve more.

To me, it sounds like he is just incidental to all of this. They want a wedding, therefore they need a groom. They don't need him specifically, they just need someone to be the groom so she can have this wedding.

Why is your son letting them treat him like this? He needs to stand up and put a stop to it.

As for your question, I would send them a letter saying, "This is how much we can afford. If you would like more than this, you will have to pay for it." Yeah, they'll get ticked, but maybe, just maybe, this will rescue your son before he gets too involved in this trainwreck. Hopefully he can get out of this NOW instead of going through a divorce at age 22 or 23.

Oh, and I wouldn't send them a check. I'd tell them you will pay the expense to the provider. Otherwise, they might cash the check, and then, when their daughter finds a better prospect whose family doesn't balk at these expenses, they have your money to contribute to that wedding.

Psst...have your son read the wedding cost thread about Wedding Debt. And have him schedule pre-marriage counseling NOW.

 

[NeedaVacation03]

It makes me hot for you just thinking of this subject. They both sound very spoiled to me. Your son needs to set ground rules with the future mother in law and the future wife. I would give DS a set amount and that would be the end of it. He can then take that back to the fiance and tell them to deal.
If you wanted to pay for additional items for family members that would be up to your and your husband. My inlaws paid for a separate dinner for out of town guests that came in later in the evening of the rehearsal dinner as it was an additional (1 1/2 from their house). Are you also responsible for the rehearsal dinner or has that not come up yet?
You need to have a heart to heart with the future inlaws and make sure that everyone knows where everyone stands. Make sure that you see all costs before you agree with them.
Good luck. It sounds like you may need it.

 

[Soulsearching]

I would definitely have that meeting, with her parents and the bride and groom to be!

Invite them over for a an afternoon, tell them how lovely all the plans are that your really want to contribute to such a beautiful reunion and then write a check in the amount of what you really want to spend and HAND IT TO YOUR SON. Make the check out to your Son! and only your Son! Tell him to spend this gift how he sees fit on the reception. Make a beautiful toast to the couple about how they have become such beautiful adults and on their up coming wedding and then let it go.

Don't bring up at all about what you can afford and what you can't, it's no body's business but your own.

This is a gift.

 

[Inigo]

I'm just curious...what state do you live in? In some states, the age of consent is higher than age 16.

 

[Deb & Bill]

This wedding is 18 months away. These kids will break up and make up a few more times before it comes. Keep your fingers crossed that they do break up, premanently you hope. And try to talk your son into moving far, far away from this chickie.

I agree in Inigo. 18 yr old baby is too immature to plan a wedding, let alone a marriage. I hope they are using birth control at this point. This is a big mistake.

Since when did the groom's parents pay for the wedding? Rehearsal dinner, yes; wedding, no.

 

[MrsPete]

Wow. That's a lot.

1. My first concern -- much more important than the money -- would be the young lady's attitude. She's going to continue to expect to behave as a princess after she's married. Is your son okay with a wife who declares she will never work? If -- no, when -- he's not able to write a check for everything she wants, will she run up credit card debt, or will she run to her parents and beg them to buy her things (making him look like a bad provider, and hurting his pride)? I really think she needs a couple years of working and living on her own before she's ready for marriage, and I suspect your son will bear the brunt of her immaturity.

I knew a young lady who was raised just this way, and her husband ended up feeling extremely imasculatead because her parents continued to buy her anything he couldn't. They'd go visit her parents (out of state), and her mom'd take her shopping and buy her 3-4 outfits because "she didn't have enough to buy nice things for herself", and her mom would take her out to "get a decent haircut". They continued to take her on family vacations because he couldn't afford to take her to places she "deserved to go" -- and he wasn't invited because he "needed to work". For a while he said, "Go, have fun", but when it became a habit, he started to feel that he wasn't good enough for her. Keep in mind, this wasn't some guy who was under-employed or working part-time during college; he had a decent-paying job, but he was young and still on the low end of the payscale. The problem was her inflated expectations. No surprise that marriage ended in divorce.

What can you do about that? Talk to your son about budgets, talk to him about the reality of supporting a family with a wife who has no intention of EVER helping financially. A good time to do this would be next time he comes over feeling "caught in the middle". This behavior will not end once they're married. In a few years it'll be her insisting on a house that they can't afford, while he wants a nice starter house. Then it'll be her wanting to purchase expensive baby furniture and clothes, while he's saying that those are very temporary purchases. Really, THIS is the major issue.

Does your church offer pre-marital counseling? This girl could really use a dose of reality therapy.

But more immediately:

2. You have a plan for a rehearsal dinner. I'd say go forward with the plans you're comfortable making. Let everyone involved know up front what you're willing and able to do, and if they complain later, remind them, "This is the plan." If they push, say nicely, "I'm sorry, but the budget allows for this." Then change the subject quickly. Refuse to feel badly for doing what you're comfortable doing.

3. Just tell them that you CANNOT foot the bill for the reception. CANNOT. Be nice about it, but stick to your guns. Mom and daughter are the ones who want the fancy reception, and it's obvious that they think your taste is inferior. Do just what I said above: Say nicely, "I'm sorry, but I can't afford that." Then change the subject quickly.

 

[branv]

So since even before the wedding, the daughter has run roughshod over her parents and your son, and then they've all turned around and run roughshod over you? Remind me again why you're trying so hard to protect their feelings? It seems with these people they don't understand or care about any boundaries but their own, and if you don't establish them now and hold them in the future, this is your future with all of them.

They can spoil their daughter all they want, that is not your job, no matter how much they try to make you join the club. She is their and now your son's problem, not yours. They're calling all the shots for this scene, and given you no say...so you're not responsible for the fact that they've mistaken high cost for good taste.

So announce that this is what you CAN pay (don't say "willing" to pay, that implies a choice..don't offer them room to argue), and then write a check for that amount...no more, that's it. Don't get angry, don't get defensive, do not explain yourself, just be polite but firm even if you have to keep repeating the same thing over and over. If they get angry or insulting, just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." And that's it. If you want to be involved, offer them your time, but like stated before, do NOT be the one to sign any contracts or write the checks directly. Just cut them that one check, and let them handle everything else.

However, I would do all this through your son. If your son believes he is old enough to be married, he is old enough to deal with his inlaws and future wife, not you. Tell him what you are willing to do and let him handle it. He'd better get used to dealing with all of them now, b/c this is the life he's signing up for.

Best wishes to you.

I have to edit to add: I missed some replies while I was typing mine, and I have to agree with them. Put the check in your son's name or only pay at the end. Up front is usually just deposits anyway, let the POTB cover those themselves so they're responsible for defaults.

 

[RobinFabulous]

I would decide what I could afford and offer that amount period. You have other children that you are raising, and I would not go into debt over this wedding. I also second not giving a check until the "day" arrives. The wedding is a long time off and things may change. I think the days of huge weddings paid for by parents are coming to an end. Traditionally the groom's family only pays for the rehersal dinner anyway.

 

[Soulsearching]

I think your son needs to read this:

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/28

 

[tipsytrtle]

give them a check fro what you and your husband want or can contrubute to the wedding, tell them face to face and be done with it
and i am sure your future DIL has some nice qualities but the odds are stacked against them, even without her princess attitude
be there for him if/when things fall apart and do not allow your DD's life to be affected by their wedding....(not being able to do disney more than in 2010)

my two cents