MAN DO I NEED YOUR HELP!-update post 273

[RitaE]

It's hard to watch kids go barreling toward disaster.
As for the wedding you really have no choice other than writing a check for the amount you can afford, and stating -- this is your Wedding Gift, use it how you choose. I'm sure you feel terrible having to act like the grinch who stole the Wedding of the Century, but what else can you do? It is terrible that any of them, your son included, are putting you in that position.

Now as for whether or not you can get your son to get his future wife to drop the Princess act, I don't know what to advise. As you describe it, it sounds to me like it is going to be a pretty rough beginning to a marriage. What's going to happen when the Princess decides she must have a Country Club McMansion?

 

[ROIE01581]

I would call the MIL and let her know that you offered to pay for the reception, because you had a hall, band and dinner you could afford. If they decide they don't want to use these things then you can not afford the more expensive reception they want. You will give your son the money you have for the down payment for a house.

Parents of the Bride pays the for the weddings of all princess..They are the king and queen. So they pay up.

Let you son know you would rather invest in a home for them than a one day childs dream. He needs to take control of this now or else he life will be hell.

 

[dis-happy]

I agree with the others in limiting yourself to giving a check that you can reasonably afford and being upfront about it.

HOWEVER, I would also hold that check hostage. Tell them that you want their marriage to have every chance at success and you would like them to attend pre-marital counseling together (find a church or somplace that offers this and present it to them). It will help them learn to get along or realize they aren't meant for each other. I hope the latter, for everyone's sake.

 

[GreyGooseCosmo]

I'm a firm believer that if you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to pay for it. All of it.

I'd say "sorry, your father and I are willing to give you $xxx.xx for a wedding gift or the use of the previously mentioned hall / band, etc. It's your choice."

Then sit back and watch the in laws explode.

You're not obligated to give anyone a red cent.

My sympathies go out to you and your family. The next 18 months will be rough.

 

[TupperMom7]

"So at the end of our chat, that we are willing to pay for the Hall, the band, the rehearsal dinner, help with the wedding meal and just let me know what else she/they need help with pertaining to the wedding."

I think you made it pretty clear up front what you were willing to pay for. If they want Ostrich feathers , let them pay for them. If they are now expecting you to pay for the entire reception because they are going overboard with all of these unnecessary items, then you should be able to choose where it is being held and what you are paying for to eat.

Maybe it's time for a family meeting between your family and theirs and the future bride and groom to discuss all of the plans. Make it abundantly clear how much money you have at your disposal for the wedding and not a penny more. Don't forget, you will also need a dress and your dd will need a dress (if she's in the wedding, you'll have to pay for it) and the men all need to rent tuxedos. It doesn't sound like these people have a lot of money to spare either, so maybe they should take the Princess off her high horse and set her straight on what real life is.

Your son will end up divorced if he can't keep her happy money wise. They really didn't do her any favors letting her have her own way all the time.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

This is like watching a train wreck. I would tell them what I could afford and stick to it. I wouldn't go into debt for it at all because chances are the spoiled little brat will not be happy and the will end up divorced anyway. It sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do, and her parents are enablers.

 

[Kickapoo Joie Juice]

holy macaroni.

They're bullying you big time and doing some serious emotional blackmail.

The evil side of me says you should wash your hands of it totally, utterly, and completely. The bridezilla will then cut off all contact with you for a while, and keep your son from you. Eventually (I'm betting within 5 years) their marriage will implode and you will have your son back, a wiser man.

The nice side of me says cut them a check, say, this is all I can afford, do with it what you will and congratulations (while biting my tongue).

 

[ceecee]

They are way too young. Maybe they will break up before 2010? Typically the groom's parent's pay for the reception dinner, so you get to choose the food, hall, band, decorations etc. Just because you're paying the little princess doesn't get anything she wants. Sounds like your son is in for a very long life. When someone insists on being put on a pedestal, they will always fall off.

 

[robsmom]

I agree with the posts that suggest requiering them to go to pre-marriage counseling and i would add some serious financial counseling as well.

Your fdil is living in a fantasy world and is very out of touch with reality. The reality is that her parents can not afford this either. If they could, they would not be pushing it off on you. They have pampered her and will continue to do so. What parent lets a high school student live with a 20 yr old under their roof - one that can not say no.

A child that is this spoiled, just has to get married at 18, and will not work because she is a princess leads to:

- a house purchase that is more than they can afford because she needs her dream house now.
- debt to cover all the things she will have to have for her home
- a baby way to young with no money saved for it because she is not working and will need something to keep her busy
- parents who will continue to give her things - the post about the couple where the in-laws took their daughter on vacation and bought her clothing is exactly what happened to a couple i am close to.
- resentment by your son of the stress he is under trying to keep it all together with no help from her
- divorce
- your son in your house, working 2 jobs, living a meager life. paying her alot of child support but not living with his child. deeply in debt
- princess living in the house he worked for with extras given to her by her parents.

I hope that it works out better than the above scenario, but it is not out of the question.

 

[CarolA]

Haven't read all of this, but

You pay for the Rehersal dinner and do what you want. Just nicely tell them, sorry but this is what we are doing and let the "suggestions" fall on deaf ears.

Now as for the reception. Tell them this is what we can contribute and... smile again.

Then start saving. I am very afraid this won't be your son's ONLY wedding!

 

[moet7]

WOW, what a story, I agree with the poster who said that your son needs to come home and give you the 200.00 a month!

Why and the heck is your son even living with this girl? She is in HIGH SCHOOL!

I would ask your son this

Why don't you show me the same respect you are showing to your future wife and mother in law.

And see what he has to say about that.

Because it's clear he has NO respect for you and that is just sad!

 

[jlima]

Just write them a check for the amount we are willing to spend and say that is all we can do.

Great plan. Good luck with the aftermath! You HAVE to post again with an update!

Your future DIL needs a reality check, fast. Her own family can't afford this wedding of the century and you're supposed to pay for it? Um, no. Maybe if the dream wedding doesn't come from your son, she'll find someone with deeper pockets to give her the wedding of her dreams.

 

[It's A Small World]

I'll never forget the priest telling us during pre-marital counseling that "A wedding is like a crisis in a family. It is not a happy time because the dynamics are going to change."

Personally, I'd tell FMIL how much you can afford and leave it at that. No need to dragged down with the details.

They do realize that our country is in the middle of an economic crisis, right?

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

It’s possible I should not post here, but here is my $.02 all the same.

My best advise is for you to sit down with them and explain that the important thing here is not the day, but rather every day that follows the day. Many simple weddings result in long and happy marriages and many extravagant weddings result in marriages over before the bills have all been paid for. This isn’t to say that this will happen, but it can happen, as the wedding and the marriage are two separate things.

I am grateful for the pre-marital counseling my DH and I received. It made us sure we were doing the right thing and were able to walk down the isle with no doubts. You see, I was a very young bride, and when I married I married forever. When I met my DH I was sure he was the love of my life, but the counseling gave me assurance, and I believe if it didn’t I would not have gone through with our marriage.

Yes, we had a nice wedding with all our loved ones there. It was a perfect start to a wonderful life together. It was a Sunday afternoon brunch to stretch our budget further and many people told us it was a very nice way to host a beautiful wedding without being excessive. While the day was amazing it was not nearly as amazing as the life we have had together.

In case you are wondering, I met my DH when I was 15 and he was 20. (As a mom of a DD who is 14.5 that scares me!) Like I said, I was young, but I just knew. We were pen pals for 6 months before ever seeing a photo of each other so it was not a physical attraction, at least not at first, but a love of the real person. (He was, at the time, in the Gulf War, I was in high school just writing to a soldier to show him support.) We were engaged when I was 16, married at 17, pregnant at 18 and had our first DD at 19. We will have been married for 16 years this summer. He is my very best friend and the person who I most like to be with. I still get gitty when he calls me during the day to say he loves me or asks me out on a “date”. I do know, however, that I am very lucky, this is not the way most young marriages turn out. I have often heard that you grow apart, we chose to go together.

I suspect the “princess” ways will make a successful marriage unlikely, but I do wish all of you much happiness. Maybe they will wed, maybe they will not, but try to express the importance of all the days that follow and not just on “the day”.

Best wishes…

 

[Mom2m&k]

Oh my goodness I think you were being generous to begin with! I do not think you should write a check to anyone. If they want to "upgrade" from what you have offered then I think you should indicate you are willing to pay what you would have paid for the original event and they can pay for anything above that (make any payments to the vendor.)

As for the rehearsal dinner..this is my personal pet-peeve...this event is being hosted by you. Other then the DF giving you a list of relatives and out of town guests they really should have NO say as to the planning of this event. They are the guests of honor and should behave as such.

If you really want to you could get them an etiquette book that will clearly indicate what you as the groom's parents should cover! As another poster indicated clearly they want a wedding for the dd that they cannot afford! Good luck to you and them!

 

[TnTWalter]

I haven't read any responses.

You need to call the FMIL and tell her 'We will contribute X to the wedding...whether that's $5K , 10K, 20K .... that's completely up to you. PERIOD.

This is setting the tone for your future with this family now thinking you're Daddy Warbucks...

It really doesn't matter what food they want or vases or whatever...the bride typically makes those decisions anyway [although it's typically the BRIDE'S FAMILY who pays].

Nowadays, it's customary for the groom's family to do a very nice rehersal dinner and even sometimes pay for the honeymoon. It used to be customary for rehersal dinner and the flowers paid by the groom everything else was bride's family and the bride and groom paid for their own honeymoon.

Best of luck. LAY DOWN THE LAW!!!

 

[Inigo]

OK, I just spoke to my 21 year old, almost 22 year old son. I read the OP to him and asked what he would do if his fiance (which he doesn't have) asked for these things for their wedding.

His words, "I wouldn't go out with someone like that in the first place. If I found out they were like that after we started going out, I'd run like he**. She sounds scary."

 

[DVCBELLE]

OP -

DO NOT WRITE THEM A CHECK!!! The wedding is still 18 months away and if they don't get married - which I am willing to bet will happen - you will not recoup any of your money.

And a quick FYI - the wedding is a drop in the bucket compared to the price of a reception!!!!

Wedding etiquette is that you pay for the rehearsal dinner - if you pay for anything else - that is out of the goodnes of your heart.

Let them know that you are willing to contribute XXXXX to the wedding and that you will pay them when final payment is due to the reception hall. They can put down all the deposits if these things are that important to them - nothing else will be due this early - wait until final payment which should be at the wedding. I had a pretty expensive wedding and we had envelopes that we handed to each service provider the night of the wedding.

 

[Princess April]

*wow* personally I would send them a check for the amount that you are comfortable spending and let that be that. If their little "princess" insists on more than the "king and queen" can pay for it. Just tell them, here this is all we have to put towards it. If they balk at that just ignore them. I feel sorry for DS, this sounds like this whole event has been blown out of proportion ... good luck

 

[momxx5]

Wow, with no disrespect to OP at all, but this whole situation is WHACKED!!

I don't know what your relationship is with your son, but I am here to say that in no way would I be allowing any of this foolishness to happen.

Your DS is paying them to live with them??? To move in with a 16 yr old? That is just plain crazy.

Okay, now she is 18 and your DS soon to be 21 and every time you refer to them in your post you say "the kids". Well that is what they are kids! And apparently with a big dose of entitlement.

There is no way that I would allow FILs to take over a situation that involves your money. I pray that you can gain enough strength to face them in a sit down meeting and tell them, not explain to them, not to seek their permission, but to TELL them that this is what you have to offer towards the special day.

You need to sit down and decide how much you are willing to help...financially and mentally.

I don't see the FILs as the type to change so I would be prepared to tell them that you will be doing "such & such" and then stick with it. Personally if I was in your shoes I would be planning the rehearsal dinner to happen the way you want it to happen. If you are financially able to help out in other ways then I suggest you be specific. Like you'll take care of the flowers and bar, but that it is. You need to be sure that they cannot talk you into things or bend from what your original plan is.

This whole situations does not sound like a good start to a happy marriage. It sounds like a family who is too wrapped up in a material world. God Bless your son and what he is about to get himself into.

God Bless you and your family.
I'll say some prayers that you will find strength and guidance regarding this matter.

Keep us posted.